At least he put the seat down …


We had a little visitor yesterday.

And I’m not sure what surprises Helena more … the fact that the leprechaun always forgets to flush every year or the fact that I don’t wig out because the little leprechaun always forgets to flush every year.

I mean, I wig out whenever anyone else forgets to flush. How come he’s so special?

And I tell her it’s because he doesn’t poop. I can deal with green pee a lot better than green poop. And hey, if she pees green once a year and stops pooping, I’ll treat her special too.

The first time the leprechaun visited our house and forgot to flush his business, Helena wasn’t even born yet and Zoe was probably around five or six.

And Zoe was all YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE IN A HOUSE WHERE LITTLE GREEN MEN PEE IN OUR TOILETS? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? And then she would avoid the bathroom for the rest of the day and cross her legs and hold her pee in until her retinas turned yellow.

Zoe has always been skittish about the whole mythical creature scenario.

Reindeer fly? Bunnies carry baskets? Leprechauns pee? Fairies collect teeth? What the hell kind of world did we bring her into, for crying out loud?

She loved the fact that they’d leave her presents. Well, except for the green pee because according to the Mommy Bible, there is no three second rule when it comes to a toilet … you aren’t allowed to take anything to show and tell that once floated in a toilet because it makes Mommy go to her sad place and history has shown that when Mommy’s in her sad place, no one gets clean underwear or dinner. It’s just not worth it.

Zoe just couldn’t accept the fact that it was all done in secrecy, under darkness of night, while everyone was asleep. All that sneaking around just freaked her out.

What if Santa can’t fit down our chimney? Will he come through a window? My window? WHAT IF HE STEPS ON MY FACE?

Will the Easter Bunny hide any eggs in my room? Under my pillow? WHAT IF HE BREATHES ON ME?

What if the tooth fairy can’t find my tooth? WHAT IF SHE TAKES MY EYEBALL INSTEAD?

So I’d snuggle with her and sing to her and rock her and try to lull her to sleep and she’d fight it every inch of the way until I’d be all FOR GOD’S SAKE ZOE, SANTA’S LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS OLD AND OVERWEIGHT WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. GO TO SLEEP BEFORE HE DROPS DEAD ALREADY because I went to the Machiavellian school of parenting where the ends justify the means, especially if the ends include getting to bed sometime before 3:00 a.m.

Helena is the exact opposite of Zoe. She’s doesn’t care how they get in the house, as long as they get in and do their job. Period.

Occasionally, she’ll engineer a device or method by which to catch them in the act. Last year, she set a trap for the leprechaun in our powder room using two plastic baskets taped together and some peanut butter cookies and gold shiny buttons as bait.

She was so disappointed when he eluded her.

He got away, Mom.

I’m sorry, peanut.

And he at all the cookies.

Well, he’s hungry from all of his travels. And peeing all over the world.

But all of them?

Like I said, he was hungry.

Even the ones in the pantry? Behind the cereal?



You would think I’d have a photo to document her flash of creative genius, wouldn’t you? You would be wrong because in my spare time, I also attended the Day Late, Dollar Short, You Big Loser school of parenting and damn if  their tuition isn’t high. Painfully high.

This year, Helena didn’t set a trap. She was too busy with her science fair project to even remember. So yesterday morning, she ran into the bathroom to pee and saw the toilet and ran right back out with a squeal of laughter before lamenting the fact that she missed another opportunity to catch him in the act.

Then she checked the pantry for cookies as I quickly brushed off my chin.

Now that Zoe’s older and wiser, she has a different perspective and doesn’t freak out about the green pee the way she used to.

Unless she’s waited all day to relieve her bladder because she inherited the Public Bathrooms Harbor Bubonic Plague gene from her mom and she comes rushing into the house, yelling at anyone and everyone to get out of her way as she runs to the bathroom, only to discover to her dismay that she’s been barred access to immediate relief by order of Helena:


Technically, she’ll still freak out.

But for entirely different reasons.


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35 thoughts on “At least he put the seat down …”

  1. Avatar

    Oh my GOODNESS, I never, ever thought of/heard of green pee in the toilet. GENIUS!

    I am so totally doing this next year. (That is, assuming I remember this next year – remind me, will ya please?) Kiddo is enamored of all things mythical/magical and totally believed that a leprechaun visited her kindergarten class while they were at specials yesterday. Seriously – I mean, he left them each a baggie (conveniently labeled with their names) full of GOLD COINS! And in the gold coins? CHOCOLATE!!! (Pause while we wait for Kiddo to collect herself from the puddle of gleeful goo into which she’s melted from learning this fact…)

    I came across the dayglo-emerald green necklace that Kiddo collected at last year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade yesterday while doing the laundry (as it was in the plastic bin with the various stain removal sprays and tubes. I mean, where else would it be?) and snuck it onto the doorknob upon which Kiddo had hung the dayglo-emerald green beads (no shamrocks) that the leprechaun had left her at school while she was eating dinner. I made several comments about how I could’ve sworn I heard a leprechaun’s laugh and then raced upstairs to tell Hubby of my brilliance. When Kiddo came upstairs a few moments later, she was delighted to have discovered the leprechaun had indeed been back and left her another necklace. Delighted, but not surprised – she totally believes he would come back and give her a necklace (that she’d conveniently forgotten entirely about as it languished in the laundry room) because that’s how leprechauns roll.

    So, this ever-so-brief-and-not-rambly-at-all comment goes to show you, Kiddo would totally love green pee in the toilet!

    I shall stop the rambling now. You’d think I’d been drinking green beer yesterday, but nope, the only alcoholic beverage I ingested was Nyquil last night, and that was the cherry flavor, so it was red, not green. *hic*

  2. Avatar

    That’s hilarious! Like your Zoe, we completely flipped out one of our sons with stories of mythical beings. For about 2 weeks after learning about the tooth fairy, he was scared to go to sleep because the tooth fairy would come and steal all his teeth.


    Love the green toilet! That wacky elf!

  3. Avatar

    Rofl on the green pea and public bathrooms. I feel the same way. So, when I find a half way descent one i usually mark it on my internal map memory.

    What a genesus on the green pea. I love it. The note is wonderful.

    The tution for parenting is incredible. Its happy and sad.

  4. Avatar

    So *that’s* where all the cookies go…he visits our house throughout the year! And I wish I would have thought of green pee. I wonder what color the Easter Bunny’s is…

  5. Avatar

    Never have I ever heard of green pee in the toilet, that was a good one.
    We don’t have a visitor show up on St. Patty’s Day, I may have to use this next year. My kids were very disappointed, cuz all their friends had visitors.
    Anyhoo, you’re not gett Anderson Cooper back, he’s MINE! You can have Matt Lauer from the Today Show!

  6. Avatar

    Hope my kids don’t read this, as they will demand to know why leprechauns have time to visit kids all over the world, but don’t come to our house to “do their business” in N Ireland!

    PLEASE link this up to my St Patrick’s Day bloggy carnival, so you can enter the giveway(s).

  7. Avatar

    Re Barb’s comment LOL!

    Thanks for linking up to the carnival – not late – any posts with a vague irish connection can be linked up before end of Saturday 21st. But if you want to think I allowed you in because you are special, who am I to burst the bubble!

  8. Avatar

    You guys have such a funny family… =)

    I must say that we have avoided all mythological/magical traditions in our household. I just don’t lie well enough. =)

  9. Avatar

    We do the green pee, too! I love that about St. Patty’s day!! You can get a lot of mileage out of some gold, chocolate coins and green toilet water… My friend turns the milk in her fridge green, too, but I’d never want to drink it…

    I’m so disappointed that you missed out on the picture of the leprechaun trap. It’s because you didn’t have your new camera 🙂

  10. Avatar

    Great story, as usual.

    Our little visitor left blue water in the toilet, much to my wife’s disappointment and my laughter. Our oldest turned it green by adding a bit of his own water.

    So it all worked out in the end.


  11. Avatar

    ROFL! I LOVE the idea of the green pee in the toilet – that’s so freakin’ hilarious! Wish I would have thought of something fun like that to do with the kids. We didn’t really do a thing to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day here; I’ve just been so swamped. Next year…. and I’m totally cracking up because (as I’ve so wonderfully illustrated here) I, too, attended the Day Late, A Dollar Short, Big Loser parenting school. Snort! 😉

  12. Avatar

    LOL!! Mine are all like Helena! They could care less as long as **whoever the holiday brings** leaves them something! Joe was disappointed today..his leprechaun trap at school only netted him a few “gold” coins and 1 piece of candy. He was expecting the mother load in candy…sigh. We still have some left from Halloween!

  13. Avatar

    Green pee! That’s genius!

    What I did was tell my seven-year-old son that the Leprechauns had visited the house and made a mess all over the counter. My son went, “Um, that’s YOUR mess!” Which, okay, was true but I was sort of hoping he’d believe me. Oh well.

  14. Avatar

    You know what? I bet no one in my house would even notice! I think I might see if the Easter Bunny might have need of our facilities in a couple of weeks. I’m thinking he pees pink.

  15. Avatar

    How awesome is that? I’ve never heard of green pee. I’m going to have to TRY and remember that for next year. Her questions are hilarious. My 6-year-old is in a very “what if” stage. I love the scenarios he comes up with. Hers are just adorable…. and scary. I don’t think I thought it through that much when I was little or I would have been scared too. And scarred for life.

  16. Avatar

    That is so funny. THe little guy doesn’t visit our house, I am with Zoe, I don’t do much with magical creatures. Santa has only ever been a blip on the radar at our house. Presents come from mom and dad…

    This blogging carnival has been fun….

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