I’m still here. Kind of.

It’s been a couple of months now since my life was decimated by an F5 tornado.

Figuratively, I mean. Not literally. We typically don’t have tornadoes in my neck of the western New York woods. However, we did have a freak earthquake here the other week! But I didn’t really notice it. Well, I should say, I didn’t really appreciate it for what it was. I mean, I felt the earth move and everything but I assumed it was due to me shoving a vat of Nutella down my throat at the time.

When I say Nutella rocks my world, I am not blowing smoke up your fanny.

So, it’s been a couple of months since my world was upheaved and I still feel kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz except Dorothy wasn’t a forty-four year old mom unless she was hoarding her lost virginity, some Botox and an illegitimate child or two under Toto in that basket. And speaking of Toto, he wasn’t named Oliver and probably wouldn’t brave a funnel cloud to chase down a flying couch to the ends of the earth just so he could poop behind it out of sheer spite.

Is upheaved a word? It should be.

I’m still busy picking up the pieces of my life and trying to make sense of it all. I wish I could be one of those bloggers who can spew butterflies and rainbows and glitter all over her blog during a personal crisis, but I’m not. I also wish I could be the kind of blogger who bitches, moans and complains about the suckfest that has become her personal life all over her blog but I’m not.

OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE, FINE. I do bitch about stuff. And moan. And complain all the goddamn time a bit.

And seeing as how I did wax poetic about a thong recently and seeing as how that same thong is currently residing atop a stinky basket called I WILL PAY SOMEONE ONE MILLION DOLLARS TO WASH THIS, I guess you could technically argue that I have aired my dirty laundry on this blog.

I have always relied on humor to help carry me through difficult times but recently, I’ve been hard pressed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and rise above my own sorrow long enough to sit my ass back down and write about the funny, and this really blows because there are funny things to write about, even if some of them weren’t funny at the time or are mixed with equal parts heartbreak. Like, say, being in my forties and finding myself single parenting two for weeks/months/who-the-hell-knows-how-long-at-this-point, which, as it turns out, is a whole lot more exhausting than single parenting one in my thirties. And Zoe getting a job at McDonalds and buying ugly-ass Herman Munster shoes. And me landing my first job in the outside world in over eleven years only to suffer a cold sore, bladder infection and lice, YES I SAID LICE ARE YOU ITCHY YET, during my first week. And so on.

I hope to soon write about those things and more.

Just bear with me as I regroup and get back to a first name basis with my laptop. And if anybody’s got a spare pair of bootstraps lying around, I’ll take ’em.

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Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Amanda - September 12, 2011

I don’t think the lice are funny. That had to be pure suckage. But Zoe working at McD’s and buying Herman Munster shoes has to be funny. Especially if they reside next to last year’s prom shoes in her closet.

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Lynsey Jones - September 12, 2011

Sooo love you and can not WAIT until you are “back at it” again. Much love to you friend!

And… I am sure that you can make even the topic of lice deliriously funny.

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SWJenn - September 12, 2011

Darlin’ you’ve got some bootstraps around there somewhere, probably under that stinky laundry. Do what needs to be done, come kvetch here when you need to, come shake your head and laugh when you need to. I have every confidence that you’ll figure out how to do this, and come out on top.

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Kristin - September 12, 2011

If you find bootstraps, would you please share? I too, am drowning in the suckage. Want to catch up and look for the funny?

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esther_a - September 12, 2011

I just discovered the derivation of the term “lousy” recently. What a terribly “lousy”x10 time you’ve had! I wish I could find you some bootstraps. I was hoping that this would not be the reason you requiring them. {{hugs}}

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Beth - September 12, 2011

I’m still thinking of you. I know of what suckage you speak. And all I can say is, you will make it. As soon as I find that extra pair of bootstraps, I’ll send them your way.

Many hugs & much love.

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stacey@Havoc&Mayhem - September 12, 2011

How did you get lice at work? I thought they were confined to the heads of grade schoolers.

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KateC - September 12, 2011

We’re here waiting patiently…we get it. And lice? Really? Gotta go wash my hair…bye!

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Ann - September 12, 2011

Even in the “suckage” of your life, you are still hysterical. So glad to see you post.

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Jen - September 12, 2011

I feel you on the lice, we dealt with it last year. Things will get better, even though it doesn’t seem like it, it will.

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Scraps - September 12, 2011

Man, it really sucks when life goes pear-shaped and I’m really sorry you’re having to go through all this right now.

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Lor - September 12, 2011

Hi Andy! So great to see you pop up. I wish I was a blogger reader that gives you great big squishy hugs filled with sunshine and rainbows but I am not. If I was I would certainly send them to you! Keep on going and for god’s sake come back soon and give us a something great to chuckle at, you are missed!

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Ruth - September 12, 2011

Thanks for the lightness you bring to our days … hope it boomerangs back to you soon!

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Tina Burke - September 12, 2011

Big hugs. That’s all I can offer, but they are offered freely and consistantly.

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Heather T. - September 12, 2011

Lice?!? OHMYGOD. Stop trying on other people’s hats, eh?

So glad to see you pop up in my reader this morning, though! Hi! =)

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Rocky - September 12, 2011

Glad to have a update of sorts! Reading between the lines,here for you whenever! Hang in there!

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Yogi - September 12, 2011

Glad to see you’re hanging in there. You’re a mom and that’s what moms do, “Kick ass until they get the results they want!” Or are those Ninja Turtles? But anywhoo honey, sometimes life sends you bull—it to sift through but I’m convinced that when it is all over, God definitely has some blessing with your name on them.

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Carolyn - September 12, 2011

Andy, only you seem to be able to take a life full of suckage and still manage to turn it into a funny blog post. Lice and everything. Word of advice, don’t pull yourself up by your thong. Instant wedgie.

Keep going, you’re doing great!

Hugs and love to my favorite blogger!

Carolyn

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Heather @ nobody-but-yourself - September 12, 2011

If you’re over the lice, cold sore, bladder infection, et cetera, I’d be happy to pop by and lend you some of my bootstraps. Just remember, mine are blue and red paisley. Also: roomy.

Call me! Text me! Roll up a note in your thong and slingshot it to my house! Okay, maybe not that last one. But holler at me or whatever the kids these days say. I don’t know what kids these days say, but all *my* kid says is big huge dramatic sighWhatEVER, so I guess I could go with that.

So, call me, text me, whatEVER! (Except the thong-note-slingshot.)

PS – I have the premiere ep of Anderson’s show on my DVR – we could have a viewing party…… 🙂

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    kristin - September 13, 2011

    We all need to catch up. It’s a shame you girls aren’t drinking, cuz I could really go with that. But cupcakes work tto. Okaay, FINE, salad. Hummpf. But I too have ANderson on my DVR. In. my bedroom, lol.

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Rebel Chick Jenn - September 12, 2011

We love you, and we will be here waiting for you. Take your time. xo xo

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    Rachel - September 18, 2011

    This. And I hope you bought extra Nutella after the lice… Blech. Hate those things!

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cindy - September 12, 2011

Andi, I know what you are going thru. Alot of it. If you need someone to talk to..that’s doesn’t really “know you”…you can email, pmail me anytime.
ie..cindyupnorth

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charline - September 12, 2011

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.

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Joanna - September 13, 2011

I’m sorry you have been dropped kicked through the goal post of life. You will come out of it stronger.

In the mean time, find people to laugh at. Best therapy ever.

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sarah - September 13, 2011

hugs and prayers. Herman munster shoes made me giggle!

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Mary Ann - September 13, 2011

Hugs and good thoughts coming your way… Holler if you need anything. Well, not literally because I tend to block out loud noises now that my 10 y.o. is listening to hip-hop… But you know what I mean.

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Bethany Larrabee - September 13, 2011

Big Hugs Andy…we all know how much you rock. I hope the hurt subsides soon and you can release the funny again!

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Granny Sue - September 13, 2011

Can’t give you bootstraps, can give you love and prayers.
I firmly believe that we will see the good things of the Lord and laughter will be all around!

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Amy Kinnaird - September 13, 2011

Andrea, I don’t know you in person like some of these others do, but I wish you the best as you dog-paddle to the side. Most of us have stuff we are dealing with – your struggles are probably bigger than many. We don’t know how strong we are until strong is the only option left. You seem mighty strong.

As a private person myself I appreciate your refusal to air your dirty laundry.
Hang in there. You still have much to be grateful for.

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Martha - September 13, 2011

LICE?? ‘k now kiddo…if anyone can do LICE you can!! LOL!! No not funny I know..however I know YOU can make lice funny if anyone can! Can’t wait to talk. We have lots of catching up to do. After all we started our “out side the home” jobs at the same time!

?

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Lindsay - September 13, 2011

You have definitely been dealt a sucky hand, but if there’s one thing I know it’s that you’re strong as can be and you are going to find your funny bone soon!

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Shannon - September 13, 2011

Sounds like we are both getting dealt a sucky hand lately. But I’m under the impression we are both too damned mean to not come out of this doing just fine. Good to see you!

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Felicia Stevenson - September 14, 2011

I so feel your pain, I’ve so been there. Check out my blog for posts about my own struggles with anxiety and depression.

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Barb - September 15, 2011

Herman Munster shoes are funny. Everything else….well, not so much. My heart is breaking for you, I sure wish I was closer and could really help out, even if it was to just supply you with gallons of cheap wine. Love you! <3

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Marianna - September 15, 2011

I am so sorry you are going through all of this crap. You don’t deserve it. And Lice? Bleh. Did you get lice from your job?

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Annie @ Mama Dweeb - September 15, 2011

You have friends here Andy that are ready to give you a hug, a laugh or shed a tear with your posts when you write them again. Take your time, take care of YOU.

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Rebel Chick Jenn - September 15, 2011

Lice are the bane of my existence. I wish there was a lice-removal service we could call when our kids come home with them!

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Meg - September 15, 2011

Ummm…. I don’t think you need the bootstraps, you’ll be fine. How do I know? Because you took the reigns and took control of your life….went back in the work force after all that time when you could have wallowed and hid in your house. The funny will come…I bet it will be healing! Can’t wait!

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Debbie Gabura - September 15, 2011

We are all here for you – I have missed you and your lovely twist on things. I too have survived single motherhood – it does suck but it does get better.

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Shop with Me Mama (Kim) - September 16, 2011

Surprised someone in your house got LICE!! You won’t even share hats! LOL! I am sorry hon 🙁 I hope things get better, they HAVE to, right? You are in my thoughts girl, HUGS.

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Kathy - September 16, 2011

You will find your funny back! And when you do, I can not wait to hear about this lice story. I know you will be able to spin it better than anyone. We are hear for you if you need to talk, or vent, or even cry.

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Kathy - September 17, 2011

Your “bootstrap” is your writing and no one can take that away from you. Have missed your posts…

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Whitney - September 17, 2011

I’m so glad you are still posting and I hope you find your groove soon. It’s amazing that you can have me laughing when I know that you’ve had it rough lately. Congratulations on your new job!

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Cindy W. - September 18, 2011

Love reading your blog, find you hilarious but completely get that some days you just don’t have funny in you. I survived the implosion of a 26 year marriage due to infidelity and I am here to tell you that it does get better. I have been single now almost 6 years and I feel like a new woman. Whatever you are dealing with, it WILL get better. It sure the hell won’t feel like it some days but hang in there. Good luck and I vote for wrapping the lice in the thong and tossing the whole shebang. 😉

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Tricia Night Owl Mama - September 20, 2011

Ewwww lice Good god girl. Ick. and yes I’m itchng I hate them little buggers

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Bobbie - September 20, 2011

I don’t have bootstraps, but I do have Nutella.. Surely that will hold you over.. I mean at least you’d get up to get a spoon; you do use a spoon right? Or at we at the point of licking out of the jar? At any rate, I am looking forward to you getting back to things. Take the time to heal and get yourself on track. We miss you and we love you, but we want YOU. 😉 <3

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Janice - September 21, 2011

great post thanks for sharing this with us i am so happy i heard Nutella i love nutella ever..

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Betty - September 21, 2011

It is great that you find humor in things happening in your life. A trait worth the admiration. I am sure you’ll find a solution in all of your dilemmas. Good luck on the stinky laundry and lice problem.

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Kathleen - September 22, 2011

Ugh lice are awful. I had them as a kid and wish them upon no one. It isn’t like you weren’t already dealing with enough right? {Hugs} and just know we are always here for you!

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Rachel - Following In My Shoes - September 26, 2011

How are things going this week, Andy?

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Elle - September 26, 2011

Hi, I only just stumbled upon your blog and I am sorry that the time I chose to find you is during a bad time. I am sorry you are having a poo time… and being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world… my hat goes off to you. My Mother is a single parent and I am sure you cope just as fantastically as she did. I am a nanny and I look after 2 kids solo for 10 hours a day so I have a sneak peek into the world of parenting and I don’t know how you single mummies do it. Bravo! 🙂

p.s. I am loving your work

Elle xo

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Penelope - September 26, 2011

Andy, I miss you! Come back!!

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Toni @ A Daily Dose - September 27, 2011

I found you from momdot, and this is my first time reading about what all is going on . I am so sorry you had such a rough go of things and I truly hope they are looking up.

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Beth - September 28, 2011

It’s a line line between comedy and tragedy – you are walking that line very well. Thanks for making me laugh and wince!

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Michelle J - October 6, 2011

Oh wow that totally sucks! I don’t have an extra pair of bootstraps, but when I find a spare I’ll send them your way!

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jewel - October 7, 2011

I must really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Good luck on the stinky laundry and lice problem.hehehe..You make me laugh!

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Kelly - October 20, 2011

((Hugs)) I hope things are getting more bearable as the days go by.

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Anne - November 6, 2011

hope things get better soon

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