It’s like Weekend Update! Except it’s not Saturday night and I’m better looking than Seth Meyers. I think.

I’d like to thank all of you for your comments and emails this week. I wish I could thank each of your personally for bringing a smile to my face but there aren’t enough hours in the day and this in and of itself is a huge testament to how supportive the Internet can be. Your thoughts and words of encouragement have been the highlights of what has essentially been a festival of shit this week.

And all of you spammers who sent me Viagra coupons and offers to enlarge my penis and rock my girlfriend’s world? You guys have got to learn how to use spell check. I’m not going to take you seriously if you can’t spell the word “orgasm” correctly. And if I had a girlfriend, I’d bet she’d feel the same way because I only hook up with really smart people. The first thirty years of my life notwithstanding.

My dad is hanging in there. I won’t bother giving a play by play of the roller coaster we’ve ridden this week but suffice it to say that carotid artery surgery, hematomas, strokes, aspirating on vomit, pneumonia and ventilators suck big, fat, staph-infected orangutan balls.

As of last night, he was coming off of sedation. He blinked on command and moved his hand and both his feet which was very encouraging. We hope he can come off the ventilator today so that they can start conducting a neurological exam to determine the extent of the damage from the stroke. I suggested to the doctors that they ask my dad a simple question like Is it true that if F(X) is an antiderivative of f(x) and c is any constant, then F(x)  + c is also an antiderivative of f(x)? They could assess his analytical prowess and help my sixteen year old with her homework at the same time. It would be a win/win! They suggested we start with something like “Is your name Peter?”

Way to set the bar low, guys.

My brother Tino is down here with me. So all you single ladies living in North Carolina, here’s your chance! And no worries of my mother hovering in the background, yelling FOR GOD’S SAKE, JUST MARRY ONE OF THEM ALREADY as she’s got a lot on her mind these days and can’t plan a wedding at the moment.

Some highlights of this past week:

  • Tino and I got lost on our way from the airport to our parents’ house, proving once again that I have no earthly business navigating, be it by map, GPS, someone hollering WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE EXIT WAS “BACK THERE,” or the northern star.
  • My mother had Nutella waiting for me in her pantry. I almost wept with joy. She said she tried to get me Anderson Cooper but apparently he’s not taking her calls either. At the risk of sounding rude, Anderson … Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot? Pardon my French.
  • We brought the day shift and night shift nurses boxes of candy because they are full of awesome. The nurses, not the boxes of candy, although candy is pretty awesome but nowhere near the level of nurses. I think nurses ought to get their own holiday. And parking spaces.
  • I was forced to venture into a Walmart down here and for the first time in my life, I did not feel the urge to douse myself in Purell from head to toe. The Walmarts down here are actually nice! And clean! And make me want to use exclamation points! And I’m not just talking about the employees! Not sure why the south has such a distinct advantage over the north when it comes to Walmart? Maybe it’s God’s way of compensating them for that whole Civil War thing.
  • Actually, everyone down here is incredibly friendly. It’s like North Carolinians are on a perpetual endorphin rush. I’ll have whatever they’re having.
  • My sixteen year old decided that this would be the perfect time to let her brain fall out of her head and make some pretty stupid choices. Nothing like coming home from the hospital at 9:00 at night only to charge up your cell phone so that you can use a good chunk of your minutes to discipline your teenager from 800 miles away, all while having your twin brother stand behind you, reminding you of that time when you were sixteen and your own brain did a free fall out of your head and crashed to the floor and exploded into a million pieces. SHUT UP TINO, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Before I leave, one word of advice. Please, please, please, for the love of white garlic pizza, tell someone where your original wills and powers of attorney are hidden. It may come as a surprise but it is entirely possible for a person to experience the whole spectrum of human emotion 582 times in one morning, leading her to seriously consider having a bank drill through a safety deposit box to the tune of $150 even though she knows nothing is in there but at least it’s doing something other than standing in an office and yelling to no one in particular JESUS CHRIST IN BIRKENSTOCKS, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?



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26 thoughts on “It’s like Weekend Update! Except it’s not Saturday night and I’m better looking than Seth Meyers. I think.”

  1. Avatar

    Hugs dearie. Boy, it sucks to be you this week. I’ve got some friends near your teenager upstate who’d be happy to provide some muscle if you need it – that is if you think 5 gay guys showing up at the door and threatening to ‘do your colors’ would be intimidating?
    Good luck with that long-distance discipline thing. My amazing mom powers apparently don’t transmit further than the reach of my arms. Once I can’t grab and shake it’s pretty much over. Do what you can, don’t stress what you can’t, and just be there with your mom and dad. Everything else will take care of itself, even the teenager. Mwah.

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    UGH!! Teenagers!! Threaten and make her feel guilty! That’s what we Mom’s are good for ya know 😉 Glad you and Tino found your way home eventually..your mom didn’t need the headache of a search party too!! Sooo glad your dad is showing some signs of communication! ((hugs)) been waiting for a update!

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    What a week girl! It sounds like you are doing your best with it though. Oh and getting lost – yes that would be me completely I can relate. No guide, map anything can make me not at least go off on wrong direction/road at least once during a trip.

    I am glad your Dad is showing progress and hope over this weekend he starts to show more! You are a great daughter to be there for your family, that is what family is for, to be there when times are awesome and when times get tough.

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    You are so totally much better looking than Seth Meyers.

    You know what would clinch it though, if you have any doubts?


    You know what I’m going to say.


    You know how to reach me – I have an overnight FedEx box waiting to ship off to the land of Awesome Walmarts and lots of Hey Y’alls.


    (PS if you need a substitute Oh No You Di’int! in-person lecture deliverer, give me a shout. I suspect I’ll need the practice for when my own darling angel reaches her teen years.)

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    GL to your dad, I hope he continues to get better. I guess I should write down all the passwords to all my accounts so my husband could pay the bills if something ever happens to me lol.

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    Jesus in birkenstocks, huh. Makes sense! Sure made me giggle, though. And oh my do you ever have vivid imagery. Not sure I can ever look at an orangutan again and think they’re cute…

    I lived in North Carolina for 12, long, hot & sticky years. In fact, it was my introduction to the US. I had some serious re-education to do once I moved North.

    I send really big hugs to you and hope your Dad will pull through!

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    Anyone who can keep that sense of humor after a week like you have had, earns my respect! Sure hope we hear some good news about your Dad.

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    Sending more prayers for your Dad. As far as the teenager thing goes-this to shall pass. They will grow up, become responsible adults, and function just fine with or without our nagging. I know; been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! (Though somewhere in the back of my head I still credit my nagging with my childrens’ success)

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    I wish I had candy to share, but I’m glad you’re all hanging in there. Best wishes: Best, magic-fairies-better-show-up-pretty-damn-soon wishes.

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    Andrea – are you sure you are the same girl that kind of “grew up” at my house in Hilton with my daughter? I can’t believe some of the things that I’ve been seeing but I sure do enjoy reading what you have to say. I guess I never knew that you were so witty. I knew that you were really smart, shy and quiet – boy what a surprise to find you 20 years later. I do wish that we could get together sometime – I would love to meet your 2 girls and have some time to get re-acquainted with you. I live in Wyoming, but you won’t recognize the place where you stayed for a couple of months – if you remember. Well, I’d better get to bed before my hubby comes looking for me. I hope you will keep me posted on your fathers health and take care of yourself! Love Ya Sue Strathearn (McAtee)

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    Andy I love that you are able to add some humor to your posts even when you are going through all this ! Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. And Tino I have a single sister that is if you ever thought of moving to the Great White North !

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    Just read this, darling. Sounds like a real roller coaster. Let’s hope that progress is made with your dad…and soon. Glad you are down there to be with your parents.

    We really should do something about Tino. Time for him to find the right woman. He’s so hot.

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    Big hugs. You deserve them.
    Be patient for the stroke recovery. It can be a long haul.
    My paperwork and funeral plans are in my filing cabinet, in a folder titled “What to do if I get hit by a bus.” I am not making this up. Please tell my family to look there, though they know about it.

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    ((hugs)) Andy.

    I’m really glad that your dad is hanging on, and seems to be improving. Your strength and sense of humor must be such a blessing to your family right now.

    As for Zoe, every 16 year old I’ve ever known (myself included) has been allergic to common sense. At the very least you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that she’s normal. 😛

    I hope things keep getting better.

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    Is this not the best argument for having that awful, uncomfortable conversation with one or both of your parents about wishes, documents, etc.? Been there, and have been thinking good thoughts for your dad’s recovery.

    Best, Alison

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