Yes and No

No, Santa and his MasterCard did not earn hernias this year.

Yes, Santa was really smart and stayed within budget and wrapped everything in oversized boxes.

Yes, Santa managed to do this, despite having a wayward elf who decided to go Rambo at the last minute and go off list by purchasing a Toy Story DVD for an amount that almost gave Santa a stroke.

Yes, Nate the Elf is on reindeer poo duty until further notice.

No, Santa is not a member of the clean plate club.

Yes, Santa strapped himself in alongside Blitzen to earn some Weight Watchers exercise points, just in case.

Yes, Santa uses a computer to write his notes because his handwriting looks like constipated serial killer flourish.

No, my children do not believe in Santa anymore.

Yes, they still insist on all the traditional Santa rituals, regardless.

Yes, they are contrary.

No, Santa has no problem with contrary, as long as it’s served with chocolate pecan pie and cold milk.

Yes, Oliver is in a choke hold.

Yes, the girls’ stockings are abnormally huge.

No, Santa did not think about the correlation between size of stockings and cost of filling them because Santa was a brand new shiny mommy when he bought the first stocking and an old colossal idiot when he bought the second one.

Yes, the stockings have become a ridiculously expensive way to hold a lot of crap and are now referred to as Diaper Genies.

Yes, that is a cell phone case, a la Coach.

No, Santa had no idea when he bought it at a mall kiosk for $20 that it would turn out to be Zoe’s favorite Christmas present.

Yes, Santa is wondering why everything can’t be that cheap and easy.

Yes, Santa knows there’s a joke in there somewhere but he’s too tired to hunt for it.

Yes, these are Oliver’s brand new balls.

No, Santa is not reverting to a ten year old by giggling because he typed “balls” out loud.

Yes, Santa is lying.

No, Santa would never have given Oliver brand new balls for Christmas had he known that Oliver was really a bulimic, furry pirhana named Fang in disguise.

No, Santa did not clean up orange vomit at 11:00 a.m.

Yes, that’s what elves are for.

No, Santa cannot believe that weeks and weeks and weeks of thoughtful and careful planning and preparation, together with forty-two hours of wrapping, are over within three nanoseconds.

No, Santa is not choking on a bitter pill about it.

Fine, Santa wouldn’t object to a little Heimlich maneuver, if anyone is feeling particularly generous.

Yes, Santa absolutely, without a doubt, loves Christmas and can’t wait to do it all over again next year.

Yes, with more disciplined elves.

And yes, with less miniature basketball vomit.



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25 thoughts on “Yes and No”

  1. Avatar

    Love the “aftermath” picture – looks like my house did. And as for Oliver, enjoy figuring out the toy thing. Our dog LOVES stuffed animal toys with squeakers in them and nothing else – won’t touch rawhide bones, rope toys, etc. Problem is, I discovered that buying her stuffed animals was a waste of money, because she would totally destroy them in a matter of minutes, so not only was the money gone, but now the living room was covered with white fluffy stuff. She doesn’t get toys anymore. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

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    Oh your blog makes me laugh so much! Which is normally great, but I have a horrible head and chest cold, and today it hurts when I laugh. Or makes me cough up disgusting stuff. At least I didn’t snarf my coffee today. I wisely set it aside when reading your post.

    And I am totally jealous of the coach phone case. It is a reminder that I still don’t have a designer bag.

    And I love your family shot! You all look superb!


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      I know what you’re thinking! But nope, that’s not an Ollie puddle. That’s a gas turn-off valve for the fireplace.

  3. Avatar

    Beautiful picture of your family. Sounds like you had a wonderful Christmas.
    We didn’t get any family photos as I have a genormous cold sore under my nose and said nose was pure red from blowing it all Christmas.
    And to top it all off we went out for turkey meals 3 days in a row, and i couldn’t taste any of one them. Am I bitter?

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    Love your post! had me LOL at the stockings…. what were we thinking??? ours are way too big too–and my kids (28 and 24) still require all the santa rituals…(or is it me??) whatever…it makes for a fun holiday!

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    that is one FAT tree! I love the stair family photo. and yet again we did not get a group shot. we did try to wrangle those 2 grandsons close together, but the younger one is still to squirmy & slippery to snap a pic before he takes off again. I hope Ollie gets chewier toys that don’t pull apart so easy 😉

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    Yes – I love that family photo of you.

    No – you don’t wrap ALL those pressies in identical paper – what if they lose their labels?!!!

    Yes – they look very impressive and beautiful 🙂

    Hope you are surviving the malls. We are surviving (just) without running water – blah!

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    I love this post, it looks like such warm family moments that are what I hope for everyone at this time of year!. PS I’m way impressed that all the presents are matched in the same wrapping paper that is AMAZING and I’m going to attempt to do that from now on!.

    My siblings and I still ‘believe’ in santa,, and when people ask me ‘where did you get that necklace’. I always say “Santa’… cause santa shops best for necklaces! Most people get that it means ‘my mom’ but its what I have always said and what I love.

    One thing we do at our house is we all watch while someone else opens a present,, and we go in reverse age order (so the little kids could go first when we were little,, our youngest is now 24 so kinda unnecessary but we still do it). Anyway it makes Christmas much more about what your giving instead of what your getting, because you have to see the reactions and it also makes Christmas last much longer. Actually Now that I’m engaged and starting to transition to ‘multiple family’ events,, its nice to go back to my parents house and know that they’re not even close to done with the process.. (cause they had to stop to nap,, and to eat breakfast,, and then lunch,, and now snacks…).. 🙂

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