If he didn’t actually eat pumpkin, I’d be guilty of slander and libel and writing this post from jail

I may have mentioned once or twenty-five times that I have a twin brother. Tino is one minute older than I and I’m pretty sure this is a result of a little in-utero smackdown that occurred 43 years ago when bragging rights to the title Older Sibling were at stake. And while I have no hard evidence, I’m pretty sure Tino distracted me by sitting on my umbilical cord and cutting off my food supply. While I was busy trying not to starve to death, he budged me and the next thing I knew, Dr. Durfee was shouting CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY! One minute later, Dr. Durfee pulled me out into the world and shouted CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE A STRESSED OUT, TENSE, UNDERWEIGHT BABY GIRL!

And I was all NO SHIT SHERLOCK! TINO’S A BIG FAT CHEATER!

And Tino was all OH SHUT UP, ANDY! YOU LOST FAIR AND SQUARE, YOU BIG CRY BABY.

But all of it came out sounding like WAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAH WAH and no one in the room spoke Pissed Off Infant which is weird because hello? They dealt with newborns all the damn time, they couldn’t tell when one was telling the honest-to-God truth and one was lying through his toothless gums?

In the end, Older Sibling got to go home with Mom and Dad and I had to go into time out in the neonatal unit for several days so that I could calm down, gain weight and think really hard about the choices I made and the consequences of my actions.

Tino flew in from Vegas for our 25th high school reunion this past weekend and I think the last time we had so much fun hanging out together, aside from the afternoon we removed our diapers and spent our nap time smearing feces all over our cribs, walls and each other, was maybe in these pictures? Circa 1970 or thereabouts? The only differences between then and now being that we’re not slamming vodka shots in this photo and I didn’t have a partial carcass of an electrocuted ferret hanging around my neck at the reunion.

Although, I should probably check Facebook just to make sure.

Here we are in second grade. You’ll notice that I have a gaping hole in my mouth and Tino does not. That’s because my tooth was loose and I wanted to put some money away towards retirement so I did the honest, responsible thing which was to tell Dad who then proceeded to tie a string around my tooth and then onto a doorknob and then yank the door open and it was the hardest, bloodiest $0.25 I ever earned. Tino, on the other hand, saw fit to super glue all his baby teeth onto his gums and then let his adult teeth push them out gradually and painlessly and he got the same $0.25 from the Tooth Fairy which he immediately spent by paying Steve Ritter to swallow a live caterpillar.

And I was all WHAT THE HELL, TOOTH FAIRY?

And Tino was all YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, LOSER.

And I was all CHEATER CHEATER FISCALLY IRRESPONSIBLE PUMPKIN EATER.

Who knew this sweet little guyΒ  …

… would one day turn into this sweet big guy?

** We interrupt this blog post for a message from the

Emergency Broadcast System of North Carolina **

Tino is gainfully employed, handsome, polite, funny, outgoing and straight.

He needs to settle down, JESUS CHRRRRIIIIIST.

“Christ” is three syllables and I trill the “R” for no reason other than I can.

All reasonable offers of marriage will be considered, preferably before I die.

Not that he’ll ever be aware of such a deadline, seeing as how

he only calls me once in a blue moon.

Love, his Mom

You would not believe how many people ask me if we are identical twins. At first I’m all HAHAHAHAHAHA and then I realize they’re not drunk or bleeding from blunt force trauma to the head. They’re actually serious. Then I simply flash my boobs and drop trow and ask them to form their own opinion.

You can’t fix stupid, no matter how many times you sneeze estrogen and XX chromosomes all over it.

Tino is not used to kids. I know this because the last time he visited, he decided to make conversation with my then seven year old and thirteen year old by telling them how to throw the best parties for their friends and to make sure they threw them on weekends when their parents weren’t home and most importantly, to return the kegs and get your deposit back and then double check the trees in their yard afterward for any wayward underwear projectiles and I had to choke on a potato chip and do the Heimlich maneuver on myself to distract the future generation of America from a life of juvenile delinquency.

Now whenever Tino visits, the rule is that there are to be no conversations that start with the phrase When I was your age or include the words “kegs,” “underwear,” or “lie your ass off to the cops.”

Tino flew home Sunday and I already miss his cheating pumpkin eating guts.

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39 thoughts on “If he didn’t actually eat pumpkin, I’d be guilty of slander and libel and writing this post from jail”

  1. OH – MY – GOSH!!!!! I mean……GOSH! Ok – so why on earth is he not settled?????

    Oh yeah – married…yep! ME!

    My big bro doesnt know how to do the kid thing either – when he met my son (aged 3 days!) he asked him if he liked garlic and then proceeded to give him a whiff of last nights garlic by blowing it in his face! My son screamed blue murder – a relationship was born!

    Oh but seriously—— Tino is single??????

  2. Love the pics of the two of you when you were younger, esp the one where it looks like you’re supposed to be holding hands but he’s totally blocking your effort!

    Tino is smokin hot…can’t believe he hasn’t been sentenced…oops, I meant, married yet.

  3. ahh…MY TINO πŸ˜€ LOL!! you know that RIGHT?? sigh..what a hunk made even better by seeing the little Tino! You guys were just (and are still) the cutest couple!!

  4. Love the baby pic! I see your mom’s eyebrow arch gene- only in baby form it doesn’t look the least bit threatening, just dang cute.

  5. LOL… I stumbled upon your post by accident and I think it is brilliant. And unless your brother is a closet ax murderer, I’d gladly take him off your hands. Well, the odds are probably stacked against us to live happily ever after, but heck.. just because of the fun of it, I wanted to post.

  6. he got the same $0.25 from the Tooth Fairy which he immediately spent by paying Steve Ritter to swallow a live caterpillar.

    LMFAO that is just wrong HAHA

  7. Ah geez! I needed a good laugh today. What a storyteller you are. HIGH-larious! πŸ˜€
    Hope you find someone for your adorable brother.

  8. does it weird you out that all of us think your brother is HOT?! Maybe I need to divorce adam and make some moves on Tino. To be closer to you, of course. πŸ˜‰

  9. I have to agree with some of the other ladies Tino IS hot…too bad I’m married too! I love all of the old pics too…so precious!

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog!

  10. Well that’s one way to find him a date. LOL

    Some people ask the stupidest questions ever! I can’t believe they ask you if you are identical though.

  11. Ahhh, I had plenty of nights of “lie your ass off to the cops” LOL THAT brought back memories. Tino is HOT – its amazing to me how guys like that stay single for so long… but then, if I could go back… well, anyways, thats a story for a martini, LOL

  12. I hear ya on your brother not staying in touch. I have 3 siblings who only call around xmas or their birthday. ticks me off.

    Lol on your story. TOo funny. Love the old pic’s and sorry to hear your brother is single. I’m sure the right girl is out there for him and hopefully he’ll find her one day.

  13. OK, your brother is seriously a hottie, but he looks so much like you it would be very weird to date him. Plus, since I live in Atlanta, it would be a really tough commute. Otherwise, I’d be all over him like a cheap suit…

  14. Great post and what a cute brother πŸ™‚ I was laughing when you were talking about how he talks to the kids. My brtothers are always saying stupid crap like that to my oldest too. I’m like if I ever catch you actually giving my 16 year old alcohol I think I might have to kill you!

  15. First of all, YOU are a WONDERFUL writer. And if the universe has any sense of justice, I bet Tino sucks as a writer.

    Secondly, I’m not gonna lie. Tino’s hot. Not just lukewarm either. Legitimately hot. It’s a good thing I’m married because Atlanta isn’t far from NC and I have a lead foot. I’m just sayin…

    Thirdly, I thought my friend was overstating the “Are they identical?” question she gets asked about her boy/girl twins. Seriously??? My retort would be “YES! They are identical except for the penis” accompanied by a look that clearly finishes the sentence with a silent “you dumbass”. Oy.

  16. He is a hottie. πŸ˜‰

    Loved the story and the pictures. Sounds like the relationship my brother and I have…only we’re 6 years apart and don’t look like identical (geez-goobers) twins. He does try to tell my kiddos things they really shouldn’t know. Brothers are good for that. I bet you two had fun (and hell) growing up!!

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