And they’re off …

School started this past Wednesday and it’s taken me a full two days to stop singing and dancing and celebrating so that I can calm down enough to write this post. Today, I cleaned up the last of the balloons and confetti and streamers. I think I’ve got it all out of my system now.


Sorry! Just had to let that out.


And that one too.

I think I’m done.

My girls are doing fine so far (and I’m doing awesome, in case you couldn’t tell) and the transition back to school was painless and rather seamless.


Sorry! I didn’t see that one coming. I think you can relax now.

Here’s Zoe on her first day back. She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Pay no attention to the fake smile that makes her look as if someone is yanking out one of her vertebrae. I was nowhere near her vertebrae.

It was about 6:30 a.m. when I snapped this. It’s on our back deck because Zoe refused to walk out our front door if I was anywhere within fifty feet of her, let alone with a camera in my hands. It might have had something to do with my baggy shorts or my oversized t-shirt sans bra or my socks or my unshaven legs. Or maybe it was my bed head. I have phenomenal bed head … my hair sticks straight up and out without the aid of gel or pomade or paste or any of the 64 jars of hair product in our house. I’ve paid a small fortune for all of that product and none of it comes close to what my hair will do for free when I’m woken up at some God awful hour before dawn.

Isn’t life ironic? I wrote a song about it once but Alanis Morissette had a better agent than I did. And for those of you who don’t know who Alanis Morissette is … my God, what is wrong with you? Take a jagged little pill and google her. Get it? No? Then you didn’t google correctly.


Helena on her first day of school

Here’s Helena, about one hour later. This was taken in our front yard. I looked exactly as I did an hour before but Helena is only eight and hasn’t yet reached that stage where she’s constantly embarrassed that I even breathe. She’s only embarrassed sporadically, like 60% of the time. This morning, her excitement over school outweighed the humiliation over my existence so I was allowed close enough to take some pretty decent shots, my DSLRTCALOM notwithstanding. This lasted right up until the bus rounded the corner at which time it dawned on her that it was entirely possible I would actually follow her down the driveway within sight of everybody on the bus. She immediately morphed into her sister and yelled “Bye mom!” and ran away before anyone could guess we’re related.


She was all in blue and you have no idea how much I had to photoshop this picture so that she did not resemble a smurf. My little unsmurf is getting so big, the little stinker.

Helena’s backpack was chock full of school supplies because the elementary school administration in our district is smart enough to send out supply lists in the summer. They’re good people.

The high school administration, however, is another story entirely. I don’t want to say they’re bad people because that doesn’t sound very nice and it’s too sunny and beautiful today not to be nice. If it was rainy and cold, I’d call them asshats but it’s sunny and beautiful so I will give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they hit their collective head and sustained brain damage. I can think of no other reason why, despite every teacher having a web page, they wait until after school starts before they physically hand out supply lists. After the sales are finished and after every single store in a twenty mile radius has been picked cleaner than the nose of any child under the age of three.

I’m not talking about paper and pens and pencils and folders and other no-brainers. I’m talking about the 1.5 inch and 2 inch and 3 inch binders needed in PINK, PURPLE AND BLUE ONLY, the black marble journals that are COLLEGE RULED ONLY, the ORANGE AND GREEN ONLY dry erase markers, the BLUE ONLY highlighters, the three hole punchers FOR BINDERS ONLY, and all the rest of the stuff that somehow wasn’t important enough to post online before school started but once Wednesday hit, became absolutely mandatory in order to graduate.

Did I mention that we have two high schools in our district, serving thousands of students? So you can imagine the chaos that ensues when these thousands of students and their irritated and overwhelmed parents hit the stores within a two hour period on the same night and become seething psychotic maniacs willing to rip out their best friend’s kidneys if it meant getting the last jumbo sized YELLOW ONLY book cover.

And if anyone thinks that they saw a short, dark haired, chubby little woman going gladiator in the local Target because she couldn’t quite reach that five-pack of multicolored highlighters, just give her a break because she had already gone to six different stores and her back was killing her and her head was pounding and she knew without any doubt at all in what was left of her mind that that was the last pack to be found in the entire tri-state area and it was either go gladiator or offer up her firstborn and she needs her firstborn for a tax write off.

Not that I have any personal knowledge of this woman whatsoever.

You know what? The hell with the weather. STUPID ASSHATS.

I feel so much better now.


I knew there was one more just dying to come out.

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18 thoughts on “And they’re off …”

  1. Avatar

    we are only in year one and when I got the supplies list I didn’t pay very close attention and thought I could just wander in and get all that stuff at my leisure and wouldn’t bother taking up the offer from the supply company that would give me a 15% discount through the school if I got the order in by december 17th (our school year goes February – mid december) I am so going to have that form signed and returned the moment I get it from now on and every year until they graduate!!

  2. Avatar

    I’m so glad there’s no supply list for our school, but then again I only have a 2nd grader. And what IS it with the high schools. I remember that crap they pulled when I went and how our books HAD to be covered yesterday forcing us to carry them all home at once. I weighed my backpack once and it was over 50lbs with everything in it. I know our family doc (a DO) loved it. I went almost weekly for back adjustments.

  3. Avatar

    I would say your camera is now behaving, ‘cos those are super photos. Great kids, and what a huge backpack your daughter has to carry to take in all those school supplies.

    Here, so far, we only have to provide a few small things, mostly just the contents of their pencil cases, which I know they will have lost by the middle of next week.

    “picked cleaner than the nose of any child under the age of 3” – a classic! (LOL)

  4. Avatar

    I hate school supply shopping!! Living in a small town…you have ONE store aka Walmart to go to. It’s rather a pain in my you know what!! The pictures are awesome though!

  5. Avatar

    Let’s not forget the middle school and high schools from the next town over from you that do exactly the same thing, so add to all the parents in your district looking for all their supplies on the first day of school… Glad mine are still in elementary school and I am not dealing with that last minute bs yet! Congrats though – we all made it through another summer! 🙂

  6. Avatar

    The whole notion of supply lists is just weird. Does the school have a mini-store where they put all this stuff? Why can’t you just buy stuff when you need it, as you need it? Why don’t they just ask for a $15 fee per student, buy in bulk, and get it over with?? Most inefficient (sez the Swiss in me, heh).

    Your girls are precious, yahoo’s notwithstanding… =)

  7. Avatar

    OMG! You have me crying from laughing so hard! Not at you, but WITH you 🙂 We do the same thing here in TX, so I can totally relate! Great blog, and I am definitely adding your site to mine! I need this kind of humor in the morning:)

  8. Avatar

    LMBO!!!!! You have definitely started off my day great! I sooooo remember those times, and sooooo DON’T miss em! Well, I do and I don’t. I miss my kids being little (sometimes), but I sooo don’t miss the back to school chaos! And, I’m really liking this Gamma thing (yes, that means I’m a

    Love your wit and humor and the way you write, you are hilarious!

    Have a great day!

  9. Avatar

    Our schools do the same thing! No supply lists. I think it might be an entire U.S. problem.

    Oh…and Andy….I love the word asshat. Maybe I am behind the times but I haven’t heard that one before. Asswipe, yes. Asshat, no. LOL!

  10. Avatar

    Oh my gosh, you are hilarious! This is my first time visiting and I must say this post has me beaming! =) We have a Zoey here too (with a y), she’s off to Pre-K this year…

    Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy your day!

  11. Avatar

    too. funny.
    I can’t understand the concept of handing out the school supply list once school begins…I’d go insane!! I wanted my list at the end of the previous school year!

  12. Avatar

    You are so funny! Great first day blog! Your girls are just beautiful. Too bad we don’t have a photo of you on the first day. Nothing like doing the happy dance when you wave goodbye and have a great day at school!

  13. Avatar

    Gotta tell you, I SO did the happy dance when I sent my kiddos off to school last week. My FAVORITE day of the year!

    And yes, pedicures=heaven!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and showing the love!!

  14. Avatar

    This post is hysterical! I’m still laughing thinking about how my almost 9 year old has to RUN full speed to escape me and my car in the morning towards the closest school entrance while my 6 year old lets me fix her hair and backpack and actually WANTS me to hold her hand as I walk her as far as school officials will let me! And I MUST kiss her goodbye, as long as I do not have lipstick on…I definately will miss these days, as I know they are coming to an end very soon…

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