Better late than never? Maybe?

Several weeks ago, I was tagged by the wonderfully talented Denine Zielinski. And because I am me, I immediately wrote myself a pink fluorescent note to remind myself to answer the tag questions as expeditiously as possible and then I promptly lost the note amidst the 5,742 other pieces of paper floating around my desk and on the floor around my feet.

And then the other day, when I could no longer see my feet for all of the crap on the floor of my office, I yelled at anyone who would listen that I was going to throw away every single piece of crap in my immediate vicinity if the rightful owners did not hence forth come hither and retrieve said crap.

And because my family is the way they are, no one came hither to retrieve anything and I assembled all of the aforementioned crap and shoved it into a garbage bag and tossed the bag against the wall and as it went sailing through the air, it hit my printer, causing my printer to move a bit to the left, thereby revealing a little pink fluorescent note stuck to the bottom of it. I realized immediately what it was and how late I was in responding and proceeded to proclaim rather loudly “I AM SUCH A LOSER” to anyone who would listen, which was no one because no one listens to me in this house.

So Denine, if you’re reading this, I apologize for being a loser with a messy office in a house where no one listens to me.

On to the questions:

Ten years ago?

Ten years ago, I was in the throes of a divorce. We had sold our brand new house and I was living in a dinky little condo on the other side of town with my four year old daughter, Zoe. I was working as a paralegal in the foreclosure department of a downtown law firm.

I hated my job. I hated that condo. But I loved living with Zoe, just the two of us, having our own place, even if it was tiny and had been broken into a week before we moved in. It had a putridly ugly kitchen floor and a downstairs powder room with a blue toilet that didn’t come clean no matter how many hours I scrubbed it and a coat closet with no door for the first two months of living there. It also came with a landlord that could not care less and neighbors who thought nothing of careening into their driveway and narrowly missing a four year old on her tricycle. But it was all I could afford and I think we did a pretty good job of spiffing it up, considering I had no flair for spiffy at the time. Zoe’s daycare was a mile down the road, there was a beautiful playground nearby and we settled into a routine of dropping off at daycare at 6:30 am, picking up at daycare at 5:00 pm, cooking dinner, playing at the playground, taking a bath, reading stories and giving kisses goodnight.

Also ten years ago, against my better judgment and despite every fiber of my being screaming NO, NO, NO, YOU DO NOT NEED THIS HASSLE, STOP IT RIGHT NOW, I fell completely in love with a tall, dark, handsome IT guy by the name of Nate. Nate came over on weekends and we did fun things like going ice skating and to the beach and not so fun things like installing iron bars in our basement windows, replacing locks and killing spiders. He also installed a garage door opener that had been his Christmas gift to me and for the record, I consider that to be one the nicest gifts he has ever given me. Nate ensured our safety. Did I mention I had a landlord that could not have cared less?

Ten years ago, I was thirty-one years old, a single mom, in love, ending a chapter of my life and starting a new one.

Five things on today’s to-do list?

1. Finish shopping for Helena’s birthday. I’ve got nine eight year olds coming to my house next week and I need a craft which is not messy, quick and makes me look incredibly creative. I decided that is not at all possible so I have chosen hydro bracelets because they are messy and time consuming and totally cool. I will ignore the very real possibility that they will come apart and spill glitter and microscopic beads all over my house because I’m not afraid to admit that I have lost my mind.
2. Get ready for Zoe’s birthday party. Her birthday is in April and she wanted a pool party but around here, April could mean 80° and sunny or 10° and two feet of snow. So to be safe, she scheduled it for August. The fact that she scheduled it four days before Helena’s party and has invited 10+ teenagers of both sexes just shows how little she cares for my mental stability. The fact that I let her is further proof that I have no mental stability, having already lost my mind as referenced in #1 above.
3. Clean Helena’s room. This is an ongoing saga. The child is genetically incapable of keeping anything neat. She is Nate’s child, for God’s sake … where did he go wrong?
4. Do laundry. No further explanation needed. Or wanted, I’m sure.
5. Back-up my hard drive to DVDs. I have Carbonite and I also have Memeo but because I am a paranoid freak of nature who knows without a shadow of a doubt that they’re out to get me, I absolutely must have another backup plan so DVDs it is. This means I have to take a run to somewhere to buy DVDs because I have about 90 GB of stuff to back up and only two blank DVDs when I used to have eighteen which makes me suspicious that Helena has been busy pilfering my office for shiny things again. So now I’m going to have to get dressed. Which means I have to take a shower. Which means I have to move from my computer chair. Nothing is ever easy, is it?

A snack that I enjoy?

Garlic bean dip. Surprising, isn’t it? Especially coming from someone who thinks hot fudge is a condiment and who will go to any lengths to avoid healthy food, including running out of the house naked and screaming if someone places steamed broccoli anywhere near her nasal passages.

But whip out a food processor and throw in some cannellini beans, extra virgin olive oil, feta cheese, parsley, three or four garlic cloves, lemon juice, and pepper, grind the hell out of it and give me a spoon. I will follow you to the ends of the Earth. I’ll even willingly read a map and give you directions to get there, that’s how much I love this stuff. I’d kiss you too but you’d probably pass out from my breath and get into an accident on your way to the ends of the Earth and then where would we be?

Things I would do if I were a millionaire?

Did you know that we have a subscription to the lottery? I didn’t even know you could do such a thing, but Nate scoured the Internet when I wasn’t looking and signed us up. Now, we can just sit in the comfort of our living room, open the window and simply toss out wads of money while watching LOST and sipping a lemonade, that’s how easy this subscription has made it for us.

I don’t like the lottery and every time I see a subscription renewal notice, I just look at Nate with my “no, no, no, no, no” face and he looks at me with his “you gotta be in it to win it” face and I stomp out of the room.

And if we ever do win, I will feel incredibly guilty that we didn’t exert one iota of effort to do so other than clicking “submit.” I will be wracked with this guilt right up until I tell my chauffeur to bring around my limo speedy quick … the black stretch one, not the white SUV one … because I’m late for my personal jet … the Learjet, not the Boeing … that is fueled up and waiting at my personal airport … the one on this side of town, not my other one … to whisk me off to the spa located in the casino I just purchased in the country I now own. The big country up there, not the little one over there. Pay attention.

Places I have lived?

I could take the easy way out and just say New York State. Or I could get all bogged down in the details of the many, many places I have lived within New York State. If I choose the latter, I’d feel compelled to explain various answers like “with a monumental asshole in the middle of nowhere” and “in my car” and then this post would become epic. So I think I’ll just leave it at New York State and then we can all get on with our day. You’re welcome.

So, there you have it Denine! Probably not worth waiting for but I always keep my commitments, even if it takes me upwards of an eternity to do so. Just call me Miss Conscientious.