Zoe’s giving Humpty Dumpty a run for his money

I had every intention of writing a post about Helena’s ears because I know how much you look forward to reading about my kids’ appendages but Zoe had other plans and those plans took 65% of what’s left of my sanity and blew it to smithereens so now you’re left with this post.

Since I only have 35% of my faculties to work with at the moment, don’t be surprised if I occasionally drip some drool or start channeling KC and the Sunshine Band willy nilly.

By the way, what would KC have done if the word “boogie” hadn’t been invented yet or if it had been against the law to repeat the same phrase fifty times over and call it a song?




(((wiping my monitor)))


It all started when I picked up Zoe from swimming and she winced and moaned and contorted her body into 57 different positions before gingerly coming to rest in the front seat. I was immediately suspicious that something was amiss and that’s because I am astute. I like being astute. Makes me feel smart. I like to feel smart.

But I cringed and hesitated before asking her what had happened because I really just wanted to drive straight to the Land of Denial and pretend that a doctor’s visit and x-rays and physical therapy were not in our immediate future.

But the Land of Denial was closed for renovations and I listened toΒ  Zoe as she recited her tale, gripping my steering wheel and, as she spoke, fighting the urge to let every fiber of my being beat up every other fiber of my being until I became a raging puddle of GOD DAMN IT TO HELL AND BACK.


I’m your Boogie Man. That’s what I am. I’m here to do whatever I can.

Be it early morning, late afternoon. Or at midnight. It’s never too soon.


((((wipe, wipe, wipe)))


To understand my frustration, you need to be familiar with Zoe’s medical history. Hang on a sec while I have a forklift dump off Zoe’s file.


Let’s recap, shall we?

  • Broken leg
  • Broken arm
  • Broken wrist
  • Broken finger
  • Sprained neck
  • Fractured / severely bruised elbow (depending on which doctor you believe)
  • Sprained right ankle
  • Sprained left ankle – which turned out to be far worse than if she had actually broken it. Ironic much?

I can’t even begin to add up all the costs associated with her injuries, in terms of casts, splints, braces, Advil, Tylenol, recovery time, follow-up visits, co-pays, physical therapy sessions and loss of exercise. And then, of course, we have to add what we spent on Zoe.

After years of screaming and crying and stomping my feet and pleading to God to just STOP IT ALREADY AND LEAVE MY CHILD ALONE, I’ve come to realize that accidents, much like shit, happen and for some reason, they are drawn to Zoe like heat seeking missiles. I could hide her two miles into the earth’s core in an underground bunker and they’d still find her.Β  I understand and accept the fact that neither Zoe nor I nor anyone has any control over this. It just is. Kind of like arm flab and cramps.

But what I cannot accept nor understand, what simply boggles my mind and drives me utterly batshit crazy, is WHY WHY WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, would someone who is an accident magnet, who simply has to stand there while accidents fall all over themselves to get her autograph, phone in an order to Freak Accidents Are Us and requests a supersized #2 special?

Clue? Anybody got one?

And no sooner did she place her order, hang up that phone and start goofing around with her friend by pulling chairs out from under one another, when she missed her chair entirely and fell butt first onto the rock solid ceramic tile floor. Hard.

Freak Accidents Are Us then asked if she wanted fries with that?


I want to put on … my my my my my boogie shoes. Just to boogie with you.

Yeah, I want to put on … my my my my my boogie shoes. Just to boogie with you.


((((wipe, wipe, wipe)))


Four hours, five x-rays, three different medical buildings across the city and three co-pays later, Zoe is now the proud owner of a fractured coccyx. In other words, her tailbone sustained a very slight, barely perceptible, hairline fracture, as well as one whopper of a bruise.

HOLY DAMN SHIT, SHE BROKE HER ASS. And it’s not like I can run right out to Target and get her a new one.

I know she does not need me to be angry right now. I know that she needs me to just be there. And so I will just be there and try to swallow my outrage over the very real probability that of her litany of injuries, the one that might cause her the most pain and the longest recovery and result in permanent damage to her body is the only one that was entirely preventable.

I wonder if outrage goes down smoother with a chocolate milkshake chaser.

I’m irritated beyond belief at the sheer stupidity of it all and I agonize over the price that her body will now have to pay for a couple moments of idiocy. And at the same time, I realize that she did not intend to do this, that she’s a kid and kids mess around, that it was an accident, that it never occurred to her that she could get hurt and that’s because she does not worry about such things. She rarely worries about anything. She leaves all the worrying to me because I do such a good job at it.

If she didn’t have her father’s jaw and disposition, I would be hard pressed to believe this beautiful fourteen year old girl once gestated in my body. How could she have lived inside of me for nine months and be genetically incapable of worry?



Shake Shake Shake

Shake Shake Shake

Shake your booty

Shake your booty

((((wipe, wipe, wipe)))

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24 thoughts on “Zoe’s giving Humpty Dumpty a run for his money”

  1. Avatar

    Oh no, Andy, I’m so sorry. Best wishes to Zoe and to you… just buy her a “doughnut” that she can carry with her everywhere (might make her think twice about silly tricks!), and really, she should be fine in a couple of months. It takes a while to get better, but it will…

  2. Avatar

    Poor kid… at least now she can list on that “7 Random Facts” meme that she broke her ass one time!

    And there is no shame in duct tape, although personally, I prefer Terrifically Tacky Tape.

  3. Avatar

    Oh I share your/her pain – but not literally thank you very much.

    Just think of the stories she can tell her grandchildren of her medical adventures and mishaps. She will be the coolest gran in the nursing home!

  4. Avatar

    Oh my! Poor Zoe. Poor you! I truly understand your frustration as mother of a boy who has broken his shoulder and his ear. Yes, his ear. Breathe …

  5. Avatar

    Ouch. I broke my tailbone when I was about her age too. We were out on a dock in the middle of a lake, I was standing on the edge and my cousin was in the water (know where I’m going with this?) well he decided it would be funny to grab my ankle and pull me in the water. And my tailbone decided it wasn’t funny to be running into the corner of the dock at a break neck speed. It was very painful, it took a long time to heal, and I still have trouble sitting through a long movie in the theater and I have to get up at work every hour or so or it starts to ache. Unfortunately you are right, this is one injury she will feel for the rest of her life, but luckily only while sitting … for long periods of time … wow, bet that didn’t help the drooling stop! Sorry. πŸ™

  6. Avatar

    “HOLY DAMN SHIT, SHE BROKE HER ASS. And it’s not like I can run right out to Target and get her a new one.”

    and I’m dead. For seriously.

    I had to forward your blog to coworkers who were wondering why I was laughing so loud at that.

    But poor kiddo, thats gotta hurt πŸ™ Hope she feels better soon.

  7. Avatar

    ohhhh i broke my tailbone delivering Frogger. it’s NOT a fun thing but there really is nothing to be done about it other than suffer! poor kiddo….

    i always love reading your blog – you really should get it all printed as a book… your kids will love it some day, as will you to head back and read it! πŸ™‚

  8. Avatar

    Oh my word – I’m so sorry for you both!

    And I’m sorry for my husband who keeps yelling from the living room, “what?”… “WHAT?”… because I just read your previous blog entry and laughed my derriere off… and then read this entry and laughed a little more (in sympathy, of course). I guess I need to go charge up the laptop so I can read your entries aloud to him, so he’ll know WHAT I was laughing about…

    Hugs to you and Zoe…

  9. Avatar

    Oh goodness! Seems like she has been through so much! I feel much empathy for her, but also couldn’t help but to giggle with how you tell your story. At least you have a great sense of humor!

  10. Avatar

    Oh my God you poor thing! Zoe too of course, her poor little bottom. But your tender nerves have been frayed yet again it seems. Is there nothing worse than suffering the pain of your brood? Hang in there!

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  12. Avatar

    That is too funny! My SIL broke her ass one time. My kids haven’t broken anything yet. We get weird stuff & aren’t co-pays a pain! Check out an old post of mine (Sept. 3)about Primary Pediatrics.

  13. Avatar

    Oh my….that must hurt! I must say I am pretty clumsy growing up too.

    I hope Zoe(like that name by the way) gets better soon, might be a good idea to wrap her in that bubble wrap.

  14. Avatar

    Well, it sounds like you have an accident prone child, but that’s a good thing in my opinion. When things happen later in life she’ll be ready for it, because of all the bumps she is taking now, and in the past.

    I’ve seen tons of freak accidents over the years, because it’s part of my job. I once saw a kid run across a bridge on a playground. He tripped and hit head first into a metal support pole. He needed twelve stitches to close the hole in his head. First Aid was called for, but who has time to run across to the otherside of the park to get it? I just took off my shirt (button up) and put it right on the wound.

    That’s just life… freak accidents included.

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