Can’t Anderson Cooper moonlight as my Frigidaire Repair Man?

The refrigerator repair man just left. He was as nice as can be and appropriately dressed and never even bent over, thus there was no need on my part to worry about potential “coin slot” sightings. The gallon of eye bleach I had on hand turned out to be unnecessary.

And thanks to him, we can now get ice out of our ice dispenser without fear of losing an eye from a rogue ice cube that comes whipping out of the damn thing at the speed of light.

Our Frigidaire fridge is not even two years old yet and as of a week ago, it had behaved itself but because Nate and I knew all too well that, much like children on the brink of adolescence, it’s only a matter of time before an appliance gets a burr up it ass and shouts NO, I DON’T WANT TO. MAKE ME, we purchased an extended warranty on it. We did this with all of our appliances when we remodeled our kitchen, figuring that if we were going to pay an arm and leg for them, we might as well throw in a couple of toes to ensure that the appliances did what we paid for them to do.

So, when our refrigerator water dispenser lever broke off, Nate made a big production of collecting all of the warranty paperwork and spreading it neatly, at right angles and with terrific symmetry, on the counter right next to the phone, which is his passive aggressive way of telling me that it’s my duty to call the warranty company, since he exerted so much effort in making it as convenient as possible. And when I asked him why he couldn’t make the call himself because last I knew, he had fingers and a larynx, he told me that I was so much better at these things.

I looked down at my stomach and lo and behold, there was no umbilical cord attached to it. Then I realized that it wasn’t yesterday. After almost ten years of marriage, I was on to Nate immediately. When he tells me that I’m so much better at something than he, what he really means is that he’s going to Dinosaur Barbecue for lunch with some vendors and can’t be bothered with something as mundane as a broken whatever unless the broken whatever physically prevents him from going to Dinosaur Barbecue with vendors.

I want vendors. With big, fat expense accounts. You know what … I’ll just take the big, fat expense account and to hell with the middle man.

No one is treating me to Dinosaur Barbecue and let me tell you, slapping some Sensuous Slathering Sauce on my meat and beating it myself doesn’t even come close to the same thing.

And now I’ll just sit back and watch how many weirdos visit my site because it came up in a google search for PORN IS US.

I called the extended warranty company and informed them of our situation and the woman on the other end of the line informed me that the broken lever constituted physical damage and physical damage was not covered under our warranty so sure, they’d be happy to fix my lever to the tune of $200 and thank you very much.

And I replied that we paid for the extended service plan for this very reason and I want what we paid for and I had no intention of paying $200 to get the lever fixed unless Anderson Cooper came over to fix it in person and cooked me dinner afterwards.

And she put me on hold and came back and told me that she doesn’t know any Anderson Cooper and the broken lever constituted physical damage and physical damage was not covered under our warranty so sure, they’d be happy to fix my lever to the tune of $200 and thank you very much.

And I replied that who the hell doesn’t know Anderson Cooper and that the lever had been pushed a minimum of one trillion times in the past two years which undoubtedly resulted in it breaking off which, by definition, constituted wear and tear.

She wasn’t impressed.

Please. I can’t take anyone who doesn’t know Anderson Cooper seriously.

The bell rang and we came out of our corners and went a couple of rounds and I tried in vain to explain the difference between physical damage and wear and tear.

Wear and tear is bearing witness to my kids’ perpetual smackdown starting on January 1, complete with a running soundtrack of STOP IT, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME, YOU’RE A BRAT, STAY OUT OF MY ROOM, GET LOST in surround sound, causing my eyes to roll back into my head an average of thirteen times a day, which then jams my stressed-out brain against my skull at least once a week, causing the vein in my forehead to pulse grotesquely 24/7, culminating with my head exploding all over the couch on New Year’s Eve.

Physical damage is my kids using my ears as walkie talkies at 10:00 a.m., so that they can shriek STOP IT, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME, YOU’RE A BRAT, STAY OUT OF MY ROOM, GET LOST at each other at decibel level 322, resulting in a massive brain aneurysm and my head exploding all over the couch at 10:02 a.m.

See the difference?

She didn’t.

And either did her supervisor.

Luckily, his supervisor did. That may have had something to do with all the yelling and shouting and general FOR GOD’S SAKE, THIS IS WHAT I GAVE MY TOES FOR? IS YOUR MOTHER PROUD OF YOU? PUT HER ON THE PHONE, I WANT TO TELL HER WHAT KIND OF AN ASSHAT YOU TURNED OUT TO BE spewing out of my mouth.

Not really!

But kind of.

My kids were horrified that I yelled at someone other than themselves. Or maybe that was relief I saw plastered all over their bugged out eyes and slack jawed mouths? When they come to, I’ll ask them.

The repair company received a call from the warranty company and thereafter called me in awe, wanting to know how in the world I had managed to get the warranty company to pay for this particular repair when claims by many others had been rejected?

And I told them that all it takes is a little persuasion. Persuasion can come in all different forms, from a simple “please” to a “maybe I should speak to my lawyer” all the way up to a flowchart detailing the exact method by which someone could shit their lung through a second asshole, if one were to become immediately available.

Not that I threatened anything remotely like that.

1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th … 5th? That one looks nifty. I’ll take it. Thank you.

I’m not, by nature, a confrontational person. I try to avoid stuff that makes my intestines bunch up, things like conflict and tarantulas and Gorgonzola cheese.

God, I miss Gorgonzola cheese.

It’s just that I’m so sick to death of shoddy craftsmanship and dirt poor customer service.

If I wanted crap, I would have paid for crap. I have no problem paying for crap, provided #1) I know it’s crap up front; and #2) I’m strung out on meth.

Otherwise, money’s tight so if I’m going to hand it over to someone, I had better get something worthwhile in return and it better not have a smidgen of crap in it, on it or around it. Otherwise, I’m not bending over and grabbing my ankles for anyone because I’ll need both hands to call everyone and their mother, giving all of them a piece of my mind until I’m fresh out. Of my mind, that is.

Had Nate made this call, we’d be $200 poorer right now and I’d be pitching a hissy in our living room. And he knows it. Which is the real reason he lines up forms so symmetrically on the kitchen counter for me.

Well, that and Big Ass Pork Plates.

Do you embrace confrontation? Or do you run screaming in the opposite direction?

Do you think Anderson Cooper even has a tool belt?

.

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103 thoughts on “Can’t Anderson Cooper moonlight as my Frigidaire Repair Man?”

  1. You gotta stop making me bust out laughing in the middle of the night, thereby threatening to wake up the child, who slumbereth ever so little…

    I’m not EVEN going to get into the tool discussion. And well *should* your blog pop up in the P-dimension. And did you know that a comment of mine showed up in a Google search? I gotsta watch what I say… 😉

    Oh, and confrontation?? I need to hire you. Big time.

  2. I too have a not-so-secret crush on Anderson Cooper.

    Although if he were my refridgerator repairman, I’m afraid I’d be taking a hatchet to the cooler at least once a week, so they’d soon be on to me.

    Love the blog.. first time here. 🙂

  3. Can I call you next time I receive bad service?

    I just assume they are doing their best and aren’t trying to screw me and blame myself. I need to stop and remember that they don’t care about me. They care about the bottom line. And a little pushing is necessary.

    Yeah. I don’t like confrontation much!

  4. I Absoutley LOVE ur blog. You are witty, funny and basically crack me up, Anyone that can make me laugh is good!! love the way you write, if you had a book i would buy it and flog it to others, But, I have to ask.. who the hell is Anderson Cooper?? and no im not Joking! I’m an aussie( and so very proud to be) but have NO idea who Anderson is!! I know you dont answer every comment but if you do read this ( you are aren’t you? are you nodding ur head?? ) please please please tel me who this person is..

    love ya blog!! YOU rock!!!!

  5. Um, hate to break this to you, but Anderson Cooper is GAY. Very gay. He could probably make you a great dinner, but he wouldn’t supply the dessert, know what I mean?!

  6. Your blog is something I look forward to to make me smile on days I don’t want to. Glad things worked out with the fridge and I HATE calling companies about problems with their items.

  7. rotflol!! You know I HATE confrontation! I tend to build it up and then it explodes like a stopped up pressure cooker!! Last time I did this unfortunately it was in front of the kids who immediately became silent, mouths open in horror, followed by a dash for the nearest dictionary hoping to look up the numerous “foreign” words that came spewing out of my mouth! Unfortunately for some reason when I do this I end up somehow paying triple for whatever it was……sigh

  8. I think I need you to call my home warranty company.
    It sucks to have a broken appliance that should be covered and have them give you a hard time about living up to their end of the bargain. So glad you were able to get them to fix it.

  9. OK – as you know, I typically don’t answer comments here for a variety of reasons I once posted about, but when it comes to Anderson Cooper, I make an exception.

    @Chelle: you poor, poor, misguided girl – you are missing out on one of life’s most wonderful creations. Anderson Cooper is an anchor on CNN news. And he’s mine, so don’t go getting any ideas.

    @Dee: I refuse to believe the rumors. REFUSE. And even if they’re true, I don’t care. To paraphrase Jerry McGuire’s fiancee, if I can chase a 300 pound nasty shoplifter through the mall while wearing high heels … I can make THIS work.

  10. Just think, if you hadn’t had the cholesterol police after you this past week, maybe you wouldn’t have ripped them a new one! So something good has come out of it.

    Saw Anderson on Sesame Street the other morning giving a news report out of Oscar’s can, and he looked good. Who gives a crap about the rumors…

  11. LOVE LOVE LOVE This post. Anderson Cooper in a tool belt?! Be still my heart. Sigh.

    I love using the phrase, “maybe I should call my lawyer?” It makes people do so much more for you 😉

  12. The system at our house is that I will make the initial calls as long as I think there’s a reasonable chance that I can charm the CSR over to my way of thinking. I am fantastic at getting action via email, as well. However, if things go south and the CSR is not listening, then rather than have an aneurysm, I will get my husband to call back and insist on action. First, though, I rant and rave and plant all of the key phrases in his mind, like, “if we wanted scratch and dent, we’d have paid for scratch and dent” (that one was from last week’s adventures in having a new hot water heater delivered and installed, and netted us a $75 rebate on the total cost because they put a couple of dents in the thing while hauling it down the 4 measly steps to our basement on a 2-wheeler). DH is the bulldog who knows how to be firm and just keep saying, “let me speak to your manager, then,” until he gets results. When I try that stuff, it never works for me!

  13. You are so funny with your posts! I have to be the one to deal with the repair people because like yours, my husband would have cost us the $200 too!

  14. LOL! Asshat? Oh, I love the way you yell at those people. Pray, don’t ever let it be me!

    I abhor confrontation. Ick. I just don’t trust myself with it. I’m much better with a cool head. I make a big effort these days, since the day I yelled at a condescending, insulting, customer service lady, “GO TO HELL!”, and actually threw my phone across the room. I’m not a thrower, so that scared me. Scared my husband, too. Now I just avoid everybody & the world is the better for it.

  15. I do believe that if AC were to come to my house to fix the fridge, I would definitely pay $200.00. I think all women are cornswaggled into taking care of “these things”. ARG!
    And you must stop making me laugh so hard, I literally had coffee come out my nose! Not funny! OK! So it is!

  16. Anderson Cooper probably does not have a tool belt, although I could totally see him shirtless in a pair of blue jeans, work boots and a toolbelt sagging somewhere around his pubic bone!

  17. Good job! I’ve made people cry before because I chewed them out for bad customer service, so I totally am in your court. Stand up for your rights! It’s surprising what happens when you pass the “asshat” around…

    BTW — i’ve never heard a GIRL say that before. Impressive!

  18. I agree with a few others here, that AC uses his “tools” on other people with similar “tools”. Sorry!

    I am impressed that you persuaded the warranty company. I’ve tried to be aggressive in the past and never got anywhere. Mine was for the AC in the home I just purchased. The home warranty would not cover it because it broke within the first month. Argh!

  19. Okay, exactly how many Heathers comment on your blog, anyhow? 🙂

    I’m with you on A. Coop – I don’t care what team he’s on as long as I can ogle him. Didja see him race Michael Phelps on 60 Minutes – or even better, did you see him subbing for Regis and talking about that with Kelly afterwards?

    Oh, and anytime you want to do lunch at Dinosaur BBQ, give me a shout. That Honey Hush Cornbread is to die for. My hubby, who is an amazing cook anyhow, once took a cooking class taught by the dudes who created Dinosaur. We use their dry rub a lot in the grillin’ season. I think to this day, that is our most frequently used cookbook.

    Mmmmm, Dinosaur pulled pork……………..

  20. Good for you! Your powers of persuasion are clearly of epic proportions.

    We NEVER buy extended warranties because there is an 88% chance you’ll never need them and a 99% chance that if you do, they won’t cover whatever it is anyway. YOU, however, managed to be in the 1% of the 12% and that’s pretty darn impressive!

  21. I don’t like confrontation. I have my husband make those calls. Hey, I do enough other stuff around the house, there has to be some stuff that he is responsible for (he does clean the bathroom really well-but that’s not enough). Some things like, I don’t know, making sure I have new wipers on my van so I can see out the windows, I don’t get why I have to be for.

    Anyway, I do get all the paperwork, information, phone numbers lined up for him. He is better at that stuff than me. He can stay positive and be buddy buddy. I start sounding like a ….something.

    Play to your strengths. It’s my strength to tell DH what he should do. OK, I’m kidding!

  22. Stopping by from SITS!! This was seriously maybe the funniest post I have EVER read!! 🙂 I kind of heart Anderson Cooper, too. And, oh my dear, I’ve totally used the “do you think your mother is really proud you turned out to be such an asshole?!” line.

  23. I also scream, shout and complain and talk to managers and supervisors etc. But please, don’t take me seriously – I have no idea who Anderson Cooper is. But then I live on the other side of the globe in time-delayed country – we have just seen the 2006 edition of the apprentice!

  24. Well, this is definately a disputable topic…my husband pulls the “your better at this stuff” bit…and sure enough pisses me the hell off…BUT guys have NO sense in getting what needs to happen into a realistic situation. I am willing to bet that you would somehow be upwards of $400 for that job, had the husband done the calling…well, at least if my husband would have done the calling..!! Love the post, and the humor!

  25. Could I get you to yell at the transportation dept at my son’s school today, cause I really don’t want to do it. Better yet, maybe Anderson Cooper could do it!

  26. Hee! Hee, hee, hee! My week has been in the crapper, and this is cheering me right up! Thank you!

    And I’m just like this. I’m calm, except DON’T INCUR MY WRATH! Go ahead and ask why I won’t EVER, EVER, EVER buy anything from or use any service from AT&T. I dare you. (Fair warning…you don’t really want to ask as then you’ll be forced to endure my 6 hour rant about their customer “service”). And don’t even get me going about my 11 year (and counting) ban of TGIF.

    And if Anderson Cooper does come fix your fridge, please let me know as I believe my fridge will immediately also have a coincidental break down.

  27. i remember anderson cooper from his channel 1 days in school. that was the “teen news” program that they would pipe in homeroom during high school.

    man he looks old now.

    and i’m in a similar argument right now with the hospital over a $25 bill. putting a splint on my husband’s finger doesn’t consistute outpatient surgery unless Dr. Clooney does it.

    and they didn’t want to talk to me they wanted to talk to him. but if they talked to him we’d be paying the $25…and i’d be pitching a fit.

    either we’re twins seperated at birth (and you got all the funny genes) or all men are alike 😛

  28. This. Was. Hysterical!!!!
    I am not confrontational, as a matter of fact, I run the other way. But there are a few times when I feel so strongly about something that I can really go at it, kind of like you did here. You go, girl!

    And how hot would it be if Anderson Cooper had a tool belt…

    Came over from SITS.

  29. I absolutely adore (not abhor) confrontation. It gets my juices flowing and the more I get “over on somebody,” the more I love it. I don’t try to take advantage, mind you, I just want what I paid for in most situations.

    Funny that we just went through the same thing with our less than two year old Maytag refrig. icemaker. They said if it was not a mechanical problem the warranty wouldn’t cover it. I said “by jove” you will cover it because there is nothing in the disclaimer about just mechanicals being covered and furthermore (don’t you just love that word) the contract I signed didn’t say anything about only replacing parts for shoddy “mechanicals.” First the repairman said it was the auger (after consulting another man by telephone),(and by the way, who came up with the word auger?), but that turned out not to be the problem, then, when the repairman came out the third time he replaced the computer chip (motherboard), (Bill Gates or whoever must have been smoking something righteous when he came up with that word) and now that the main brainframe has been replaced, it is working like a charm, for now anyways.

    We have lots in common. Love your blog. Happy SITS day as the FB.

  30. When are they gonna learn in these tenuous economic times to just suck it up and give us what we paid for? My husband went through this just the other day. He went from getting two free Big Macs on one call to free HBO for three months on another. By the end of the day he was just looking for anything to break so he could make more calls.

    Good for you and thanks for the laugh!

  31. Good for you! Customer service has gone to shit and I for one am not taking it bending over. I have a list of businesses that I will NEVER, EVER frequent again due to their lack of Customer Service.

    And I’m sharing it with the world…
    1. Papa Johns can suck it!
    2. Foot Locker can suck it!
    3. Ntelos can suck it! And choke. And die.
    4. Jiffy Lube can suck it!

    On the other hand Comcast rocks my world, and is actually a helpful group of people. That is if you get to the right person and threaten to take your $200-a-month worth of service somewhere else.

    Sorry for the highjacking.

  32. Do you offer a 12-step program to turn from a “Nate” to a “you”? I’m definitely more confrontational than my husband, but I’m better at it after I hang up the phone and have a few seconds to figure out how they just screwed me lol.
    Happy SITS day!

  33. Back in August I attended my father’s funeral. On the way to the cemetary we were following procession protocal: 10 miles an hour, lights on, all in a nice line, etc. Imagine my suprise when I recieved a traffic ticket 2 weeks later (yes, I was still in mourning thank you) that said I had ran a red light and the automatic camera had a picture…It took me 3 months, and actually going to court to get the $360 ticket dismissed. The judge literally said, “Are they joking? Why is this case even before me?” Thank Goodness ANDERSON COOPER was representing me. 🙂

  34. #1) I’m pretty sure I just pissed myself from laughing so hard.

    #2) My wonderful husband and Nate have an awful lot in commone.

    #3) I like to take pride in the fact that I have handed several asses to several people who decided acting like a douchebag was acceptable.

    #4) Again, My husband and Nate have a lot on common.

    Happy SITS day 🙂

  35. Anderson Cooper is H.O.T. and the fact that someone didn’t recognize him clearly indicates a lack of knowledge about the outside world, which results in my feeling annoyed and superior. Awesome post. I am so calling you when my apartment complex pisses me off.

  36. ROFLMAO…. this is great…love your writing….
    have a happy SITS day…
    keep up the great stories….
    oh and Anderson Cooper??? MMMMMMM……. yup yummy!!!1

  37. I hate confrontation. If it were me, I too, like your husband, would’ve paid the $200. I’m bookmarking this post. The next time I have to confront someone, I’m quoting you to the ‘T’!!

    By the way, I’m visiting from SITS!

  38. Shit their lung through a second asshole?! lmao. That’s beautiful, you would have scared the bejesus out of me were I that second supervisor, I would’ve thrown in the complimentary repair and a free cheesecake. 😉 Great post.

  39. Yay, you! THIS is why I make all the icky calls, too. My husband talks a good game, but all too often pretty boy’s out. Okay, I’m not sure about that apostrophe, but I’m sticking by it anyway! As for Anderson Cooper’s tool belt ownership, his mom was a Vanderbilt (probably no tool belt?) BUT he’s lived in all those scary war-torn countries (tool belt yes?)so it’s a crap shoot. Who care’s, as long as you can fantasize that he’s fixing your fridge wearing a tool belt, right?! 😉

  40. Thanks for a great laugh! I totally know who Anderson Cooper is … I believe he got his start in the news business ages ago on “Channel 1” that we watched each morning on the TV at school! He’s come a long way! 🙂 Glad you got your fridge fixed w/o seeing a coin slot. Wish I could say I was that lucky when my carpet was recently laid. Happy SITS day to ya!

  41. Great job. I hate crappy customer service. Anderson Cooper can come over and fix my washing machine, I would be happy to pay the 200 bucks. But only for him:)

  42. LOVE this one too! You are one of the funniest women ever! Love Anderson Cooper and I would like to imagine that he does indeed have a tool Belt!

  43. I’m not afraid of confrontation per se…but I usually can’t find the words to say what I want to say until 30 minutes after the conversation is completed. I LOVE hearing about people who can though!

  44. You are hilarous! I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Glad you could get your refridgerator fixed under warranty. Sometimes a little yelling and all gets the job done.

    And I agree – who doesn’t know who Anderson Cooper is…did this woman live under a rock?

  45. I love a good confrontation, really gets the blood pumping!
    Thanks for making me laugh so hard, today’s been somewhat stressful for me and it’s so nice to have a lighthearted moment.

  46. I think Anderson Cooper is better useful in front of the camera as an anchor person than a repair man. He can do a documentary about your fridge though w/c I think is a perk! 🙂

  47. Dee from Downunder

    hi there, came via SITS…. sounds like warranties the world over are the same, and fighting for what is right is a regular occurrance… you would think you were taking money out of thier own pockets,not the companiy, the way some people fight over this stuff.

  48. AMEN!

    I agree with you on this one. In general, I wouldn’t say I’m a confrontational person… But when I feel I am being ripped off, taken advantage of, treated as if I am an idiot, or scammed, I WILL do everything in my power to get my way.

    Even create new assholes for lung-shitting.

    😛

  49. I’m the 100th responder! Responder, is that the right word? It is EVEN a word?

    remember when Anderson Cooper was on The Mole? He was the host. I developed a thing for him back then.

    And, whoa, I used to be meek and quiet even in the face of confrontation, but then I had a baby who has autism.
    Forget about it! Do not screw with me now if you are wrong!

    ok, maybe I’m not that bad ass.
    love your blog. gonna have to follow you now.

    Jenn

  50. Wow. I’m impressed. I’m not big into confrontation, but I do get persistent. And yeah… I’m the man in the family when it comes to this stuff, too 😉 I *DO* hope that your husband at least brought you home some dinosaur meat after all that!

  51. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SO want you to come and make phone calls for me. Please? I have a phone phobia–okay, not really, but I want one because I HATE the friggin phone. You are my hero. As far as the Big Ass Pork Plates? My husband is an RN, he brings me free pens from drug companies and then rubs it in when they get FREE food from various sources. Or when he buys Chinese and I’m at home eating like soup. I hate him.

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