Category Archives for "television"

What Alton Brown is to Iron Chef, I am to Top Chef. Or, why no one in this house will watch TV with me

Awww, he’s engaged? I want him to win.

She’s adorable! And short! She should win.

What’s with all the tattoos? Is that some sort of requirement for a chef?

Zoe, you can’t be a chef. You either, Helena.

Maybe I should get a tattoo? What do you guys think? Think I should become a chef when I grow up?

What? I’m not allowed to talk?

I could never be a chef. I hate fish.

Ugh. They all choose fish! EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. What is up with that? What’s wrong with cooking up a good, old fashioned steak?

Did Richard Blais lose, like, fifty pounds? Didn’t he just have a baby? I want him to win.

What the heck is a ceviche? It always looks the same, no matter who makes it.

That’s a cool word, though. Ceviche. Makes me sounds like I know what I’m talking about, doesn’t it?

I wonder if Kohls sells those plates. They’re pretty. I love white plates. Just think how nice they’d look with dark brown walls.

We should paint our kitchen again.

OK, I don’t get this. What exactly is a tapenade? Is that with olives or prunes or something? Then how come they always talk about it on Grey’s anatomy? So, is it a food or a heart condition?

Oh! Oh! Oh! I get it! It’s both! It’s a heart attack on a plate. Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

OK, I just googled it. It’s olives. And then there’s cardiac tamponade. So, nevermind.

Why does Angelo touch everyone’s food? Why does everyone let him? I wouldn’t let him touch my food.

Dis is Top Chef! Dis is not Top Scallop! God, I love Fabio. You guys like Fabio?

Did you know he walks a turtle on a leash?

Oh my God! Are guys listening to this? SHUT UP JENNIFER. Keep your mouth shut or you’re packing your knives!

Yep! See! See guys, what happens when you’re mouthy? And did you check out her snotty body language? Doesn’t get you very far, does it?

What? Pardon me for trying to impart a life lesson upon you guys. I’ll shut up now.

Zoe, was … Helena, cover your ears … was Spike the “culinary boner” guy?

Why do so many chefs smoke? Doesn’t that ruin their palates? Wouldn’t everything taste like ashtray?

Helena, do you know the difference between a palate and a palette?

What? It’s a commercial! You’re not missing anything.

I think Tom Colicchio is handsome. I like the bald look. But only on some people. You have to have the right skull for it. D’you guys know my skull is caved in a little on top? Yep. My skull is warped because Uncle Tino hit me with a giant rock when we were young. I can’t ever go bald now. Thanks a lot, Uncle Tino.

Oh! Did you guys hear that? Tre loves his wife so much! He should win.

Geez, look how fast they use their knives. Whoa.

Oh hey, guess who friended me on Facebook?

OOOOOH, OLLIE, I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You guys, look how cute Ollie is. I WUV YOU, PUMPKINS! YES I DO! YES I DOOOOOOOOO. WHO’S MOMMY’S WITTLE BABY? Someone take him out. He needs to poop.

Is anyone else freezing?

Antonia is a single mother? Awwww. I want her to win.

Do we have any ice cream left?

Anyone else think Carla looks exactly like Beaker from The Muppets? She is just so nice. I love her. I want her to win.

Would someone mind beating the crap out of rapper-wannabe wolf boy? Thank you.

What? I am not being annoying. Says who? You don’t count.

I wonder if I had a scar like that, would I be as sexy as Padma? What do you guys think? Think I’m sexy? I can’t ask you if I’m sexy? If I can’t ask you guys who can I ask?

I want to be Padma.

Did you guys finish your homework?

Guys?

Where’d you go?

CAN’T WE SPEND A QUIET NIGHT TOGETHER AS A FAMILY ANYMORE?

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