Apparently, my bling likes to swing

Sometimes I can be so freakishly organized, I even scare myself. The day we moved in our house, the very first thing I organized was the junk drawer in our kitchen. I didn’t care if we slept on doormats or used paper towels to dry off after our showers or ate off cookie sheets with screwdrivers for a week but no way was I going to fish around a drawer for a pen and get stabbed under my nail with a pushpin and get tetanus and rabies and sepsis simultaneously and have to be driven to emergency and have my ass hang out of a paper dress and fight with an orderly for some jello and miss my first night in our house.

Over the years, I have tackled one organizational disaster after another in our house and each time I successfully addressed one, there would be two more hiding in the wings, just waiting to be accidentally discovered with a resounding OH SHIT. It didn’t matter how many times I barricaded those damn wings, disasters always managed to find a way in. Who knew disasters could be so intrepid?

My jewelry box was one such disaster and sat at #29 on my list entitled Things To Fix After I Fix Everything Else. It patiently sat there as I’d fling my bling into it willy nilly, never once complaining about my utter lack of attention or the inch of dust resting upon its lid.

One day, we got an invitation to a wedding to which I immediately responded and jotted down on our calendar and then promptly forgot about until the day of, because my organization skills took an unauthorized hiatus during June.

On the day of the wedding, I turned into a chicken and immediately severed my head and ran all about my bedroom, complaining that I had absolutely nothing to wear, which came out sounding like “Cluck Cluck Cluckity Cluckity Cluck. CLUCK!” Turns out, I did have a nifty little black outfit that still fit, provided I suck in my breath and not exhale for approximately seven hours. But I needed earrings to distract people from my eyes bulging out of my head, and a necklace to divert their attention from my blue face so I once again opened my jewelry box.

It was then that I discovered that at some point since my last visit, my complacent, benign jewelry box underwent an identity crisis and had morphed into a full-blown, bawdy bling bordello and can I just say, that is an excellent example of alliteration, if I do say so myself.

Which I just did.

Anyway, it had turned into a full-blown, bawdy bling bordello and I stared in utter shock at the huge, mangled, intertwined orgy of gold and silver necklaces writhing inside of it.

As I desperately tried to extricate one necklace and a pair of earrings from the multitudes of ménage à trois before me, #29 Organize Jewelry skyrocketed to the top of my fix-it list, demoting Organize Nate’s Meds So That He Doesn’t Accidentally Kill Himself to #2. Maybe Nate will think twice before yelling C’MON, WHO CARES, LET’S GO ALREADY fifty-two times and thereby avoid an accidental dose of an estrogen supplement.

Just sayin’.

I managed to untangle what I needed and we made it to the church on time and as I sat there in my pew, listening to the couple exchange their vows, a light bulb appeared above my head and I turned it on and lo and behold, came up with a solution.

And I was so happy that I stood up and shouted HALLELUJAH and the Heavens opened up and angels flew all around the altar and I was bathed in a beautiful warm light and God bellowed YOU’RE WELCOME and the congregation shouted a collective AMEN and I sat back down and the wedding continued without further interruption.

That might have been in my own head. I’m not sure.

The day after the wedding, I ran out to several different stores to get my supplies and then I ran home and put on some music and ate an entire Tony’s pizza and washed my hands and made this:


I call it a Bling Board. Because basically, I couldn’t think of a better name and besides, it’s bitchin’ alliteration.

Say Bling Board ten times fast.


It’s basically an artist’s canvas that I altered with paper and lots of embellies. It’s got a bunch of hooks on the bottom of it for necklaces and bracelets and, on those occasions when your youngest daughter channels a slug and refuses to walk to the laundry room, a sock or two.


It’s got a chain to hold earrings and, on those occasions when your youngest daughter channels a slug and refuses to walk to the kitchen, a lollipop stick.

I meant to take a picture of the chain but I was distracted by the color of the ribbon. I love this ribbon.  If I could, I’d type this while wearing nothing but that ribbon but then I might scare the bejesus out of someone and I don’t want the responsibility of someone’s bejesus going AWOL.

Keep track of your bejesus. You can’t just run out and buy replacement bejesus at Target, you know.

Can you?

Who’s got a Sunday flier?


There’s also a lot of pretty going on.

It’s all about the pretty.

Well, it’s all about the function, too.

The pretty function.

The functional pretty.


You know what I mean.


Here it is in action. And of course, it’s in action in Zoe’s room because nothing is sacred in my house and I can call nothing my own anymore. Who cares that my jewelry box is riddled with sexual shenanigans the likes of which I’ve never seen before?

Nobody apparently.

But to be honest, it does look better in Zoe’s room than our room. Probably because she has plants in her room – you can just barely see the tip of one in this photo.

I don’t have plants in our room or the rest of the house. This is because I no longer have thumbs. They were so black, they rotted off.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that this bling board wouldn’t have meshed with our distinctive bedroom color scheme.

Then again, nothing meshes with Seasick Cookie Monster.

The next bling board I make, I’ll make sure it coordinates with Seasick Cookie Monster or my name isn’t Gert.

My name isn’t Gert.

Remind me to ask Nate to paint our bedroom.


Here’s a closer view.


And another closer view. See how well it goes with her walls?

I love her walls. They remind me of melted chocolate.

I’d lick them if I didn’t think someone would arrest me. Or look at me funny.

People look at me funny as a matter of instinct. I rather not give them an actual reason.

Now I must review my list and refresh my memory as to what needs to be organized next.

I’m thinking that as soon as Seasick Cookie Monster bites the dust, there will be no more fears of accidental female hormone ingestion by those family members sporting a y chromosome.


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183 thoughts on “Apparently, my bling likes to swing”

  1. Avatar

    And I fall over giggling once again. And wow, I might even wear jewelry if I had a bawdy bling board (hmm, did you notice that “board” is “broad” spelled sideways? No wonder bordellos are blowzing through your bling!).

  2. Avatar

    I have never thought of my neck chains as having an orgy or ménage à trois, but that describes it SO perfectly!! 🙂
    Love your bling board. My system is no-where near as decorative – but at least it remains in my room!!

  3. Avatar

    Well that is truly inspired. I love it and now I’m going to make one the same and I don’t care if I’m a copy-cat. My brain is going 100 k’s and hour. Now to work out what colour will go with the double bed sheets masquerading as curtains for the last 10 years.

  4. Avatar

    ROTFLMAO! TOO FUNNY! I will definitely never look at my jewelry the same again. I will always be wondering, what they are up to.
    Cute board, another thing you should think about selling. You have a lot of great ideas Andrea, that are perfect for an online website! Hint, hint!

  5. Avatar

    I don’t think I ever laughed so hard at someones blog! You are too funny and a very creative writer, not to mention a creative person, love that bling board!

  6. Avatar

    Ok, when you make yourself your next bling board. Make two. Then have a give away. And give it to me. Because I want one. And I need one.

    I never wear jewelery because I refuse to open the drawer that contains them. I’m afraid. If I open, they may come out. And strangle me in pretty sparkly ways because I’ve ignored them for so long.

    So, get busy. Make two. Have a give away. But don’t tell anyone else except me. Then will pick me.

    Got it??

  7. Avatar

    I love the bling board. I need to make one of those too though most of the jewelry I have I can wear at one time. Love the wall color too- I wish I was as daring to go dark with my walls!

  8. Avatar

    Cute board, another thing you should think about selling. You have a lot of great ideas Andrea, that are perfect for an online website! Hint, hint!

    LOVE it!! and see?? You SHOULD open shop!

  9. Avatar

    ROFL, you are too funny! Have you ever thought of publishing a book or having a column in a magazine? I’d buy it, even if they had to ship my monthly issues overseas each month! I love the blig noard, what a fantastic idea! My jewelry is at contant war too, this might be a lifesaver for them if I ever find time to make one of these! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

  10. Avatar

    LMAO you are too funny. Love the board to hand the jewelry. I may have to try this myself. Thanks for my first laugh of the day.

  11. Avatar

    I have finally figured out my problem. I am missing my bejesus!!! It must have been scared out of me at some point and its absence is the answer to every problem I have had since. As to your bling board, I love it. I, too, have a bling board. Well, it is really a bling board attached to a bling door but that is a post for my blog (hmmm…idea there) Now I know what to blog about today. Come on over and check it out in about 10 hours, okay?

  12. Avatar

    Fab idea.

    You’ve probably told me before, but I was trying to remember what number on your list the “Get Octamom’s junk drawer, laundry room, garage and master closet organized” is. I was hoping to get it on the calendar.

    I’ve found your long-lost humor twin around the corner from me–I’m sending her over to your blog so that the two of you can make magic snarky together–look for a user name of skiertx or something like that–I’m pretty sure y’all are long lost relatives….


  13. Avatar

    I love it! Is there no end to your talents? Very funny.

    I too just hate it to death when necklaces get tangled. I think I spent half my childhood untangling gold chains & ripping then in half out of frustration.

  14. Avatar

    Oh hell. I don’t need another project to do, but I MUST make myself a Bling Board. I have a small bling bordello resting on my bathroom counter, and I have wondered for years what a good solution would be. This is the obvious choice. Of course, I will have to Mod Podge and polyurethane the heck out of mine because it must be stationed in our steamy bathroom, but other than that, I would make no changes to your brilliant bling board bordello buster.

  15. Avatar

    LOL…you are too much, girl! I do love that bling board, though. That is one awesome idea and one that I must lift one day as my jewelry is in a similar predicament! I guess I’ll put that on my list…LOL!

  16. Avatar

    That is soooo cute. I may have to make some of these as christmas gifts next year!! And I will have to see if My hubby can locate my Bejeezus! I really think that is what my problem is!!

  17. Avatar

    I love that your jewelry had an orgy! The project is too spanky, well, if you’re into that sorta thing. And some of these ladies apparently are not bc they are visiting from SITS and that sounds like a rescue group or something. 😉
    In fact, I’d like to be clued in, cause I hate walking around clueless with grey hair that people just think I’m now a blonde instead of a redhead! Which I once was I tell you! Thanks for the laughs! I NEEDED them muchly today.

  18. Avatar

    And you have the gall to say you’re not a crafty person??!! That is such a clever concept and it’s beautiful too!!!!

    Good God, I love your blog!!! I always get a huge laugh every time I read it!!!

  19. Avatar

    Pure genius! It’s pretty and functional and I’ll bet you wear your jewelry a lot more now that you can actually see it.

    I collect ‘Old Lady Bling’ meaning vintage rhinestone pieces. I want to make a shadow box to display them in. I’d love to do something similar to what you’ve done but I think I’m supposed to protect the stones from UV light.

    In any case, I love the idea of displaying jewelry out in the open.

  20. Avatar

    Wow! And I thought I ran a G rated house, or at best PG on some days, or X when the kid is spending the night at a friends house…never mind. Not going there. Anyway, now I see that there are all kinds of shenanigans going on in my jewelry box that need to be stopped! No hanky-panky going on in this house unless…again, never mind.

    What a great organizing idea. Must make one. Immediately.

  21. Avatar

    I just ruined a really dramatic moment in our current Netflix rental because I was laughing like a dork.

    This is great. Crafty and organizational. LOVE IT!

    (And I’ll be sure to stock up on back-up bejesus, as I will be returning to your blog very soon!)

  22. Avatar

    That’s a beautiful board and a funny story. I was right there with you every step of the way. Except I have about one creative bone in my body and it agrees to let me use it about once a year. Good for you for finding such a great answer to the bordello prob!

    And thanks for sharing on BPOTW!

  23. Avatar

    OMG laughing my ass off and running out to buy the makings too! I might put velvet or something for pins and brooches to pin into. Seems I have a lot of them and not much else. Hmmmm must rectify. Hiya from a sits girl! Laura

  24. Avatar

    Hilarious! And I love that bling board. Have to make one. Problem is The Little Miss will want every item on it if it is on display like this..Maybe inside the cupboard?

  25. Avatar

    Ha! What a great story. I’ve been in the position of untangling earrings, necklaces, etc in the heat of the moment. I just might attempt to make my own. Also, I love how in the end you didn’t even get to enjoy it. Too funny.

  26. Avatar

    I giggled all the way through this post. I sooooo need to make one of these boards for all my bling. I’ve got entirely way to much bling and there is a lot of shinanigan’s going on in my jewlery box right now.

  27. Avatar

    Loved it. Loved it. Loved it!!! I want a bling board. I don’t exactly know what color seasick cookie monster is, but I need one that goes with Seasick SpongeBob.

  28. Avatar

    Geez! What kind of whore house are you running over there?!?! You are my kind of funny!
    That board is fantastic! Great job!

    *FWIW, I’d lick the walls, too. But then again, I believe I ate paint chips when I was a child.


  29. Avatar

    OMG, you are freakin hilarious! And I totally stealing your idea, too! I think I have a canvas at home…thanks for the idea! I’ll be sure to send others your way!

  30. Avatar

    Gorgeous bling board! I’m totally stealing this idea! What about a place to put rings though? Maybe some cones at the top? I think that might take away from the gorgeous board. Ah, I’ll think of something!
    Happy SITS day!

  31. Avatar

    Absolutely amazing! But where’s the tutorial?? Because I HAVE to make one now…but I want to make sure I’m doing it right!

    Wonderful blog…love your creativity and spunk!
    Happy SITS day =)

  32. Avatar

    I was just wondering what to do with our “spare” bedroom – calling it a “Seasick Cookie Monster” theme is so much quicker and easier than actually cleaning it.

    This post cracks me up – and I’m not crafty in the least.

  33. Avatar

    Love that Bling board, very creative! And yes, I’d like that chocolate room too, hehe. Congrats on your SITS day girl! Off to snoop through some other posts.

    Jamie 🙂

  34. Avatar

    Happy SITs Day! You are all over the blogging world. It’s no wonder with all your hilariosity (new word). I hope things have cooled off in your jewelry drawer.

  35. Avatar


    – Slay me
    – Impress me
    – Make me sickly envious
    – Inspire me to try what you did
    – Have me in your writing grips. I will be back.

    Joy, who is done sucking up now

    {p.s. Congrats on your SITS feature!}

  36. Avatar

    That was hillarious! Thanks for the laugh. I love the bling board, you should post “how to” instructions once your list of things to fix gets a little shorter. Definitely not before you organize the meds though!

  37. Avatar

    For the record, I’m a big fan of alliteration. You had me at bawdy bling bordello. I love your solution, it’s inspired. Unfortunately my crappy jewelry is not fit to see the light of day, but the bling board would make a sweet gift for someone else.

  38. Avatar

    I officially heart you in your face, especially for the paragraphs where you turned into a chicken and the heavens opened and God said “You’re welcome!” I can’t remember when I’ve read a funnier post, or seen such a bitchin’ craft. I have to buy more earrings to do the one I’ma gonna make justice! I’d blather stalker-speak at you awhile longer, but I hav’ta go follow you now and then read your other posts! You rock! 🙂

  39. Avatar

    Very cute. I had something similar when I was a kid – but it was more like just a board with hooks on the front … nothing as spectacular as what you made here. They work nicely though so way to get this issue off your to-do list!

  40. Avatar

    Oh my gosh – fabulous!

    And that WAS a great example of alliteration. This is coming from an English teacher who appreciates that kind of thing 😉

  41. Avatar

    I so need one of these boards. My Hubs has untangled my jewelery box several times. He has a vested interest after all he did buy all of my jewelery.

    Happy SITS Day

  42. Avatar

    bwahahahaaha… you crack me up – now I’m going to snoops around until I can find out exactly what color “sick cookie monster” is!

    I thought I was so witty when I built shelves into my closet and pounded in enough nails to hang my necklaces/bracelets on… now I’m thinking that it’s not nearly cute enough – what will hubby say? eh, who cares – gotta go find some supplies!

  43. Avatar

    I am so glad that you washed your hands after you ate an entire Tony’s pizza! I love Tony’s pizza! mmmm. I had a hard time focusing on the rest of the post after you mentioned it.

    anyway, very clever bling storage!!!

  44. Avatar

    Hi, here from SITS and wowee!! I can’t make one because apparently the only thing I’m talented at is wiping shit from tiny bums…but I bet you could earn some money making those for people. Maybe you should start an Etsy account…maybe you already have one…regardless, what a gift you have!!

  45. Avatar

    that was super funny. thanks for a good laugh – and thanks for reminding me that I need to organize my bling. that was a totally sarcastic thanks, since I have nothing better to do, right. At least you gave a good idea for what to do with it all. However, I, too, have a hideously colored bedroom (I think it’s seasick oscar the grouch), so I have to repaint first. Or have my husband do it. You know, same same.

  46. Avatar

    Canvas?….check, was hiding in back of craft closet.
    Pretty-sit-around-naked-in-ribbon?….check, but it might be tangled from Valentine’s with the hubby.
    Hooks?….check, stole those out of hubby’s garage (shhhhh).
    Chain?….check, had to break something for it, though.
    Paper?….check, wait….How the heck did you pick those patterns and colors of paper and hope for a match for Seasick Cookie Monster? I think you were subconsciously making it for your daughter to end up with your jewelry, so the hubby would buy you some NEW stuff!!!!

    Happy SITS day! You crack me up!

  47. Avatar

    OMG That is soooo awesome! I LOVE your bling board idea. I might have to steal it… or borrow it for a short time. Did you ever get to make one for yourself to coordinate with your room?

    And where did you get those flower thingies you hung the chain off of? I want some 🙂

    GREAT blog… love it!

  48. Avatar

    I LOVE your bling board! It’s so pretty. And simple. And useful. What an awesome idea. Thank God for his ideas! And the Angels that bring them to us =)

    You are one funny gal! I really enjoyed this post.

    And if you want to sit around wrapped in ribbon, I say GO FOR IT! Let others worry about their bejesus =)

  49. Avatar

    Oh.My.God. You are too funny! Bet you hear that often since you also get those funny looks as a matter of course.

    That is a really nice board. Pretty.
    You know what I use? A cork board with boring old push pins. And the edges of this wire wall shelf which is next to my bathroom sink, and a couple of old jewelry boxes…..and the counter top…….and……the floor.

    Happy SITS!

  50. Avatar

    VERY cool! I think I need one. But I also need on to hold my big chunky bracelets. And stuff. And I need someone to organize them for me each time I take them off. Can you sell me someone to do that, too? 🙂

  51. Avatar

    love it, love it, love it! and love how you got the idea in the middle of a wedding by obsessing over your jewelry love triangle. i’m an obsessor (obsesser?) too and the best ideas come to me in the middle of everyone else’s life-moments!!!

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  57. Avatar

    SSSOOOOO FUNNY. I love your sense of humor! I also love the bling board…this will help me get all my jewlery up off my counter/dresser and up where there would be wasted space anyway. Great inspiration. Thanks!

  58. Avatar

    Andy, I loved what you did here. I was looking for ways to organize jewelry and yours really appealed to me ! It looks beautiful as well .. .I have a home made jewelry organizer too but it is much more simpler . It is a few zip locks stored in various ways 🙂 depending upon the kind of space I have at that time:)

    I have mentioned your beautiful artwork in my blog . You can check it out if you like 🙂

    Great work!

    1. Avatar

      Thank you! I just tried to leave you a comment on that blog post but it won’t take? I keep clicking “save comment” but nothing happens. 🙁

      1. Avatar

        Thanks so much Andy! I did not expect you to be that fast Ha Ha 🙂 . Anyways , I feel so pleased that you wanted to leave a comment there and sorry for your inconvenience ! I just tested and I am able to post comments. May be you didn’t enter the captcha code [the text as you see in the box] before clicking save ? That’s when it won’t save the comment. I have that functionality to prevent spam 🙂

        Thanks again !


  59. Avatar

    I am looking for a way to organize my jewelry, makeup, and pretty much my whole room. If I had this creative gift like you I would make more and sell them. This looks like something I would buy.

  60. Avatar

    Um, I just came here to read about your bling board, but then I choked on my pico degallo because I was laughing so hard, spit milk out my nose when I thought I was done laughing, but wasn’t, and bruised my tailbone from rolling on the floor. Thank you, for being so geniusly hilarious and creatively creative at the same time. Brilliant.

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