I’m still here. Kind of.

It’s been a couple of months now since my life was decimated by an F5 tornado.

Figuratively, I mean. Not literally. We typically don’t have tornadoes in my neck of the western New York woods. However, we did have a freak earthquake here the other week! But I didn’t really notice it. Well, I should say, I didn’t really appreciate it for what it was. I mean, I felt the earth move and everything but I assumed it was due to me shoving a vat of Nutella down my throat at the time.

When I say Nutella rocks my world, I am not blowing smoke up your fanny.

So, it’s been a couple of months since my world was upheaved and I still feel kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz except Dorothy wasn’t a forty-four year old mom unless she was hoarding her lost virginity, some Botox and an illegitimate child or two under Toto in that basket. And speaking of Toto, he wasn’t named Oliver and probably wouldn’t brave a funnel cloud to chase down a flying couch to the ends of the earth just so he could poop behind it out of sheer spite.

Is upheaved a word? It should be.

I’m still busy picking up the pieces of my life and trying to make sense of it all. I wish I could be one of those bloggers who can spew butterflies and rainbows and glitter all over her blog during a personal crisis, but I’m not. I also wish I could be the kind of blogger who bitches, moans and complains about the suckfest that has become her personal life all over her blog but I’m not.

OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE, FINE. I do bitch about stuff. And moan. And complain all the goddamn time a bit.

And seeing as how I did wax poetic about a thong recently and seeing as how that same thong is currently residing atop a stinky basket called I WILL PAY SOMEONE ONE MILLION DOLLARS TO WASH THIS, I guess you could technically argue that I have aired my dirty laundry on this blog.

I have always relied on humor to help carry me through difficult times but recently, I’ve been hard pressed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and rise above my own sorrow long enough to sit my ass back down and write about the funny, and this really blows because there are funny things to write about, even if some of them weren’t funny at the time or are mixed with equal parts heartbreak. Like, say, being in my forties and finding myself single parenting two for weeks/months/who-the-hell-knows-how-long-at-this-point, which, as it turns out, is a whole lot more exhausting than single parenting one in my thirties. And Zoe getting a job at McDonalds and buying ugly-ass Herman Munster shoes. And me landing my first job in the outside world in over eleven years only to suffer a cold sore, bladder infection and lice, YES I SAID LICE ARE YOU ITCHY YET, during my first week. And so on.

I hope to soon write about those things and more.

Just bear with me as I regroup and get back to a first name basis with my laptop. And if anybody’s got a spare pair of bootstraps lying around, I’ll take ’em.

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60 thoughts on “I’m still here. Kind of.”

  1. I don’t think the lice are funny. That had to be pure suckage. But Zoe working at McD’s and buying Herman Munster shoes has to be funny. Especially if they reside next to last year’s prom shoes in her closet.

  2. Darlin’ you’ve got some bootstraps around there somewhere, probably under that stinky laundry. Do what needs to be done, come kvetch here when you need to, come shake your head and laugh when you need to. I have every confidence that you’ll figure out how to do this, and come out on top.

  3. I just discovered the derivation of the term “lousy” recently. What a terribly “lousy”x10 time you’ve had! I wish I could find you some bootstraps. I was hoping that this would not be the reason you requiring them. {{hugs}}

  4. I’m still thinking of you. I know of what suckage you speak. And all I can say is, you will make it. As soon as I find that extra pair of bootstraps, I’ll send them your way.

    Many hugs & much love.

  5. Hi Andy! So great to see you pop up. I wish I was a blogger reader that gives you great big squishy hugs filled with sunshine and rainbows but I am not. If I was I would certainly send them to you! Keep on going and for god’s sake come back soon and give us a something great to chuckle at, you are missed!

  6. Glad to see you’re hanging in there. You’re a mom and that’s what moms do, “Kick ass until they get the results they want!” Or are those Ninja Turtles? But anywhoo honey, sometimes life sends you bull—it to sift through but I’m convinced that when it is all over, God definitely has some blessing with your name on them.

  7. Andy, only you seem to be able to take a life full of suckage and still manage to turn it into a funny blog post. Lice and everything. Word of advice, don’t pull yourself up by your thong. Instant wedgie.

    Keep going, you’re doing great!

    Hugs and love to my favorite blogger!

    Carolyn

  8. If you’re over the lice, cold sore, bladder infection, et cetera, I’d be happy to pop by and lend you some of my bootstraps. Just remember, mine are blue and red paisley. Also: roomy.

    Call me! Text me! Roll up a note in your thong and slingshot it to my house! Okay, maybe not that last one. But holler at me or whatever the kids these days say. I don’t know what kids these days say, but all *my* kid says is big huge dramatic sighWhatEVER, so I guess I could go with that.

    So, call me, text me, whatEVER! (Except the thong-note-slingshot.)

    PS – I have the premiere ep of Anderson’s show on my DVR – we could have a viewing party…… 🙂

    1. We all need to catch up. It’s a shame you girls aren’t drinking, cuz I could really go with that. But cupcakes work tto. Okaay, FINE, salad. Hummpf. But I too have ANderson on my DVR. In. my bedroom, lol.

  9. Andi, I know what you are going thru. Alot of it. If you need someone to talk to..that’s doesn’t really “know you”…you can email, pmail me anytime.
    ie..cindyupnorth

  10. Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.

  11. I’m sorry you have been dropped kicked through the goal post of life. You will come out of it stronger.

    In the mean time, find people to laugh at. Best therapy ever.

  12. Hugs and good thoughts coming your way… Holler if you need anything. Well, not literally because I tend to block out loud noises now that my 10 y.o. is listening to hip-hop… But you know what I mean.

  13. Can’t give you bootstraps, can give you love and prayers.
    I firmly believe that we will see the good things of the Lord and laughter will be all around!

  14. Andrea, I don’t know you in person like some of these others do, but I wish you the best as you dog-paddle to the side. Most of us have stuff we are dealing with – your struggles are probably bigger than many. We don’t know how strong we are until strong is the only option left. You seem mighty strong.

    As a private person myself I appreciate your refusal to air your dirty laundry.
    Hang in there. You still have much to be grateful for.

  15. LICE?? ‘k now kiddo…if anyone can do LICE you can!! LOL!! No not funny I know..however I know YOU can make lice funny if anyone can! Can’t wait to talk. We have lots of catching up to do. After all we started our “out side the home” jobs at the same time!

    ?

  16. You have definitely been dealt a sucky hand, but if there’s one thing I know it’s that you’re strong as can be and you are going to find your funny bone soon!

  17. Sounds like we are both getting dealt a sucky hand lately. But I’m under the impression we are both too damned mean to not come out of this doing just fine. Good to see you!

  18. Herman Munster shoes are funny. Everything else….well, not so much. My heart is breaking for you, I sure wish I was closer and could really help out, even if it was to just supply you with gallons of cheap wine. Love you! <3

  19. Ummm…. I don’t think you need the bootstraps, you’ll be fine. How do I know? Because you took the reigns and took control of your life….went back in the work force after all that time when you could have wallowed and hid in your house. The funny will come…I bet it will be healing! Can’t wait!

  20. You will find your funny back! And when you do, I can not wait to hear about this lice story. I know you will be able to spin it better than anyone. We are hear for you if you need to talk, or vent, or even cry.

  21. I’m so glad you are still posting and I hope you find your groove soon. It’s amazing that you can have me laughing when I know that you’ve had it rough lately. Congratulations on your new job!

  22. Love reading your blog, find you hilarious but completely get that some days you just don’t have funny in you. I survived the implosion of a 26 year marriage due to infidelity and I am here to tell you that it does get better. I have been single now almost 6 years and I feel like a new woman. Whatever you are dealing with, it WILL get better. It sure the hell won’t feel like it some days but hang in there. Good luck and I vote for wrapping the lice in the thong and tossing the whole shebang. 😉

  23. I don’t have bootstraps, but I do have Nutella.. Surely that will hold you over.. I mean at least you’d get up to get a spoon; you do use a spoon right? Or at we at the point of licking out of the jar? At any rate, I am looking forward to you getting back to things. Take the time to heal and get yourself on track. We miss you and we love you, but we want YOU. 😉 <3

  24. It is great that you find humor in things happening in your life. A trait worth the admiration. I am sure you’ll find a solution in all of your dilemmas. Good luck on the stinky laundry and lice problem.

  25. Ugh lice are awful. I had them as a kid and wish them upon no one. It isn’t like you weren’t already dealing with enough right? {Hugs} and just know we are always here for you!

  26. Hi, I only just stumbled upon your blog and I am sorry that the time I chose to find you is during a bad time. I am sorry you are having a poo time… and being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world… my hat goes off to you. My Mother is a single parent and I am sure you cope just as fantastically as she did. I am a nanny and I look after 2 kids solo for 10 hours a day so I have a sneak peek into the world of parenting and I don’t know how you single mummies do it. Bravo! 🙂

    p.s. I am loving your work

    Elle xo

  27. I must really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Good luck on the stinky laundry and lice problem.hehehe..You make me laugh!

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