Christmas Eve is going to be awesome! I just hope I don’t kill Santa

A quickie multiple choice question for you:

It’s Christmas Eve. What am I doing right now?

  1. Standing in the middle of my kitchen, trying to determine if the white powdery substance I placed in an airtight container is baking soda, baking powder, corn starch, confectionery sugar or cocaine.
  2. All of the above

Since we typically leave a feast of desserts for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve, together with some doggy bags for the elves and the Mrs., I think it’s pretty important that I not kill him or his family or turn any of them into strung out junkies. Most importantly, I’d rather Santa not hurl all over my living room. I’ll have enough to clean up in the wee hours of the morning without adding vomit onto the list.

By the way, did I ever tell you about the Santa upon whose lap Zoe sat when she was five? She asked him what he would like her to leave him as a snack on Christmas Eve. Apparently, this Santa had had enough of indulging children and their moms so instead of answering cookies and milk or maybe a big piece of dessert like any normal, sane Santa who actually likes moms and doesn’t want them to have seizures which force their eyeballs to pop out of their sockets and roll down the entire length of the mall, he answered homemade spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and a big glass of soy milk in a blue sparkly plastic cup. Because apparently, not only was Santa batshit crazy and sadistic, he was also lactose intolerant.

As I dragged Zoe out of there in an effort to catch my eyeballs before they went bouncing into the fountain, I tried desperately to convince her that Santa was either kidding or having a senior moment and that he’d be perfectly fine with a piece of cheesecake and regular milk out of a glass and yes, he might have a little gas but that would just help make his sleigh fly faster. Zoe, who could not have cared less about Santa’s presumed intestinal woes, was all SPARKLY BLUE CUP! SPARKLY BLUE CUP! Because she was absolutely certain that if Santa did not quench his thirst from a sparkly blue cup, he would drop dead in our fireplace and then all the children in the world would be mad at her for killing Christmas. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Santa would probably stuff her stocking with a big ol’ hunk of coal before he croaked since, as all five year olds know, He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so you better get him that sparkly blue cup he asked for or CHRISTMAS WILL BE CLOAKED IN DISAPPOINTMENT AND SHATTERED DREAMS, MISSY.

Making such an elaborate, separate dinner for Santa’s snack was hard enough but searching for a sparkly blue cup was an exercise in poking my eyes out with a really dull fork because Hanukkah was over and done with and there wasn’t one sparkly blue cup left in the whole United States by that point. So that year, Santa ate his homemade spaghetti and meatballs and drank soy milk a/k/a UGH BLECH YUCK out of a plastic cup coated with a thick layer of blue glitter glue. That was also the year Mrs. Claus got a nasty letter of complaint from the northeast region, quadrant four, sector 6, advising her that she either needed to give her chubby spouse more fiber or more sex because he was in dire need of an attitude adjustment.

I’m about to call my local FBA crime lab and ask them the difference between a pantry staple and an illegal narcotic. I’ll leave you with Christmas Canon Rock from Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I saw them live last year and it was one of the best concerts I have ever experienced. I blogged about that concert HERE if you’re bored with absolutely nothing to do, in which case, can I be you?

Merry Christmas, everyone! May your stockings and stomachs and hearts be full.

See you soon.



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14 thoughts on “Christmas Eve is going to be awesome! I just hope I don’t kill Santa”

  1. Avatar

    *giggles* Merry Christmas, sweetie! I’m zoomin’ off to Florida, where I will immediately seek the nearest walk-in freezer and stay there until we get back to Oregon. =)

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    Merry Christmas! We keep it simple. We leave Santa cookies and beer because who wants to drink milk while putting toys together in the wee hours of Christmas Eve? The year my husband was in Iraq we were of course out of beer, so we left wine 😉

    Oh, and I agree that soy milk is ew, yuck, blech. My oldest drinks it. As a toddler, sometimes I’d find sippy cups where the milk had turned into a solid mass. That’s just not right.

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    I shouldn’t be blogsurfing right now, as I have to bake gingerbread cookies because that is what Santa told my kid are his absolute, most-favorite cookies in the WHOLE WORLD when she inquired whilst perched on his lap earlier this month.

    Because I have TIME to be baking homemade gingerbread cookies today, of course. Why couldn’t Santa have expressed a love of Girl Scout cookies, which are already made and stacked up by the caseload on my back porch? Hmmmmm?

    Guess I should be grateful he didn’t mention any sparkly, blue cups………. 😀

    As for the white powder, I usually do the sniff then taste – dipping my pinkie finger in a la Crockett and Tubbs back in the good old, neon/pastel colored days of the 80s and Miami Vice.

    Merry merry from my house to yours!

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    Good Morning, I am coming your way by SITS.
    I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Please stay cozy and warm as, colder days are coming. I am from Michigan and if you are not paying attention the weather will change. Thanks for letting me visit.

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    aw – we have a sparkly blue cup you coulda borrowed! Josh ( my 9 year old) is now running around the house chasing his eyeballs! Yes I know I shouldnt have read it to him, but my hubby was searching for a phone charger …. and it was funny! Oh – he has just told me his eyeballs popped out when he saw the “hot” singer on the video! He’s only 9 for heavens sake!!!! Lord help all the girls in our area! I DID sit him down and tell him that girls were more than a pair of boobs (he had an infatuation!)…they were a sense of humour, a nice character etc etc….he said he thought I was going to give him the sex talk!!! Merry Christmas!

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    Merry Christmas, to one and to all! Sadly, ours are so old now we didn’t even leave a snack this year. Maybe Santa will have to leave a note thanking them for considering his health and not subjecting him to the temptations of treats!

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    haha, now that’s one humorous Santa, and your girl really took it for real! oh well, you really shouldn’t use sarcasm and irony around kids for humor, lol!

    great blog here, i really enjoyed the read! 😀

    Merry Christmas, Happy holidays, and have a great year ahead! 😀

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    reminds me of the “Santa Claus” when the little girl leaves soy milk for Tim Allen because he says he’s lactose intolerant. Great story, and congrats on dealing with glitter.

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    I know this is after Christmas, but I had to read a post about killing Santa. That Santa sounds like the one from Bad Santa. I was lucky this year. It was chocolate chips and I was even able to buy them in a package. Thank God.

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