My pee is at threat level: orange

I apologize in advance.

I’m a bit cranky today.

Just thought I’d warn you.

Proceed at your own risk.

There might be a bit of TMI ahead.

Just a bit.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Oh, and to all of my male readers … I’m sorry.




I swear to GOD, I am so tired of my bladder. My defective, faulty, turbulent, rebellious, unruly bladder. I’d call it ugly too, but having never seen it, I can’t verify that particular claim.

Actually, I’m quite disgusted with my entire urinary tract system as a whole. If I could manage to do it before the girls got home from school, I’d yank out the whole bloody mess and see about getting some replacement parts. I wonder if I could get a loaner in the meantime, like I do when my Honda is in the shop for a week?

For crying out loud, Wal-Mart sells everything else under the sun, why can’t they sell bladders too? On clearance? Is that too much to ask? Maybe if they did, I’d actually shop there more than once a year without being coerced by having a gun held to my head.

How come we humans don’t come with warranties, like everything else in this world? I’d like a 100,000 mile check up so that I could replace my entire body, piece by decrepit piece, and be all shiny and new again. Wouldn’t that be nice? Because I can guarantee you that I would have tuned up and/or replaced approximately 891 organs in my body by now, including everything between my split ends and my toes.

Do we even have 891 organs?

Now that I think about it, I suppose it’s better that such a warranty doesn’t exist because if it did, I’m absolutely certain that the second I unearthed it from this God forsaken mess that is my office, I would discover that it expired ten minutes beforehand. And then when my head explodes, I’d be fully aware that it’s going to cost me full price to get another one.

I am currently nursing a bladder infection. Surprised? Me neither, considering this is my sixth one this year.

Yes, 2008 has been a banner year for my God given personal waste management system. Not unlike 2007 which comes in at a close second but only after narrowly edging out every other year for the past ten years.

Right now, I’m popping cipro like Tic Tacs. If there’s ever another anthrax scare, I’m well stocked up so come on over! We’ll make a party out of it. Bring a dish to pass, because more than likely I’ll be too busy peeing to cook anything.

I’m not sure what’s worse … the urge to pee, which makes me feel like I’m in my 56th week of pregnancy with quadruplets or the actual process of peeing, which makes me feel like some deranged bladder fairy crawled around my nether regions and replaced my urine with hydrochloric acid when I wasn’t looking.

Speaking of nether regions, mine are threatening to go on strike if my body has to assume the position one more time. They’re tired of being poked and prodded and scraped and honestly, they aren’t used to any invasive procedure without a little foreplay. And if you count “This is going to be a little cold. You’ll feel some pressure,” as foreplay … that’s just sad. I don’t know what to say to you.

Well, yes I do. You need to get out more.

I don’t want my nether regions to go on strike and I think I can safely assume that Nate doesn’t either. At least, I hope not. Because if he does, I’ve got worse problems than just putrid urine.

As of this week, I have a new urologist and I no longer have to pee in Dixie cups. Thank God, because Dixie cups are so yesterday. I’m all about tomorrow, trend wise, although if my wardrobe is any indication, my tomorrow might be off by a decade or so.

So I no longer have to pee in a cup. Instead, I now get to provide straight cath urine samples each and every time I even think I have a bladder infection, as well as each and every time I finish a course of antibiotics to ensure the infection is gone. And for you newbies out there, a straight cath urine sample is exactly like peeing into a cup, except that instead of peeing into a cup, your urine is sucked out of your body by a thin hollow tube that is plunged directly into your bladder.

See the difference? It’s subtle, but it’s there.

Whoo hoo! Go me! Is this exciting or what? Damn, if I still scrapbooked, I could really go to town with this event. I’ll have to bring my camera to my next appointment. I wonder if catheters are acid free? I’ll stock up on archival mist, just to be safe.

Oh, and just so you know, you don’t get any good drugs during a catheterization. It’s not like giving birth where you can opt to be wasted out of your mind for the entire time and end up with a baby out of the deal. No, you’re totally awake throughout this blessed event and all you get for your trouble is cramping and a bladder pissed off to holy hell because you stuck something in it without its permission.

I hate it when I get stuck with something without my permission. Like the 80 pounds of laundry decorating my laundry room floor – hello? Who told my family to hoard their laundry for a week and then unleash it on me at the last minute? Not me. That’s who.

And another thing … why can’t doctors just tell you the truth? Don’t blow sunshine up my ass, or up my urethra, by telling me that the next minute or so might be a bit uncomfortable but it will be over before I know it.

As if.

I’d respect them a lot more if they didn’t beat around my bush and instead, come right out and tell me OK, this is going to hurt like a motherf*cker and make you feel like you’re giving birth to a blow torch. Don’t even bother trying to relax, it’s impossible. Just be anxious and tense and uptight like you are. If you wig out, don’t kick me because then my hand might slip and there’s no sense in piercing your trachea if I can’t urine out of it, now is there? Hit the nurse instead. That’s why she’s up by your head. Oh, and by the way, we’re going to charge you an exorbitant co-pay each and every time we do this to you. Yep, we screw you every which way possible. Enjoy!

Did you know that when your bladder is in spasm, it makes you go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes? Who would have thought I’d miss the every hour on the hour schedule that comes with your basic, everyday, ho-hum, routine infection?

So now, in addition to cipro, I have to take these funny little pills called Phenazopyridine which is supposed to calm my bladder down. In this sense, they act much like Nate when he gently and quietly talks me through the seizure I have after I open up the Mastercard bill. Except that Nate doesn’t make me pee flaming napalm orange afterwards, like someone stuffed a jug full of nuclear Tang up my hoo-hah when I was otherwise occupied. The prescription bottle warns of “discoloration of urine” so I was expecting a little variation in hue, but nothing that would fall into the HOLY CRAP, IT’S NEON palette.

I thought of posting a photo of it because mere words can’t convey the ethereal, blazing orange essence of my pee but really, when it comes right down to it, it’s pee. Who cares if it’s fluorescent and glows in the dark? Unless you intend to use it as a flashlight, there’s no need to stare at it. Besides, I’ve already reached my yearly quota of inappropriateness by discussing my waste and nether regions and hoo-hah in one post. I figure I’ve got about ten minutes before my mother calls me and leaves me a voice mail message, reaming me out for discussing my privates in public because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’VE GOT FRIENDS WHO READ THIS BLOG, IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN, ANDREEEEEEEEA, AND THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR … (*whisper*) … hoo-hah … SO STOP IT ALREADY. OK? BY THE WAY, WHAT’S A HOO-HAH? CALL ME.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to empty my bladder of its vividly bright contents. I’d tell you to have a good day but if you’ve read this far, I’m assuming that’s no longer a viable option.

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38 thoughts on “My pee is at threat level: orange”

  1. Avatar

    oh you poor thing.. that whole procedure sounds like it should be outlawed! I hope you feel better soon… laughing at the neon wee and the possible voice mail from your mum!

  2. Avatar

    OMG to make excrutiating funny is funny all by itself. I almost pee on myself before I can make it to the bathroom, the non almost times, I actually pee on myself. To add to that an infection…honey..I would call the NRA!

  3. Avatar

    I about peed myself reading this. Thank goodness it was not a painful experience. I hope they get down to the bottom of the pain in your bottom!

  4. Avatar

    OMG, My doctor gave me the same stuff but I was too chicken to take it. He said it would EVEN MAKE YOUR TEARS ORANGE!

    Soooooo, does it?

    I finished my cipro on Friday, but I swear I think I need it again. maybe we can get a bulk discount?

  5. Avatar

    Ah sista, I am with you. I was cracking up reading this.

    I was in the hosp two months ago with a horrible UTI and they did one of those things up the old hoohaa only I was stoned out of my ever lovin’ mind. The first time I peed and saw that it was bright orange, I flipped out. Doctors should not give instructions to people who have had a morphine drip because I had no idea that was coming. I got the doctor back by puking all over him from the morphine, so it was all good. 😀

    Hope you feel better soon!

  6. Avatar

    Ok, you are NOT supposed to be so funny while in pain! Are you trying to be super-blogger or something? That job does NOT come with a cape so what’s the point??

    And you know I could design you a special bright orange pee digital scrapbook kit if you want! Well, maybe not. Designing such a thing would probably curse me with your bladder and I do NOT want that!

    I hope you feel better. Soon. But if you are this funny sick, hmm, then I guess it doesn’t matter to me! Nah, I like you better healthy. Get healthy!!

  7. Avatar

    OMG I am sooo sorry for your pain, but I had to tell you that you had me laughing SO HARD at this post, that you made me pee… just a pale yellow though. NOTHING as interesting as your post.
    Get better soon, and avoid that doctor at all costs!!!!

  8. Avatar

    Oh I am sooo sorry! I had a couple of years like that too, fighting off vicious UTI’s that would attack in the blink of an eye. Worst of all, the doc’s are all like “you won’t die from it,” while they watch you writhe on the floor in pain wishing you COULD die because that would be more fun than the UTI.

    Have they told you about drinking cranberry juice? It stops your bladder from being party-central for those little UTI monsters. Hope you feel better soon!

  9. Avatar

    We’ve had “Clockwork Orange” we’ve had “Agent Orange” will we have “Andyan Orange” making it’s debut in the AMA journal?

  10. Avatar

    ANDY!! ouch 🙁 I’m sorry! I can’t say I feel your pain cause to my knowledge I’ve not had a bladder infection before.. I’m sure I’d know?? ugh… anyway if you feel up to it and can stay in one place long enough give me a “Yahoo”!!

  11. Avatar

    I’ve got nothin’. Absolutely nothin’. Except tears. Tears streaming down my face. And a picture of you in my head walking across the hall to the girls bathroom wearing nothing but a catheter. With orange pee running down your leg.

    That is all.

  12. Avatar

    Hi Andrea

    I was glad to see you, I missed you- I had a weird stalker bugging me and it started to make me feel a bit uncomfortable so I made some privacy changes.

    I also was one who suffered with bladder problems- I had urinary tract infections, more than I wanted and we couldn’t figure out why

    I also felt the urge to pee all the time.

    I went to a specialist and he prescribed vesicare I swear ever since that urge went away- and I have been fine. I take one a day I had to have several tests done first but I’m glad I did it..

    Hope this helps:)

  13. Avatar

    Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear about the bladder infection. And even sorrier to hear about the catheter. Totally uncomfortable! Yeah, don’t you love those dr’s who say “you won’t feel any pain but you might just have a little bit of cramping”. Esp the male doctors!!!

    Hope you feel better soon!

  14. Avatar

    Ugh! I HATE cathetars with a passion! OMG, I can’t express that enough with just words… my hands are flailing and everything. I feel so sorry for you, bladder infections are the worst and I can’t imagine the hell of having 6 already this year 🙁 I really hope things clear up for you soon!

  15. Avatar

    I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all this and I’m also thankful that you haven’t lost your sense of humor during your ordeal because I really needed a good laugh this morning! Let’s hope this is the last one for 2008! 🙂

  16. Avatar

    Andrea, I don’t know how you still manage to be so funny when going thru such a terrible ordeal. I hope you get your hoo-hah problem fixed soon and that your pee color gets back to normal. We could mix your pee and Brayden’s fluorescent green poo from the anesthetic and have 2 great hi-lighter colors!!

  17. Avatar

    Sorry to laugh at you in your state but I am, and you caused it. I suggest you take this to your dr. so he can read it. I think he’ll lower your co-pay because he’ll think it’s the funniest thing he’s read in forever.

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  20. Avatar

    I’ve been through this many times, so I understand your pain. (I’d say “feel” your pain, but right now I don’t have a UTI and I don’t want tempt the fates.) That orange color is quiet shocking on first look, but it does calm down after a few pisses. Or seven.

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  22. Avatar

    You’ve definitely got the art of writing down, but it’s a pity that none of your urologists ever told you how to avoid UTI’s. My significant other (# 2 wife) also used to have them, especially after we’d unwisely (though enthusiastically) indulged in oral sex (me to her) before actual intercourse. Turned out the secret of avoidance (as disclosed to me by an honest and wise urologist) was for her to have a BIG glass of water and pee before sex and a BIG glass of water and pee after sex. Oh yes, and also for me to swiggle and gargle with Listerine (or equivalent) before contacting her hoo-haa with my kisser. You see, Nate (and I) have more “pathogens” (germs) in our mouths than either we or you do in your bladder (which is supposed to be sterile). So, in future, whenever Nate – or whoever has the urge at the time – shows indications of being prepared to “go down” on you, insist that he go and swish his mouth out with antiseptic mouthwash. True, it may seem a bit of a turn-off to you, but trust me, if we’re in the mood to enjoy that sort of activity, we’re not likely to be turned off for long by a little antiseptic foreplay. Give it a try.
    Hope this is helpful. Believe me it’s based on many, many, many years of experience.
    All the best,

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