How to make over your dining room with one boob tied in front of your back

Remember my old dining room?

The one from six years ago, when we first moved into our house? With the dark green walls and the stained carpet and a wallpaper border straight from the clearance section of www.we-sell-ugly.com? Did I mention that the previous owners kept a bird cage in there? With a real, live bird in it and everything? And by everything, I mean feces?

For the first couple of months we lived here, we used this room as a set design for a show called Hoarders which hadn’t even been invented yet. Of course, it helped immensely that Helena had been born with her umbilical cord attached to Toys ‘R Us.

This was the next phase in the evolution of our dining room, after one spouse yelled to the other spouse HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE IN THE MOOD WHEN OUR DINING ROOM IS BEYOND HIDEOUS?

I won’t bother telling you which spouse I was. I like to keep you guessing!

So we ripped out the carpeting, installed hardwoods and painted. Of course, Helena needed convincing before she would relocate her life up to her bedroom where it belonged but all it took were a few popsicle bribes, mixed in with the occasional Do you want Santa to trip over your Polly Pockets and fall and get a concussion and cancel Christmas? And then she was good to go. It’s amazing what a little positive reinforcement will get you.

Our dining room looked like this for years. A deep, rich, empty red shrine to the echo. Every December, we’d drag the folding tables up from the basement, clamp them together, throw some tablecloths over them and feed fifteen or more people for Christmas Eve dinner. One year, we even kept the tables up and fed eighteen more people for Christmas dinner the next day and then hosted New Year’s Eve to boot! I like to refer to that particular year as OH MY GOD, WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE STILL IN MY HOUSE?

This is what our dining room looks like today, after one spouse yelled to the other spouse HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE IN THE MOOD WHEN OUR DINING ROOM IS BEREFT OF SOUL? AND I USED A BIG WORD. I WIN.

Guess which spouse I was?

All it took was painter’s tape, one can of gold-tinted primer, one can of gold paint, a trip to IKEA and one entire morning of climbing up and down chairs because God forgot to include height in my DNA. Of course, if you’ve got a husband who thinks it’s a good idea to wake up at 11:30 a.m., four hours after you started priming, only to comment This is all you’ve got done? Hey, you missed a spot while he’s sipping his coffee? Well, then, you’ve also got a husband who must remove the paint brush from his esophagus and finish up the entire room by himself if he ever wants to have sex again.

With me, anyway.

Figuratively speaking, of course! Because it’s not like your husband would want to have sex with me!

Would he?

My newly recovered dining room chairs look phenomenal with the new paint, if I do say so myself!

Which I do. This reminds me …

*TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT*

That’s me, tooting my own horn! If I waited for Nate or my kids to do it for me, I would be tootless for a long damn time.

Being tootless sucks, in case you weren’t aware.

The paint came from Sherwin Williams (it’s called mannered gold), the table and chairs from IKEA and the wall art from … yours truly!

I couldn’t find anything anywhere that I liked well enough to hang up. You know, with nails? On our walls? Our brand spankin’ new, pristine walls that were freshly painted less than forty-eight hours prior?

*THUD* <———— Nate, passing out from the desecration of it all.

I used something called particle board from the lumber aisle at Lowes. It was less than $4.00 for one 1 x 6 board. I bought two boards and Nate cut them into one foot squares for me. Then I sanded them which was a colossal waste of time because particle board is rough all the way through and I sanded until the cows came home and all I got for my efforts was a nose full of sawdust and a garage full of cows.

Then I painted them black. The squares, not the cows.

Then I used three coats of Mod Podge to glue patterned paper on them. Again, the squares, not the cows.

Then I accidentally dripped Mod Podge down my shirt and glued my mammary glands together and invented the mono boob.

Then I sealed them with two coats of Rust-Oleum’s Painter’s Touch Crystal Clear Matte sealant.

The squares, not my boobs.

I love how they turned out! Again, that would be the squares, not my boobs.

By the way, I have no idea what that whitish rectangle thing is to the left of the wall art. I got all excited, thinking I was witnessing some paranormal activity, like maybe a ghost-wife was inspired to show her ghost-husband how she could do the same exact thing on their walls in purgatory! How cool would that be? But Nate said Calm down, it’s only a glare from the window and I said Well, excuse me, Mr. Killjoy, for not being a pragmatist like you. And I just used a big word so I win. And he said Win what? And do you even know what pragmatist means? And I said I know you are but what am I? And he said You are weird.

And I said Hello? I have a mono boob. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW.

.

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49 thoughts on “How to make over your dining room with one boob tied in front of your back”

  1. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you did not, in fact, invent the monoboob. I know this because I went to college with the actual inventor of the monoboob. Her name was Peggy and she had one, gigantic boob. Sort of like a jumbo watermelon. And she liked – no, loved to wear turtlenecks. Not turtlenecks under a sweater, mind you, just…. turtlenecks.

    She also was approximately five feet tall and was….. big boned for her height. What I’m saying is, she might’ve thought she looked like Pamela Anderson (from back in her Baywatch days) but she was the only one. The rest of us cringed in fear of the monoboob.

    Though, come to think of it, I believe the word we used back then was uniboob. Like unibrow.

    Oh, never mind, guess you *did* invent the monoboob after all!

    Love that gold. I’m still scraping wallpaper glue over here at my This Old House, but rumor has it we might be cracking open a bucket o’ primer this weekend. Woo, the excitement! (No, seriously. I totally am psyched to be getting past the steaming-and-scraping-wallpaper glue stage and into the painting stage. Thank heavens.)
    .-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Random Thoughts Tuesday (because it is still, barely, Tuesday) =-.

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  3. Beautiful dining room!! Makes me want to re-do mine, from top to bottom! It looks like a forest with all the oak furniture and oak trim and oak floors! Oh welll, 18 years ago I thought it was great!
    .-= cindyn’s last blog post is here ..More Real Sports =-.

  4. What a fantastic dining room!!! I so want to rip up some of my carpet and install hardwood floors, too….but I’m a little scared of what it might cost. *gulp*
    .-= Marlene’s last blog post is here ..The Sure Kill =-.

  5. Love the makeover (and the ensuing commentary)!

    You just gave me a fabulous idea for certain walls of my recently re-vamped studio space that need a little sprucing up. Gotta find what I did with my mod-podge!
    .-= Scraps’s last blog post is here ..the Hunt Begins =-.

  6. I haven’t read all these comments, because I haven’t the time and I’m pretty sure I know what they’ll all say, because I’m going to say the same thing.

    You’re awesome!! Monoboob and all, amazing!!

    Also, I wear a monoboob everyday because I wear a sports bra. Everyday. It’s ok to feel sorry for me. Trust me, monoboob is better than droopyboob.

    Also, I save your blog for last, kind of like the cheesecake at the end of the meal. Because it/you’re my favorite. It’s ok to think I’m a rock star for saying this.

  7. OMG I just snorted coffee out my nose I laughed so hard! Sounds like conversations in our house, altho I’ve never mod podged by boobs together but just give me time. Stopping in from SITS.

    ~Kelli @ Smidgens
    .-= Kelli’s last blog post is here ..Garden Furniture Re Do =-.

  8. Little Green Mom

    Nice — the ‘mannered gold’ that is, not your mono boobs. I’ve never seen your boobs, so no offence. I’m sure they’re lovely! Also like the square framed thingamies. I couldn’t do that in a million years. I’ve been banned from using scissors and glue since pre-k. Oh, and paint for that matter… A good way to get out of DYI forever ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. I liked the red walls better. I know, I know, red is like, so 1990’s. I am aware the trend is over. I don’t care though. I like to eat in a room that looks like an abattoir. I think it fits with my lifestyle as a dedicated carnivore…

    I can’t handle gold because my mother went thru a phase where everything in the house that wasn’t nailed down was painted gold, for Christmas. The dog was quite a sight. Yikes…
    .-= Dee’s last blog post is here ..From the Sleepy Ex-Mulch Queen =-.

  10. Wow, your dining room looks like it’s straight out of a magazine!! It’s gorgeous…from the paint to the portraits to the dark brown dining table! You give me hope…that someday when my kids a little older, I may actually be able to have a nice dining room like that too!
    .-= Helene’s last blog post is here ..My kind of luck is the reason why…. =-.

  11. Actually I believe the glow to the left of your wall art is a reflection from the picture in the black frame to the right of the window, rather than glare from the window itself (due to size/shape/position/angle). If you took the photo with fill-flash, that would be your flash reflecting from the picture onto the wall.

    Sorry to be even more pragmatic… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  12. Good grief woman. Are you a human dynamo? That would have taken me six houndred years to complete. Took me close to that to finish reading this post because of the laugh breaks I had to take.

    I’d start listing all the things I love about this but it’s easier to list the things I don’t like: that would be nothing.
    .-= Cheryl’s last blog post is here ..Home is . . . =-.

  13. I agree that you’re not the first for the mono-boob. I’m thinking Mrs. Craven from my elementary school. That woman’s boob crossed the state line an hour before her bottom did.

    Your dining room looks FAB!
    .-= Barb’s last blog post is here ..Brooks Brother =-.

  14. I think it looks FABULOUS – and no matter how much a PITA those chairs were, they are amazing! We just bought a new dining set from IKEA too, but I’m afraid to do anything to the chairs because I’d probably have to stop blogging after I lost my fingers in a tragic glue gun incident.
    .-= Katie’s last blog post is here ..Like I Need Another Hole in my Head =-.

  15. Wow! When I saw the first picture I thought, I would never be able to afford that kind of wall art. You did it yourself?! I am SO doing that this weekend! Great job!
    .-= SeriousMom’s last blog post is here ..Mom panties? =-.

  16. I totally love the transformation and the pivotal role your boobs and sawdust cows played in it.

    And your art project? Genius. That one square is a tad crooked though…no no, leave it! It adds character, like a monoboob!

    Ok enough of that. Dining room looks awesome. Great job!
    .-= Insanitykim’s last blog post is here ..Sometimes I Jump onto Soap Boxes… =-.

  17. I LOVE the wall art, and I’m totally stealing that idea. And I’m also stealing the line, “How can I possibly be in the mood when…the garage is a wreck?! The cat litter isn’t scooped?! There are dirty dishes in the sink?! etc…” This will work on my BF. I know it will.
    .-= Janet’s last blog post is here ..It’s Not for Everybody =-.

  18. I actually think it looked better painted red but I really like the wall art.
    And I laughed until I choked and then started coughing and then my eyes started weeping, so thanks.

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