It’s too pretty to eat. Unless you’re starving.

I’ve been wanting to try an Edible Arrangement ever since last year when they opened a store within three miles of our house. I’ve sampled so many of their chocolate covered granny smith apple slices lately that I suspect the employees feel sorry for me and assume that I am some homeless person who depends on their freebies as my only source of sustenance for the day because the alternative explanation would be that I’m a lazy, mooching, leeching parasite on society. I mean, what other kind of person would have the cajones to walk in day after day and grab the same free sample while wearing baggy gray yoga pants and a faded, torn, Old Navy t-shirt held together by holes and wishful thinking? Unless he had no other means of survival, right?

I’ll tell you what kind of person has those cajones. The female kind, that’s who. One who has been within ten pounds of goal weight for over two months. Because let me tell you, when you’re limited to eighteen Weight Watchers points a day and you’ve got the chance to have what amounts to a chocolate dipped zero point snack that you don’t have to buy, make or run three miles to work off, you take that chance and run with it while wearing whatever the hell you wore to bed the night before.

I should probably mention that the Weight Watchers welcome packet fails to include a warning that hunger pains from eighteen points a day makes premenopausal women irrational and capable of growing balls the size of Detroit.

Apparently I’ve mentioned my desire for an Edible Arrangement to my kids often enough that they wound up buying me one for my birthday this year but only after yelling OH MY GOSH, STOP TALKING ABOUT FRUIT! WE GET IT ALREADY. CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON TO HOW DISGUSTING OUR ROOMS ARE AND HOW WE BETTER CLEAN THEM OR ELSE YOU’RE GOING TO SELL US TO THE GYPSIES FOR QUARTERS?

This being my first experience at consuming a bouquet of fruit that costs ten times as much as the individual pieces of fruit that comprise it, I thought I might share with you some observations on popping my Edible Arrangements cherry and yes, that pun was totally intended. Thanks for getting it! Don’t worry about it, Mom. I’ll explain later.

On we go:

1. Speaking of cherries, there were none in this arrangement and that’s a good thing as the only cherries I like are the ones sitting on grocery shelves disguised as pie filling.
2. The arrangement was pretty damn pretty. Almost too pretty to eat but lucky for me, I am me.
3. The fruit was exceptionally good except for the melon which wasn’t as ripe as it should have been. However, I was able to save it as a chew toy for Oliver, so that’s a plus.
4. When you mentally deconstruct the arrangement, you quickly realize that you probably paid about $1.50 for a grape – that would be the same grape that you just choked on after coming to this realization. Therefore, I recommend you live in denial and simply enjoy the bouquet without analyzing it. Unless, of course, you are filthy rich or happen to be standing next to someone proficient in the Heimlich maneuver.

When all is said and done, we all enjoyed the flavor and novelty of the arrangement and I was especially touched that my kids really put a lot of thought into a gift for me. That, I can tell you, is a truly wonderful gift in and of itself.

Now that I’m clued in as to the best method of getting my kids to give me what I want for my birthday, I’m already strategizing for next year. I plan to talk incessantly about how much I would like it if they could go twenty-four hours straight without a fight or raised voice or a screaming rendition of YOU ARE A BIG BUTT in B minor.

I think I’ll start in January, just to be safe.

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