Hope springs eternal: 2010 edition

If you were reading me last year around this time, you might remember that I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. In fact, my exact words were:

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore.

And then I followed it up with:

I’ve decided to spread out my ridiculously high expectations throughout the entire year so that I can thoroughly enjoy each and every accompanying disappointment in all of its glory, rather than experience one general, massive, overwhelming, excruciating, cataclysmic disillusionment on January 5. This way, I won’t have 360 continuous days in which to ask myself Now what the hell do I do?

I still feel that way. I have no desire to type a list of resolutions out loud because actual people might hear them and then they might hold me accountable and I’ve got enough things for which I’m accountable in my life, including two kids and a dirty Honda which still sports the memory of one huge collective bird poo orgy from eight months ago.

My Honda, that is. Not my kids. I am aware of no poo orgies involving my kids. Although I think I’ve just come up with another item to add to my spreadsheet entitled STUFF I NEED TO WORRY OVER THAT NOBODY ELSE EVER THINKS ABOUT.

So I see no need to resolve anything on January 1, 2010, least of all to scrape that weird, disgusting, splotch of congealed gunk off the inside of my dryer. And don’t think I’m not aware that my dryer hates me, has always hated me, and would jump at the chance to out my colossal resolution failure by sneaking out the door, zooming over to your house, running up your stairs into your bathroom, dropping trow and flashing you while you’re flossing. Then you’ll scream and not because the weird, disgusting, splotch of congealed gunk on its innards is still there and grossed you out, even though I’m sure it did, but because you probably floss in your undies and it saw you and in my world, there’s nothing worse than being seen in my undies except maybe being seen without my undies in which case, just apply some blunt force trauma to the back of my head with a big shovel and be done with it already.

Screaming will probably make you gag on the floss and then you’ll most likely heave all over the place and the weird, disgusting, splotch of congealed gunk on the inside of my dryer will no longer be visible because it will smothered under viscous pools of vomit. Your viscous pools of vomit and in case you didn’t get the memo, I no longer do vomit, viscous, chunky or otherwise, especially when it is hurled from the mouths of those who cannot thank me for their bellybuttons.

So now you’re out a carpet cleaning and I’m out a dryer and no one is happy, especially me because not only do I have to dry my clothes in my oven but I also have to register all my appliances as sex offenders.

Ergo, I don’t do resolutions. But as with 2009,Β  I do have hopes for 2010 and they are, in no particular order:

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I hope the weird, disgusting, splotch of congealed gunk on the inside of my dryer spontaneously disappears.

I hope the weird, disgusting splotch of congealed skin that I affectionately refer to as MY THIGHS spontaneously disappears too.

I hope no one vomits this year.

I hope Nate stays employed.

I hope your Nates stay employed.

I hope I can stop worrying and find some other way to waste time.

I hope no one gets sick this year.

I hope everyone will have excellent health insurance, just in case.

I hope that insurance fully covers the best prosthetic devices on the market today for those of us who will pay an arm and/or a leg for it.

I hope I can stop looking like a “before” photo.

I hope Anderson Cooper comes to his senses.

I hope “Made in America” is taken off the endangered species list.

I hope that New York State changes the minimum age requirement for a driver’s license to 37.

I hope they do it before Zoe turns 16 this year.

I hope that I find the strength to let Zoe walk out the door on her first real date without crying.

I hope I don’t jump in my car and follow them.

I hope they don’t see me if I do.

I hope Helena can fit into Zoe’s purse, just in case.

I hope the Jonas Brothers go away.

I hope they take Jon Gosslin with them. And whoever was in charge of Kate’s hair.

I hope Helena is always excited to receive deodorant from Santa.

I hope I get a Nikon D90 and a laptop.

In the alternative, hope I get a laptop and a Nikon D90.

I hope they find a cure for cancer and it turns out to be cheese.

I hope Nate and I learn to communicate better so that he can stop asking me WHAT’S WRONG fifteen times and I can stop smacking him upside the head with a 2×4 engraved with FOR SHIT’S SAKE, DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK in big, block letters. With sparkles.

I hope I become a better wife and mother.

I hope I become a better person.

I hope you continue to visit me, even if I don’t.

I hope I make you laugh. Either at me or with me because laughter is the best medicine of all and it doesn’t even cost a co-pay so all you parasitic, leeching, health insurance companies out there? SUCK IT.

I hope 2010 is better than 2009, to the tenth power.

I hope to see you back here soon.

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38 thoughts on “Hope springs eternal: 2010 edition”

  1. YAY! I’m first to comment – so long as I type really quickly and hit SUBMIT.

    HAPPIEST of HAPPY NEW YEARs to you, my dear!!

    Also? I was working on a resolutions post and was totally planning to call it Hope Springs Eternal, and you STOLE my title! Good thing I had a (rather lame but now I’m going with it) back up title.

    Can’t wait to see you at Panera sometime next decade – erm, year – erm, week? πŸ˜€

  2. Whew, I was first. Now I can be second too, though no one is terribly fond of Number 2, except for a few of my relatives’ dogs who have an inordinate and disgusting fondness for producing some Number 2, then eating it. Which? Ew.

    Anyhow, the main reason I want to see you at Panera sometime next decade/year/week is because we’re switching health insurance plans as my husband’s work is making the whole company switch to Screw You Healthcare and I will need lots of laughter since we won’t be able to afford any other sort of medicine from tomorrow on out. Bleargh.

    If the cure for cancer is cheese? I am going to live to be a thousand. Unless the cholesterol kills me first.

    Once again, Happy New Year!

  3. Being a new fan to your blog, I’d like to say Happy New Year and then second the hopes you have for your thighs.

    I hold similar aspirations for the entire mid section of my upper and lower torso πŸ˜‰

    Onward to a FABULOUS and happy 2010! I look forward to getting to know you.

    ~Maven from A Fabulously Good Life

  4. I hope the daycare parents permit me to start drinking on the job.

    I hope our new family pet does not bite my 2 year old in the face again. (arms and legs are free game.)

    I hope somebody gives me a million dollars so I can stop having to work for it and start hiring Russian nannies.

    I hope the weird, disgusting, splotch of congealed gunk on the inside of your dryer does not make it’s way to MY dryer.

    I hope my nate stops telling me I spend too much and starts throwing extra cash in my wallet and yelling “YOU DESERVE IT!!” as I head to the mall.

  5. Dude.

    All I can say is I am glad that globulous mass of goobly icky yuck isn’t stuck to anyone’s underwear, or in their crack. Or in their teeth. Or spilling out of anyone’s esophagus onto shag carpet. I hope no one catches a case of it on their bottom lip from dating any of the Jonas Brothers, and sheesh if they do, their health insurance better cover it, ’cause I am pretty dang sure there’s no OTC creams for that one…

    Don’t worry…or worry…I’ll be back…

  6. I’m yet another new reader of your blog, and you will be seeing me on your website often (they say laughter is the best medicine which is good because I also have shitty health insurance).

    Here is what I wish for 2010

    1. That somebody invents diapers that stop poop from squishing up the back
    2. That I start using my oven more than my microwave
    3. That I learn the difference between dormitorio and residencia for my upcoming trip to Mexico
    4. That my son doesn’t choke on a ball of dog hair as a direct result of my domestic uselessness
    5. That I have more empty wine bottles and fewer empty chocolate boxes in my trash at the end of 2010

  7. Thanks for the laughs you gave us in 2009 and may you continue to give us many more in 2010!

    Oh and can I borrow the 2 x 4 with the engraved letters and sparkles? I seriously need it here being surrounded by 5 boys!! (OK, OK … 3 boys, 1 man and a male dog who likes to argue with cars and, luckily for us, win … but they’re really all boys when it comes down to it, aren’t they?)

  8. Happy New Year! I’m a resolution kind of girl. But this hope thing works out, too.

    I hope my girls potty-train themselves.
    I hope more people learn that if you are nice to the receptionist you’ll get more help.
    I hope I get a laptop or maybe some new floors.

  9. ok, THANK YOU for the laughs! You are one amazing writer! This is my favorite, and I might borrow it if you don’t mind!

    “I hope I can stop looking like a β€œbefore” photo.”

    Priceless!!!!!

    Happy New Year!

  10. Happy New Year!!
    You have very high hopes! Good for you! I am going swimming today of all days?? What a way to start the decade in my suit of shame…. I hope I don’t have to gouge out anyone’s eyeballs…

  11. Love this post. And I can so relate. Thanks for sharing your outlook on life via your blog with all of us out here in blog land. πŸ™‚

  12. I’m so with you on the “I hope I can stop looking like a β€œbefore” photo.”

    I hope you never stop blogging:)

    Happy New Year!

  13. oh wow…you are SO bookmarked!
    Love this post — look forward to reading more.

    So sorry for the delay in coming to say hello, but wanted to thank you for swinging by my blog on Monday for my SITS day. Hope you have a very happy new year!

    Lauren

  14. LMAO. Girl I love every thing you ever write. Resolutions are made to be broken aren’t they? I made some, but I know they will only last half the year. I like your hopes though. Good idea and I soooo feel you on the dryer pain. My hubby JUST fixed ours today wooohooo!
    Kas

  15. Andy- you have fabulous goals for 2010! Although… I am actually agreeing with you a lot. My thighs, and the before picture comment! Here are my things…
    1. I really wish Lauren would potty train herself.
    2. I hope we manage to stay out of the children’s hospital with my youngest daughter
    3. I really want to go on a trip somewhere that doesn’t include my in laws house. :p
    4. I need to work on my thighs and before picture issues. πŸ˜‰

    Happy New Year, Andy! Keep up the great work!

  16. I just stopped in after reading the SITS letter from the other day. Yes, I am tardy…LOL! Love your blog! You have a great sense of humor (or you’re about as nuts as I am. πŸ™‚ I agree with your thoughts on resolutions. No point making them for 5 minutes & being w/o direction for the rest of the year.
    Anyway, just wanted to wish you a very Happy New Year & let you know you have a new stalker, I mean reader…lol.

  17. Your list looks a lot like a list I could make!! I pray the Jonas brothers go away…I’m kinda hoping now that the older one got married, the band will break up. I was hoping no one would vomit this year but of course each of the kids have been sick since Tuesday. At least one puking each day…lovely. Just like us to start 2010 with a bang, right?

    I’ve truly enjoyed reading your blog this past year! You are one of my favorites…I always know I’ll leave here with a smile!!

  18. Happy New Year! Among other things, I also hope for a laptop and I’ll take a dSLR camera of just about any kind at this point. Or the dSLR and a laptop. Order is irrelevant.

  19. Happy New Years! I’m just catching up on my reading and as usual you had me laughing out loud (making Mr MoonCat ask me WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?)…

    Looking forward to 2010 right there with ya!

  20. At the risk of getting sentimental with such a humorous blog to compete with, I enjoy you blog. And at the risk of getting too wordy…i really really REALLY enjoy your blog. Although I follow more than a fair share, yours is one that I can always count on to make me laugh.
    Thanks for sharing your life πŸ˜€

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