I think DSL stands for “Doh! Sorry, Loser”

I feel strange.




Don’t you just love that word? I do. Discombobulated. Dis-com-BOB-uuuuuuuuu-lated. I wonder who made it up? It sounds so … I don’t know, scattered? Nonsensical? Almost a little sexy, don’t you think?

I’d say Dr. Seuss made it up, except that the words Dr. Seuss and sexy should never be in the same sentence. Ever.

It describes me to a tee lately. Discombobulated, that is. Well, so do scattered, nonsensical and a little sexy.

Except for the little sexy part.

I’m feeling out of sorts because I’m blogging from a foreign land called My Kids’ Computer. Mine is still recuperating from the catastrophic hard drive failure this past weekend.

Carbonite, my online backup service, is chugging along, restoring my files, and working at a pace known as … hang on, I wrote it down here somewhere … here it is: FOR SHIT’S SAKE, I CAN GROW A THIRD EYE FASTER THAN THIS. WITH CATARACTS AND EVERYTHING.

But that’s not Carbonite’s fault. It’s doing what it’s supposed to do and it’s not Carbonite’s problem that I have 53,000 files to restore and that my DSL connection, which is normally speedy quick, has decided to choose this particular moment to have an identity crisis and channel a slug.

I’d like to give a shout out to Marshall at Carbonite. He checked out my restoration status and told me that all systems were go and that if it weren’t for my schizophrenic DSL connection, I’d be seeing faster progress.

Dear Santa,

I would like a better computer with a faster DSL connection for Christmas.

And a waist.

Love, Andy

When my hard drive has finally been restored, I’m going to celebrate by throwing a wicked awesome party. I just hope my nursing home allows liquor and non prescription drugs, otherwise my great great grandchildren will have to teleport them in for me. I better be senile by then because I fully intend to get trashed and strip and do a pole dance around Nate and this would be a whole lot easier if I did not have to give a flying hoot the next morning, or have to explain myself to Nate when he wakes up from his nap and finds a bunch of dollar bills stuck to his walker. Oh and don’t worry about going blind from the show, there will be shots of eye bleach for everyone! Yay!

Speaking of sloooooooooooooow, my kids’ computer is sooooooooooo damn slllllooooooooowwwwwwww. It runs at a pace known as … wait a sec, I wrote it down … here it is: THIRD EYE? PANSY ASS. I’M GROWING A FOURTH ONE JUST WAITING FOR THIS PAGE TO REFRESH.

Though it may not look like it, I’m typing as fast as I can right now, so please don’t blame me if you age a year or two before finishing this post. Just read slow and savor it, ok?

This hard drive fiasco has caused me to become slightly delusional. I know this because the above statement? It actually makes sense to me.

I don’t have my photos. I don’t have my custom desktop. I don’t have my iTunes. Or my shortcuts to the 3,702 sites I visit on a daily basis, which means I have to manually type out all the urls and that makes me cranky. And tired. And to top it all off, I haven’t opened up Photoshop in a week. One week. My God, do you realize it is entirely possible that I will be blogging about Christmas from a detox facility?

Will Santa even find me there?

I feel stripped down and naked and nothing good ever comes out of me being stripped down naked. Except my kids. But that was with hours and hours of heavy breathing and pushing and sweating. Not to mention that whole labor and delivery deal.

There’s no heavy breathing or pushing going on here, but I have lost a total of 12 pounds due to stress sweat.

I’m thinking of going to Wegmans for some grocery shopping later today, if only to get away from the Carbonite status screen. And to be honest, we do need some food, if my kids’ prone and lifeless bodies splayed across the floor in front of the fridge are any indication.

So if you hear of a naked and discombobulated woman having a complete and total nervous breakdown in aisle 8b because the ziti was not where she last saw it, just know she’s tired of things not being where God intended them to be. That reminds me.

Dear Santa,

I’d like a boob job too.

Love, Andy

Share this post

29 thoughts on “I think DSL stands for “Doh! Sorry, Loser””

  1. Avatar

    You have such a way with words .. ROFL! And thanks for sharing the new word of the week .. discombobulated. Considering my workmates don’t understand the words “no” or “go away”, I can just imagine the looks I’m going to get for discombobulated!
    Best of luck with the recovering of files and surviving the use of the children’s computer!

  2. Avatar

    My gosh, Andy…you can make even a hard drive crash funny! Sorry for your tech woes…funny how dependent we are on our technology. Heaven forbid we have a power outage here, and I am like a raving luniatic!

  3. Avatar

    “Discombobulated” is one of my favorite words. And so is “boob.” You managed to hit my buzzwords at the beginning and end of your post.

    You’re always funny when you’re stressed out about something. I’m sorry that I’m always coming here to laugh at your stress.

  4. Avatar

    LOL – you got me with Dr. Seuss and Sexy – ewe!! Now you got me thinking about dis-com-BOOB-uuuuu-lated – that should be a word too – like especially for those of us who aren’t even on both sides – KWIM??!!

  5. Avatar

    I am so sorry to hear about your computer. I too am in that club. And I didn’t know we were supposed to bring cookies to the meetings! I’ll remember that next time. But I’m glad that you at least have your kids’ computer to write your blogs on, cuz I don’t know what I’d do without you; you make me laugh out loud, and then I send them to my sister & she shares them with her office and they all get a kick out of it. And sometimes I’ll read it for my husband and he laughs and laughs, and then the kids want to know what we’re laughing at, but I don’t tell them. haha They’re teenagers, they don’t tell me nothin, so why should I share with them?

    But I digress: The REAL reason I wrote you is: Have you tried Google Reader to keep track of the blogs/sites you visit? I do, and I have over 400 I keep an eye on (your on the top of the list, just FYI), and anyway, it makes it much easier and it’s stored on the internet so you don’t have to.

    Just thought I’d let you know. Keep your chin up!

  6. Avatar

    Oh I dread the day that this happens to me!! You are so like me in describing what I would feel like if I had not computer. I love your way with words…you are such a crack up! Thanks for the laughs as always.

  7. Avatar

    Oh my friend, I’m hear you!! I just purchased Carbonite and it actually took 21 days for it to back up my computer….I didn’t even think about the prospect of it taking 21 days to restore!! Yikes!! I think I’m going to ask for an external hard drive for Christmas just in case!! Hang in there sweetie!!

  8. Avatar

    ANDY!!! OH NO!! ok this does it! I’m getting a backup service…sometime…when I can **CHOKE** afford it!! Blasted machines!! No wonder you haven’t been on messenger!! I’m (cough) trying to go live BEFORE Christmas :p

    ((hugs)) and you do NOT need a boob job~snort~just you send that $$ to ME for MY boob job 😉

  9. Avatar

    LMAO…. I can just see you checking that progress screen and being disappointed… what is it at now? is there at ETA for all your files?

    oh and does it just dump them (your files) in a big baggie on the door step or do they go back in the right places?

  10. Avatar

    Andy! Andy! Andy! The more I read your blog the more I’ve come to realize that we HAD to be separated at birth! You are also way funny! Way funny! I’ll sssseeeeeeeee yyyyyyyooooouuuuuuu whhhhhheeeeen yyyyoooouuuuur cccooommmmppppuuuttter ssssppppeeeeeddddddssss uuuuuuupppppp!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and wishing me well with BOTH my viruseseseses.

  11. Avatar

    I feel your pain! Computer crashes just get one all out of sorts! This may help in the future…have you heard of google reader? You go to and there you can all all the websites you visit regularly. That’s where I keep your blog. Cool thing is, it’s like a favorites list except you can check it at ANY computer, ANYWHERE. Like I’m doing right now, at work, when I should be working 🙂 Hope this helps! Good luck with your restore. I’ll be interested to see how it all works out. I’m looking at online backup options.

  12. Avatar

    Discombobulated is one of my all time favorite words. Haven’t said it this week ’til NOW. Must say it lots to make up for lost time.

    Speaking of lost time, get AWAY from the computer for awhile. It will get there…

  13. Avatar

    I feel bad for laughing but somehow you always manage to find a funny way to discuss even the crappiest situations!! I had to use my husband’s computer when my crashed and it was dreadful b/c nothing was where I thought it should be and my favorites and bookmarks weren’t there. Totally discombobulated right then!!

  14. Avatar

    Oh man! That………….has…………….to……………….anoying!

    It drives me nuts when my computer is slow. I’m so sorry you’re out of your element, but it seems like you’ll be on your way………….soon………..I………..hope.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *