She’ll never listen to “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” the same way again

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On our way to Target last week:

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Zoe (15 year old, passenger seat): Oh, you’re never going to believe what happened to L and me the other day.

Me (none of your business, driving): What?

Helena (9 years old, back seat): Talk louder! I can’t hear you!

Zoe: So L and I are in Target the other day and we’re in this aisle and this really old couple was in back of us. They were probably eighty or something. And they start arguing about something and they kept fighting really loud for a couple of minutes …

Helena: You and L were fighting?

Zoe: HELENA! Am I talking to you?

Helena: Apparently not. SORRRR-EEEE.

Me: Stop it, both of you. Go on, Zoe.

Zoe: So, they’re arguing about what kind to get …

Me: What kind of what?

Zoe (annoyed): If everyone would just stop interrupting me! I’m getting to it!

Helena: Mom, can I get gum there?

Zoe: Can you NOT interrupt me? Can you BE any ruder?

Me: No, no gum.

Helena: What? Did you say yes?

Me: I SAID NO GUM. YOU HAVE ENOUGH GUM.

Helena: I chewed it all up yesterday! And I am not being rude. You are. Zoe, I meant. Not you, Mom. You’re just being mean.

Zoe: So, L and I turn around and then we see what they were arguing about and oh my God! We died, Mom! We just died!

Me: What were they getting?

Helena: WHO DIED?

Zoe (yelling in back of her): HE-LE-NA! BE QUIET!

Me (yelling at Zoe): Stop yelling at your sister!

Helena (vindicated): YEAH!

Me: So, what was it? Hemorrhoid cream? Monistat gel? Fungal cream?

Zoe (pausing): Ummmmm ….

Me: Wart medicine? Enema bags? Jock itch stuff? Jockstraps?

Helena: Did you just say jockstrap? What’s a jockstrap?

Zoe: It’s like special underwear for boys.

Helena: Ewwwww. Did you have to tell me that?

Me (starting to screech from paranoia): Thongs? Laxatives? What?!?

Zoe: Ummmm ….

Me (eyes bulging out of my head):Β  OH MY GOD, IS TARGET SELLING PORN?

Helena: Corn? Target sells corn? Can we get some?

Zoe and I (in unison): HELENA! BE QUIET!

Helena: What’s wrong with corn?

Me: Zoe, tell me right now or I swear to God, I’m stopping this car right …

Zoe:Β  (whispering) . . . you know whats.

Me: I know whats? What the hell are whats?

Zoe (gritting teeth): You know! You know whats! For down there?

Me (clueless): Tampons?

Zoe (shouting): UGH, STOP MOM! Fine.

Zoe (looking behind her and whispering): Condoms.

Me (dubious): Condoms?

Zoe (outraged): Don’t say it out loud!

Helena (curious): What’s a condom?

Zoe (eyes rolling): Oh my God.

Me (smiling): Awww! That’s kind of cute!

Zoe (grossed out): How in the world is that cute?

Helena (insistent): Hello? Back here! What’s a condom?

Me: (lowering my voice, peeking back at Helena): Because it’s nice to know that they still … you know … get happy

Zoe (appalled): Mom! Did you hear me? They were old! Like, old! Older than Grandma and Papa old! Like, wrinkled and stuff!

Helena (frustrated): WHAT’S A CONDOM?

Zoe and I (in unison): NEVERMIND

Me (annoyed): Oh, I get it. So, older people shouldn’t … you know … ?

Zoe (mortified): Uh, nooooooooo! Hello? That’s is just … UGH.

Helena (resentful)): FINE! NEVERMIND!Β  I’ll just be back here, ignoring you. SO THERE.

Me (remorseful): I’m sorry Peanut. Just give me a minute.

Me (laughing): And what’s so awful about it, Zoe? What’s wrong with it? Older people aren’t allowed to … get happy?

Zoe (disgusted): Oh, geez, Mom! C’mon! It’s gross! I mean, ewwwww.

Me (amused): So, once we have kids and what, turn forty? Fifty? That’s it? We’re cut off? No more … getting happy?

Helena (mouth hanging open): Umm, HELLO? I know what you’re talking about! This is not appropriate conversation! I’m telling Daddy! Oh my gosh.

Me: What are we talking about?

Helena: I’m not saying it out loud. Oh my gosh.

Zoe: Oh, please, Mom. C’mon, it’s not like you … I mean … you and Nate … you guys don’t … oh my God … (staring at me)

*silence*

Zoe: OH MY GOD.

*silence*

Zoe (cringing): You guys get … happ … OH MY GOD.

Me (defensive): Oh, give me a break, Zoe. It’s not like we’re killing baby seals.

Helena: I’M TELLING DADDY. OH MY GOSH.

Zoe (horrified): You mean you and … OH MY GOD … THAT IS JUST DISGUSTING! (eyes rolling in back of her head) I’m going to be sick.

Me (exasperated): We’re not dead, you know! Just because …

Zoe: NOT LISTENING, NOT LISTENING … STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING … NANANANANANANANANANA

Helena: WAIT. What exactly are we talking about?

Me (resigned): JUST FORGET IT! QUIT TALKING! EVERYONE!

Zoe (stunned, wishing Target never sold condoms): Fine.

Me (exhausted, wishing Target had just sold porn): Fine.

Helena (confused, wishing Target had just sold corn): So, can I get gum?

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125 thoughts on “She’ll never listen to “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” the same way again”

  1. I remember that moment of awakening when I was a kid. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the thought of my parents … doing… you-know-what!!! I had to go on holidays with them when I was 19 and I spent the whole holidays being disgusted about it. And now I’M the parent and my eldest daughter is 18! I love pushing the boundaries and having these “disgusting” conversations with my girls!!

  2. Get happy,such a quaint expression, so much nicer than bonking. Thanks for making me laugh…again.
    Unrelated but I made jewelry holder similar to yours. It’s on my blog and I give you full credit of course.

  3. I guess I fall firmly into the “too old to get happy” category then, as when I read the words “get happy” the first thing that popped into my mind wasn’t Bobby McFerrin, but this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOiKa51ll-k

    Then again, Don’t Worry, Be Happy came out while I was in high school, so I suppose that means I’m too old since that was 20ish years ago anyhow……………….

    I laugh at your pain now, knowing full well I’m headed into that same conversational realm in just a few more years (if I’m lucky – Kiddo was discussing the whole concept of pregnancy over dinner last night. Hubby helpfully remembered someplace else he had to be and abandoned me to field the grown-up end of things. Fun!).

  4. Fantastic, thanks for the giggle. My son (12) asked what I was laughing about so I read it, out loud, to him. You should have seen his facial expression … priceless!

  5. I had to wait to stop laughing so hard to comment! It was this line that sent me over the edge – “Oh, give me a break, Zoe. It’s not like we’re killing baby seals” because I can so hear myself saying it someday. My kids aren’t even sure what sex is yet but I know my day is coming.

  6. Wait….after reading it again I have to wonder, how OLD were these ppl really? I mean, if they were older than Grandma and Grandpa why would they even need to worry about birth control? *snork*

  7. Bwwahahahahahahahaha….oh, I’m sure this conversation will be coming soon. And that was my thought too – if they were so old, why were they worrying about birth control in the first place? Too funny, Andy!

  8. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! That is priceless!!!! Poor Zoe! I’m with her!! LOL!! I remember when my dad married Joan, keep in mind I was in my 20’s then, anyway the thought occurred to me after they told me about the wedding and honeymoon…**excuse me but I just vomited a little in my mouth from thinking back about it** again!! SHUDDER!!

    Course it’s different with hubby and me πŸ˜‰ I’m always flipping out worried about noise of ANY kind when we’re doing the deed! LOL

    oh and btw…does Target sell corn?? πŸ˜€

  9. Too funny!!!!!!!!!!! Love your blog. my gf sent me a link twice in the past week and I’m going to put it in my Favourites, it’s a must-read every day from here on.

  10. haha! this sounds like a conversation my mom, sister and i would have had. although she was a single mom, so it would have been exponentially gross back then. now i’m like, ya know… “*high five* mom! way to go!”

  11. Oh my gosh! This is HILARIOUS!!! Hahahaha! Love it!
    And why on earth do 80 year olds need condoms anyways? I mean, are they really sleeping around and need to worry about diseases?

  12. This sounds EXACTLY like a conversation my 15 year old self had with my mom. EXACTLY. I mean. I think you just pulled a memory out of my brain and wrote it in your blog. Only I have a little brother.

  13. OH MY GOD… its not like we’re killing seals… I seriously almost fell off my chair at work and that totally not appropriate… or good for my hips!

    Happy SITS day! I will be following!:)
    Danielle

  14. That kind of conversation sounds so familiar. I have 2 daughters (13 & 19). Just wait until your 9y/o turns 13 & this conversation comes up. It still grosses out my 13y/o (and I hope it does for quite along time).

  15. For some reason, that “Get Happy” song by Judy Garland started singing about in my head… OMG, now I feel about as old as that couple. And not as happy ;(.

    This was absoloutely hilarious. BTW, my 9 year old tells me you lose more brain cells the more you chew gum. I think he came up with that to make him feel better about not chewing anymore now that he has braces!

    Great post!

  16. When my hubby and I are tired of kids in the house we go into our room, shut the door, then one of us starts jumping on the bed, that clears the house REAL QUICK. We have about an hour and a half of peace and quiet.

  17. Me *gasping for air* – sounds like inside my mini van but I’ve got two more piping in. Still laughing. But harder. And now tears are streaming down my face.

  18. Reminds me of when I was away at a Christian convention as a teenager and at one of the sessions the speaker said “you know, while you are all away, your parents are probably doing it on the kitchen table right now!” You can bet that none of us wanted to eat at the table ever again. Oh, and it did nothing to suppress the hormones of the attendees LOL.

  19. That story is a SCREAM! I wish my friends were here with me to read it. It’s the kind of thing that would send us all into a roar! Do you do stand-up? Outrageous, SITSta!

  20. OH this is hilarious! I hope I have some time left before I start having these type conversations with my kiddos. I have a feeling it’s much funnier to read about someone else going through it!

  21. Oh man, now I see where the whole “cutting babies out of bellies or birthing them out of butts” story is going to go when my kids are teenagers. You’re on my blogroll now…no no! Don’t object! It’s my decision.

    I am hopping over from SITS btw, I forget to say that HAPPY SITS DAY stuff…so there I said it. word.

  22. I knew it! Yep! I’m dying…laughing! That is absolutely the best thing I’ve read all morning. OF course I just got up and dressed but I’ve got yet more to read from you! LOL

    sweetjeanette.blogspot.com

  23. If my memory serves me correctly, I think Wal-Mart sells their corn a tad bit cheaper than Target. Your kids are so funny!

    My best, Lynn
    Happy SITS day!

  24. I like how Zoe thought porn was corn. I never wanted to think of my parents getting happy but now I am thinking about how my kids may take this info someday. YIKES!

  25. HAHAAHAHAH oh man.

    Also, I forgot that my 8 year old daughter is at work with me today, looking over my shoulder reading this post until she says “What’s a condom?”

  26. Oh my goodness, you are now like my favorite writer. At least for the next 10 minutes while I click through to read everything else you’ve posted. I mean it though, I’m totally sending this post to all of my family to read, and I don’t often tell them to read blog posts that I didn’t write. πŸ™‚

    Have an Extraordinary Day!

  27. HA HA HA! I bet that couple was my grandparents. If you go over in the middle of the day and the door is locked – DO NOT KNOCK. Turn around, get in your car and drive away. FAST!

    Although I do have to wonder… why was an OLLLLL-DDDDD couple buying condoms? Are they really worried about getting pregnant…. well I suppose if they are really frisky they could be worried about STDs…. hmmmm. Gotta love old codger sex.

  28. Your life could be a movie. I love it. God Bless Grandma and Grandpa for getting it on…but here’s my question. The condoms? Is she scared of getting knocked up? Do they have multiple partners? What is going on in the old folks home????

    Happy SITS.

  29. well, just great – thanks! Now, not only am I in trouble for laughing really loud while I was reading this and waking up the husband (who is decidedly unconcerned about Target corn OR old people having sex), but now I am never going to tell my kids about “getting happy” until they ARE old! And they’ll probably have to go to a therapist, and he’ll tell them it’s my fault, and send the bill to me. awesome.

    i need some gum.

  30. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious. Reminds me of a girl I went to nursing school with; she was so grossed out and thought that all “old” people should be banned from sex….me, I think it’s cute….they still love each other after all this time.:)

  31. That post was hysterical. You are one funny gal. So I’m wondering what exactly those two oldies needed condoms for. Obviously not pregnancy, although today who knows. Soon it’ll bee Octograndmom

  32. Oh my God, that is priceless.

    I remember the day I found condoms in my dad’s bedside drawer (don’t ask what I was looking for in the first place).

    It was never that funny though.

  33. This completely reminded me of the time I was Zoe’s age and came home to find my parents bedroom door mysteriously closed in the middle of the day with…weird sounds emanating from the room. I stood for a moment wondering what was going on and when it clicked I was HORRIFIED. I can still remember how grossed out I was to find out that my parents still got happy. Ah memories.

  34. I prefer to think that I arrived via stork. Once in my adult life I was in my parent’s family room during what was supposed to be an afternoon nap time. I woke up and heard things that made me think that my parents might still get happy. I nearly died. I don’t think it’s natural to feel okay with thinking of your parents (or holy heck your grandparents) still getting it on. They do it once to have a kid and then NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

  35. OMG … hilarious!! I have 2 boys (ages 5 and 3). I can only imagine the conversations I am going to have with those two when they are older. LOL!!
    New to SITS, love your blog!! :o)

  36. oh my gosh…….I can not stop laughing….ahhhh i have tears…..wow….my family is looking at me like i have lost my mind!!!!!! now that is some funny stuff right there!!!! thanks you made my day…or nite!!!!

  37. I read this just before bed, and now I am going to fall asleep laughing, dreaming about old people, corn, little girls asking what a condom is, and that crazy comment from someone about jumping on the bed! You are HILARIOUS!

  38. OMGosh! I am sooooooooooooooooooooo glad that I don’t have two kids….I’m with Kim – why do older people need condoms?

    And I’m so glad I have not yet had my son wonder about things like that….yet! (thankfully he’s only 12!)

  39. Priceless. Just priceless. Absolutley hilarious! It sounds like a conversation I would have had with my Mom at that age! Hee-Hee! And I still don’t like thinking about my Grandparents…you know…getting happy! Eeew! Although I sure hope that when I’m nice and Grandparent-age, I’ve still got it! lol. So did Helena ever get her gum?

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