Are you allowed to issue an Amber Alert for your waist?

There were several moments in San Francisco when I thought that I had died and gone straight up to the pearly gates and they actually opened for me without bribes or coercion or a WHO ARE YOU AGAIN accompanied by a DNA swab and eyeball scan.

Like when I saw the Golden Gate Bridge.

Or when I stepped foot into the Harry Mason shop.

Or when, after walking four years up hill to get to the top of Coit Tower I spotted, through my hysterical tears, a bus parked outside the tower and realized that we weren’t going to have to finagle me a pair of prosthetic legs out of twigs and tree bark and then hire a sherpa to get us back down to civilization.

And then … there was the moment I first laid eyes on this in Ghirardelli Square:

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Kara’s Cupcakes. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

If you asked me to describe this place in three words, I’d cry and run in circles for five minutes and then hide under my bed in a fetal position because being put on the spot makes me channel my inner two year old. I’d drag Nate over here to tell you that I speak the God’s honest truth but I can’t because he asked me an hour ago what I was going to do with the rest of my life and now I’m too dizzy to crawl out from under here and go find him and besides, I DON’T WANNA AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME SO THERE.

But if you gave me a day or so to think about it, I’d come up with “Bye Bye Waist” but only because “Multiple Simultaneous Orgasms” is way too naughty for this blog.

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Just look at them. I tried to concoct a plan to distract the employee so that I could crawl into the case and shove all of them in my purse or down my throat but Helena refused to stand outside and yell HELP! ANGELINA AND BRAD JUST TRIED TO ADOPT ME because apparently she didn’t want to make a spectacle of herself. I was all “Helena, you make a spectacle of yourself all the time at home, what’s the problem?” and she was all “But Mom, that’s at home and besides, I know you’ll always love me unconditionally, no matter what I do” and I was all “That’s true, as long as you do as I say, so start screaming” and she was all “But what if I get arrested? Or Brangelina sues me?” and I was all “Who cares? It’s cupcakes.”

But she wouldn’t go for it.

So we paid $3.25 per cupcake.

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They were really good. Totally worth the $3.25. And even bail and a few attorney’s fees, I think.

And then, in Monterey, we came across the Eighth Wonder of the World:

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Nestle Toll House Cafe.

Excuse me while I pass out from sheer ecstasy.

When I looked up and saw this sign, angels zoomed around my head on green polka dotted Segways and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir belted out Hallelujah while wearing Speedos and riding plaid hippos down the sidewalk.

Sometimes my hunger-induced hallucinations freak me out.

Nevertheless, I told Nate to just leave me be and go on about his business and come back for me in about eight years so that I could become morbidly obese without distraction.

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Have you ever seen anything so obscenely decadent in your life?

I had one of everything.

Twice.

Then we walked down Cannery Row a bit and came across the Candy Factory, otherwise known as Nirvana.

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We almost lost Helena in the Butterfinger barrel –  she dove in and tried to eat her way to the earth’s core. Luckily, Nate hates candy so he had not slipped into a sugar-induced coma and was alert enough to yank Helena out by her ankles.

I would have totally been there if I hadn’t been distracted by the Milky Way barrel.

I’d say like mother, like daughter but that wouldn’t paint a very flattering picture of me, now would it? So I won’t.

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I don’t think it will come as any surprise that our luggage wasn’t the only thing that weighed more on the trip back.

But at least the airline didn’t charge me for the extra chin.

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26 thoughts on “Are you allowed to issue an Amber Alert for your waist?”

  1. I have to agree with Barb. Damn good thing I’ve never visited either. I’m not sure they’d get me out of the Milky Way Barrel to come home.

  2. Don’t give the airlines any ideas please. They will weigh us when we leave and then weigh us again when we come back and charge for that extra chin indeed. Cheaper to mail all those yummy goodies back home to greet us. Would you still eat it when you open the box and all the chocolate has melted from the heat and is mushed together with the wrappers….what am I asking? Of course you would.

  3. Wow, I would’ve been helpless before all those sweets! I would hope all the walking canceled out the sweets consumption, but that’s in an ideal world, right?!

    We have a place here that makes cupcakes like that, but they don’t charge $3.25. You can get a hamburger and fries for that here. I’d rather have the cupcake, though…

  4. have to admit I just skimmed over your post today!! I’ve vowed adn declared I WILL lose this weight and it won’t help looking at yummies!!

  5. No jury would have convicted you if you’d stolen those cupcakes. Golly geezy they look SOOOO good. And me without my oven, can’t even make any. Ugh.

  6. Oh dear God you are killing me! And I just started my diet this morning! You went to Monterey too? I was born & raised in N Monterey county. You are killing me here! What I wouldn’t give to move back there. Glad you had such an awesome vacation! You REALLY needed & deserved one.

  7. Wow. That’s a lot of sugar. =)

    Have you noticed that the cupcake picture is really cool because of those spirals on the icing, and when you scroll up and down in place it looks like the cupcakes are growing?? Now THAT’s some marketing ploy!!!

  8. mmmmmmm…. cookies……

    mmmmmm… cupcakes …….

    mmmmm…… candy ………

    (my pathetic attempt at channeling Homer Simpson)

  9. @aud DO check out Charles Chocolates – Chuck Siegel, the owner, was one of my DH’s roomies in college – in photography school actually! Stan says he was always making chocolate stuff (nice roomie to have, huh?) and finally made it big! If the stuff he was making in college was any indication, you’re in for a treat!

  10. Stopping by from SITS to say Hiya!

    I’m making a mental note to NEVER visit San Francisco! I’m scared at what I might do in a store filled with that much sugar…..Crazed Redhead Loose In California.

  11. San Fran is the best, especially for food. Hey, SITs sent me over and I’m glad they did! Got a Great Giveaway going on ’til Thursday night…please stop by!

  12. OMGOSH! I would be in heaven too! I would love to shop at the cupcake shop, and the candy shop, and the cookie shop and….ok, that was all of them!

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