Weight loss: I’m half the woman I used to be

About a year and a half ago, I wrote this post where I lamented my cholesterol levels and my aversion to setting limits and my inability to manage goal weight because I am genetically incapable of moderation. I could lose weight with no problem but maintaining it was an entirely different story, a story brimming with failure, loathing and cheesecake, culminating in a size 16.

After I wrote that post, I decided to embrace the chub because, well, why the hell not? I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t even drink anything stronger than water. No coffee, no pop, no iced tea. I don’t text while driving, I don’t watch porn, I don’t have my nails done, I don’t sleep around, I don’t buy lottery tickets, I don’t collect anything other than dust and I’m not into shopping sprees unless it rains down $100 bills and when was the last time that happened? I mean, other than in Nate’s mind before he hops online with a credit card? Except for Real Housewives, food is the only vice I enjoy! If I’m going to die, I’d rather do it fat and happy than thin and miserable, right? So I continued to lumber toward the plus size department, popping my Simvastatin and following it down with a pasta carbonara chaser.

And then two things happened.

First, we took a trip to New York City where this occurred:

For the moment, let’s ignore the Empire State Building sprouting from my head, shall we? And the haircut that looks like I went ten rounds with a rabid weed whacker and lost. And the fact that Nate looks like PeeWee Herman’s uncle.

Let’s concentrate on the fact that while I am quite a bit shorter than Nate, I am at least twice his girth. If this photo were a map, I’d be the Atlantic Ocean.

Second, we went for ice cream at the canal, where this occurred:

I spy a watermelon with arms. And cleavage.

When I saw these photos, I simply could not believe I was looking at me. Me. Where the hell had I gone? I mean, besides up to the dessert bar far too many times? When I asked Nate how he could have let me get to that point, he had nothing to say for himself other than “I love you, no matter what the scale says,” to which I responded EVEN WHEN IT SAYS OH MY GOD, GET THE HELL OFF ME, YOU’RE GIVING ME A HERNIA? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HUSBAND AND SMALL APPLIANCE OWNER ARE YOU?

And so in August, 2009, I experienced a whopping case of déjà vu and commenced my second journey with Weight Watchers and last week, this occurred:

The first time around with Weight Watchers was seven years ago and then, it took me less than five months to not only lose forty pounds but to maintain it for six weeks and become a lifetime member. This time around? Not so much. It took me ten months to simply lose those same forty pounds thus proving my theory that losing weight after forty is not so much a bitch as it is a raging, hormonal, vitriolic, scum infested, fetid, shit spewing, soul sucking, castrating hag.

Over the course of ten long months, I lost forty pounds, three chins, two spare tires and went from a size 16 to a size 8 and sometimes, on those few days a month when neither Mother Nature nor I are on the rag, a size 6.

I feel … well, lighter! Not as sluggish. I hollered HOLY SHIT, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I MISSED YOU GUYS to my neck and ankles when I first spotted them and now we’re inseparable. I don’t wheeze when I go upstairs or put on pants. I can give myself a pedicure without passing out. And I can now see my legs when I’m shaving in the shower which results in a lot less sightings of Chewbacca around these here parts.

A few observations about this journey:

  • It was much harder to lose the weight this time around because my metabolism turned forty a couple of years ago and since then, suffers from narcolepsy. But unlike the typical narcoleptic who experiences brief episodes of sleep, my metabolism lapses into a coma for weeks at a time. Sometimes I had no choice but to *shock* it back into reality and I did this by eating a big, honkin’ piece of peanut butter pie every now and then because, as it turns out, defibrillators aren’t hanging under lock and key on walls in restaurants and malls simply for the taking. It’s near impossible to ask for a defibrillator without some nosy busy bodies getting into your business, demanding to know what you’re going to use it on and more often than not, narcoleptic metabolisms don’t meet the threshold. Whoever made up that rule is probably thin and can suck in his stomach and actually see it move. So let me rephrase. Whoever made up that rule is probably thin and can suck it. Period.
  • It also took me much longer to lose the weight this time around because I was not obsessed with counting points as I was seven years ago. I admit, I may have used Twitter and Facebook and this blog to allude to my belief that eighteen points a day was akin to Nazi sadism but, all in all, points did not consume me.  Seven years ago, I would have sooner bitten off my own feet and grilled them with some asparagus, even though I loathe asparagus, rather than risk the excess points associated with boxed macaroni and cheese. But this time, I reigned in my OCD tendencies and ate whatever I wanted, watching my portion control and tracking my points. Sometimes I even went over my daily point allotment and much to my surprise and relief, the world did not come to an abrupt end in a fiery inferno. I’m proud to say that no one was woken up by a 2:00 a.m., phone call only to discover some starving lunatic on the other end screaming OH MY GOD, HOW MANY POINTS WERE IN THAT TORTILLA CHIP I HAD AT LUNCH?
  • I detested it and did everything in my power to avoid it but, I eventually bit the bullet and even though I gagged and wretched and just about choked to death on the goddamn thing, I … ugh, it’s hard to even say it …  exercised. I know! You don’t have to tell me. The only thing worse than exercise sweating is sweating for no reason at all, right? I started out by walking on the treadmill for twenty minutes at a time, worked my way up to walking outside, then did a walking/jogging/crying combo for a time, then a walking/jogging/hysterics/for-God’s-sake-someone-shoot me-and-end-my-misery medley until eventually, I was jogging two miles a night, 3-4 times a week. Still am. Don’t get the wrong idea, though. It’s not pretty. I’m not an athlete and the only thing that comes naturally to me is blinking so it’s not like I can finish with my run and then immediately do other stuff like stand upright or talk. But, after the delirium and hallucinations subside, I wind up feeling damn good about myself and that’s enough to make me want to do it again.

I’ll write another post detailing the foods and snacks I ate and some other tips that I learned along the way, in case any of you are interested. For now, I’m enjoying looking down and actually seeing my feet without resorting to using magic mirrors. Seeing as how I’m on maintenance and it was maintenance that drop kicked my ass all over the kitchen last time around, I’m not going to raise my fist on this blog and proclaim anything ridiculous like As God is my witness, I’ll never be fat again. Not only because I don’t want to set myself up for public failure but also because it’s really hard to type with one hand. Besides, honestly? There’s no fun in going all Scarlett O’Hara when Nate continues his refusal to dress up as Rhett Butler. I mean, really. What’s the point?



Share this post

78 thoughts on “Weight loss: I’m half the woman I used to be”

  1. Avatar

    I loved you before. I love you now.

    But holy canoli lady! You look friggin awesome!!!

    I have lost 29 pounds in 5 months with some help from a weight loss “cult” and when I see pictures of my old self, I wanna smack everyone who allowed me to get like that and not tell me!!!

    Good for you my dear!!!

  2. Avatar

    Congratulations!! That is so awesome and you look fabulous! I can take some of those tips – back on WW myself and I know what you mean about it coming off slowly after 40!

  3. Avatar

    Holy F-bomb Batman! You look sensational. I am your before pics, only with a different head and longer hair. I need to get my shit together. You are an inspiration!

  4. Avatar

    You are GORGEOUS!!!! You were ALWAYS gorgeous but now?? **shaking my head** can’t let my hubby see this!! I’m POSITIVE I can’t come to NY or you to KY till I lose weight.. to google weight watchers or some lose weight quick site.

    I’m proud of you girl 🙂

  5. Avatar

    You look wonderful!!!! I have the opposite issue you do. I will go work out for hours before I will give up and/or reduce my food intake. And sadly I have reached the point where the only thing left to do is eat less.

    And I don’t want to!!!! I want cake! And fried shrimp! with a side of fried hash browns and some bacon!

  6. Avatar

    Wow!! That is amazing! You really are half the other woman! I was doing the weight watchers online program for awhile and was successful until I kind of fell off the wagon. I need to start going to meetings while I’m home for the summer and get serious about losing weight! That is so inspiring to see a real-life person who has lost so much weight! Congratulations!

  7. Avatar

    Oh wow! You look amazing! Wish i had that kind of success story! I only seem to lose weight when I’m stressed, so it always comes back. I have about another 20 to lose, but it’s being stubborn.

    Congratulations! Great Job!

  8. Avatar

    WOW, that is AWESOME!!! Ok, thats it – you inspired me. I have been limping along on my weightloss journey, its time to get serious now! YOU LOOK FABULOUS!! Well done!

  9. Avatar

    WOW WOW WOW…you look AWESOME. Your post on 2Peas that led me to your blog came on a perfect day. I am feeling disgusting today and to see that it IS possible is great. I’m throwing out the half of a Blizzard I have stashed in my freezer as soon as I get home from work…..

  10. Avatar

    Thank you for sharing this post. It is nice to see a “real” woman battle with weight loss with a realistic attitude. You are very inspirational to this plus size girl. Becki

  11. Avatar

    You look like you’re in your early 30s. No shit! Think of how healthy you are and how much longer you’ll be around for your family.

    Keep on keepin’ on!

  12. Avatar

    You look fantastic!! Way to go on the weight loss! And BTW, thank you very much for keeping me in a job. I work at the WW distribution center. 😉

  13. Avatar

    Exactly 18 months from today, I turn 40.

    I’ve (recently) sworn (again) to begin working out regularly (and this time I mean it) so that

    a – by the time we go to Disney World in August for our annual trip, I don’t have to fear being shot by a tranquilizer dart and rounded back up into the animal pen with the elephants during our stay at Animal Kingdom Lodge

    b – by the time I’m 39, perhaps my thighs will no longer be considered a potential fire hazard from all the friction they produce


    c – by the time I’m 40, my husband will be dying to take me to Hawaii and see me in a bathing suit there. Even more importantly, I’ll want to be in Hawaii and seen in a bathing suit. Hell, I’ll want to be seen in a bathing suit anywhere – though preferably Hawaii.

    18 months………….. I feel a fist raising declaration coming on, but then, I’m on your blog now, not mine. 😉

    I’ve already told you this, but damn, woman, you look awesome!!!

  14. Avatar

    Congratulations. I know it was difficult but you are glowing and look very very happy. I wish you every bit of success in maintaining. I know that you can do it.

  15. Avatar

    I loved your story. Its awesome, and you keep it very real. I’m over 40, and stories like this inspire me. I don’t hate my body, but I know it could be sooooo much better and I could be healthier. I do WW, but in a very lazy way and have not been tracking. Thanks for the itty bitty shove in that direction. I need that! You look fabby!

  16. Avatar

    First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! If you were here right now I’d give you a standing ovation!! I am fighting the same battle and it is a kick in the pants. I turned 50, went through menopause and gained rolls in places I never dreamed of. So I now the battle you have fought and won! You do look amazing and should be over the moon proud of yourself.
    When my weight loss struggles frustrate me, as they do on a daily basis, I will come back and read this post as incentive to persevere!! (did I sepell that right?)
    And girl, you have a way with writing!! Way too funny!
    Again, a huge congratulations to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Avatar

    Wow! That is quite the accomplishment. You luck great (despite the Empre State Building sprouting from you head). That was too funny! You are a great writer and I love your sense of humor! Rock on!

  18. Avatar

    you were gorgeous before and gorgeous now! I am down 57 lbs and I have 30 more to go (or so… 23, but who’s counting) You’re an inspiration!!!

  19. Avatar

    Wonderful!!!!! Congrats on the weight loss- and on writing on a post that made me snort sweet tea all over my keyboard with laughter….You look great!

  20. Pingback: Tweets that mention Before and after pictures of my weight loss | --

  21. Avatar

    I found your blog through Two Peas. Wow, you are an inspiration! And I love your sarcastic sense of humor. Congratulations on your weight loss!

  22. Avatar

    Very awesome!! I decided to finally lose weight. I have 93.6 lbs to go. I know I can do this…may take me a long time, but I will do it.

    Every Sunday I do a “losing it with Leah” post and put a linky up for other people on the whole weight loss journey. Feel free to link to it if you would like.

  23. Avatar

    Along with the others who feel you look younger, before I read I thought your “after” picture was going to be a “before putting on the weight” picture! Nice!

  24. Avatar

    Finally the before and after.
    You’ve done an amazing job, keep at it. I know you can.
    Your favorite MIL.

  25. Avatar

    Wow you look amazing. Thanks for the inspiration I have 50lb to lose and so far have lost 33lb, but I am struggling big time this week, but now I am totally motivated. I am in my mid to late 40’s and boy is is hard to lose.
    Well done and thanks for your awesome blog.
    Good luck with your maintenance too.


  26. Avatar

    You look fabulous!!!! Congratulations on your raging success! I mean, seriously! That weight loss shit is for the birds. I hate it. I need it. But I hate it. Sigh.

    I need to see more of these weight loss success stories. I am trying SO hard to get motivated to stick with SOMETHING other than brownies.

    I loathe exercise…. when I’m not doing it. When I get started, I love it, I live for it. It’s just getting started is sooooo hard.

    I wish I could afford the WW thing. I tried it several years ago and was actually losing the weight. But, like you the first time, I was OBSESSED with the points. And I was the ”
    starving lunatic on the other end screaming OH MY GOD, HOW MANY POINTS WAS IN THAT TORTILLA CHIP I HAD AT LUNCH?”

    Oi. One of these days, it WILL happen. Now I just have to figure out WHICH day. 🙂

    Thank you so much for the inspiration and sharing your before and after!!

  27. Avatar

    WOW! Amazingly awesome!

    Your post could nt have come at a better time for me. Yesterday I turned 36 and I swear I woke up with varicose veins and perpetually swollen ankles. It also didn’t help that we had just schlepped around Disneyland for 12 hours a day for the last 3 days and I was feeling all the extra weight plus some extra years!

    So thanks for the inspiration

  28. Avatar

    You look amazing! I just want you to know you have inspired me to join Weight Watchers and stop farting around thinking the weight is just going to magically go away! Thank you for the kick in the pants!

  29. Avatar

    You are looking amazing! Don’t you just feel fabulous? I’m still trying to embrace the “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” mantra – because while being thin feels awesome, a hot fudge sundae sill tastes pretty damn good.

  30. Avatar

    Wow!!! Simply wow!! You look amazing!!! Weight Watchers, huh? I need to lose some weight and not having any luck…I may have to bite the bullet and do it too!

    I hope you’ll share some tips and advice!!

  31. Avatar

    You hottie! You’re so awesome!! Not only do you look thin, but you look younger too!!

    After birthing 2 kiddos, having no willpower, no sparetime, a deep loathing for junkfood avoidance, the inability to do portion control, and a hubby who refuses to watch the boys so I can do something as simple as go outside for a walk…well, you’ve inspired me anyway. I DO like to exercise (once I get past the first 2 weeks of dragging my sore and sorry ass back to the eliptical machine or workout videos), but have no place to do it except a stifling hot garage (Louisiana in the summer!). ::sigh:: Then again, maybe I’m just making a lot of excuses for why I haven’t started yet, huh?

    Regardless, you look friggin’ awesome! I hope your family is giving you lots of big pats on the back…you’ve obviously worked hard. It’s never easy, and I’m so proud of you for sticking to it and meeting your goal weight! (I bet Nate is all over you now! I mean, even more so than before!! LOL) Here’s hoping maintenance is a piece of cake! (Sorry, I didn’t mean to say “cake”…let’s put “RICE” in front of that, OK?)

  32. Avatar

    Wow, you look stunning! My sister joined weight watchers a few days before I saw your post. I showed it to her yesterday so she can be positive and inspired. Two million thumbs up! Especially for the dessert thing you mentioned in the other post…

  33. Avatar

    I joined Weight Watchers Online at the end of last year and have just hit my first major plateau. Your experience might just be the boost I needed.
    I’ve lost 30 pounds since my horrible moment of photo-induced realization, although at 6′ I think it’s less obvious than your total transformation.
    I haven’t been brave enough to take the After photo yet, but now I’m inspired to get better about counting and staying on track.

  34. Avatar

    Fist-pump FOR YOU! One thing though… did your skin get all shiny and clear just by losing weight? I’m having terrible acne right now and my doctor says it’s just the extra weight. Is that true?

    (pls use the comment w/o the link. TY!)

  35. Avatar

    I just found this post on stumble upon, and I just wanted to say that I adore you.

    I lost a ton of weight a few years back and lately I’ve noticed the numbers climbing back up on the scale. Naturally, I enlisted my beanpole of a boyfriend to make me run by force every day after work. I totally relate to your description of yourself while jogging. It is pure hell. I’m sure the obscenities I’ve hollered could be heard from miles around.

    You look fabulous by the way.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *