Zoe is learning how to drive. It took her ten minutes to back out of our garage, down our driveway and into the road only to wind up facing in the wrong direction. It took another ten minutes to pull forward and back out again, this time facing in the right direction. As Nate sat in the passenger seat and calmly guided her, I played the part of backseat driver by calling out THAT’S OK, ZOE, WE DIDN’T NEED THAT MAILBOX ANYWAY. NEITHER DID OUR NEIGHBOR.
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In the midst of our city, we have a public market that’s been going on two weeks shy of forever but I only just recently discovered it. Apparently, it’s one of those things people just know about because they’re “in the loop.” I never know about these things as I am not in the loop since I can’t find the damn loop without a GPS because they keep moving it on me. Also, the market happens to be located in the dirty, smelly, hairy armpit of our city and I happen to be a big, fat, chicken who hates armpits. But I was assured that the area was perfectly safe during daylight hours and that if I ventured out there right after breakfast, I wasn’t likely to wind up as a chalk outline on an episode of Law & Order. But I wasn’t taking any chances so I dragged my nine year old with me, just in case, because she knows karate.
While there, I bought myself this Jimmy Choo knock off purse. It’s the first purse that I have ever owned that looks both (1) stylish; and (2) not black. As soon as I brought it home, I had second thoughts which grew exponentially until I was grappling with the potential for my $35 purchase to infringe on Jimmy Choo’s copyright, compromise the sanctity of intellectual property in general and possibly violate who knows how many child labor laws in the process. All so that I can walk around carrying a gold billboard on my arm to announce to the world that I am too cheap to buy the real thing.
On the plus side, the gold color is growing on me.
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I also bought this. It has kosher salt, garlic, onion, pepper, dill seed, mustard seed, rosemary, rice flour, cayenne and something called natural smoke flavor, which hello? If I had known that people actually wanted smokey flavors in their food, I would have invited everyone I know over for dinner for three straight months after having created my own version. The secret? Inadvertently roasting gloppy grilled cheese sandwiches at 550° for an hour and a half while you watch a few episodes of Real Housewives of New York on your DVR.
I bought this stuff so that the next time I ask everyone what they want for dinner fifty-two times and they respond We don’t know fifty-two times and I wind up yelling ONE OF THESE DAYS, I’M JUST GOING TO SERVE YOU ROAD KILL, I SWEAR TO GOD, I won’t actually be lying to God.
It’s not nice to lie to God. I’m pretty sure She keeps track of that sort of stuff on Her laptop.
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We went out for ice cream the other day and Oliver got his own serving which, at first, he eyed suspiciously, then sniffed a few hundred times before sticking his entire face in the bowl without managing to actually touch any of the doggie treats that adorned it. GOD FORBID.
How did I wind up with a puppy who snubs his nose to every doggie treat known to man? Aren’t dogs supposed to eat everything, no matter how disgusting it is? Like poop and stuff? Not that Oliver eats his own poop. I nipped that in the bud because I don’t put up with that sort of thing. My kids never did it which went a long way in my decision to keep them.
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I love writing my blog and putting myself and my life out there. I really do. But if I’m being completely honest here, sometimes, sometimes, I wish I had started this blog anonymously. Because sometimes, I don’t want to be the bigger person and take the high road. Sometimes, I want to be petty and small and take the road straight to hell by ripping someone a new asshole on this blog. You know … a good ol’ bitch fest with lots of vitriolic castigation, swear words and some spitting. But I can’t because actions like that have repercussions in real life. Maybe the object of my hissy fit reads this blog and in his/her spare time, grades my kids’ math tests or fills my kids’ cavities or fixes the brake lines in my car, or has marital relations with me or cuts my hair? Is two minutes of going apeshit on someone’s ass worth my kids failing school or me walking around with an asymmetrical mullet?
Eve, a blogging acquaintance of mine, started a new site called Letters to Breathe and there, you can post your anonymous, unsent letters and say what you can’t say anywhere else. You can get the weight off your chest and the monkey off your back and finally tell your neighbor that if he wasn’t being such a bitter turd about the property line, you’d be more than happy to inform him that his wife is banging the UPS guy. You can do it without fear of discovery or consequence or a big oak tree plunging through your roof.
By the way, if you ever see a letter posted there addressed to AssHat Douchebag in which some guy gets verbally castrated and has his balls theoretically shoved down his throat because he once humiliated a shy, young, naive underclassman in front of all his friends in the middle of the senior corridor of a high school over twenty-five years ago, I didn’t write it.
Yet.
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29 thoughts on “Randomosity”
First of all, YAY apparently I’m in the loop! I never knew! I just thought I was married to someone who is (a) a native Rochesterian and (b) cheaper than…….. whatever the cheapest thing you can think of would be, as I’m blanking right now on anything other than Scrooge McDuck, and therefore have spent more than anyone’s fair share of the asscrack of dawns at the public market.
Second of all, YAY for Stuart and his spices! I especially adore his Garlic Granules. I haven’t used garlic powder in over a decade, thanks to his granules. So, so good. I put them on everything but cereal and ice cream. Seriously. Mmmmmmmm.
Was Stuart there? He usually is…. he’s the tall guy who looks like Abe Lincoln and wears an engineer’s hat. ISYK.
I’d call that “mustard” myself, and how is everyone else going to know it is fake unless, you know, you TELL US ALL ON YOUR BLOG? AND TWITTER? AND YOUR FACEBOOK PAGES? Ahem.
Also, HOLY CANNOLI but Oliver’s getting ginormous!!! Even without eating doggie treats!
Lastly, I have decided that the best course of action when my own daughter turns the age at which one begins driving motorized vehicles on public roadways is for me to hightail it to Hawaii for a month or twelve. Or Vegas. Or George Clooney’s Italian villa. I’m saving my frequent flyer miles up starting now. (She turns seven next week, so I have some time to accrue them………….)
Really truly lastly, lunch? Sometime? Or do I have to start insulting you, you skinny cow? 😉
.-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Lost, Shmost, it’s Sweeps Week on Cat TV, too, you know… =-.
Um, that should be ISYN. I cannot believe I actually mistyped that by abbreviating the wrong freaking version of “knot” – clearly I was more damaged by chaperoning a group of 45 first graders through the woods, swamp, marsh and pond areas of Tinker Nature Park than I realized.
That should read ISYN as in I s*** you not. NOT not KNOT. Oy.
Okay, I’m going to stop typing now.
At least I was the first!
(That’s what she said!)
.-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Lost, Shmost, it’s Sweeps Week on Cat TV, too, you know… =-.
I can’t wait to check out your friends blog. I have to bite my tongue so hard to not say what I really want to say out on that there internet!
And, I couldn’t help but comment on that little brown fluff of yours- looks like a Shih-Tzu. I have his twin at home. I love my fluff so much and would love to see him bury his face in a bowl of ice cream.
.-= Kelly Jo’s last blog post is here ..{ housekeeping } =-.
My dog is the same way!! I’ve purchased EVERY treat in the WalMart puppy aisle at the insistence of my far too cute 5 year old and the dog won’t eat them. None of them. Now give him a good pair of panties and he’s all over that. Thanks for that website address, I know a few friends who need it!
And I totally thought that was a real Jimmy Choo purse.
.-= ConnieFoggles’s last blog post is here ..Energizer National Geographic Photo Contest And Giveaway =-.
That roadkill seasoning is a crack up!!
.-= Hear Mum Roar’s last blog post is here ..Update =-.
Somehow I just know you are the WORST backseat driver in the universe! (but only because you care so much about the rest of humanity). It is a wonder you are allowed/tollerated in the car at all.
When I was learning, my Dad (Hi Janmary’s Dad!) used to do the reverse out and point in the right direction bit for me – maybe that’s why I still struggle to reverse!
Finally we have the fussiest cat when it comes to treats. He hates them all – I think it is just a pet food marketing ploy for us gullible pet owners!
.-= Janmary, N Ireland’s last blog post is here ..Blog Journal Day 3 – Proudest Moments =-.
We have a weird place like Stuart’s where it’s fun to go giggle. Will it make you feel better if I told you the color of that knock-off is called Baby-shit Gold? No, well I tried.
Daughter learning to drive and you’re not totally insane? You rock!
.-= Cheryl’s last blog post is here ..Bee-autiful People =-.
I love the knock off purses. I too was once naive. Then I found out there was a vendor at the Sunday flea market where we used to live who sold them. I for the life of me could not figure out how the college kids could afford Louis Vuitton bags in various styles. Once I found out the secret it made shopping for a friend of mine infinitely easier for her birthday. I’m sure there are lots of elementary teachers trying to figure out how she affords Kate Spade bags.
.-= Amanda’s last blog post is here ..Brandy’s Battle =-.
I am so loving her ‘do’!
.-= BlissfulBabe’s last blog post is here ..Totally Crafty Tuesday Talk! Or Something Equally Witty. 🙂 =-.
I too would love to give some family members a piece of my mind (which might be the last piece) but needless to say they secretly stalk it. I know this as they let it slip, that hthey knew something that I only wrote on my blog.
So guess hubby just has to listen to me b1tch’n about his family LOL.
.-= Tracy’s last blog post is here ..Some tags and Jamie Oliver =-.
the purse is FAB! metalics are in 😉
the ice cream place near us has doggie ice cream, too! it cracks me up….
i have to check out that blog link…TFS
.-= ellen s’s last blog post is here ..Ghesso Galore! =-.
uhmm, i think ur pretty rockin first of all.
second, that roadkill spice is the perfect prize for my annual roadkill contest i’m hosting at this very MOMENT.
third, i’m a sitsta too! but i don’t look NEAR as cute as you do in glasses. dangit…
OK, quick lesson here. Don’t use the words “Jimmy Choo / copyright / infringe / knock off” in a blog post. Jimmy Choo probably has a dozen lawyers on retainer combing the internet every day to find who is knocking off Jimmy’s product. I was a paralegal for 24 years. Legal paranoia? Yep. Just don’t want to see the feds busting down your door and scaring Oliver…
I have recently started blogging for this delightful sit called Not Your Mom’s Blog – I do it using a pseudonym, of course [actually two] and I can vent my spleen on there like I can’t do on my regular blog. It’s very freeing. http://notyourmomsblog.com/ – check it out…
Please know you’re blessed with Oliver. My Yorkie-Poo eats everything, including bugs and dust bunnies, and makes huge messes as a result. Every morning I get to clean up poop and doggie vomit. Only the power of her cuteness saves her from total annihilation… Thanks God I have a strong stomach…
.-= Dee’s last blog post is here ..Adorable Pet Stuff =-.
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God I love coming here. You always know how to make a poor rural girl gleam with envy. ice cream and a purse. God help me.
.-= Erika Taylor’s last blog post is here ..Magistical Memories meets GCD =-.
My dog eats everything. His favorite treat is wooden furniture, and if you think I am lying you should know that we didn’t have to baby proof our coffee table because Eli chewed the corners off of every side so that there isn’t a sharp edge to be had. Ah… baby proofing.
I’m calling the Jimmy Choo po-leece on you!
.-= Robin’s last blog post is here ..Nielsen-Massey Vanilla Walnut Poundcake with Orange Vanilla Glaze Recipe =-.
Thanks for mentioning my site! I am so proud of it LOL
And I LOVE your purse!! Tooo cute!! (my loop keeps moving too!)
.-= Eve’s last blog post is here ..Dear Birthmom, =-.
good luck with the driving lessons. cute pup. our does the same with treats.
.-= sarah’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wordful Wenesday =-.
Oliver is awfully cute for a poo eater. And roadkill? You KNOW people actually use it on roadkill. Cause the do. I’m sure of it.
.-= Heather’s last blog post is here ..On Naming Offspring =-.
I’m not usually in the loop, either. I DID find out that the mall less than a mile from my new house will be having a weekly farmer’s market. I’m super excited about that.
My dog DOES eat everything, including the poop. Blech!!
I am no where near ready for a child of mine to drive. I think I’ll die of a heart attack!
.-= Paula’s last blog post is here ..Giveaway Linkup May 20 =-.
Oh my gosh, the dog and his ice cream is what had me cracking me up! I know, it’s the simple things!
First I can totally relate to the learning to drive part. My daughter is getting better but if I’m in a hurry she cannot drive us!
I love the idea of being able to say what I want to say anonymously. I’ll have to check out that site, thanks!
.-= Kristie’s last blog post is here ..Free Spa Naturals Sample =-.
This whole post made me LOL! I had to read the first part to my hubby. I am dreading the day my son can drive (we still have a year and a half) I’m hoping they decide to change the law and raise the driving age to 18 🙂 Fat chance of that happening though so it looks like I’ll be doing the backseat thing too.
Our pup loves to go to the icecream stand but unlike yours she will eat EVERYTHING! evn chicken poop… yuck
.-= Henrietta’s last blog post is here ..Pie’s Ponderings =-.
You always put a big smile on my face! I need to check back here more often. 😀
.-= Linda Rodriguez’s last blog post is here ..Busy as a Bee…or a Few Hundred =-.
Oh man, the whole learning to drive is something I’m dreading around here, especially with 3 boys who’s favorite thing to do is crash into each other while riding their bikes.
I’m totally gonna check on the site you mentioned. I have some things to get off my chest too and you are so right that the repurcussions in real life just aren’t worth posting it on my blog!
.-= Helene’s last blog post is here ..How to survive a family vacation at Disneyland… =-.
There’s a spice for roadkill? I don’t have to make my own anymore?
Damn.
We’re gonna eat gourmet when I get me a bottle of that…
.-= Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity’s last blog post is here ..Luggage For Kids, Letters To Breathe And Other Random Things {Asylum Announcements} =-.
The guy in the high school hallway thing: 50 years ago for me. Go get him for all of us! Jerk.