Forget my uterus. I think the real reason we don’t have a third child is because I might name it Oregano. Or Poseidon.

I’d like to thank all of you who commented on my last post and sent me emails about our family getting a puppy. So many of you offered me suggestions and recommendations and I think only a few agreed that I may have suffered a blow to the head from a wayward meteorite, except they were kind enough to phrase it as ARE YOU EFFING INSANE? And to those people I say I’M NOT SURE. LET ME ASK THE BUTTER.

After some examination, we’ve narrowed our search to the following:

  • Must be purebred (or a mix)
  • Must be a boy (or a girl)
  • Must come from a rescue (or a breeder)

Leaps and bounds of progress!

Or not.

Maybe we should just bag the research and ask the butter.

In the meantime, I’ll introduce you to a puppy of a different kind, whom I shall refer to as Clarence, simply because I suck at names and if we had gone with my first choice, Zoe would have been named Cinnamon, despite my former father-in-law’s dubious stare and subsequent query of “What the hell are you going to name your second? Paprika?”


Clarence was born late last year from the imagination of my nine year old, Helena, in response to my frustrated shout of NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO.

I think Clarence is a lot better than any old Facebook account. She didn’t use a pattern or drawing or instructions or anything – she just stomped into the dining room, muttering something about Zoe getting all the breaks and life being one big rip-off in general and emerged a few hours later with Clarence and dog dish in hand. She plopped him in my hand, shouted I SUPPOSE I CAN’T HAVE A CELL PHONE EITHER and then ran outside, jumped in the pool and stayed under water for 43 minutes to prove her point, whatever it may have been.

And I just stared at Clarence, thinking he was a pretty damn good effort for a pissed off nine year old winging it on the fly and I sat there, wondering where in the world she got the ability to mold something so clever out of nothing and if I denied her Ugg boots, might she sculpt me some built-ins for our living room?

As I contemplated Clarence, I’m sure I had the same expression on my face that my current father-in-law had as he stared at our beautifully remodeled master bath that took Nate almost a year to finish. You know …  like maybe we should swab our kids’ mouths when they’re not looking and spring for a few DNA tests.

Helena asked me to bake Clarence and his dog dish so that she could give them to her teacher who is a lover of all things dalmatian and I finally did three months later because not only do I suck at names, I also suck at time management as well.

The kids are writing a list of potential names for our actual puppy and I suggested they wait until we actually get a puppy before doing so because as of yet, we have no idea what our puppy will look like and shouldn’t we base its name on its appearance, as politically incorrect as that may sound?

Thankfully we humans don’t practice this method with our own offspring because otherwise, Helena would have been named Wrinkly Big Lipped Squawking Pot Roast.

Which, to Nate and Zoe and everyone else who stared at me as if I had three eyeballs, would have been preferable to my first choices of Zeus and Cosmos.

But, only if she had been a boy!

I’m not totally crazy, you know.

Just ask the butter.



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21 thoughts on “Forget my uterus. I think the real reason we don’t have a third child is because I might name it Oregano. Or Poseidon.”

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    I guess it’s a good thing you don’t have your own country then, huh? LOL. Pretty amazing creation that dog is. You really should make her angry more often. Imagine the possibilities!

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    I actually knew a girl named Cinnamon when I was a kid. Even though “when I was a kid” was the still-kinda-groovy 70s, I knew that was just wrong, wrong, wrong. Even worse? She had a sister named Pepper. I sh*t thee not.

    When I was a kid, I wanted to change my name, as there were scads of Heathers running around, thereby forcing me to perpetually have to be Heather H. – oh, how I hated having to be initialled all. The. Time. throughout my school career. My first choice was Cassandra Roxanne. Classy, no? Then for a while I wanted to be Evangeline. Inexplicably, I wanted for a period to be Judith, too. (I cannot clearly recall if this was right on the heels of the time I participated in a Young Writers’ Conference for which Judy Blume was the keynote speaker. Rich Little was the entertainment for that event, too. Craziness!)

    Seeing as how my evil, mean, named-me-Heather parents wouldn’t drive me down to the courthouse so I could change my name (which, incidentally, one of the kids in my high school class actually did. He changed his name from “Juan Guerrero” to “Julian Longhouse” during junior year, and then we all had to call him Julian because it was, you know, legal and all) I took out my name changing desires on all the critters dwelling on our farm. I had a prize-winning ewe for three years running at the NJ State Fair named Lucinda Mae, for example. Good times…………….

    Oh, and Julian? We reconnected via Facebook about a year ago, and he has since legally changed his name back, although he now goes by his (originally given) middle name.

    Clarence is awesome!

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    Love the dog and accessories. Any chance it can substitute for the real thing? Just kidding, but really having a dog can be a real pain at times. Just saying…

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    You have to get it, live with it a few days, and then name it. Kind of like what we did with our kids…. great motivator for a finding a name instead of calling them Baby Boy White and Baby Girl White.

    You also have to consider a name you can call at the top of your lungs for all the neighbors to hear – leaving out a bunch of names. I’ll let your imagination run wild on that thought.

    Stan at Scrappers Workshop

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    One of the reasons I think we have so many cats is because I get to express my naming weirdness on them. Over the years we have had Buddah, Pandora, Athena, Nefertiti, Kali, Thor and Ashes. Smoke was named by the boys after I told them that Whitey wasn’t going to work…unless we named the others Honky & Cracker.

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    Only one piece of advice… imagine what you dog’s name will sound like when screeched across the park at top volume – that’s assuming that your dog will be as disobedient as mine, and I hope for your sake and that of the neighbors that it won’t. My friend called his dog Buck… big mistake, especially around the kids playground!

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    Oh, just think about all the fun stuff you’ll have to blog about! I could not handle a dog right now. I’m so disappointed that I’m allergic to them. Not. I can’t wait to hear what name will be picked. I’m sure it’s going to be great. By the way, I got the link to the news video to work, I think. I’m allergic to technology, too.

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    Oh, just think about all the fun stuff you’ll have to blog about! I could not handle a dog right now. I’m so disappointed that I’m allergic to them. Not. I can’t wait to hear what name will be picked. I’m sure it’s going to be great. By the way, I got the link to the news video to work, I think. I’m allergic to technology, too.

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    “Helena would have been named Wrinkly Big Lipped Squawking Pot Roast.”

    Omg, green bean through the nose. =)

    Sometimes, for names, inspiration just hits you right… I thought “Tycho” was a lot better than Rotten Egg Nebula, for example… 😉

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    I’m not a dog person. My husband desperately wants a dog, but I’ve enforced a strict “no dog until we’re in a house” rule. So my little 2 bedroom apartment is safe from canines for now.

    I also told him that if I agreed to get a dog, I wanted to name it. He eyed me skeptically and asked me what I wanted to name it, and I told him.

    Cthulu. I want to name our dog Cthulu. It’s either Cthulu, or no dice on the dog, hubs. Sorry.

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    Dalmations take a LOT of care though – friend of mine had two, and they were a nightmare. (which is my friends’ fault, not the dogs. Obedience school would have sorted most of the problems out)

    I’m a cat person and hubs is a dog person. Needless to say, we have a cat, and not a dog. This isn’t so much to do with me “winning”, as us being unable to care for a dog just yet, but the use of being homesick and a bit of blackmail got me the cat.

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    For dang real. My first child would’ve been named Plucked Chicken, maybe and the second one something in the realm of HOLY GOD IT HURT HAVING YOU. I probably would’ve shortened it to something like Prince’s weird symbol name and refer to her as #@%^, like in the cartoons when someone stubbs their toe. I’m pretty sure that’s Cartoonese for cussing, but whatever. I was cussing in my head when I had her, so.

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    When are you getting the puppy? (and yes, I agree, names should go with looks, personality, etc.) We adopted our dog, named Dora, and I think it’s very fitting as she is quite the explorer and if she doesn’t get her 2x daily romp around the neighborhood she whines like there is no tomorrow!

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