****S*M*A*C*K****

That’s me, bitch-slapping 2011 to the curb where, if there is a God, it will be run over by an endless herd of confused, pissed-off, incontinent, irritable bowel suffering buffalo with elongated, oozing testicles and no sense of direction.

These were, above and beyond, the absolute worst 365 continuous days I have ever had to endure and I’ve never been so ready to slap a new calendar on my fridge in all my life and not just because it will hide those mysterious streaks that won’t go away no matter how many times I scrub them raw with a Windex/vinegar/DAMMIT DAMMIT SHIT BALLS DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL concoction.

Let’s hear it for a brand new shiny year filled with skyrocketing 401Ks, plummeting gas prices, awesome shoes, ULTA coupons that never expire, Anderson Cooper cell phone numbers in my Inbox and a new, easy FDA-approved method of getting rid of unwanted facial hair and husbands who spend $areyoufuckingkiddingme  because they can’t keep their pants zipped.

Let’s hear it for fresh starts, new beginnings and a whole mess of magnificent happy!

Let’s hear it for a better run for all of us in 2012 and isn’t it nice that we’ll get 366 days to celebrate it instead of 365? I’m going to yell YOU BET YOUR SKINNIER, FIRMER, LESS CELLULITE-FUL ASS on that one because I’m an optimist.

Happy new year, everyone! May we find ourselves actually living these days instead of simply surviving them.

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Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Beth Larrabee - December 30, 2011

Happy New Year Andy! 2011 can’t go away fast enough!

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Amanda - December 30, 2011

Amen, and just in case, I’m invoking every Irish superstition I can come up with for a better year in 2012. I don’t care how crazy people think I am.

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stacey@Havoc&Mayhem - December 30, 2011

Happy New Year!!

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Carolyn - December 30, 2011

Here Here Andy! And on another note, have you gone on Pinterest (i.e. Crackville) to see if you can find a solution to the refrigerator issue? Just a thought.

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Carolyn - December 30, 2011

Oh and speaking of Pinterest, DON’T look up Nutella on there. Unless you want to gain 900 pounds and be eligible for The Biggest Loser, Season 14: Bloggers Gone Bad.

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Barb - December 30, 2011

You certainly deserve a MUCH better 2012. Love ya!

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Kellie - December 30, 2011

Happy New Year Andy!! May 2012 be filled with nothing but positive things for you!

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Ann - December 30, 2011

Great post Andy. 2011 wasn’t my best year either, although it pales in comparison to yours. But dammit, I am going to take away some valuable lessons from it and make 2012 that much better! I love your posts and I am glad the old Andy is back. Happy New Year!

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Dee - December 30, 2011

Amen, Sister! You deserve an awesome 2012! I can’t really beat your horrible year, but 2011 sucked for me big-time, too – my mother nearly died in my arms, my daughter left home to live with a drug dealer and I STILL can’t find a full-time job. Almost anything short of those disasters in 2012 will be an improvement.
Hang in there! It’s almost over…

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Diane - December 30, 2011

Wow, you’ve really put on your lady balls, good for you and Happy New Year!

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RoseJ - December 30, 2011

A productive new year will be. Happy New Year.

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Angie C. - December 30, 2011

2011 sucked some big fat ass for me too.

Here’s to a 2012 that makes others wish they were us! 🙂

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Cheryl - December 30, 2011

Thanks for this post (laughing out loud!) and all others! Can’t wait to read many more in 2012!

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Steffanie - December 30, 2011

You are my #f**kingnumberonehero. And you just wrote my 2012 anthem.

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Martha - December 30, 2011

I’ve been looking forward to a GOOD #f**kinggetmeintoanotherlife since approximately 2009!! THIS will be the year or I give up! Here’s to a new and better 2nd half of our lives!
Luv ya kiddo!

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Garianne Fuentes - December 30, 2011

Absolutely !!! I can’t wait to start the next year and hopefully a calmer and positive one.
As for you, you are doing fabulously !!!

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Bobbie - December 30, 2011

Why does this post have me humming .. “Let’s hear it for the…” from Footloose?! Just me? LOL I hope 2012 is a MUCH better year for you (and the rest of us). 2011 can take a hike!

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Janmary, N Ireland - December 30, 2011

Here’s to LIVING in 2012 – not just surviving.

Happy New Year to you and yours (but not him!) from N Ireland.

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Nicki - December 30, 2011

sounds like a plan! Happy New Years!

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Heather M - December 31, 2011

Yes. that. Please. In spades. for everyone!

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Tania - December 31, 2011

I think that sounds like a great plan. Best wishes for you in 2012.

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Davinia - December 31, 2011

The old Andy is back (and I mean that it the nicest possible way). I have no doubt the coming year will be fantastic and brilliant for you and your girls and Oliver.

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Gwen - December 31, 2011

Andy,

May 2012 give you peace and lots of great things! I know 2011 sucked but you deserve
much happiness and greatness in the new. You are an awesome person and can’t wait to
read about your awesomeness in 2012! Thanks for writing!

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Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity - December 31, 2011

You also need Anderson Cooper to be slapped by the Straight Faerie. LOL

And we all need for that pesky 2012 prediction to not be true, because if it is? Why the fuck is anyone setting resolutions to lose weight be better, etc.? I say LIVE LIFE and don’t give a damn. Just have fun. But that’s only if that prediction isn’t true. LOL

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Heather T. - December 31, 2011

YEAH! You tell ’em!!!

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Krissy - January 2, 2012

I will agree with you here, 2011 was the worse year I have ever had and I didnt think anything could be worst than 2010.

I hope you have a good new year and I get out of my hole too!

All the best

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Amy Kinnaird - January 2, 2012

2012 is going to be YOURS! Best wishes.

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Christi - January 3, 2012

Andy, who made you change the 3rd paragraph??? Definitely different verbage there now . . .

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Desiree D'Souza - January 3, 2012

Happy New Year to you and the kids, Andy!

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joyce - January 5, 2012

Best of luck ..Hope your 2012 is really good than last year…Thanks for sharing..

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Catherine Davis - January 14, 2012

I’m with you! You deserve an amazing year and I hope you get it.

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Jeanine - January 16, 2012

Hope this year is better for you unlike last year..Keep up the good work always..Nice sharing..

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Poppy - January 16, 2012

I am definitly with you there, 2011 was the most horrible year, nothing went right and it left me a mess financially. I am hoping for a big pickup in 2012, all the best to you!

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joceycakes - January 18, 2012

Fuck ya lady! LOVE THIS POST! HERE WE GO 2012! Let’s kick its ass 😉
xooo
Jocey

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Grey - January 19, 2012

All my best wishes are with you. Hard to left those memories behind but life is moving forward. This year, 2012 will be more excitement and lots of good things that will happen. Happy New Year.

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Lori in Phoenix - January 30, 2012

Andy, so so good to see you back! I always enjoyed reading your blog and laughing my ass off! 2011 was a sucky terrible $omigodareyoufuckingkiddingme kind of year and I second your post that thankfully the terrible thing is over. Looking forward to a way better (it can’t get worse right?) 2012 and laughing with you again! Take care of you and your girls – oh and Oliver too! 🙂

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Dee - September 30, 2016

Man I still miss this blog. I wish Andi would come back to us !!!

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