Kodak moments are too elusive. I’m going for a Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom feel

You know that family?

You see them all over the Internet, all over the blogs, all over the scrapbook magazine pages, all over everywhere.

The one with the perfect dad who works out and loves his wife more than high def? And the perfect mom whose IQ exceeds her weight and whose thighs don’t throw up at the mere thought of shorts?

And the kids! Ah, the kids. The perfect combination of DNA material who like each other without coercion or bribes, who are photogenic 24/7, who don’t run screaming from a camera but instead, embrace the very idea of an impromptu photo shoot and treat it like a bonding opportunity instead of a death march?

You know the family I’m talking about?

The one where the mom grabs the camera on a beautiful sunny day and ushers her children outside for some fresh air and some candids and at no time do you hear OH MY GOD. SERIOUSLY? NOW? MY HAIR LOOKS AWFUL. CAN WE DO IT NEXT WEEK?




The family where the mom calls out “Smile!” and the kids readily comply with their big, wide, toothy grins that stretch from ear to ear, making them look genuinely happy and not at all like they’re getting their spleens yanked out of their urethras with barbecue tongs?


Kids who willingly sit next to one another for longer than 2.7 seconds without duct tape or threats of dismemberment?



Who respect each other’s personal space and don’t treat it as an open invitation to host their very own LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE smackdown?



I’m talking about the family in which the youngest child and the eldest child are on the same page as to what constitutes goofing around and what constitutes assault with intent to cause great bodily injury.

You know the one?


Where a hug is an act of love and not a precursor to manslaughter?



You know the family I’m talking about?

The family in which the youngest child does not try to give the eldest child an Indian rug burn on the arm and the eldest child does not smack the youngest child’s arm in retaliation, and the youngest child does not thereafter shriek in protest and stomp up to her room and wail for fifteen minutes and the eldest child does not try to defend her actions by hollering WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME? YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME! SHE STARTED IT! and the mom does not ignore both of her offspring because she’s too busy trying to stem the flow of blood pouring out of her eye sockets from the brain aneurysm that just exploded in her head?

We are so not that family.



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35 thoughts on “Kodak moments are too elusive. I’m going for a Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom feel”

  1. Avatar

    Ah Kids………who’d have ’em? But I have to say they both have smiles bigger than New York pretzels and they don’t look like plastic cutouts. Very natural and human and you know you love them to bits.

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    Could be worse. they could be boys and down on the ground wrestling with no form of decorum whatsoever. My nephews were fighting on Mother’s Day and the older one knocked out the younger one’s tooth.

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    My wife has our boys well trained for pictures. Point a camera in their direction and they’ll sit up and smile. Ironically, this reaction makes it hard to get natural, action shots of them. But it is a good way to break up their fighting — point the camera and they stop and smile.

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    Hey, you have sunshine…at this point that is all I could ask for. By the way did you know those “people” actually hire stunt double/actors for all their photo shoots. Really they do.

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    Yeah but trying to photograph our 3 makes it so much better – the two can gang up on the one – makes for a lot more interesting pictures!

    Your older daughter seems to have a lot of patience in these pictures….

    Stan at Scrappers Workshop

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    those pictures are cracking me up — I got to the second-to-last one and yelled, “OH! Indian burn!!!” hahahahaha! That was one of my signature moves when I was a kid!

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    bawahahaha!! THAT my friend is why you have to be sneaky! Even if it means hiding behind the bushes, with the spiders and the dirt and waiting for eternity!! That’s how I finally got all 3 of mine together doing something “cute”. Of course upon finding out my oldest shouts, “YOU’D better NOT put that on the internet or something MOM!! LOL

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    LOL….I love you so much! I can always always always count on you to provide me with the laughter I need in the morning, esp as one kid is spilling juice all over my kitchen floor, two other kids are smelling each other’s butts and the other kid is sitting 2 inches away from the big screen tv staring at it in a completely zoned-out (in denial that he’s part of this family, is more like it) state.

    For the art carnival, no it doesn’t have to be recent art. Any art you or your kids have done is fine. You’ve posted lots of your kids art before, like the drawing Helena did of that town and of course some of your crafty work. All of it counts so I hope you’ll participate!

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    Um, have you planted a secret video camera in my house?
    (looks around the house in search of hidden cameras)

    All I can say is thank god for digital and the ability to take 524 pictures to get ONE good one. That is what makes my kids look like darlings. ONE good picture where they forgot to smack each other.

    Great post! Thanks for the smile.

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    You would think that being a photographer, we would have lots of wonderful photos of the family from so much practise. On the contrary, when I take out the camera they run, pout, give the not-again-with-the-camera-mom look.

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    Yeah the one that is shoved down our throats and makes us want scream, “That is not real life”. Yeah, I see them all the time. BTW, I like the photos.

    You should try listening to the song menace to society on the album Rock my World.

    It truly states the state of mind of most moms.

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    Wow, just change the color of the hair and this could be my oldest! I mean the facial expressions are exactly alike! Too funny! Glad to know there are others like her(down to the “You always blame me!).

    New reader here, thank you for your blog. I love it! Brings a bright spot to my day when I see you have posted a new one! Ok, way too maudlin there, but keep it up!

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    I’m not familiar with that family you were going on about. I think they are purely fictional…

    These are still great pics, especially for their boyfriend to see someday! : )

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    My two older brothers have tormented me my entire life! I am now 62 years old. The oldest brother died a few years ago and didn’t even mention me in his will. The next oldest is still convinced that he is far superiour to me and forever will be. I am much closer to my husband’s brothers than to my own!

    Remind your elder daughter that one day she might actually wish she had a sister that she could turn to – and that sister might just still be as hurt and tortured as she was on the day those pictures were taken.

    Therapy can’t fix everything.

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    oh my I love these pics! and your play by play of the so called perfect family! was shall I say Perfect! great depiction of every family, I have only one child so mostly I get a lot of back pictures….him running away from me!

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    It looks better than the pics I get to take of my sons running towards me apparently to shove the camera down my throat for pointing it at them!

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    I have never met ‘that family’ and I don’t think I want to! I can, on occasion, get the kids and hubby to stop putting ‘bunny ears’ on each other long enough to get a decent photo, so I’m happy–we don’t need no steenkeen perfection. It would be so boring.

    ps I think most of us blog because we’re not ‘that family’!!

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