My week in pictures, which includes questionable footwear and genitalia

This weekend is my 25th high school reunion so after I write this, I am going to raid my refrigerator in search of botulism that I can inject into my face because I don’t have time or money for Botox. After that, I am going to take purple and blue gel pens and transform that ugly splotch of varicose veins on my left leg into a wicked Celtic knot tattoo. Then if I have time, I am going to liposuction my arms, neck and ass using a turkey baster and my Dyson.

In the meantime, here are some photos from this past week:

I treated myself to a pedicure and now my toes are sporting my new favorite color Diva of Geneva from the OPI Swiss collection Z17. They are also sporting my brand new sandals which I like to call stylish and comfy and Nate likes to call WHAT UP, SPARTACUS? I find it highly ironic that for the first time since high school when I was the first one to wear black patent leather four inch high stilletos, I am actually wearing something trendy while it’s trendy even though it dates back to the Roman Empire. But it’s better than what I usually do when it comes to fashion which is walk around as a living, breathing personification of a flashback. I’d explain this to Nate but he’s too busy building me a colosseum in our backyard and I’m too busy taking offense.

In my photography class, I’ve been practicing my depth of field. I tried to take a picture of my kids using this technique but they both graduated from college and got married while I was busy looking through my lens and mentally running through the 1,622 steps it takes me to compose a semi-decent shot. I’ve decided it’s a lot simpler to use inanimate objects for my photography lessons because subjects like these cement barriers don’t grow up while I’m calculating my aperture and shutter speed and don’t holler OH MY GOSH, MOM! HURRY UP! THE 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES ARE STARTING IN TWO YEARS while I’m setting my custom white balance and this serves to significantly decrease the risk of me having to interrupt my concentration to look up and yell WHO ARE YOU at brand new kids who suddenly appear on the scene, looking suspiciously like me and calling me Grandma.

My two youngest kids, asleep on the floor of my office. I love moments like this because I can rest easy that for the time being, no one is pooping behind my couch. Hallelujah and amen.

P.S.  I’m referring to Oliver.

P.S.2:  Oliver is the furry one.

If you follow me on Facebook and/or Twitter, you might recognize this as a local sculpture of what I believe to be of an enormous vagina. If you’re not following me, you’re probably relieved.

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18 thoughts on “My week in pictures, which includes questionable footwear and genitalia”

  1. I had a pair of Roman sandals the last time they were all the rage. Well, one of the last times, I suppose – I don’t really know for sure. Anyhow, back in the 80s when I was in high school and they were the in thing, I had a pair. I loooooved them. They had lots of straps, like yours, and they had a zipper up the part that went up the back of the heel so you didn’t have to fuss with the zillions of straps. You unzipped, slid your foot in, and zipped.

    Sadly, at school these particular sandals acquired the nickname “Heather’s Rear Entry Trojans” which ultimately led to me not wearing them anymore. Stupid high school.

    I actually held on to that pair of sandals for about a thousand years after high school, but they never came back into fashion so by the turn of the century, I finally gave up and donated them to Goodwill. Of course now they come back in fashion. Sheesh.

    Oliver looks positively gargantuan in that picture! OMG!!!

    I hope you have a most fantabulous time at your reunion – can’t wait to hear about it!

  2. I have to agree with Nate on the shoes. I’m kinda freaked out by thoughts that follow the spartacus reference because I now have mental images of you looking like one of Lucy Lawless’ handmaidens. (Great, I jus tahd to admit to watching Showtime’s version of Spartacus.)

  3. dude, I Just scrouged the internet and found a great deal on the entire swiss collection, and got it a few days ago. FANTASTIC!! Ive only tired the other purple- a color to watch? and it was gorgeous on. Have to say tho, nothin is as good as the alice in wonderland collection by opi. my fingers are sportin so much blue glitter right now I feel like I should be going to a drag queen event! Congrats on no one pooping behind your couch!

  4. One, LOVE the nail polish. I cannot get enough of OPI. I pick my nail salons by their product lines. No OPI, no touchie my piggies.

    Now you MUST tell me where you got the shoes. LOVE THEM.

    Let us know how the botulism trick works b/c I think I’ve got some brewing in the back of my fridge and these smile lines aint going anywhere.

  5. ok..LUV the sandals and that nail polish color!! LUV the depth of field shot…very awesome my friend, AND that adorable picture of Oliver and Helena! Good job all round! Hey when’s your reunion? Tomorrow? What’cha wearin’? I’ve got mine next year..I’ve tried telling the reunion powers that be that we need a non-formal function and can you believe it but someone said NO BOOZE! I was all over THAT one I tell ya!! GOTTA have LOTS and LOTS of booze at a 25th reunion!! LOL 😀

  6. A) It does look like a vagina
    B) I LOVE OPI nail polish! That brand has the best colors.
    C) My 25 year reunion is coming up faster than I care to admit
    D) I am green with envy over your camera. *pretends to wipe up drool from you bloggy*

  7. I just can’t get into the Roman sandals.

    I find it hilarious that you felt the need to point out that Oliver is the one who poops behind the couch.

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