A pictorial essay on why my bi-polar bladder should be arrested for arson

This was my bladder on Monday morning.

It was saying HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! I LOVE YOU!

This was my bladder two hours later, after bacteria crawled up my bahoodle doodle and threw up all over my urinary tract system.

It was saying FUCK YOU AND YOUR WONDERFUL DAY. I HATE YOU.

I felt uncomfortable and bloated, as if I was eleven months pregnant. One good sneeze and I think I could have given birth to my uterus right there in my kitchen.

Worst of all, it burned like a futhermucker to pee.

Good thing I only had to do that every minute or so.

I wasn’t too happy to discover that I had run out of my trusty old antibiotic, Cipro.

I called my urologist to get a refill and was told that in order to get a new prescription, I had to come into the office and give them a sample via a catheter because this is the method they prefer when you are the owner of a schizophrenic bladder.

I wasn’t happy. Why an office visit? Why couldn’t they just renew my prescription over the phone? I mean, if I hadn’t let my prescription run out, I’d still have enough Cipro refills to last me at least another five infections or a small scale Anthrax terrorist attack. So, what the hell, you big meanies?

But they have to make money off me somehow, don’t they?

So I paid a $40.00 co-pay for the privilege of placing my legs in stirrups, assuming the position and having tubing shoved through my urethra up to my bladder.

It hurt.

I was sad.

Who knew I’d ever miss peeing in a cup?

Not me, that’s who.

But in the end, I got my Cipro which makes me nauseous and sluggish, like I’ve drunk seven too many beers.

I’m always debating on which is worse … the symptoms of a bladder infection or the side effects of the antibiotics.

It’s kind of like a “which came first, the chicken or the egg” scenario.

Or maybe not. It’s hard to make sense when you feel like you’re going to heave up dinner from last week.

I also got some more Phenazopyridine, which is a fancy name for a pill that makes me pee neon orange.

I think you can see it from space.

The neon orange pee, not the pill.

((waving HI to the space shuttle astronauts))

To sum it up, this week has been total suckage so far and all I’ve wanted to do is lay on the couch and fondly remember the good old days, when I felt somewhat human.

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35 thoughts on “A pictorial essay on why my bi-polar bladder should be arrested for arson”

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Why my bi-polar bladder should be arrested for arson | thecreativejunkie.com -- Topsy.com

  2. I do hope you feel better soon. But I am laughing so hard I am crying. Glad you can see the humor in a miserable situation.

  3. Ok, your photos and descriptions made me giggle, not for your pain, but because you described a bladder infection to a T.!! HOpe you’re feeling better soon and back to normal!

  4. Oh no! I have catheter phobia. Not only do I hate them (like most people) but everytime I get one I get horrible bladder infections. To the point where when I have my children the doctor immediately puts me on an anti biotic. No questions asked.

    Feel better,
    Lee

  5. Last time I had a catheter the nurse said in a firm voice “This will NOT hurt”. When I yelped in pain she said “this is NOT hurting” – I replied it may not be hurting you but it is from where I am right now!

    We were both equally unimpressed with eachother!

  6. Oh man, that totally sucks!!! Glad you got your scrip but that sucks that they made you come in so they could shove a catheter up your innards in order to get a pee sample.

    Hope you feel better soon!!!!!

  7. This made laugh so hard I wanted to pee. (no pun intended) I relived the pain every inch of this post. UTIs are the worst. Hope you feel better soon!

  8. Oh my gosh-you and your words. Bahoodle doodle. I love it. Sorry you’re having a craptastic time. Hope it gets better soon because I know from experience these things stink!!!! Loved the pictures. You always make me smile-hope you’re smiling again soon!

  9. I can’t express enough how bad I feel (for laughing my way -guiltily of course) through this post. I also feel pretty bad you had to go through this. But it was excellent blog fodder and you are the only person. The ONLY person who could make a UTI funny.

    Hugs,
    nicóle
    writespell.com

  10. I will so remember this post the next time I have a bladder infection. Love the pics and yes those antibiotic sideeffects suck. Hope you feel better soon.

    Lucy

  11. Wow, I think you are the only one I know that could so poetically recount a painful bladder infection . . . Hope you feel better soon and thanks for hanging in there and running the chat!

  12. I felt very similar to you Friday thru Tuesday because I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth surgically removed from my face. The pain was awful, and then the medication they give you to mask the feeling of someone repeatedly stabbing you in the face puts you in a weird drunken state where you say odd things, forget conversations, and wandering between reality and comatose. Very awesome indeed.

    Hope you feel better soon though!

  13. That sounds horrible! I HATE bladder infections – but LOVE those little pills that make it feel all better. I would pay any amount for them when I can’t pee and am in pain! I hope you feel better soon!

  14. After going through two back to back kidney infections and now doing the thrush mouth, I totally enjoyed your blog!! Haven’t laughed about it till now. Thank you!

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