Make room at the trough – it’s snack time

Last night was my turn to bring the snack to my daughter’s softball game.

Bringing snack requires nothing more than placing a bag of munchies on the ground and then getting the hell out of the way lest your middle finger is mistaken for a Twinkie by fifteen sweaty and hungry eight year olds and you are left without the means necessary to flip the bird to all the raving lunatics in Wegmans’ parking lots, thereby sucking all the fun out of grocery shopping forever.

Did you know snack moms come in several varieties?

There’s Mom #1 who bakes soft, chewy chocolate chip cookies and wraps them in colored cellophane tied with curling ribbon and pairs them up with a color coordinated Vitamin Water for each child.

And to her, I say “Stepford called, they want Model #A12-742 back. But before you go, please sign here, here, and here and adopt me.”

Then there’s Mom #2 who brings granola lollipops rolled in wheat germ and cans of carrot juice.

And to her, I say “I shall not judge you until I have walked a day in your earth shoes,” followed immediately by retching into my daughter’s helmet.

There’s the Mom #3 who pays someone else to do it.

And to her, I say “I am not worthy” and bow ten times.

There’s the Mom #4 whose husband does it.

And to her, I say “What the heck did you use to remove the TV remote from your husband’s hands? I scrub and scrub and can never get mine clean.”

And finally, there’s Mom #5 who watched her kid’s softball game in 110% humidity for two hours one year, knowing that the only thing that stood between her and her central air was the almighty snack time and she was secretly hoping there’d be Ho-Hos and that no one would spot a prematurely grey, myopic, slightly roundish third grader with fuzzy legs wolfing one down, but then she noticed that the kids and parents were staring at her accusingly, so she checked to see if her sweaty bra cannibalized her shirt and ricocheted off her body to dangle from her ear but no, it didn’t and yet, there still appeared to be an angry, hostile mob surrounding her so she did a quick mental check to reassure herself that she hadn’t pole danced in public or slept with anyone else’s spouse in recent memory and then she looked behind her since maybe they were pissed off at her husband for some reason in which case she could then holler I KNOW! TELL ME ABOUT IT and rack up sympathy points but he was back at the car so she fumbled around in her pocket for her cell phone so that she could dial 911 and inform the operator that people were totally being mean to her for no reason and just then, she found the note that she wrote to herself that morning which said PICK UP NATE’S DINNER & BRING SNACK TO GAME! DON’T FORGET, YOU BIG LOSER.

I’d say something to her if I could but I have no idea who she is or why she cries a lot for no reason.

I’d have said something to her husband as well but he was too busy starving to death.

So I was on snack duty last night and before the game, I dragged Helena out to our vacation home at Wegmans where oddly enough I did not have the occasion to flip anyone the bird.

Helena picked out the following:



Fifteen sweaty, hungry little eight year olds left satisfied and I’m off the snack hook for one more year, which gives me about 365 days to coerce Model #A12-742 into signing those damn papers already.



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33 thoughts on “Make room at the trough – it’s snack time”

  1. Avatar
    Donna in West Aus

    Being the snack mum is just another one of those things ‘they’ forget to tell you when you’re pregnant with your first child; right up there with labour is going to hurt like hell and you’re seriously going to doubt your own sanity when you do it a second time. Don’t even start on those that go for more than two .. like me .. lol!)

    There should be a big book out there with all of the things you really need to know like “start saving for your child’s fieldtrips/fundraisers/sports snack mum duties while you are still in your teens. Then you may actually have a chance of having the right money at the right time!”

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    I’m ever so glad to see a post from you this morning. All is right with the Wednesday morning world.

    I think next time, you should get those giant, “comes in a barrel” pickles. One apiece. (They have them at the fancy Wegmans that has those carts that I told you about – the ones that *guarantee* you’ll be flipping the bird.) Of course, then you’d need a cooler…. But they’re vaguely nutritious (cucumber – it’s a veggie, right?), cold, refreshing and filling!

    If you don’t want to bring the cooler, then you could just go the “really nasty junk food” route, like Funyons and pork rinds and corn nuts (which, I’m ashamed to admit, my husband actually loves. Corn nuts and me – should I be insulted?)……

    Ta-da! Problem solved! Just make a note of it for next year! I mean, worst case scenario is they’ll never allow you to bring snack again. 😀

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    And how many dads spiral around the snacks waiting for the kids to finish grabbing, hoping they’ll be a couple snacks left over, and the snack mom says, “If any parents want one, too, just grab something.”

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    Back in the day we managed to go a whole game with just the beverage we had to remember to bring ourselves. If we won we’d get ice cream sometimes. But only if we won. I hate the snack thing.

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    I’ll never be mom #1. When we go somewhere and we bring a dish to pass, I much rather pick it up in the deli on the way there (saves time and stress!).

    My son started soccer this spring and I kept thinking, “Wow, the coach brings the snack every week. That’s really nice.” At the last game, it hit me. I did sign up for a week of snack at the very first practice! I didn’t write it down! I never mess up on stuff like that! Then I remembered that I’m pregnant and my brain is screwed up. I made myself feel even better by telling myself “I bet I was signed up the week the game was cancelled. Yes, that’s what happen.

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    My sister! Oddly enough all of those mom’s are on my son’s team as well! You missed mom #6….the one who {barely} remembered ahead of time (just one day) and provided a selection of goldfish or choc chip cookies, and juice thinking she was oh so wise and on top of it. Only to have two kids (8y/o boys mind you) walk off sweaty, hungry, crying and pointing back towards the evil snack wench because all the goldfish were gone and they don’t like chocolate chip cookies. Who knew you had to provide twice as many snacks when you bring a selection?

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    One advantage of having a kid who doesn’t do recreational team sports is no snack mom duty. Until August, that is, when I have to do it three days in a row at “Jesus Camp”. I don’t want to think about it. After seven years of this, I still can’t understand the amount of paperwork and emails that are required to make sure that 200 elementary aged kids get goldfish and lemonade.

  8. Avatar

    I’m the kind of mom that would let kids eat ice cream covered in all the sprinkles and whipped cream and chocolate for breakfast after a sleepover. Hey if they want to keep me up all night why shouldn’t they be bouncing off the walls when they go home to mom and dad who probably had a date night while their offspring was spinning his head around at my house.
    Stepford eh? You might have something there.

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    That´s sooo cool and funny. I don´t have kids, so I don´t must cook little snacks. Before I can bring the snacks to them, I would eat the snack by myself *lol*

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    Rofl!!! YOu forgot the mom who owns or works at a business of food and gets it catered!!! Totally makes the other moms look like losers.

    Oh, well, I know the feeling. My DH almost went to work “naked” from the top up because, oops, his work shirts never made it to the laundry area in the last five days. We have family in town, one dental appointment, and several trips to the house we are purchasing for inspections. Excuse, I did laundry on Monday but your shirts where not in the loads I did. You forgot to bend over like pooh bear and pick them up to deliver to the laundry room. FYI, your wife doesn’t work for a laundry service that picks and delivers the laundry hon. You do have to put some effort into it as well.

    PS did you get to see my photos on my blog of the cool places we went to over the weekend.

  11. Avatar

    rotflmao! i am sooo not the snack mom. i can’t stand to have to give my OWN kids snacks much less all the others! i do though…when absolutely necessary, admittedly signing up to bring something like…the napkins.

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    I got yelled at my first day as “snack mom” because I brought granola bars for the half-time soccer game break. They didn’t tell me that the kids ONLY eat oranges at half-time, and “real food” is saved for after the game. We even had an “approved snack list.”

    Did you ever see the Everybody Loves Raymond episode about this? Debra brought pretzels which were not on the approved snack list, and Raymond tries to appease the snack coordinator:

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    That was hilarious! And oh so true.

    I lucked out this year. My oldest daughter is coached by my husband and we were only in charge for little snacks (like a hershey kiss per kid) during practices. And my youngest daughter wasn’t even put on the snack list.

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    I hate being snack mom. You can never please anyone. I was stared at like I was satan at my first soccer match when I brought something with peanuts in it. I was told I was trying to murder one of the children – he had peanut allergies. My son has no allergies so I just didn’t think about it. It never occurred to me because of my ineptitude with snacks that I would be viewed that way. It was traumatizing – for me. After the season I pulled my son out of that soccer league. The tennis moms are more forgiving.

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    This is my son’s first year in preschool, I had no idea that I had to bring snack once a month for 36 childern! I always forget so I know they talk about me behind my back because I’m THAT mom. Don’t I pay them to cut up apples and hand out string cheese?

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    Your posts make me crack up every single day. Although I just know, when I am a mom, I will be snack mom #1. (hee hee…yeah RIGHT…I can’t even make my own lunch!)

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    I totally love this post! My big twins are playing t-ball right now and we parents have to take turns providing the snack. Well, one of the moms sort of hinted that we should all bring healthy snacks. Her hint went something like this, “I will not allow my child to eat sugary snacks, like ho-ho’s and cookies…and if you pack that for your snack, you will be taking him home with you”. Um, okay….so I guess this weekend when I have to do snack, I’ll be packing the ever-so-boring apple and cheez-it crackers, while listening to the little ones groan “Ugh, fruit again??”

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    You forgot about the mom who totally forgets it’s her snack day for soccer and when another parent turns to her 4 and a half minutes before half time and says, “Can I help you get the kids’ snacks out of your car?” completely panics and runs to the gas station a quarter mile away, bursts through the doors, grabs water bottles and gum for everyone and then dashes back with roughly 18 seconds of half time left….

    Just sayin’…

    ‘Cuz I’ve heard about those moms.

    They’re usually sleep deprived from having a bunch of kids and twins that are still babies…

    So I’ve heard…


  19. Avatar

    now that isle looked cool.. I loved grocery shopping when I was in the US, you have like 1000 more snack food lines than we will ever have… oh and thankfully we only have to take oranges to soccer.. I don’t know if I could deal with the stress of deciding what to do.

    I was rather hearten this morning as I came up as a #1, because 98% of all the other mums sent packaged stuff for the cake sale at school and i baked 2 dozen cup cakes with white chocolate icing and 100’s and 1000’s

  20. Avatar

    We should all imitate the mom of comment #32. Why all the snacking? Especially when it’s nearly dinnertime… I hope the Supreme Court rules Snack-Mom duties unconstitutional — not to mention the indentured Snack-Dad, as I am the latter.
    Great essay, thanks.

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