I’ve got it going on! Unfortunately, it’s going on in the wrong direction.

Wednesday after dinner, I donned on my industrial strength bra, a sweat and sauce stained gray t-shirt and my trusty, ugly ass, shiny red and white running shorts and took my fuzzy legs out for my routine two mile run. I managed to run the first mile in a record 9:48 and celebrated on the sidewalk by yanking the wedgie out of my fanny and then cramping to the point of giving birth to my entire ribcage.

I started an awkward run/walk combo back to my house, alternating between readjusting my stubborn undies and hydrating myself by slurping up all the sweat pouring down my face. About a minute later, an obese old man walking on the other side of the street and wearing thick, fuzzy, white socks with brown sandals, whistled at me. I know this because (1) I clearly heard the whistle since, as luck would have it, it occurred mere seconds after I almost strangled myself on my iPod and had jerked the earphones out of my ears and was trying to unwrap them from around my neck; (2) when I glanced up in the direction of the whistle, I saw him looking straight at me; (3) he called out LOOKING GOOD, SWEETHEART to me; and (4) he winked. Or possibly had a short seizure. By that point, did it really matter?

I didn’t know whether to be flattered, outraged, grossed out or concerned that there was a fat old man obviously suffering from a concussion or dementia or cataracts running loose in the neighborhood. Not knowing how to react, I paused for a second, pulled at my wedgie and considered my options:

  1. I could act all indignant and give him a piece of my mind but then I remembered that I don’t have too many of those pieces left and I’ve got to ration what precious little I’ve got because hello? My mother is visiting in two weeks. Besides, it’s hard to act all indignant when you’ve got Fruit of the Looms jammed up your bum.
  2. I could ignore him but then I remembered that this never worked on my kids and would probably result in me being flashed with wrinkled franks and beans from the Titanic era and then my bunched up Fruit of the Looms would be the least of my problems.
  3. I could have thanked him because a compliment is a compliment after all and when you have to dress up as a Playstation 3 to get a similar acknowledgment from your husband, you take what you can get.
  4. I could have distracted him by pointing to his fuzzy white socks and yelling HEY MISTER, DON’T LOOK NOW BUT BUNNIES ARE RAPING YOUR ANKLES except that would have been mean and besides, I didn’t feel much like yelling, seeing as how my sternum was crowning and all.

In the end, I chose to simply smile at him, give him a thumbs up and then continue on my way, all the while licking my face and cursing my Fruit of the Looms and trying not to asphyxiate myself to the lyrics of Short Skirt Long Jacket blaring out my earphones which had, by that point, migrated to my boobs.

Just curious, how would you have handled the situation?



Share this post

22 thoughts on “I’ve got it going on! Unfortunately, it’s going on in the wrong direction.”

    1. Avatar
      Creative Junkie

      Possibly. I mean, I might have flung my phone number in his general direction but that’s about it.

      (Testing out a new plugin here so I have no idea if this reply will even get to your inbox. Technology and I have a hate/hate relationship.)

  1. Avatar

    Hm. Depends on what he looked like. If he was old and gross, I would have just smiled, rolling my eyes and shaking my head, like, “Yeah right mister. You have no idea the amount of crazy that runs in my family.” or “Pffft. Crazy old guy. Put that in your ‘bank’!” If he was hot I would have pulled over and struck up a conversation about electrolytes or running music or possibly hair removal techniques. They’re all relevant.

  2. Avatar

    Probably I would have done the same thing. Assuming I heard him. I have an amazing, useful & occasionally dangerous talent for tuning out the world around me, even without an mp3 player. I just assume everything I hear is not about me & ignore it. Which has gotten me almost run over by cyclists on more than one occasion.

  3. Avatar

    lol! Well if I heard a whistle at me?? I’d be looking all around…or ignoring. I wouldn’t believe it was for me 🙂 I totally read your running time wrong on fb the other day..thought you were talking MILES ran, not time! That’s a AWESOME time!! I’m very, super impressed! I can’t run 2 feet without passing out!

  4. Avatar

    Well, for me, I take flattery any way I can get it, even if the dude was downright fugly. I’d have to light myself on fire to get my hubby to notice me so if a guy even looks in my direction and likes what he sees, I’ll take it.

  5. Avatar

    Umm… I’d look for the candid camera? I’d assume I was being punk’d? I’d lament that the guy whistling at me wasn’t a girl? Sadly I’m not bi, but straight…heck, I don’t even know if gay guys compliment hot guys that way.

    In short, I’d be even more flummoxed than you were!

  6. Avatar

    I’d have lifted my shirt and said “get a load of this grandpa”. I know it sounds extreme, but here’s my thinking…
    1. You’re wearing an industrial strength bra – full coverage and practically armor plated
    2. Either the old dude would have a heart attack (problem solved) or it would make his day (good karma points for you)
    3. He’d think twice about exposing his frank and beans ever again
    4. It would take his mind off the bunnies raping his ankles
    5. It would take your mind off the wedgie situation
    A win/win solution if you ask me.

  7. Avatar

    That happened to me last week on the day it was 93 degrees. I was sure that my penciled brows were running down my face and my hair was stuck to the back of my neck. I’m not real pleasant when it’s hot. This guy walking behind me told me that I was the beautiful girl he had ever seen. I squinted at him
    figuring he was drunk, blind or doesn’t get out much. Just kept on walking….

  8. Avatar

    I totally would have ran through that list and others in my head. I mean since you are sure you heard it {iPod-less} are you sure you seen it though? My concern is the sweat in your eyes… None the less I would have thanked him with a “Stop staring at me you stalker pervert” look!

  9. Avatar

    You crack me up.

    I think I would have smiled and kept on my merry way. Not many women appreciate getting whistled and winked at, so you wouldn’t want to encourage him too much by thanking him…yadda yadda. A simple smile was good enough. I don’t think he meant any harm by it.

    Kudos for jogging/running/walking in this weather. Blah! I couldn’t do it. Besides, I need to rest a couple of times just going to get my mail. Ha Ha.

    1. Avatar
      Creative Junkie

      Wait a second … Hanes makes undies that guarantee no wedgies? How did I not know this? Because I believe my ass has a cotton magnet inside of it.

  10. Pingback: Tweets that mention How to handle a wedgie and a horny geriatric at the same time | --

  11. Avatar

    Oh my holy hell! I think this same guy might live down the street from me too!
    I think you need to invest in some of that wedgie-proof underwear… it’ll change your freaking life! LOL

  12. Avatar

    I can’t remember the last time I got a whistle or cat call or any such lurid response. For that matter, I can’t remember the last time I exercised. It took me a half hour and a half bag of chips to come up with a response.

    I would follow my girlfriend Lynn’s advice. “If you’re not sure what to say to anyone about anything, just smile sweetily.”

    In this case I imagine I’d add a “thank you!”


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *