I think Mother Nature is cheating on Father Time with Old Man Winter

by Creative Junkie on December 8, 2010

Know what happens when Father Time decides he’d like to pass another millennium or two by immersing himself in a midlife crisis? So he spends his days popping Viagra and chasing that tooth fairy hussy around, leaving Mother Nature to tend to the same old same old boring hurricanes, tornadoes and floods?

I’ll tell you what happens. Mother Nature decides she’ll have a midlife crisis of her own and pays Old Man Winter a booty call.

And I wind up shoveling a few dozen tons of their illegitimate spawn off my driveway.

Nate is out of town which means I’m grumpy and not just because I miss him but because I have shoveled this stuff no less than 378 times in the past week. My right arm now hangs two feet longer than my left and I swear to God, if I stopped shaving for a day, the entire right half of my body could pass for a short, grumpy, premenopausal King Kong.

We do own a snow blower. It’s big and orange and evil. Nate once tried to teach me how to use it the right way because apparently, I was using it the wrong way. Using it the wrong way is defined as letting it yank me around like a paddle ball so that the driveway, part of the road and a hefty chunk of the lawn wind up looking like a ransom note carved out of the frozen tundra by a bipolar serial killer.

However, doing it the right way wasn’t very much fun either and that’s because having a behemoth of machinery rip my tendons from my bones while my husband stands in the middle of the driveway shouting out instructions like NOW TURN NORTH 90 DEGREES. NOW TURN SOUTH 90 DEGREES. NEGATIVE! THAT’S NINETY-TWO DEGREES! DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY! AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR NEIGHBOR’S BUSHES is not my idea of fun.

We don’t talk much about that time anymore, except to refer to it as the time when Mommy was sad and the driveway was confused.

It’s only December 8 and I am so over winter already which is really depressing, considering that winter doesn’t even officially start until December 21.

And I know that if it were 90°, I’d be bitching about the heat and humidity and boob sweat but right now I’m making up new swear words to describe the snowplow that just dumped a foot of packed snow at the end of my driveway.

The next time Mother Nature gets horny between December and March, I’d have paid big bucks to ensure that the Heat Miser is bumped up to #1 on her speed dial but thanks to that damn year without a Santa Claus, there’s that whole incest thing so instead, I’d settle for someone pushing Mother Nature head first into menopause and introducing her to a four month long hot flash.




{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Twitter: barbhogan
December 8, 2010 at 9:10 am

“Mother Nature decides she’ll have a midlife crisis of her own and pays Old Man Winter a booty call.” OMG, you are SO funny. And I know that you’re totally over this snow shit ~ been there ~ but you’re still hilarious! I’d shovel you out if I were there. I’m good at it. I’m the only creature with breasts that shovels in my neighborhood.

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tracy December 8, 2010 at 10:43 am

I agree so over the cold and snow. Mind you I would take the snow over the cold anyday. Hate leaving the house this time of year. Ya I may be a Canadian girl, but I am one that only likes the summer.
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Janmary, N Ireland
Twitter: Janmary3
December 8, 2010 at 11:26 am

Snow of any quantity and lasting more than a few hours is still a novelty here – but we have been freezing for almost 2 weeks now.

Snow – I’m over it already!

(but I did get some lovely snowy tree photos in the park today! – will share later)
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stacey@Havoc&Mayhem December 8, 2010 at 12:03 pm

we have the results of a cold, yet so far still barren, relationship here.

Which is just as well because I am not sure where our shovel is, if we even have one. Not that our driveway can be *shoveled*, its much to long for that, the Kubota earns its winter keep by plowing the driveway when needed. But a shovel is needed to get out the door & to the Kubota & then to dig out the cars since we have no garage.

Every winter I fantasize about what life would be like with a garage.

Probably exactly the same as now, only with a garage full of junk.
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Twitter: Gaither
December 8, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Awwww, come on now….that picture is a friggin postcard right there!!! It’s so beautiful….

See, I can say that because we don’t get snow here…it’s raining though, cats and dogs. I hate rain. So I guess we’re both pretty much hating Mother Nature right now.
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Kendall December 8, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Your post is Hilarious!! While we don’t get snow I am a little jealous of your snow LOL!! I sometimes I wish I lived where it snowed but after reading your post I am good with just the rain 🙂
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Amanda @ Confessions From HouseholdSix
Twitter: householdsix
December 8, 2010 at 1:14 pm

I think Mother Nature already has menopause, and unfortunately this is part of it. How else do you explain 60 degrees one week and 30 the next? Granted we didn’t get the snow this time, we got it in February with those 2 back to back storms that dumped 15″+ both times within a week.

And speaking of storms, what is it about husbands being out of town? In February, my husband had to fly out to the west coast inbetween the storms. I had to shovel the 2nd dumping myself.
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Twitter: CarolynRVa
December 8, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I once gave myself a black eye shoveling snow. Don’t ask how. Too embarrassing. Will make for a great future blog post. . .
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Tammy December 8, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Oh, I am so with you! I hate the cold. I hate the heat. There should be a mandatory rest period between the two: at least 6 months of no hotter than 80 degrees, no colder than 50 degrees. If only……….
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Tina Burke
Twitter: tinster67
December 8, 2010 at 11:22 pm

Annndddd…. this is why I moved to Los Angeles.
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Tricia @Nightowlmama December 9, 2010 at 12:56 am

That snow blower I’ mean plow guy ticks me off too.

sometimes you just kill me. LOL
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Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity
Twitter: BabyRocasMama
December 9, 2010 at 1:29 am

Sweetie, Mother Nature IS in menopause. I have actually written about this extensively on my blog. She has hot flashes and tries to fry us over here on the Left Coast. She need HRT NOT a damn booty call!

I would LOVE the snow. I will be 40 in March and I have never seen snow fall. Not ever. Sorry about the snowplow. Did you come up with a good descriptive swear word?
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Lori Stefanac December 9, 2010 at 8:34 am

I’ve never looked at nature quite this way. wow…Mother Nature is such a whore! Who knew! I laughed out loud at the thought of you being tossed around by your snow blower. Those things are scary. Personally, I am unreasonably afraid of large pieces of machinery. The snowblower, the lawnmower, the weed wacker..they all look like they have the potential (and the desire) to maim me. The only machinery I will handle in the house? I’m good with the can open and the coffee maker.
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blueviolet December 9, 2010 at 8:39 am

I swear she does things just to keep us off balance!
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nicóle December 9, 2010 at 9:58 pm

I know what you mean. I keep telling my self…5 more weeks and you’ll be living in Miami over and over and over again…and which point I’ll begin complaining about missing winter and so it goes…

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Jill/Twipply Skwood December 10, 2010 at 8:29 pm

You have a really long driveway. 🙁 🙁 🙁 Very funny post though!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Twitter: armsofasister
December 10, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Twitter: bugsinmyteeth
December 12, 2010 at 8:50 pm

I may have just wet my pants from laughing at that because I too have had the snowblower drag my butt all over the driveway. No fun at all!!
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