I just seeded a pomegranate by beating the snot out of it with a tenderizer mallet and now my hands and kitchen look like I skinned and gutted a tall human being. Just to clarify, I have neither skinned nor gutted a tall human being, even though he deserved it because he ate the Christmas Eve cheese that I specifically told him not to. Note to self: ask Santa for a biometric lock with built-in- facial recognition for our fridge.
I need a break from cooking so I’m going to take this opportunity to share with you a little Christmas story, courtesy of my mother-in-law. Did you know she once gave plant clippings to everyone for Christmas? Neither did I. Want to know what kind of plant it was?
A wandering jew.
You gotta love her. And suddenly, her son makes so much more sense to me.
~ A little Christmas Story ~
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Have a very merry Christmas, everyone!