If the apple hails from Fruit of the Loom, will it still keep the doctor away? How about a vet?

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, I was a senior paralegal to a senior partner in a prestigious law firm.

I took at least an hour to dress myself up in pantyhose, power suits, high heels, make-up, jewelry, contact lenses, hairspray and perfume.

I drove into the big city.

I supervised five or more support staff.

I “did” lunch.

I “took” calls.

I signed my name in ink.

Then I was gifted with my second child.

After that, I took five minutes or less to dress myself in baggy sweats or whatever was hanging off my bed that didn’t smell.

I drove to the grocery store, then home, then back to the store, then back home, times ten million.

I had no staff.

I made lunch but don’t ever remember eating it.

I prayed for calls.

I signed my name in glitter glue.

As my girls grew older and more independent, I dreamed of nicer clothes, an actual hairstyle, shoes that didn’t *thwack* when I walked and, in general, a life. Preferably one that was not focused around bowel movements.

Then I was gifted with a puppy named Oliver who had a bladder the size of a freckle and bowels the size of eggplants.

Now I don’t get dressed until 10:00 a.m., or I determine exactly where Oliver has hoarded every single pair of undies in the entire house, whichever comes first.

I have no staffers because they’re in school. Which is a convenient cop-out if you ask me.

I drive myself crazy and back because I spend half my time taking Ollie outside to potty and the other half spritzing Nature’s Miracle behind the couch because he accidentally-on-purpose did the very thing back there that I just waited outside twenty minutes for him to do. WHAT.THE HELL.

I make lunch so that Ollie can leap small furniture in a single bound to snarf it up the second I blink.


I don’t sign my name anymore because all of our writing utensils, no matter how rudimentary, have been relocated to the general vicinity of Oliver’s intestines, together with my cell phone recharger, a USB cable, my INXS cd and the front of my brand new left gladiator sandal.



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42 thoughts on “If the apple hails from Fruit of the Loom, will it still keep the doctor away? How about a vet?”

  1. Avatar

    OH DEAR! But he’s so C.U.T.E!!! – But seriously, this is why we only adopt adult dogs! Have you tried bitter apple spray to go on the things (besides undies) that he likes to chew on? I WAS once suckered into getting a puppy (basset – GREAT chewers!) and I used that and it helped on things in the house. He Still chewed up all the garden hoses! But he left shoes etc alone after that. Can you block the ends of the couch so he can’t get back there? IF he lives, <>, he will out grow all that.
    Have fun!

    1. Avatar

      I do have bitter apple but it’s very likely that I will have to spray *everything* with it as Ollie seems to have ADD and moves from one thing to another at the speed of light. And then he drags whatever he’s got to his laire underneath the couch – which has something like a 3.5 inch clearance. It’s like he’s a seven pound furry hoarder or something.

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        At least you know where he stashes everything so you can find it. I have no idea where my kids hide some things, and sometimes it’s months before we find it again.

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    I’m with Marlene….grateful that we adopted an adult dog. About the only thing she’s interested in chewing are rib eye bones. Can’t really blame her!

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    Ollie is adorable! But like Marlene I only deal with adult dogs. Kittens I can totally cope with but puppies are like infants only far far more mobile. The boys used to get into the bathroom cupboards and empty out my box of maxi pads, so the dinosaurs could have beds to lay on. That was traumatic enough, I think I would lose it if my dog ate tampons. 🙂

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    I’m sorry he seems to have so many behavioral problems–that’s annoying, besides the fact that he’s so cute! We were fortunate that Tycho never seemed to latch onto forbidden things. He also has clear limits about where he can and can’t go in the house–we started that early, knowing he’d be a large dog and not welcome in the bedrooms or bathroom. Or on any of the furniture. Maybe you should just put a kitty litter pan behind the couch!

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    What else could you use for blog fodder than your adorable-eat-everything-and-wee-everywhere dog?

    Do you miss glitter glue? I had hoped, having a boy now, that I could finally say goodbye to glitter glue, but yesterday we got to use it again for sparkly sand on an ocean picture for his homework – deep joy! Don’t you think by now someone could have created a quick-drying-not-get-everywhere glitter glue?

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    What about rolling up towels (like those “snakes” people use to keep drafts from coming in under doors) and barricaded the undersides of the couches off that way?

    Another thought: cats haaaaaaaate with a capital H A T E the feeling of tin foil under their pwecious wittle paws, so an effective “don’t go there” type deterrent for cats is to put tin foil down on wherever it is you don’t want them. I have done this successfully to keep cats off countertops and out of the kid’s crib when she was but a burbling babe. I have no idea if it is as effective a deterrent for dogs, but it might be worth a shot? One extra box of Reynold’s wrap = priceless if it keeps the poo from piling up, no? (And then once it isn’t needed anymore, you’re totally good to go with making the protective headwear to keep the aliens/Big Brother/Fox News from reading your thoughts, so win-win!)

    Lastly, have you tried the Feliway for dogs I think I sent you a link for at one point….? Again, I have no experience with the canine version but the feline version helped with our crazy cat.

    Really truly lastly, Oliver is still ridonkulously adorable, even with a pair of undies on his head. I have a few pairs I could donate to his collection but I’m afraid he’d get lost in them, nudge nudge, wink wink, bock-bock-bock-ba-kah! 😉

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    I am still a paralegal, albeit unemployed. In none of my jobs have I ever been able to even ask the secretary for anything, much less supervise 5 people. Where the hell did you work?!?

    I HATE wearing pantyhose. It’s evil. I resent even having to put an a bra. If I could stay home an play with Oliver all day and wear sweats, I would rejoice. You have it EASY, my friend.

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    I just spent waaaaaaaaaaay longer than I care to admit looking for my blog post(s) on how much my cats love eating tampons. It was a useless attempt and I got tired of looking. Apparently I need a category on tampons or cats eating tampons so those post(s) would be easy to find! Although, I have to admit that I haven’t actually needed those posts up until now.

    But I TOTALLY need them now! Because Oliver would LOVE my cats!!!! They’d get along so well because of the tampon eating thing they already have in common!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Aw, stop picking on him! Look at that beautiful puppy! I’m sure he’s too innocent to do all those things!

    NOT! I have a gangly oaf of a puppy here, doing many of these things too! But she melts my heart…

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    Oliver is just sooo cute. Almost cute enough to make me want to get a puppy. Almost.

    Then I remembered the tampon thing and felt a bit queasy. So, no. Not going there. 😉

    (By the way, I’ve worn my awesome new Harry Mason earrings a few times, and every time I go out, I get compliments on them!)

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    Oh how I love your Oliver posts! This is too funny, as just today the lawn maintenance guy brought me FOUR pairs of panties he found while cutting our yard that apparently one of our mongrels escaped with since he was here LAST week. *sigh*

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    I love the undies pic! I had a small dog as a child that ate lots of undies. He likes to drag them out and fling them infront of boys when I was in junior high. Or course that was the worst thing that could ever happen!

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    I feel your pain. Or.. the pain you FELT. I have no life as a parent. I’m home ALL DAY every day. I hate it. But it works for me. 🙂

    And your dog is cute. 🙂 It looks sexeh in undies. HAHA

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    He’s awfully cute though. And he sounds like he has the same kind of appetite as my 9 month old girl. They should get together over a lunch of fabric and paper- best friends forever!

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