Next time, I’ll bring the entire tool department from Home Depot with me

As it turned out, I wasn’t able to smuggle the Golden Gate Bridge into my carry on and take it back to New York with me.

Therefore, I was not detained by Homeland Security and thusly, did not experience my first ever strip search.

It wasn’t for lack of trying.

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But they bolted that sucker down hard and after a couple of minutes trying to unscrew various things here and there with my eyebrow tweezers, I gave up and started to cry but no one paid any attention to me so I stopped.

I’m all about conserving energy.

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I love the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s one of the reasons I love the city by the bay so much.

Well, that, and the fact that I was, and still am, a huge Journey fan and to this day, their song Lights can make me stop whatever I’m doing at the moment and relive my torrid love affair with Steve Perry for three long minutes.

I also adore San Francisco’s funky houses and mammoth hills and delicious food and eclectic shopping and low humidity.

But nothing beats the Golden Gate Bridge.

I can just stand there and stare at it for hours.

Kind of like I do with the baskets of laundry decorating my living room floor.

But the bridge is prettier.

And less stress-inducing.

I hate laundry.

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I love how the bridge plays peek-a-book with the fog.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all look this beautiful while in a fog?

I find myself in a fog quite a bit since I hit my forties but the best I’ve managed to look is confused.

And occasionally unconscious.

Did you know that the bridge is painted orange vermilion, also called international orange?

I told Nate, my ultra-conservative husband who was born with THE WORLD SHOULD BE PAINTED BEIGE tattooed on his bottom, that I want to paint a room in our house this color.

He pretended to have a coughing fit and hacked up a lung just for effect.

He can be such a drama queen at times.

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This is an example of one of the bridge’s cables.

It’s HUGE and made my thighs feel skinny.

Thank you, cable.

*smooches*

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I love how the Golden Gate Bridge is delicate and graceful and dignified and powerful all at the same time.

Just like me!

Except for the delicate and graceful part.

And the powerful part, depending on how bloated I am.

I am dignified, however.

Provided my bra fits me correctly and I’ve avoided dairy products.

Otherwise, all bets are off.

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I’ve visited this bridge three times in the last two decades.

The first time was twenty years ago, with myself.

The second time was ten years ago, with myself and my husband.

The third time was last week, with myself, my husband and my children.

If this continues, I’ll see it again in ten years time, with myself, my husband, my children and my grandchildren.

OH MY GOD.

Zoe and Helena, JUST YOU NEVER MIND. I MEAN IT.

Quick, somebody send me two nuclear armed chastity belts.

Thank you.

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I love how Helena likes to take pictures where things are coming out of Daddy’s head.

You can tell she’s descended from my mother.

Because according to my mother, if you are not going to chop off someone’s head entirely, then at least have something growing out of it.

My mother could have taught Annie Leibovitz a thing or two.

By the way, my camera is acting wonky. Every time it’s aimed at me, it causes me to gain forty pounds.

Weird.

I hope that’s covered under warranty.

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My girls were happy in this picture.

And then seven seconds later, a biker came racing up behind Helena and ran right into her, spinning her around and almost causing her to face-plant right at Zoe’s feet.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if the biker had apologized?

Or stopped?

That’s what I thought.

Stupid biker. May her ass grow a mind of its own, together with hemorrhoids the size of soccer balls by yesterday.

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This bridge is so majestic.

So beautiful.

I wish I could have taken it home with me.

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It would have looked perfect in our back yard.

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23 thoughts on “Next time, I’ll bring the entire tool department from Home Depot with me”

  1. Wowwww. Just love the teal and international orange contrast in those 1st two pics… and is Nate trying to grow a mustache? Or was that just vacation beard? You guys are so cute. =)

    And to the other posters who complain about not being first–you try living on the West coast and staying up till 2am… *grins* (note that it’s only 12:22 tonight–I’m early!)

  2. I will not start a brawl in the comments section with the West Coast interloper (who also is usurping my name, dagnabit) about who gets to be the first to comment on your blog.

    ‘Cause I’m dignified like that. Classy. Refined. *Not* the brawling type, at all.

    *snort*

    Those are fantastic pictures, despite your wonky camera. 😉 Mine has the same flaw – instead of “smile detection” it has “chin addition” which is just utterly annoying.

    I really do want to go to San Francisco sometime. However, I cannot hear the words “San Francisco” without remembering that old joke about Sam Clam and his disco. I wish I could remember it well enough to tell it now, but I learned it when I was approximately six which was approximately nine squillion years ago, give or take a few millenia. I wonder if I could find it on Google………….

    (You thought I was going to say “without hearing Tony Bennett singing” didn’t you? ‘Cause I’m so classy like that…)

    😀

  3. I’ve always wanted to visit San Francisco and this makes me want to go even more!! Hard to save up for that trip when you’re laid off from Home Depot. [heavy sigh] I’ll have to just rent Foul Play and The Rock yet again…

  4. We must have the same camera! You’ve gotten gorgeous, GORGEOUS photos of the bridge though and have therefore made me homesick again.

  5. Spectacular photos, my friend–just gorgeous! Glad you all had a grand time–and you’re so right, the bridge would look perfect in your back yard!

    Blessings!

  6. Great pictures. I’m always laughing when I read your blog, you are so funny! I visited SF about 10 years ago. I can’t believe how narrow some of those houses are and the hills are crazy. But the views are beautiful.

  7. It’s the only orange I like (well, other than anything orange that I can eat). My favorite city in the US, hands down, and top five in the world.

  8. ok..first..I have to say everytime I visit your blog your writing style totally makes me laugh my arse off. hilarious! second…wonderful pictures! the bridge is gorgeous and the company that I used to work for was a CA based company that actually had our logo painted in the international orange color – inspired by ………..yep you guessed it! 😉 great post!

  9. I lived in San Fran for 6 years when I was a kid. We moved when I was 10 and I haven’t made it back. I’m feeling a road trip coming on. 😉

  10. I suggest you have a big blowup of that photo of the bridge in your living room to look at while you’re folding the laundry! 🙂

  11. Andy – you always make me laugh! Damn cameras with their flaws adding weight to us unsuspecting victims. Geez! Those are wonderful pics – your family is beautiful as always. I’ve never been to San Fran but thinking I should definitely check it out! Thanks for sharing – and the chuckles!

  12. HEY!! is that what I think it is on Nate’s face?? a mustache? a little chin hairyness going on? tell him he’s lookin’ good 😀 GREAT photos btw!! Looks like you had fun! I’m on btw…messenger me??

  13. I really like that second to last picture, great perspective!

    The Golden Gate is amazing and beautiful. I’ve had the privilege of standing on and near it myself a couple of times. Glad you had a great trip (right?)!

  14. My husband lived in San Mateo for a while, soooo, I’m not all that surprised at the bicyclist. Last time I left CA after visiting him, I was cursing in the airport about rude ppl. LOL. *I’m just saying*.

    I loved the bay and went 3 times myself, all in 8 months tho. Next time, go on over, and drive about 3 hours north. You’ll see the most amazing place on the planet, the redwoods. Too bad I have to fly into the place I dislike the most to see them. (sanfran)

  15. SF is my favorite place in the whole wide world! When my husband and I were there in 07 we rented bikes and rode to Sausolito…let me tell you biking across the bridge in the fog wasn’t as fun as I’d planned 😉

  16. omg i about pee’d myself invisioning you w/ your tweezer trying to unscrew that baby! bwahahahha (PS… maybe you could put in a request to have the GWB painted orange?!) 😉 xo

  17. I love that bridge- the only bridge I’ll love cause bridges scare me. lol
    Hey, you won my contest-send me your mailing address so I can get it out to you…yeah!!!!

  18. Stunning photos (including the ones with you in them!)

    I do believe that apart from the wedding photos recently this is the first time I have seen photos of Nate. Have you been deliberately hiding him?

    My dh went to San Francisco for an IMPORTANT conference (holiday) which was VERY IMPORTANT (in a stunning city) and VERY WORTHWHILE (the emphasis was ALL HIS!) a couple of years ago. I am still considering whether to forgive him for going without me…..nah….I’ll make him suffer a little longer!

    (He DID take me to Vienna once, and that was wonderful)
    (Why are pediatric conferences always in such glamorous and stunning places?)

    Thanks for your comments as always – always make me smile. George (cat) is currently perfecting another relaxed pose. (or should that be purr-fecting)

    OK – I’ll stop now!

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