Last night, Nate and I went out for a quick bite to eat and then embarked upon our mission and when I say “our” mission, I mean mine. Nate doesn’t have any missions to speak of, unless you count getting me to keep my Honda Accord clean and really, that’s not so much a mission as it is a delusion. Just ask any mother who spends her days shuffling multiple kids around, some of whom she didn’t even give birth to.
My mission last night was to find some big, pretty bottles of infused oil or vinegar or vodka or any kind of liquid. I don’t care what the liquids are because I have no intention of drinking them or eating them or cooking with them or doing anything with them other than staring at them as they sit atop the shelf above my kitchen sink, in front of my kitchen window. I want to get lost in their color and complexity and be distracted to the point that I am physically incapable of doing the dishes piled up in the sink.
And if these bottles can do that, I fully intend to cover every inch of my laundry room with them.
So really, the type of liquid doesn’t matter. Well, except for pee. I don’t want bottles of infused pee. Let’s be clear on that.
Does anyone know what I’m talking about?
Something along the lines of these, except bigger and funkier looking, and with nothing in them that looks like preserved genitalia.
There was a scene in the movie Reign On Me in which Alan and his wife are sitting in their OH MY GOD, NATE! NATE! LOOK AT THAT! JUST LOOK AT THAT ROOM! CAN YOU DO THAT? CAN WE KNOCK DOWN A WALL OR SOMETHING? kitchen which had an arch and under that arch, she had all of these big, tall, wonderfully colorful bottles of infused something or other. I immediately fell in love with the entire idea. I liked it so much that I wasn’t even that irritated that I had to cry my eyes out over this movie two nights in a row because Nate had poo poo’d my choice of movie and as such, couldn’t be bothered to watch it the first night. So I watched it the second night and paid close attention to that kitchen, that wonderful NATE! ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS KNOCK DOWN THESE TWO WALLS AND SPEND A BAZILLION DOLLARS, CAN WE DO IT, PLEASE? kitchen and all that beautiful infusion going on in it. Then I bawled my eyes out when Charlie told Alan about his dead wife and children, and then I blew my nose and then I went to bed, depressed that Charlie would never have his wife and children and I would never have that kitchen. Then I remembered that I could add another “I told you so” to my mental list because Nate wound up liking the movie, which made me feel a little better and almost made up for the late fee to Blockbuster and my sinus headache.
So after dinner last night, Nate and I went in search of these bottles.
First we went to Kohls where I found exactly NONE. I did, however, find a bunch of contemporary, abstract wall art pieces that I placed on the floor and moved around and around and around in different combinations and patterns, asking Nate each time “How about this?” and “Something like that?” and “Does this not look spectacular?!” to which he replied “How about this picture of a tree?”
Then we went to Pier 1. I had high hopes for Pier 1 because I distinctly remember seeing an entire wall filled with these kind of bottles. But as usual, I am late to the fashion and home decor game as these things are apparently “seasonal” and were no longer in stock. I proceeded to berate myself in the middle of the store, asking myself and anyone who would listen, what kind of numnuts only gets inspired in the off season? The saleswoman said she didn’t know and then slowly backed away from me. Then I noticed a whole bunch of other cool home decor items which I held up for Nate’s appraisal, calling out across the store “Look at these! I love them! They’re so different!” to which he called back “How about this picture of a tree?”
Then we went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and struck out for the third time that night. I did, however, stumble across some eclectic metal designs and I called over my shoulder to Nate to come take a look at them but Nate didn’t come because he was in the next aisle over getting a free shiatsu massage in a black leather vibrating chair. So while he was occupied, I spent a good thirty minutes in search of fun, colorful, weird home decor items because I am simply tired of our house looking like a desert threw up all over it. All we need is a camel before someone is going to post “Welcome to the Sahara – Bring water” over our front door and leave us a complimentary cactus.
My hope was that the vibrating chair would make Nate so relaxed and transport him into such a state of blissful euphoria that he would be oblivious to his wife’s desperate attempt to instill a little bit of colorful funk into his ultra conservative decorating style known as CLASSIC HUMDRUM. But they haven’t yet invented anything that makes it easy to funkify Nate. No sooner did he stand up and see me holding a five foot piece of brightly colored twisted metal in my hands when he went pale and stuttered “How about this picture of a tree?” When I pointed out that he was nowhere near a picture of a tree, he wasted no time in running around the store in search of one.
We didn’t even bother going to Target because I had been there the day before and knew they didn’t have any of the bottles I was looking for. They did, however, have lots of pictures of trees which meant that either we were going to go home with one or Nate was going to be wearing one and neither option would have made me happy, although the latter may have allowed me to release a bit of pent up hostility. We’ll never know, will we?
I thought of maybe trying to create my own infused bottles but a bunch of grass and weeds shoved into tap water with yellow food coloring swirling inside a repurposed Prego jar is just not the look I’m going for. I want something that screams CLASSY, not OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? IS IT DEAD?
I have plans to go to a few more places this week, continuing on with my mission. I think I’ll skip Williams Sonoma though, because with the market such as it is, I’m loathe to take out a home equity loan. I want my kitchen shelf to look beautiful but if I’m not there to look at it because I’m too busy standing in line to file bankruptcy, what good does it do me?
So for now, there are no colorful bottles of infused liquid adorning my kitchen shelf and I’m still forced to do dishes. I can’t find them anywhere. The bottles, not dishes. I can find dirty dishes everywhere, I need only look on any surface in my house and they’re they sit, mocking me.
Kind of like that picture of a tree sitting on our mantel.