One year later. And my 82 year old mom is texting. It’s a tsunami of crazy.

Tonight will be exactly one year since my life shattered into a million little pieces of shit.

A lot has happened in this last year.

So much of it is too horrific for words.

But some of it is actually … well? Surprisingly, some of it is not too awful. Dare I say, maybe even verging on nice?

I never thought I’d be saying that anytime soon.

But shit or shine, I can’t talk about any of it yet. There are trials looming and attorneys everywhere and court dates popping up like zits and it’s all very dramatic and expensive and miserable and blah blah blah.

I can’t wait until it’s all over.

In the meantime, my 82 year old mother decided that I did not have nearly enough crazy around me so she decided to get herself a new cell phone and then she declared she was going to learn how to text even if it killed me her.

And my initial reaction was one of GOOD GOD, JUST PUNCH ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY.

Which was quickly followed by something akin to SERIOUSLY. GO HEAD. PUNCH ME. LOOK, I’LL EVEN STAND STILL. HURRY UP.

Because I knew what was coming.

*Ring Ring Ring*

Me:  Hi Mom.

Mom:  Andy? Andy? This is Mom.

Me:  I know, Mom.

Mom:  Andy?

Me:  I’m here, Mom.

Mom:  Andy???


Mom:  Peter! Peter! Come here. This new phone is not working. Peter! Are you listening to me? Andy can’t hear me either. What is wrong with everybody??

Me: MOM! Stop yelling at Dad. You’re phone is not broken. YOU ARE JUST DEAF.

Mom: Oh, Andy! There you are! Listen. I got a new cell phone. Nothing fancy. I told that young man at the store that I don’t want any bells or whistles. NO BELLS OR WHISTLES. I just want to get a call, make a call and text.


Mom:  Andy? Andy? What is that loud banging?

Me:  Nothing, Mom. I’m just bludgeoning myself with my crockpot.

Mom:  Whatever for?

Me:   Just preparing for the inevitable, Mom.

Mom:  You make no sense. Listen. Hang up because I’m going to text you.


*Ring Ring Ring*

Me:  Hi, Mom.

Mom:  Andy? We got disconnected. DAMMIT. I think this new cell phone is defective? Do I have to go all the way back to the store now? Who’s got time for that? GODDAMMIT.IT.ALL.TO.HELL.

Me:  Mom! Relax. You told me to hang up so I hung up.

Mom:  Oh! That’s what you did? Fine. OK. Hang up. I’m going to tex…


*One hour later*
Text from Mom: andy. i am texting. hello.

*Five seconds later*

*Ring Ring Ring*

Me: Hi Mo…

Mom: Andy! I just texted you! Did you get it?

Me: Yes, Mom.

Mom: Text me back!

Andy: Oka….


Text from me: Hey Mom! Congratulations on your texting! Love U!

*3.1 seconds later*

*Ring Ring Ring*

.Me: Hi Mo…

Mom:  Andy! I got your text! I just wanted you to know. Now, hang up. I’m going to text you again.


*One hour later*

Text from Mom:  hello. this is mom. hello.

*two seconds later*

*Ring Ring Ring*

Me: Hi. This is Andy. I can’t take your call right now because my mother is driving me batshit crazy. If you leave your …

Mom: Aaaaaaaaaaandyyyyyyyyyy!

Andy: What?!?

Mom:  There are no capital letters on my phone. I can’t find them anywhere. I knew this goddamn phone was defective. WHO MAKES CELL PHONES WITHOUT CAPITAL LETTERS?


Pray for me.








Creative Junkie

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