Exercising to lose weight is like someone strapping a two ton smelly gorilla onto your back and six inch stilettos onto your feet, right before using a cattle prod to force you to climb a fifty story rock wall during a monster hail storm while singing Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?
Losing those last ten pounds feels exactly the same way except someone greased the goddamn wall with Crisco when you weren’t looking.
I’m about seven pounds away from my goal weight and in an effort to shed those seven miserable leeching little shits, I’ve ramped it up on the treadmill and now do a straight thirty minutes at a 6.5° incline, ten of which are spent walking briskly and the remaining twenty spent cramping, crying, cursing and conjuring up hideously gruesome ways to decapitate an expensive piece of exercise equipment in its sleep, all while drowning in gallons of boob sweat. This twenty minute ride into the depths of Hell is known as jogging.
My body wasn’t meant to jog on a treadmill. It wasn’t meant to jog on anything, period. I know this because if God had meant for me to move faster than a sloth, He would have birthed me with actual, real live legs instead of short, stubby wannabes perched atop ridiculously weak ankles attached to feet with arches so low, they’re half way to China as I type. Let’s not even mention the triple D’s that tower mere inches above the entire mess. There’s not a bra alive that’s got the cajones to tackle this particular job.
He also would have given me a little better coordination so that I could keeping jogging and not strangle myself with my own earphones while attempting to change the song on my iPod because as much as I adore Van Morrison, and I really do, I simply cannot psyche myself up to WORK THROUGH THE PAIN! PAIN IS BUT A MOLE ON THE ASS OF HEALTHY while listening to Have I Told You Lately That I Love You.
I just started watching The Biggest Loser this season and I’ve decided that I need Jillian or Bob or someone absurdly good looking with zero body fat and great hair to help me exercise. Someone to ignore the tears streaming out of my eyes and the vomit streaming out of my mouth, someone to scream IF THAT’S JUNK IN YOUR TRUNK, THEN YOU ARE A BUICK in my face to motivate me and that someone had better be someone other than Nate and not just because he hides his body fat under a layer of denial or his hair is receding whether he admits it or not, but because if Nate ever screamed anything in my face, he’d better do so while wearing a cup and having a few extra testicles waiting on standby. Unless whatever he screamed sounded exactly like YOU ARE SO TOTALLY HOT AND I’M BUYING YOU A NIKON D90 TODAY.
I get that the main premise of The Biggest Loser is to help obese contestants lose weight. Well, that and to make gobs of money and push Jillian Michaels onto the general public to the extent that she is now the Rachael Ray of fitness, except that Jillian wouldn’t be caught dead saying Let’s make it really YUM-O by adding a little bit of MYFA which is short for MOVE YOUR F*CKING ASS. But I don’t get the whole mentality behind the elimination aspect.
The contestants who lose the least amount of weight each week are up for elimination yet, aren’t they the very ones who need the show’s help the most simply because they didn’t lose the most weight? And apparently, it’s OK to slack off on a week you have immunity so that you can save up your weight loss for the following week because that’s just “playing the game” so long as you cop to it when you’re standing on the scale as Bob and Jillian are staring at you, horrified, as if you’ve just shoved an entire pizza down your throat with a puppy attached to it without screaming MOTHER MAY I first.
But you better not play the game two weeks in a row because then you’ll be accused of *gasp* playing the game instead of trying to lose weight.
But isn’t the whole point of being on the show to win the game?
And you win the game by losing the most amount of weight.
But you can’t actually win the game unless you play the game strategically.
And if you play the game strategically, there will be some weeks when you won’t lose as much weight.
Blink. Blink. Stare.
Ethical dilemmas aside, I love the show, even though it makes my head hurt. When I watch it, I think I can do that! If she can do it, I can do it! Holy shit, do I look like that in a tank top?
Above all else, what I really want to know is … where the hell is all that skin going?
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25 thoughts on “I feel like a Biggest Loser on my treadmill, and not in a good way”
“Holy shit, do I look like that in a tank top?”
Exactly why I can’t watch that show! lol
Oh, and I think their skin is rolled up and shoved into place. Otherwise, some of those people are getting tummytucks every few weeks!
Dropping by from SITS to show some love! I know how you feel when it comes to excersing! Alto i have become very good friends with my treadmill we r almost like best friends now took me a while to get to this point and i am by far not ready to cut the strings to this relationships 🙂 I have been working extremely hard this last yr pushing myself and im happy to say btw all the ass kicking ive been doing to myself its paid off i have lost 116 pounds during this past yr! As for extra skin i would imagine they all have the excess skin removal…or they have REALLY good skin that didnt reach its max when they were as big as they were prior to loosing that weight…
.-= Kira’s last blog post is here ..~Praying For Good News~ =-.
boob sweat is the worst! I am the only person in my aerobics class who looks like her under-boobs are leaking. By the end I also look as if I’ve peed myself. Why can’t I sweat in socially acceptable places?
.-= pixielation’s last blog post is here ..Pants on the floor? No star for you! =-.
First off, you have inspired me. I am working out now as well, started Jan 1 and have lost 6 lbs so far. So, thank you for that!
Secondly, I KNOW you have (at least one) Wii. Are you aware there is “The Biggest Loser” for Wii. That’s right, you can have Jillian and Bob yelling directly at you from you Wii! It’s available at Amazon. I don’t have this, I do have Will Active, which is currently kicking my butt.
Congratulations on getting close to your goal! I just know you can reach it.
Congrats on getting closer to your goal! You couldn’t pay me to get on a treadmill anymore. These old joints can’t handle it anymore.
And for the “Holy shit is that what I look like in a tank top?” I think the same thing and can’t watch.
.-= Amanda’s last blog post is here ..Pizza Deal! =-.
I have the same “big boob” problem. BUT, I found a great sports bra and if it can hold my boobs in place I’d be willing to bet it can work for you. I originally saw it on Oprah years ago, and then I found out that it is the bra they use for the more, um, well endowed contestants on Biggest Loser. It’s called Enell. You can google it. I buy mine at a local runners store or online at ladiesonlysports.com. Makes SUCH a difference when the ladies aren’t jiggling!!
Oh my gosh, I actually laughed out loud while reading this entry. Thanks for the fun! You’re a great writer….I’m sharing your site with my friends.
.-= Marlene’s last blog post is here ..Show & Tell Cards & Scrap Pages Challenge =-.
Those last 10 lbs are the hardest. I only have 10 to loose and it is so easy to talk myself out of going on that treadmill.
Boob sweat that is the worst.
I, too, love to watch Biggest Loser.
I, too, wonder where all that extra skin goes.
I, too, experience the boob sweat.
.-= Kearsie’s last blog post is here ..Keyboard Confessions =-.
Here is sit, reading your blog, when I am supposed to be doing my workout….. I decided to have one more Mountain Dew Throwback (you know REAL sugar) before doing it, need that caffeine….
I just started watching TBL at the end of last season, and have to teach cake decorating (could that be a factor?) Tuesday nights so I’m missing most of this season, but do like to watch, I also like that show Hoarders, makes me want to clean.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that wonders where all that skin goes, I mean I know people who have lost lots of weight, and have to have the skin removed.
My dream day at the doctors is a twofer, you know they take the excess from my thighs and gut and add it to my chest. But I too am clumsy, I would probably trip over the new set of girls.
Ok, I’ve delayed enough I’m off to do my workout, then pig out.
.-= Valerie’s last blog post is here ..Lest We Forget =-.
You know how we are like identical twins (with only an ocean separating us!) – we this last few weeks I have started trying jogging! (eeeek!)
I got an app for my iphone – from couch to 5k in 9 weeks.
Just made it to the end of week 2, and can now jog for a whole 2 minutes without the need for resuscitation! I just don’t DO jogging, so the progress so far is nothing short of miraculous!
However, whether I will ever manage to run 5K is debatable.
Also we live near the top of a hill, so no matter what direction I head in, I always have to come back up a hill to get home 🙁
.-= janmary, n ireland’s last blog post is here ..…..There’s More…… =-.
I love your blog! You crack me up. Don’t give up. You can get to your goal. Ugh, I do not even want to go near a scale right now to see how much I need to lose.:P
hang in there Andy. You can do it. If it makes you feel any better I have to excerise inside due to antiboditics.
Stop by my blog for the bows I made.
.-= meanmomdigitalproductions’s last blog post is here ..Bows, and Photo Contest Entery =-.
You crack me up! Where do you come up with this stuff??
.-= Christine (chrispea) Hertel’s last blog post is here ..For your viewing pleasure…. =-.
I’m one of those people for whom the last of the weight doesn’t come off unless I work out about two hours every single day. Grrrrr…..
Yeah, the whole concept of how BL is set up is strange…are you trying to win the game or lose the weight? I don’t watch it ’cause the whole show just makes me more frustrated.
.-= Michele’s last blog post is here ..I Get By with a Little Help from My Planners =-.
I love how you described what you look like when you work out. That is SO me too. I remember once being at the gym, thinking I was all cool jogging on the treadmill until I went to grab my iPhone to find a different song and boom….I totally lost my balance. People pretended not to notice but how could they have NOT noticed?
Anyway, your take on Jillian Michaels is spot on. She’s everywhere these days. I have one of her Wii fitness games and the 30-Day Shred. She’s too nice on the Shred…I wanted her to yell at me and say, “you know what I see every time you stop moving…DEAD MOTHER”.
You crack me up!
.-= Helene’s last blog post is here ..There was a little girl…. =-.
First time stopping by your site…funny stuff! I refer to sweaty boobs as “swoobs”. This concept can be applied for any sweaty body party…swighs, swarm pits, sworehead…I could go on, but they usually get dirtier from there!
Yes! You get on that treadmill just like I will, and, if we break our ankles we will CRAWL on the treadmill! Yes we will!!!
But, oh man, I have all sorts of visuals in my head right now, and I am pretty sure I am gonna have nightmares that involve puppies, tank tops and the Pussycat Dolls…
*crying in the corner*
.-= Insanitykim’s last blog post is here ..I Failed Sex Ed, A-gain… =-.
I sure do know how you feel! I’ve been going to the gym for the last couple of months, and sometimes I just feel like it’s 2 steps forward and one step back. SITS sent me by, and I’m glad they did…
.-= Melissa B.’s last blog post is here ..Mission Impossible =-.
I’m so with you on the Tank Top thing. When they do their weigh-ins I size them up and wonder if I look like that and also why in the world the producers thought it was a good idea to let them wander around in sports bras? If I did that I’m pretty sure someone (probably my mother) would tell me to cover up.
.-= Bethany’s last blog post is here ..Shaken, Not Stirred =-.
I get what you are saying and I agree. Maybe they need to change stuff up for a season. I love seeing the following stuff at the end of the show. Keep up the great treadmill work. I don’t have one because I know I wouldn’t use it. I’m still procrastinating on getting back into my exercise class routine. I hate going out in the winter, with a baby, to exercise, by myself. I do like to complain and whine.
.-= paula @ organizing tips’s last blog post is here ..Get Ready for Tax Season Now =-.
Love The Biggest Loser…i too wonder where the heck does the skin go?
Wow…that was a GREAT post! So funny…laughed out loud about the Ipod, I go through the same thing trying change songs!!! Visiting from SITS…
.-= Rachael’s last blog post is here ..How’s That New Year’s Resolution Treating You? =-.
Isn’t boob sweat the worst? My G cups don’t like it when I run either. I am hoping that when I lose all the weight I want to lose, my G cups will take a permanant hiatus.
It’s really hard to maintain a good figure. We have to do everyday exercises to achieve a healthy body.
.-= Yanilea’s last blog post is here ..Smell Her Sweaty Feet updated Sat Jan 30 2010 12:15 am CST =-.