It’s like brain yahtzee on crack

Just a few of the thoughts spinning out of control in my head this morning:

For the love of God, somebody send me some cows. I simply cannot keep going to Wegmans to buy milk every other day and I’m too stressed out to lactate.

What am I supposed to feed cows? Do they eat spaghetti?

I met with a personal trainer yesterday.

My bank account says I can’t afford a personal trainer. Loud and clear! With enunciation! And inflection! And rampant use of extraneous exclamation points!

My weight and BMI both say I can’t not afford a personal trainer. I know this because they were screaming at me in unison and I think the personal trainer heard them because right at that moment, he whipped out one of those Are You Healthy charts and with his finger, pointed to my optimal healthy zone. Then he ran across the room and pointed out the window to my current zone which apparently resides somewhere over the horizon. The exact distance between the two zones was difficult to determine because he didn’t have his GPS on him and I forgot to bring my globe from home.

Part of my brain says I need to get off my ass, suck it up and hire the personal trainer already.

Another part says I need to hit the gym on my own because who the hell do I think I am, Oprah? What’s next, a personal chef?

A teeny tiny little part of my brain is squealing Oooooooh, I always wanted a personal chef! Let’s be Oprah! Come on, it’ll be fun! Who’s with me?

And finally, one last part of my brain is telling all the other parts to shut the hell up so it can mull it over some Dove chocolate.

Just to keep you in suspense, I won’t tell you which part won.

The last part won.

Courtesy of the teeny tiny part of my brain which can’t keep a secret and thinks suspense is highly overrated.

I have come to the conclusion that I am waging psychological warfare upon myself and I am losing for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that I am ill equipped to go into battle.

My husband is complaining that Planters is getting stingy lately with the cashews in their Mixed Nuts.

I don’t know what to tell him. *burp*

You learn something new everyday. Except last Tuesday. Not sure what happened.

Summer TV is abysmal. Never did I think I would see the day when my husband, the National Geographic, Science Channel and History Channel aficionado, would willingly watch obese, tattooed, pierced, freaks of nature with stunted vocabulary and severe pepper spray issues repossess cars and wrestle the occasional jacked up dwarf. And know all their names.

I have reviewed my schedule and managed to carve out thirteen minutes next Thursday in which to be spontaneous. Haven’t decided what I will do yet.

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toilet-paper

I took this photo well over a year ago.

It is still applicable today.

bathroom-floor-clothes

So is this one, except that the bath mat is green.

I live in a constant state of deja vu and surprisingly enough, it’s not all its cracked up to be.

Why does my brother return my call just to tell me he can’t talk?

I want Steve Perry and Journey to kiss and make up.

I’d settle for kissing Anderson Cooper myself, even though he has nothing to do with either Steve Perry or Journey.

Staples had packs of paper on sale for $0.01 each last week. I bought enough to write War and Peace by hand fifty-two times.

I would never write War and Peace by hand fifty-two times. That’s what I have kids for.

Staples has one-subject notebooks on sale this week for a penny. If my kids ever take 1,769 subjects in school, they’ll be ready. Twice.

I believe this firmly cements my status as a bargain hunter whore.

The other week, I was waiting for my car to be serviced at the Honda dealership when I noticed a woman three seats down from me eating ice cream. With a real spoon. From a ceramic bowl.

What the hell did she do, bring it from home? Who does that?

Why didn’t she bring enough for everyone? That is just rude, if you ask me.

No one ever asks me.

Why would anyone take their two year old child to play miniature golf? Why not throw him outside with a plastic golf club and a wiffle ball and a sprinkler and just let him be happy? Because I don’t think crawling under a wind mill and getting stuck and you yelling NOW YOU’VE DONE IT. HAPPY NOW? COVER YOUR FACE, IT’S MY TURN is making anyone happy, to be honest.

As long as we’re being honest, a premenopausal hormonal woman allergic to outdoors has no business playing miniature golf either, especially when it’s a sunny 102° out and the only source of shade is currently inhabited by the aforementioned little human in a pull-up who refuses to budge no matter how many times she pokes him with her putter.

So I’ve heard.

I am putting off renting Helena’s violin. I like my ears. They work perfectly well and they look pretty and I’m not ready to rip them off my head yet. I’d tell you to ask me how I feel come November but chances are I won’t hear you because of the two gaping holes on either side of my face.

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That’s it! Anyone else want to roll?

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21 thoughts on “It’s like brain yahtzee on crack”

  1. My weight and BMI are Star Trekking across the universe too. It doesn’t help that every time I buy bunches of healthy fruits and veggies and determine that THIS is the day the weight goes away….DH suddenly comes home with Reese Big Cups that were 10 for $1. *sigh*

    BTW, have you checked out Sparkpeople.com? Totally free and awesome healthy living website around. Did I mention it’s free? Dump the trainer and get the chef. Lol….

  2. Speaking of your ears, nice job on snagging the Harry Mason ad, *and* getting the big O up there on a family blog!! You had me in a good giggle tonight, especially with zone pointing. Wherever yours is, mine is one universe over…

    Full house! somebody else’s turn… =)

  3. I’m right there with you on being a Bargain Hunting whore. My kid doesn’t even get a school supply list and I still hit all the school supply sales. Somehow we still use it all in the course of a year.

    WTF was with teh lady and the ice cream? Now I want to know too. Some people.

  4. Speaking of ice cream, have you tried the Wegmans “extra churned” ice cream in the light yellow containers? OMG the Cookies and Cream one is to die for, AND it is 50% less fat than regular ice cream, so you can have a sprinkling of smug along with the squirt of chocolate syrup.

    Join the Y! Join the Y!!! JOIN THE Y!!!! Then we can go be miserable and unfit (but get slightly more fit) together!! It’ll be fun, I promise!!!!! Plus, working out next to me gives one the added benefits of (a) looking better automatically by comparison and (b) a cool breeze caused by the gentle undulations of my chins and bosoms. Oh, and thighs. (Those can be a bit noisy though, with all the noise they make slamming together….)

    Whaddya say? 😀

  5. I loved this post. I was reading the comments on the SITS FB when I came to yours. It was so funny, I had to come look at your blog. You are hysterical. I must follow! Have a great day and if you have time, stop by and say HI!

  6. You should check out my blog post from yesterday. I was congratulating myself on shopping for all the kids’ school supplies over the tax-free weekend and saving a ton of money, then my daughter comes home from school and casually mentions she has to have a new calculator before tomorrow. Her Algebra II teacher insisted they bring in a graphing calculator. Huh?! So I picked up my son from school and took her over to Office Depot and the cheapest one was nearly $100. Aaaargh! No time to bargain hunt. I came home and went rooting through the pantry for the Little Debbie Nutty Bars. I hate Little Debbie. I hate the Algebra II teacher….

  7. This is a great post! And I can relate a bit too well for my liking! LOL! My BMI and I don’t get along. I’m not the type to get a pt, because that would be one more person to make excuses to, but I do go to WW and that has been interesting. The sad part is…I am ALMOST where I should be – I just can’t quite stay there for some reason.

  8. Okay, first of all. You don’t need a personal trainer. You just have to get up and move. Take 20 minutes a day for yourself. Walk at a stead pace and work up to a run, use video game systems like the wii that has the wii fit, wii gold’s gym, or wii active to help you stay motovated. I used to be over weight after having children. Now, I make time to be healthy. Use olive oil instead of the “other oils” out there. Peanuts/nuts are great healthy snack. its the amount you eat at one time that gets you. Something that my DH has forgotten about. Find a vegetable cook it up with spices and broth use a blender or food processor to make your own healthy dip with chips or crackers. Don’t like water not a problem, try lipton green teas that have a good flavor to start your day out. Add a little bit of kool-aid for flavor after tea is gone.

    By golly sister, start posting with my healthy blog..I can still reach through the internet to help keep you motivated.

    http://leanmeanbeings.blogspot.com

    Plus, I could use a follower or two. Seriously email me, I can help.

  9. I am right there along with you!!!! I purchased the Wii (and several of their exercise games) and was determined I would stick with it!!! But there is always a busy day, a hurt foot, a cold or something else conspiring against me!!! Plus my Wii Mii is evil!!!!

  10. Im a new reader to your blog and 5 lines in, this thought floated through my head “Will you be my best friend” of course I know I will just have to settle for your random yet well put together jumble of thoughts, I look foward to reading your posts for a long time!!

  11. That really WAS like brain yahtzee on crack! Or so I’d imagine. I love your writing, your circular, random thoughts, especially when placed gently in a blender and set to liquefy. Keep the posts coming! I’m such a fan, even if I don’t always comment. 🙂 Bravo!

  12. do tell!! so DID you get the personal trainer or what?? and just what will he be training you for anyhoo?? lol 😉

    i want the chef personally. after 3 c-sections, working 6 years on 3rd shift and somehow living to over 40 years old, i’d MUCH rather eat that work out! BOO YA!! oh and btw.. i LOVE operation repo!! LOL!! matt is THE man 😀

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