What Alton Brown is to Iron Chef, I am to Top Chef. Or, why no one in this house will watch TV with me

Awww, he’s engaged? I want him to win.

She’s adorable! And short! She should win.

What’s with all the tattoos? Is that some sort of requirement for a chef?

Zoe, you can’t be a chef. You either, Helena.

Maybe I should get a tattoo? What do you guys think? Think I should become a chef when I grow up?

What? I’m not allowed to talk?

I could never be a chef. I hate fish.

Ugh. They all choose fish! EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. What is up with that? What’s wrong with cooking up a good, old fashioned steak?

Did Richard Blais lose, like, fifty pounds? Didn’t he just have a baby? I want him to win.

What the heck is a ceviche? It always looks the same, no matter who makes it.

That’s a cool word, though. Ceviche. Makes me sounds like I know what I’m talking about, doesn’t it?

I wonder if Kohls sells those plates. They’re pretty. I love white plates. Just think how nice they’d look with dark brown walls.

We should paint our kitchen again.

OK, I don’t get this. What exactly is a tapenade? Is that with olives or prunes or something? Then how come they always talk about it on Grey’s anatomy? So, is it a food or a heart condition?

Oh! Oh! Oh! I get it! It’s both! It’s a heart attack on a plate. Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

OK, I just googled it. It’s olives. And then there’s cardiac tamponade. So, nevermind.

Why does Angelo touch everyone’s food? Why does everyone let him? I wouldn’t let him touch my food.

Dis is Top Chef! Dis is not Top Scallop! God, I love Fabio. You guys like Fabio?

Did you know he walks a turtle on a leash?

Oh my God! Are guys listening to this? SHUT UP JENNIFER. Keep your mouth shut or you’re packing your knives!

Yep! See! See guys, what happens when you’re mouthy? And did you check out her snotty body language? Doesn’t get you very far, does it?

What? Pardon me for trying to impart a life lesson upon you guys. I’ll shut up now.

Zoe, was … Helena, cover your ears … was Spike the “culinary boner” guy?

Why do so many chefs smoke? Doesn’t that ruin their palates? Wouldn’t everything taste like ashtray?

Helena, do you know the difference between a palate and a palette?

What? It’s a commercial! You’re not missing anything.

I think Tom Colicchio is handsome. I like the bald look. But only on some people. You have to have the right skull for it. D’you guys know my skull is caved in a little on top? Yep. My skull is warped because Uncle Tino hit me with a giant rock when we were young. I can’t ever go bald now. Thanks a lot, Uncle Tino.

Oh! Did you guys hear that? Tre loves his wife so much! He should win.

Geez, look how fast they use their knives. Whoa.

Oh hey, guess who friended me on Facebook?

OOOOOH, OLLIE, I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You guys, look how cute Ollie is. I WUV YOU, PUMPKINS! YES I DO! YES I DOOOOOOOOO. WHO’S MOMMY’S WITTLE BABY? Someone take him out. He needs to poop.

Is anyone else freezing?

Antonia is a single mother? Awwww. I want her to win.

Do we have any ice cream left?

Anyone else think Carla looks exactly like Beaker from The Muppets? She is just so nice. I love her. I want her to win.

Would someone mind beating the crap out of rapper-wannabe wolf boy? Thank you.

What? I am not being annoying. Says who? You don’t count.

I wonder if I had a scar like that, would I be as sexy as Padma? What do you guys think? Think I’m sexy? I can’t ask you if I’m sexy? If I can’t ask you guys who can I ask?

I want to be Padma.

Did you guys finish your homework?

Guys?

Where’d you go?

CAN’T WE SPEND A QUIET NIGHT TOGETHER AS A FAMILY ANYMORE?

.

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14 thoughts on “What Alton Brown is to Iron Chef, I am to Top Chef. Or, why no one in this house will watch TV with me”

  1. And then there’s Anthony Bourdain. You’d think after all the disgusting things he eats on his other show, he could be a little nicer to the people who aren’t feeding him donkey dong.

  2. Bwahaha! If I still had Bravo (damn you DirecTv for rearranging your packages!) we could so watch together. This is exactly what I sound like when I watch reality TV. Used to drive my husband batty, and now I think he’s just used to it. Or it could explain why he watches a lot more TV on his laptop now with the headphones plugged in. 😀

    God forbid anyone talk during something scripted, though. I am such a PITA, I’ll rewind it eleventy billion times to hear that one line that got a little muffled. And then try with closed captioning. And then back again because the CC never lines up with the audio and if I read it and then turn the volume back on right after I miss the next line.

    As for Top Chef – are all those guys back together on one season!?! (I *hate* you, DirecTv.) They were all my favorites!! I loooooved listening to Fabio. The stuff that man said… 😀

    Totally aside, and since I’m apparently writing a novel, anyway… Did you get your book yesterday?

  3. Oh my goodness you made me laugh. Which is probably not good when I’m reading this during my lunch break. I mean, people walk by, hear me laughing for no apparent reason… probably not good. But at least I’m having fun. 🙂

    Have an Extraordinary Day!

  4. seriously funny post…I imagine that watching tv with you is fun! I think I think a lot of these things but not sure I speak them out loud…although, the other day, I saw a Target commercial where it says something about moms…and the last thing it says is “YOU ROCK”…and I said out loud…”I know”…and my son says…”what mom?” oops, I was talking to the tv!

  5. I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one with tons of random thoughts going through my head as well while watching this show! Now I know that I’m either, one, not crazy or two, we’re both slightly schizo!

    You didn’t mention Marcel and his damn foam – who wants to eat foam?!

    Thanks for another funny insight into your world!! Cheers! 🙂

  6. ROFLMAO I don’t watch it so I can’t add any commentary. but, Pato eats ceviche – or however it’s spelled. All I know if I can’t eat it – it’s got fish in it or something seafoodish – at least in Mexico. Blech. Belch and I’m allergic to it. Andy, I’d watch tv with you any day. LOL

  7. I LOVE adding my own commentary while watching any shows, however I seem to do it more frequently when I’m watching the food network. (I’m performing random acts of comments today. You were on the forum when I decided to leave some comments. Have a happy day!)

  8. ::: sigh ::: I miss Bravo. Our cable company doesn’t carry it so I’ve been without for 2 years. I miss Top Chef.

    “Maybe I should get a tattoo?” I made the idiot mistake of promising my daughter 3 years ago that when she turns 30 we would get matching tatoos. We haven’t agree what the tattoo will be or where it will be, but I’ve only got 30 more years to get her to forget that I even mentioned the idea.

    Can we be Facebook friends? That would be so cool!

    Did you see the SNL Short from Saturday’s new show? Your A.C. was featured with Pee Wee Herman. Should be on Hulu.com by now.

    Later!

  9. These are the things that run through my head while watching Top Chef too. I would say them out loud but nobody will watch with me, and I think it would be funny if I talked quite that much to myself.

    I mostly wanted to comment that Andrew was the one with the culinary boner. He was also from the Chicago season though. Kind of sad that I know that. 🙂

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