You see those guys hanging out in my sidebar over there? They’re my sponsors. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to keep this blog running which, let me tell you, is an enormous operation comprised of sitting on my ass 28 hours a day, avoiding any and all physical activity, and writing captivating posts whereby I enthrall you with my wit and verbosity. And I ask you, if I can’t do that, then what in God’s name is my purpose here on this earth? So, I’d like to take a moment to thank them.
My family, on the other hand, would like to have a word with my sponsors privately. Right after they file their 98th missing person’s report on me which, strangely enough, always coincides with the moment they run out of clean undies.
My ass would simply like my sponsors to be in awe of its girth, since they have contributed to it immensely.
First up, a big thank you to Harry Mason, who is responsible for helping ears all over the world have orgasms. If you have no idea what I’m talking about and think that the Big O is reserved only for body parts due south, click his ad to visit his shop and get yourself schooled. Oh, and when you click his ad? You’ll find a $5 coupon code patiently waiting for you. Gorgeous ears, an orgasm and a discount? WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?
Next, a big thank you to Designs By Jessie. She makes things look pretty, things like your camera and your cell phone and that hideously ugly ID badge your company or school or whoever’s-in-charge makes you wear around your neck. And … she’s offering a $4 discount on your first order. Just enter the code CREATIVEJUNKIE4 at checkout – good through November 8 so, hurry up and buy me something! But act like you didn’t just read that because I love to be surprised.
Last, a big thank you to UPrinting.com. I tried out their printing services after I won 500 free business cards in one of their sponsored giveaways a couple of months ago. After I spent twenty minutes jumping up and down my office because I NEVER WIN ANYTHING EVER, I sat down and created my business card in Photoshop from scratch because I am genetically incapable of using a template. Then I uploaded it to their site, clicked submit and a few days later, I was staring at some pretty nifty business cards in my hands. Great color and quality. And then, because I am me and thusly feel compelled to ruin anything and everything, I screwed it all up by redesigning my blog. Now I must order new business cards because if my cards do not coordinate with my blog, my world will implode, leaving me naked, alone and delusional. It’s entirely possible no one will be able to discern the last one.
Let’s give them all a hearty round of applause, shall we?
*clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap*
If any of you out there would like to hang out in my sidebar with these guys for awhile because (1) you are simply overwhelmed by my awesomeness; (2) you too have freakishly pointy elbows and feel like I’m a kindred spirit; or (3) you’ve got nothing better to do, please contact me. If you have any questions, ask away. Oh, and please feel free to phrase your question in the form of a popular children’s song while playing fast and loose with the lyrics and I will answer it quickly and succinctly. For example:
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o’er your shoulder?
Like a continental soldier?
Do your boobs hang low?