Hope springs eternal: 2011 edition

I’m not a fan of resolutions. If you’ve been around here long enough, you might remember my philosophy on the entire concept of publicly declaring all sorts of ridiculously abstract promises only to stand by and watch helplessly while they whither from neglect and death march into the barrel of a brand new, shiny, metaphorical assault rifle and get shot straight to a theoretically much warmer climate. To wit, circa 2008:

I’ve decided to spread out my ridiculously high expectations throughout the entire year so that I can thoroughly enjoy each and every accompanying disappointment in all of its glory, rather than experience one general, massive, overwhelming, excruciating, cataclysmic disillusionment on January 5. This way, I won’t have 360 continuous days in which to ask myself Now what the hell do I do?

Instead, I have hopes. Because believe it or not, I’m an optimist and when it isn’t under the couch covered with Ollie slobber, fuzzies, dead skin cells and Dorito dust, my glass is half full. This explains why I still hang onto the size 2 leather and suede-fringed mini skirt I bought at Merry Go Round in the mid eighties and it’s not just because I think it might come back into fashion some day.

So here, in no particular order, are my hopes for 2011:

I hope that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch;

I hope that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch;

I hope that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch;

I hope that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch;

I hope that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch;

*Pretend that there’s a whole bunch of blah blah blah here about world peace, my family staying healthy and happy and employed, someone finding a cure for all sorts of diseases, becoming a better wife, mother, sister, friend and blogger, winning the lottery, staying within five pounds of goal weight, Anderson Cooper coming to his senses, $25 football jerseys for dogs named Oliver being outlawed, gas not becoming more expensive than plasma, Nate developing a severe allergy to online shopping, someone stuffing the entire airline industry into two carry-ons and charging them $100 for the service, and getting my mattress to stop masquerading around as a sink hole.*

And finally … I hope that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch;

What are your hopes for 2011?

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15 thoughts on “Hope springs eternal: 2011 edition”

  1. OK. Now seriously.

    1. I did a goofy resolutions post in which I know almost none of them will hold true. In fact, I’ve already broken nine of the twenty four. But it seemed like the thing to write about in my first NYE post.

    and

    2. I have NO idea if this will work. But to deter him from even going behind the sofa witha thought of doing any business back there, have you tried lining the area behind your sofa with something that makes loud disturbing noise when you walk on it? You know there’s some kinds of paper or maybe aluminum foil or something like that, that would be very noisy when Oliver walks on it, that might scare him and make him not even want to go back there anymore. Of course, then he might poop *in front* of the sofa. But it might be worth a try?

  2. My only resolution is to never make any resolutions!

    How about a resolution that you have to come to Ireland with all the money you will save when Nate stops spending online?

  3. Well, I hope Oliver stops pooping behind the couch too. I like having goals for other people, it puts less pressure on me to perform.

    Mostly I hope DH remains employed and at or over his current salary level.

    Oh and world peace would be…. entirely unheard of in the whole of human history and probably would result in catastrophic crime rates around the globe as all those young males currently working off their testosterone on other countries came home & had no other place to redirect it. I mean, world peace is nice in concept, but so are 5 inch heels on thigh high boots. But I’m not so sure either would be good in reality.

  4. I’m not sure how I got here, but I am so glad I found your blog….you are a great writer!
    My hopes for 2011 include cleaning our under my desk so I can actually sit in my office…if, I mean, WHEN, that happens I will think about setting some other goals like organizing photos and maybe even scrapbooking something.
    I have no words of wisdom to offer for the poop behind the couch but if you had any suggestions related to getting kids to stop leaving big glops of toothpaste in the bathroom sink I am all ears!
    Have a wonderful day and thanks for blogging!

  5. You know what’s funny? I hope my son stops pooping behind the couch. He wears pull ups, but he hides back there to do it.

    I’m hoping to get a smartphone in 2011.

    I hope my kids live to see their next birthdays respectively. It was a rough Christmas break.

    And finally, that the Army gets their shizzle together and tells us where my DH will be assigned when the school year ends.

  6. I don’t want to sound goofy and sentimental or anything but I hope you write a lot of blog posts this year because whenever I am feeling blah, I look here for inspiration and you always inspire me, Andrea. I can only aspire to being as funny, but I try.

    At least Oliver only poops behind the couch. Easy fix – cover the area with puppy pads and check them every day. It will spare your rug and his life.

  7. I see we feel the same way about resolutions. 😉 When I am asked, I tend to give crazy exaggerated answers like, “I resolve to lose 100 pounds, start waking up at 5:30 am (and enjoying it), and fix the hole in the ozone.” That way, when I fail miserably at my goals I can say that it was just because I aimed too high and isn’t it better to shoot for the stars? 😀

    That said, I did try something new on my blog/shop to start the year off on (hopefully) the right foot. I’m trying out a giveaway, and if you are so inclined, you can take a look. 🙂

    Happy happy new year, and good luck with Oliver. ((Have you tried the crinkly paper idea from Carolyn? That sounds like a good one!))

  8. You better put something to block behind the sofa so he can’t get back there. Because he is NOT going to stop. (Sorry!) We had a cockerspaniel that marked her pooping area on the dining room rug. NOTHING we did could make her stop. And she lived for 19 years. No kidding.

  9. Sorry ’bout the poop. =(

    I hope that I continue to be rather healthy, that I get back on my weight loss plan, that I continue to be married and have a child, and some choice political thoughts. Heh.

  10. We all have the same hope for the New Year..

    that Oliver stops pooping behind the couch!

    That economy, famine, disease, war thing – that’ll all take care of itself. This poop thing, well that’s serious.

  11. My only resolution this year is for Oliver to stop pooping behind the couch.

    I know.
    It’s weird.
    How the heck did we get the same resolution.

    Especially since I neither own a dog named Oliver and as of yesterday my couch is on it’s way to Miami where it will sit in storage for the next two years.

  12. I don’t usually make resolutions but since I understand completely your wish for Oliver to knock it off. We have a 3 year old Yorkie who to this day isn’t 100% house broken, drives me crazy!

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