My interview with the almost-flatulent-boat Liz Nonnemacher of Wickedly Chic

Before I get started, I wanted to remind you that if you want $100 worth of eargasms from Harry Mason Jewelry, you better run your fanny over to my giveaway and enter it right darn quick. It ends at midnight EST tonight because that’s when I turn into a pumpkin and Nate finally gets to eat a vegetarian meal. So click HERE to enter and then your ears will sing your praises forever but it will probably sound like hmmph hmmmm hmmm mmmmmph because ears don’t have lips.

Moving on …

Liz Nonnemacher of Wickedly Chic and I have a little Q&A session going on today. Remember Liz? The woman I almost compared to a flatulent boat not so long ago and she didn’t slap me upside the head? When you almost compare someone to a vessel overflowing with noxious gassy fumes and she is flattered instead of creeping up on you with a butcher knife, you’ve found yourself a true friend, people.

By the way, Liz and I are contemplating hosting a radio show where we take your questions and act all brainy by teaching you how to cook, solving all your problems and balancing the federal budget. Except probably not that first part. Or that last part either. The middle part is iffy at best. But we can definitely hook you up with all the free Viagra you want in case you need help in that department! I have a spam filter full of contacts! Because I know all the right people. How lucky are you? Stay tuned for more details.

In the meantime, Liz’s answers to my questions are below. Be sure to visit Wickedly Chic to read Liz’s interview with The Creative Junkie. And if you haven’t yet tried it, refer to yourself in the third person. It makes you feel really important!

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(1) Where is the strangest place you’ve ever done the wild thing?

Liz ……… I don’t recall. I don’t have that information handy. I don’t remember. I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might incriminate myself and my kids will never speak to me again.

(Editor’s note: BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK. That’s chicken for “Wussy.”)

(2) If I were to open your refrigerator this second, what would gross me out the fastest?

Liz ……… Believe it or not, nothing. I’m really funny about refrigerators and gross stuff and smells so mine stays pretty clean with no weird things that are growing arms & legs.

(Editor’s note:   Liz actually sent me a photo of her fridge, where everything is neatly stacked and orderly. I didn’t post it here because honestly, I didn’t think the collective ego of the rest of us normal folk could handle the blow. One time, we threw a block of cream cheese and seven months of neglect into our fridge and managed to grow a fuzzy gray Zhu Zhu pet. When I finally discovered it, I spent the entire afternoon yelling upstairs HELENA, GET YOUR DAMN ZHU ZHU PET OUT OF THE REFRIDGERATOR BEFORE I TOSS IT and she yelled downstairs WHAT ZHU ZHU PET? I DON’T HAVE A ZHU ZHU PET! HEY, CAN NATALEE COME OVER? And I yelled upstairs THEN WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS and I grabbed the Zhu Zhu and it smooshed and liquefied in my hand and I passed out and the rest of that day is one long throw-uppy blur.)

(3) If Satan were to posses you right now, how would we know?

Liz ……… Oh…I don’t want to be like that dude. I would have to say that the closest that I come to being “possessed” by anything is when I have PMS. Little things irritate me that normally wouldn’t and my children seem to take great joy and receive much internal happiness by trying to push all of my buttons at this special time of the month. As in right this very moment, one of them keeps saying “Where’s the Chapstick?” Has anyone seen that video? Oy.

(Editor’s note:  You knew I was going to rush right over to YouTube and watch that video, didn’t you?  That was mean, Liz. Way worse than my farty boat reference. I don’t know if we can be friends anymore.)

(4) What is your favorite bodily fluid and why?

Liz ……… Now, this is a really gross question, Andy. What are you thinking here? I’m not thrilled about any bodily fluid. But since I am sure you will INSIST on an answer, I’ll stay safe and say tears. There’s nothing like a good cry to wash away a whole host of “stuff”.

(Editor’s note:  I knew it! I knew you were going to say tears! You owe me a dollar. Or somebody does. The point is, I know you, Liz. I knew there was no way in the world you would have answered “Semen. It’s full of vitamins and nutrients and gives my skin a healthy glow!” Even though we all know it does. Right? Don’t we? Hello? What? YOU’RE JUDGING ME, AREN’T YOU?)

(5) What is your guilty TV pleasure? BE HONEST.

Liz ……… Honestly, I’m not really too capable of even turning on the television. I preferred the days when you walked over to the tv, turned it on and turned the channels like normal people. But now…it takes 3 remotes to even get the blasted thing going. That said, my kids have me addicted to The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It is a fairly dumb show but I can’t stop watching it. And I discuss it with the kids like these are real people that are our neighbors. I’ve also just discovered the Real Housewives of New Jersey. This is an interesting little program. And I am FROM New Jersey so it makes it more fascinating.

(Editor’s note: I love that you call the Real Housewives of New Jersey an “interesting little program.” That’s like calling Hurricane Katrina a wee bit of a soppy drizzle.)

(6) If they made a movie of your life, what would it be rated and who would play you?

Liz ……… I think it would need to be rated R for sex and language. Really…I’m a good girl but 100% PG? Maybe now. Pretty much. Who would play me? Hmmm….does it have to be a living person?

(Editor’s note: Well, geez louise, Liz. I suppose it could be a dead person but damn, if Gerard Butler is playing your husband, you better hope he’s contractually obligated to mount a corpse in the love scenes or that movie is going straight to DVD.)

(7) If I were to Facebook your first boyfriend and ask him to describe your first kiss, what would he say?

Liz ……… Well…he’s on Facebook and his name is Johnny Collins. He lives in Gainesville, FL. I just want everyone to be able to identify the right Johnny. We are still friends. It was awkward but it was more awkward after he got braces.

(Editor’s note: You do realize that poor Johnny is going to be inundated with friend requests now because everyone is going to want to post HOLY SHIT, JOHNNY, THERE’S SOME CRAZY FARTY WOMAN OUT THERE SAYING SHE MADE OUT WITH YOUR BRACE FACE on the wall of the dude who accompanied you to first base.)

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This was fun, Liz! If you want to read Liz’s interview with me, hop on over to WickedlyChic and check it out!

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