Tonight will be exactly one year since my life shattered into a million little pieces of shit.
A lot has happened in this last year.
So much of it is too horrific for words.
But some of it is actually … well? Surprisingly, some of it is not too awful. Dare I say, maybe even verging on nice?
I never thought I’d be saying that anytime soon.
But shit or shine, I can’t talk about any of it yet. There are trials looming and attorneys everywhere and court dates popping up like zits and it’s all very dramatic and expensive and miserable and blah blah blah.
I can’t wait until it’s all over.
In the meantime, my 82 year old mother decided that I did not have nearly enough crazy around me so she decided to get herself a new cell phone and then she declared she was going to learn how to text even if it killed me her.
And my initial reaction was one of GOOD GOD, JUST PUNCH ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY.
Which was quickly followed by something akin to SERIOUSLY. GO HEAD. PUNCH ME. LOOK, I’LL EVEN STAND STILL. HURRY UP.
Because I knew what was coming.
*Ring Ring Ring*
Me:Â Hi Mom.
Mom:Â Andy? Andy? This is Mom.
Me:Â I know, Mom.
Mom:Â Andy?
Me:Â I’m here, Mom.
Mom:Â Andy???
Me:Â I’M HERE, MOM.
Mom:Â Peter! Peter! Come here. This new phone is not working. Peter! Are you listening to me? Andy can’t hear me either. What is wrong with everybody??
Me: MOM! Stop yelling at Dad. You’re phone is not broken. YOU ARE JUST DEAF.
Mom: Oh, Andy! There you are! Listen. I got a new cell phone. Nothing fancy. I told that young man at the store that I don’t want any bells or whistles. NO BELLS OR WHISTLES. I just want to get a call, make a call and text.
*pause*
Mom:Â Andy? Andy? What is that loud banging?
Me:Â Nothing, Mom. I’m just bludgeoning myself with my crockpot.
Mom:Â Whatever for?
Me:Â Â Just preparing for the inevitable, Mom.
Mom:Â You make no sense. Listen. Hang up because I’m going to text you.
*click*
*Ring Ring Ring*
Me:Â Hi, Mom.
Mom:Â Andy? We got disconnected. DAMMIT. I think this new cell phone is defective? Do I have to go all the way back to the store now? Who’s got time for that? GODDAMMIT.IT.ALL.TO.HELL.
Me:Â Mom! Relax. You told me to hang up so I hung up.
Mom:Â Oh! That’s what you did? Fine. OK. Hang up. I’m going to tex…
*click*
*Five seconds later*
Me: Hi Mo…
Mom: Andy! I just texted you! Did you get it?
Me: Yes, Mom.
Mom: Text me back!
Andy: Oka….
*click*
Text from me: Hey Mom! Congratulations on your texting! Love U!
*Ring Ring Ring*
.Me: Hi Mo…
Mom:Â Andy! I got your text! I just wanted you to know. Now, hang up. I’m going to text you again.
*click*
*One hour later*
Text from Mom:Â hello. this is mom. hello.
*two seconds later*
*Ring Ring Ring*
Me: Hi. This is Andy. I can’t take your call right now because my mother is driving me batshit crazy. If you leave your …
Mom: Aaaaaaaaaaandyyyyyyyyyy!
Andy: What?!?
Mom:Â There are no capital letters on my phone. I can’t find them anywhere. I knew this goddamn phone was defective. WHO MAKES CELL PHONES WITHOUT CAPITAL LETTERS?
.
Pray for me.
.
44 thoughts on “One year later. And my 82 year old mom is texting. It’s a tsunami of crazy.”
I’m sorry, but that’s hysterical. Just wait until she gets bored and wants to learn Facebook.
I have accomplished looking like a loon today. I absolutely laughed out loud while sitting in the service department waiting room at the Honda dealership. The woman sitting across the room is now looking at me nervously. Success!
Oh good god. I hope my grandmother NEVER wants to learn to text. I would be standing in line with you to be punched. Your mom sounds like a riot!
BWAH HA HA HA HA. Welcome to my world (albeit in my world, the mother in question is only 68. so she has less of an excuse). It’s a whole new zipcode in Crazytown, my friend.
Also? Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past several weeks. I’m a craptastic friend. I’ll text you today. Then I’ll call you to make sure you got the text. Then I’ll hang up and text again. 😉
xoxo
Good to see and hear that you never lost your sense of humor, Andy. This is so funny that I’ve forwarded the link to your blog to several friends whom I know have lived through something like mothers who want to reinvent themselves. Praying that this next year is a year of continued good progress and healing.
Well, my dad texts me in all caps! :/
Anyway, welcome back and hope this year is much better!
LOL Andy -my 68 year old mother has a cell, but no texting – thank God!!
Hang in there!!!
At least you still have your funny. 🙂
Coffee sometime? Or ice cream? I need an update and I will come and be your ninja back up in court, kay?
Andy,
So nice to see you again! And funny! And batshit crazy! Well I don’t want you to be batshit crazy, but you know what I mean.
I have been spending the last 15 minutes since reading your post trying to come up with a solution. I’ve come up with:
NADA.
So sorry. I will keep thinking. But since I have my own mom worries these days (very different and not nearly as amusing as yours -in fact mine are downright serious and depressing as hell), I suggest you not hold your breath. Although I guess that actually could be one way to fix your problem…
Anyway, it is so very good to read your latest!
Carolyn
xoxo
Sounds like my mom when she got a computer and signed up for an email account. And don’t get me started with her and Facebook….
Oh how I’ve missed your posts. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. Where has this year gone?!
Hey, I have a great idea…just post your Mom’s number here and we can all be her texting friends. Although you know it might mean numerous phone calls and texts to you so she can tell you all about her funny new friends. Deal? I thought not.
You do still have your funny. Thanks for making me laugh.
LOL!! o.m.g. this is TOO funny Andy!! I’d DIE if my Dad and/or Joan starting texting!!! Come to think of it I’m sort of like your mom with texting at least with my phone (hate swype!!)! Anyway can’t believe it’s been a year…gotta be coming to a end eventually eh? Love you girl!
My mom started texting about 5 months ago because all her friends are texting their grandkids all the time & apparently having these great conversations with them. Mom’s grandkids are 6, 8, 8 & 9 years old so she has a few years before she can do that. So she decided to practice on my brother & I. Her big problem is she never remembers to charge her phone & then calls me on the landline to complain I never respond to her texts.
Oh my! I managed to hold it together until I got to the “no caps” part. Freaking hilarious! Love it!
Congratulations on making it Andy. My dad spent 5 months texting without knowing where the space bar was! And he has big old sausage fingers that didn’t work so well on a BB. My kids would text me and say…I think Poppa’s having a stoke! He is sending me gibberish!
So glad you are back. Your blog makes me laugh.
I think me and you should tell our crappy year to go shove itself in a dark drawer and then go on a cruise. You in?
My 58 year old mother knows how to text, capital letters and all. She will text my siblings and I throughout the day about what she’s doing and what her plans are. She even texts the people she’s living with. 🙂
Great to see your hilarious brain is still in there 🙂
We teach my mum text about every 6 months …… then she never does so she forgets ….. then we teach her again ……..
Oh my, if I were near you, I’d send you a bottle of vodka or something….I think you could use it. Thanks for the giggle.
Good Lord, please keep her off Facebook.
Glad to see you bringing the funny. I’m sure it’s not easy. xo
so very funny!! I wonder if I’ll ever get a phone to text with; but first I should get voicemail.
I see a book in your future – or a show on Bravo. Kathy Griffin’s got nothing on you and your mom.
It is really funny, but I can totally relate to this post. My parents, who are both self-confessed technophobes, drove me crazy when they decided to learn how to use a cellphone. In the end, we had to settle for the good old telephone.
My opinion, cut her some slack. At least she is doing fine; a little more training and she will be using her phone with ease.
I guess I’m a little more thankful now that my mother never turns hers on. 🙂
hello. i’m commenting andy. do you see it? hello.
Glad to see you back, Andy. Thanks for the giggle today. 🙂
Soooo glad to see you back in the land of blogging, Andy. I am following you from Perth, Western Australia. Trust me, your sarcastic, slighty unhinged *in-a-good-way* style translates well here…. I discovered you one dark night when listening to my son scream for hours ( the usual non-sleeping-baby night shift) and you have become my brilliant, scorching, solid link to sanity since that night. 18 months later and here I am again at midnight (he is awake now due to a fever/chesty cough combo) and I figured you would supply me with a dose of the funnies. I wasn’t wrong!! My M-I-L texts me frequently. But she has Parkinsons, so has devised her own abbreviation shorthand to save time/energy. Trust me, it rivals a tyipcal teenagers, although WAY less decipherable. For example: NNTR- doesn’t mean Not Nice Tart Raspberries (who knew?) but in Cynthia- text speak means no need to reply. Not that I usually wish to reply, but hat’s a WHOLE other bottle of vodka…. Anywhooo, just wanted to finally leave a reply, tell you I think you are mint ( west Aussie speak for awesome) thank you for making my nights bearable, keeping me from repeats of such highbrow television as Jersey Shore re-runs and to tell you stick in there. I’ve been where you are. It sucks more than aforementioned television programming. But it makes for some great wisdom and building of character, not to mention stress grey hairs and addictions to chocolate. It will end. I promise. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
😉
And I thought it was bad when I found that my drunk, crazy mother had a facebook page that said she was “interested in men”. I think I’d die if one of my older relatives started texting.
Mostly because I still don’t have a cell phone.
*giggles* You’re such a wonderful writer. *hugs*
You.Are.Awesome.Sauce.
Priceless. Utterly priceless.
I’ve missed reading your stories. I’m so sad that things happened to keep you from being able to tell your stories. I pray that the hard stuff to come, comes and goes with the best possible outcome for you and the girls.
As we both send our oldest kids off to college, I’ll be thinking of you!!!
Oh my, I enjoyed reading this post and was laughing the entire time! It’s so crazy! I wish my grandma will not think of getting a cell phone and start texting!
I guess that it is better than the case of my parents. They just won’t touch any gadget even with a ten-foot pole.
That is hilarious!
I’m glad that you’re finding some good moments among the mess. &I hope the bad moments are fewer & farther between soon! Also, I was literally laughing out loud at your conversation- that would totally be my mom if she had a phone. 🙂
Wow! Your mom is so cool. I only know 80 years old granny who knows how to call using mobile phone. It’s incredible to know that there are oldies who know how to text.
LOL, you had me rolling.
And I’m so glad things are getting better. xoxo we’re all pulling for you and your girls!
I guess you should go easy on your mom. Just call it as a reversal of roles. Remember the time when you were taught to tie your shoelaces?
I just found your blog yesterday and had a “creative junkie” fix by reading most of your blogs. I hope you are ok as it’s been months since you blogged. Where r u? I love your honesty, witty sense of humor. You had me laughing out loud sooo many times. Maybe you aren’t in a laughing mood these days but I sure hope you come back. Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving…
Hey Andy,
Happy New Year to you and your family. Hope you, your kids, your parents and Oliver are doing fine.
Ha! Thanks for making me laugh and stimulating that part of my brain called “Sense of Humor!”
I got my mum texting and she is 72, I really like getting messages from her but last week she asked if she would be able to understand a laptop. I havent quite worked the answer to that question yet!
That is just to funny!