Apparently, my universe is getting more action than I am

This past Wednesday night, I found myself in brand spankin’ new territory.

Wishfully speaking, I’d have found myself lying on a beach in Hawaii, with my buff size 2 freshly waxed body decked out in a banging bikini.

Literally speaking, I found myself in banging-less jeans at the karate dojo which smells like feet and cheese, with my size NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS ass parked in a seat, watching my youngest practice skills that make my eldest daughter think twice about calling her a little snotty twerp. That is, provided my eldest tears her eyes off of the seventeen year old hot assistant instructor long enough to even notice her younger sibling. Just for the record, “hot” is her adjective, not mine. I personally think he has poor posture.

Figuratively speaking, I found myself in limbo because the winner of the Harry Mason $100 shopping spree giveaway, as announced on my blog this past Monday, did not claim the prize within forty-eight hours, leaving me, for the first time ever in the history of my giveaways, winnerless.

Also abandoned, alone and confused.

And starving.

Although most likely, that last one had nothing to do with the giveaway and everything to do with finding myself at weigh-in later that night. For twelve hours prior, I had been so preoccupied with ridding my body of as much weight as possible by plucking my eyebrows, shaving my body and exhaling that I totally forgot to eat.

That never happens either.

Someone is royally screwing with my universe.

So yesterday, I set about choosing an alternate winner. Or rather, did:




You probably don’t want to sit there and suffer through another long, boring, tedious explanation of how my blog theme Thesis gets its jollies by screwing with my comment numbering, right?

My God, don’t all scream at once.

So I’ll just link you to Monday’s post where I actually resorted to math to determine the original winning comment number.

Math. I know! Go ahead, universe. Just bend right on over.

I won’t subject you to the “m” word again. Suffice it to say that I used the same method to determine the alternate winner, which is:



Congratulations, Heather! Contact me at to claim your prize! No boots, but don’t worry. Everyone will be so busy staring at your ears, no one’s going to notice your feet. Unless they smell, in which case, go cop a squat at the nearest dojo. Your feet will fit right in. Trust me.

TO EVERYONE WHO ENTERED: Harry’s offer still stands! If any of you entered the giveaway HERE, email Harry Mason at harrymason @ harrymason . com (delete the spaces, please!) with a copy/paste of your comment and put “BIGO” in the subject line of your email. In return, Harry will bestow upon you a surprise of a very very very very nice nature! You do NOT want to miss it.


307 (number of comments on the first page of the giveaway post) + 224 (Heather’s winning comment number on the second page of the giveaway post) = 531 (the winning comment number.)

I’m sorry.

I couldn’t stand the thought of someone out there muttering HOW THE HELL DOES #224 EQUAL #531? IS SHE WHACK?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am totally whack. But for entirely different reasons than what you’re thinking.



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12 thoughts on “Apparently, my universe is getting more action than I am”

  1. Avatar

    Hah! Even though I’m miffed that I lost TWICE now (and another Heather? Just rub it in!!), I sure did enjoy the Harry Mason consolation prize. I’m almost consoled. But I will be sporting new earrings soon (they just shipped today, apparently). *bounce!*

  2. Avatar

    Sorry Heather! LOL

    Andy, thank you and Harry so much!!!! I’ve contacted you because I don’t want you to say lost in that alternate universe. I’d miss you chicky! Thank you thank you thank you!

  3. Avatar

    I’m stuck thinking about being on a beach in Hawaii…wouldn’t that be nice???

    $100 giveaway?? And someone didn’t get back to you? That’s just plain crazy.

    Give it to me.

    Oh, wait. You already picked a new winner.

  4. Pingback: » Blog Archive » Can I get a woohoo!

  5. Avatar

    One of my good friends is spending all month in that alternate universe of Hawaii, but I don’t think she does bikinis anymore. LOL

    I’m shocked! Shocked I tell you that the first winner didn’t snap that prize up!

    Off to pluck my own eyebrows because I succombed to the Cadbury Mini Ball ornament candy…

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    2nd chance I STILL didn’t win!! SNIFF! Congrats Heather!! Your ears will be the talk of the town:) ewwwww……I can’t imagine sitting in a dojo that smelled like cheese and feet!! YUCKY!! LOL!! Guess now I need to make my lazy fingers work to e-mail Harry! 😉

  7. Avatar

    I need an address to find the alternate universe, it sounds just like what I’m needing today. No not the address to the dojo you can keep that, all to yourself.

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