This was my bladder on Monday morning.
It was saying HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! I LOVE YOU!
This was my bladder two hours later, after bacteria crawled up my bahoodle doodle and threw up all over my urinary tract system.
It was saying FUCK YOU AND YOUR WONDERFUL DAY. I HATE YOU.
I felt uncomfortable and bloated, as if I was eleven months pregnant. One good sneeze and I think I could have given birth to my uterus right there in my kitchen.
Worst of all, it burned like a futhermucker to pee.
Good thing I only had to do that every minute or so.
I wasn’t too happy to discover that I had run out of my trusty old antibiotic, Cipro.
I called my urologist to get a refill and was told that in order to get a new prescription, I had to come into the office and give them a sample via a catheter because this is the method they prefer when you are the owner of a schizophrenic bladder.
I wasn’t happy. Why an office visit? Why couldn’t they just renew my prescription over the phone? I mean, if I hadn’t let my prescription run out, I’d still have enough Cipro refills to last me at least another five infections or a small scale Anthrax terrorist attack. So, what the hell, you big meanies?
But they have to make money off me somehow, don’t they?
So I paid a $40.00 co-pay for the privilege of placing my legs in stirrups, assuming the position and having tubing shoved through my urethra up to my bladder.
I was sad.
Who knew I’d ever miss peeing in a cup?
Not me, that’s who.
But in the end, I got my Cipro which makes me nauseous and sluggish, like I’ve drunk seven too many beers.
I’m always debating on which is worse … the symptoms of a bladder infection or the side effects of the antibiotics.
It’s kind of like a “which came first, the chicken or the egg” scenario.
Or maybe not. It’s hard to make sense when you feel like you’re going to heave up dinner from last week.
I also got some more Phenazopyridine, which is a fancy name for a pill that makes me pee neon orange.
I think you can see it from space.
The neon orange pee, not the pill.
((waving HI to the space shuttle astronauts))
To sum it up, this week has been total suckage so far and all I’ve wanted to do is lay on the couch and fondly remember the good old days, when I felt somewhat human.