Who’s game for another multiple choice quickie?


  • Nate planned this excursion himself and surprised his wife and two kids with it on the morning of.
  • Contrary to public opinion, Nate’s wife is in favor of spontaneity, provided it is thoroughly researched to within an inch of its life and comes equipped with a contingency plan. And a few Xanax wouldn’t hurt either.
  • This excursion did not come with a contingency plan.
  • No Xanax either.
  • At check-in, the Whirlpool Jet Boat Tour employees processed the family’s paperwork and suggested they place their change of clothes in a locker adjacent to the dressing room.
  • A change of clothes falls under “research” and totally qualifies as a contingency plan.
  • Someone insisted “The website didn’t say anything about a change of clothes.”
  • This would be the same person who once adamantly insisted to the point of obnoxiousness that The Wedding Song (There is Love) was written and recorded by Art Garfunkel when it was, in fact, written and recorded by Noel Paul Stookey, a fact proven with incontrovertible evidence discovered by this person’s wife in May, 1999 in the music department of Barnes & Noble, located next to the cafe, across from the children’s section. Not that this person’s wife is keeping score or anything.


EXHIBIT #1: The website for WhirlPool Jet Boat Tours


EXHIBIT #2: A close up of Exhibit #1 with added highlights:

Which of the following is most likely to be true, based upon the foregoing facts and visual aids and, if applicable, any prior knowledge you may possess of the dysfunction known as FOR SHIT’S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL,  NATE?

  1. Nate will be getting Hooked on Phonics for Father’s Day.
  2. Hitting a Class 5 rapid head on and having approximately 50,000 gallons of the frigid Niagara River rush up and out your shorts like a mini tsunami is like having a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am quickie with a Viagra infused Abominable Snowman, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
  3. Walking around Niagara Falls afterward with sopping wet shorts is not unlike carrying your own personal, portable air conditioner on your ass.
  4. Having your own personal, portable air conditioner on your ass is actually pretty convenient when it is holyshitcanitgetanyfreakinghotter° outside.
  5. There may be some truth to that whole “every cloud has a silver lining” thing.
  6. Nevertheless, Nate is no longer allowed to run amuck on the Internet and plan spontaneous excursions that expose his wife to nature, especially the wet kind.
  7. The fact that Nate is attached to his laptop by his umbilical cord pretty much negates any reinforcement of #6.
  8. As a direct result of #7, odds are that Nate’s wife will be spontaneously exposed to nature again at some point in the future.
  9. In light of #8, if Nate ever wants to wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am his wife again, he better hope that #5 goddamn well turns out to be true.
  10. All of the above.



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18 thoughts on “Who’s game for another multiple choice quickie?”

  1. Avatar

    I’d insist that while spontaneous activities are acceptable, perhaps allowing an additional 5 minutes for another person to review the activities brochures & websites before leaving, would be a reasonable request.

    Sounds like it was a fun thing to do though
    .-= stacey@Havoc&Mayhem’s last blog post is here ..I just needed a few =-.

  2. Avatar

    Pfft, it wouldn’t have been nearly so memorable with a change of clothes.

    Since you did say this is a multiple choice quickie and I would never pass up a quickie, I choose #2. Especially in light of the website line you didn’t highlight that I love, “get ready to hydrate your senses”.

    PS: I’m updating the expression to be “every cloud has a wet silver lining”.
    .-= RJFerret’s last blog post is here ..RJFerret: @dflyamie Hee at Librarian Gaga. So what’s up with librarians and their funky socks anyway? =-.

  3. Avatar

    Love your list and your description of your excursion! You are one brave woman and your husband must be onehell of a brave man, because I know that I would have some words to say about this. But funny post!

  4. Avatar

    Never one to pass up a quickie…..

    From a man’s perspective, Nate’s a genius. He actually planned to appear totally incompetent and forget about the change of clothing thing… It was his master plan all along to keep you comfortable with the AAC (Ass Air Conditioning).

    Or all we men might just be idiots only interested in 3 things…

    It could go either way. Just say.

    Stan at Scrappers Workshop
    .-= stan’s last blog post is here ..Quick Tip Tuesday – What a Character! =-.

  5. Avatar

    If you want to do it again, this time with a change of clothes, I want to go to Niagara Falls in August. If you want to come with, we could do this, walk around, go to the casino. Or, just go to the casino 😉

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