So, excercise did not kill me. My entire belief system is shaken to its core.

I’ve been taking a brisk two mile walk a few times a week since June and by brisk, I mean that I walk fast enough to create a nice, cool breeze and yet, paradoxically, I actually sweat ten minutes in.

Why doesn’t life make sense?

And why don’t we use the word “paradoxically” more often?

The first time I became aware of this conundrum, it completely freaked me out and I jumped all around on the sidewalk, swatting at my chest and shrieking, thinking that bugs were congregating in my bra and having orgies.

But it was only the dripping of sweat.

Yes, people. I am willingly sweating, in an attempt to get healthy.

And while I’ve been sorely tempted, I have not yet ripped all the skin off my body and replaced it with a sparkly neon blue jumpsuit made out of ice packs and a portable air conditioner.

And you know what else? I have not eaten a donut in two weeks.


I mean, I’ve obviously been privy to this information this whole time but … I don’t know … it’s just so much more profound when I actually type it out loud.

I need a minute to process this.

And possibly cry.


Even though I’ve been taking these walks for several weeks now, I still stand in my driveway when I’m finished and simply wait to be blinded by my own perspiration or for a heart attack to take me right then and there, if only so I can shout to no one in particular SEE? I TOLD YOU SO. CAN I HAVE THE DAMN DONUT NOW?

But so far, I’ve only managed to successfully blind myself twice. I wind up trudging inside the house and jumping into the freezer, resigned to my fate of repeating the entire disgusting, miserable, sweaty process the next day.

Exercising makes me cranky. A little insight to my mental state of mind before, during and after my walk:


8:00 am:     Shit.

8:02 am:     Oh! Is that rain? Oh, please please please let it be rain. PLEASE. I can’t walk if it’s raining, right?

8:03 am:     Ummm, yeah. Thanks, God. Thanks a lot. Why’d you even bother? Would a thunderstorm have killed you?

8:04 am:    Yeah, like a rainbow makes it all better.

8:06 am:    UGH. It’s hot.

8:07 am:   So freaking hot.

8:09 am:    I can do this. I can do this.

8:10 am:    I cannot do this. I just can’t.

8:11 am:     Are my feet really this big? Is it the sneakers?

8:12 am:    Hello? Why are you calling me? I’m exercising. No, you cannot have baked ziti for breakfast. No. Have a bagel. You used to like them. Since when? You know what? I don’t care. I am walking and sweating. Goodbye.

8:13 am:    Stop calling me.

8:14 am:    I mean it.

8:14 am:    Ooh, ooh, anytime that you want me … ooh, ooh, anytime that you need me … oooh, ooh, anytime tha… Wait. What? Oh, come on! NO WAY.

8:14 am:    Pick up, pick up, pick … Hello? Who used my iPod and didn’t recharge it? Did I say you could? Dammit, I need to have things that are just mine. MINE. There are boundaries. You can’t just … *beep* … hey, what was that? That beep! … *beep* … That one! Wait, what? … *beep* …  My phone is going dead? … *beep* … What do you mean? I never even use it!  …*beep* …  WHO USED UP MY PHONE? There are boundar … *beep* … Hello?

8:15 am:    Oh, that’s great. Just great. Fine. I hope a car hits me. I’ll be lying dead in those bushes, not that they would know since I can’t call them. They’ll find my rotting corpse next week. Who’s going to make sure there’s milk and bread come this winter when we’re buried under ten feet of snow? Then they’ll be sorry.

8:16 am:     Fine.

8:17 am:     FREAKING FINE.

8:18 am:     UGH. UGH. UGH. This is so gross. I hate summer. I hate everything.

8:18 am:     *sniff* … ewwwww … is that … *sniff sniff* … Oh God, it’s me. UGH.

8:19 am:     Don’t forget to tape Real Housewives tonight. Don’t forget to tape Real Housewives tonight. Don’t forget to tape Real Housewives tonight.

8:20 am:     Would it kill the town to plant a few trees? What’s with all the bushes? What the hell am I paying taxes for? A forest for hobbits? Am I a hobbit? No. Thusly, I should not be paying taxes.

8:21 am:     I forgot my watch. Wonder what time it is. I’m hungry. My hair hurts.

8:22 am:     Who paints their house that color? Anarchists?

8:22 am:     Maybe they’re color blind.

8:22 am:     I feel bad now. I’m sorry, weird purplish, blue-green house with orange shutters. Why can’t I just shut up?

8:23 am:     I can do this. I can do this! How does that go? That which doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger? Yeah, that’s it. Stronger! I CAN DO THIS.

8:25 am:     Who’s the asshat that came up with that one? Nietz, something or other.

8:26 am:     Like he had nothing better to do than sit around all day, trying to sound deep. Must be nice.

8:28 am:     Make me stronger, my ass. Oh yeah? I’m raising a teenager and I’m still alive. Barely. And yet, I have the arm strength of Gumby.

8:29 am:     And the wherewithal of a potato. EXPLAIN THAT ONE, NIETZSCHE. Or whatever the hell your name is.

8:30 am:     Yeah, that’s what I thought.

8:30 am:     Say it to the booty ‘cuz the hand’s off duty, Nietz.

8:30 am:     My feet hurt. Stupid flat feet. Thanks a lot, Mom. Really. Owner of the highest arches in the eastern hemisphere save for Mickey D’s and I wind up with flat feet. Oh, but I got her love of books. Big whoop. How the hell is my reading Little Women at nine years old going to help my thighs not rub together now? Answer me that one, Mom.

8:31 am:     Oh my freaking God, are you talking on a cell phone while driving? In a school zone. Are you stupid? I should call the cops and have you busted.

8:31 am:     I totally would, if my phone worked. See Zoe? If you hadn’t texted the entire world on my phone last night, I could probably save a life right now.

8:32 am:     Look. He’s still talking. Blah blah blah blah blah BLAH. Why do stupid people breed?

8:32 am:    Just SHUT UP already, Andy.

8:33 am:     Holy crap, that is a big dog. My whole head could fit in his mouth. He’s still peeing … still peeing … and still peeing. He must have a bladder the size of … I don’t know. How big is a giant dog’s bladder normally? One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi … Wow. Just wow. It’s a virtual sea of urine.

8:34 am:     If they ate my ziti, I am going to scream.

8:34 am:    Oh, no way. NO NO NO NO NO. I’m almost home! Oh, please please please …

8:35 am:    Are you freaking serious? Now it rains? I can see my house! Please, just sprinkles. PLEEEEEASE.

8:35 am:    Sure. A monsoon. Why the hell not? What, the 97 inches of rain we’ve had this summer wasn’t enough?

8:36 am:    Oh my God, am I …? No way. DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY SWEAT IN THE RAIN?

8:36 am:    Apparently so. Who knew? Not me, that’s who.

8:36 am:    I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

8:37 am:    So much.

8:38 am:     Shit.


Don’t you love it when things come around full circle?



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20 thoughts on “So, excercise did not kill me. My entire belief system is shaken to its core.”

  1. Avatar

    I’m not exACTly envious… but do you know how long it’s been since I was able to have any kind of exercise plan that I could perform outside the house, BY MYSELF??? Cuz when the boy is along, all the swear words that come bubbling up just have to be swallowed, and then I get indigestion along with everything else. Sheesh.

    So glad you’re so funny. =)

  2. Avatar

    This is why I belong to the gym. If I had to work out in this heat & rain I would never do it. Of course right now I am trying to motivate myself to go to the gym. Fridays are a motivational challenge for me

  3. Avatar

    See now I would have tied a donut to the end of a fishing pole and ran after it, you know holding out infront so you cannot reach it. Then when you get home it would be gross and you would not want it, see that could work.

  4. Avatar

    Well done on your walk. Just wish I had the willpower to make myself do it everyday. I can think up all kind of excuses….too hot in summer, too cold in winter, too much pollen flying around in spring, still getting over the long hot summer in autumn. It’s all too hard.

  5. Avatar

    ROFLMAO Well done!
    I am excused from walking at the moment because, coming into Spring means that its magpie swooping season! Choosing between going out walking and getting attacked by an angry mumma bird or staying at home/taking car really isn’t that hard ;o)
    However, DH is now getting me a Wii Fit instead LOL

  6. Avatar

    Andrea, you need an iPod, girlfriend. Get some music in your head and it will be louder than the anxiety. I know it works for me…

  7. Avatar

    Rofl..andy. Expect I would be running those two miles thinking the same thing about the smell and realizing its me.

    If it helps come over to my healthy blog. I will leave a link for you to check out. Its free to use, free encouragement, free recipes if I can ever remember to get my shit together, and free product reviews.

    You are doing good. Yes, the phone calls are annoying in the middle of a good rhythm. What’s even more annoying is the ipod dying in the middle of the rhythm. Yes, there is rhytm when you walk or run. its always been there. It was just hiding.

    No donut for two weeks..I say its okay to have a “baked” one as a reward for going for two weeks without. No joke. Its okay for an occassional donut but not everyday.

  8. Avatar

    hahahahahahaha! GOSH, this is exactly like what I’ve been going through trying to exercise more. It is so, so, so true how the dialogue runs full circle in my head – totally maddening. “I hate this. I hate this. I this. I can do it. But I hate this.” Oh God, and the wish for rain!! It is such a bittersweet thing. I love the feeling after I’ve worked of having done it but there is that part of me always searching for excuses not to work out.

  9. Avatar


    Although I always laugh my ass off when coming here let me interject a personal note. Being able to walk – as loathsome, unpleasant and sweaty
    as it may be at times – is seen as a gift some might give anything to have or regain. Speaking from personal experience, my MS has robbed me of the gift to run
    – say with my kids. And while the disease has not yet robbed me of the gift of walking, I can see it looming around the corner. So I’m trying to walk a lot – and get as sweaty as I can.

    And Jenn just loves me when I’m all sweaty!

  10. Avatar

    LOL!! does walking from my upstairs to my downstairs and then to my computer chair count as exercise? if so I’m in GREAT shape! of course I get the kids to go upstairs to get me all the little things I forgot…after all their legs are younger than mine! bawahahaha!! oh and YES. big dogs DO have a stream of urine that could flood quite a huge area.. you’d have to come see my b/yard to believe it 😀

  11. Avatar

    Jillian Michaels would be so proud…..;o)

    I’m with ya, Girl, having had a recent renewal of vows with my treadmill–I need some runner’s high but fast….


  12. Avatar

    I have tears streaming down my face!! from laughter!!!! I would be thinking the exCat same things, but with ipod in and trying not to sing out loud- public stonings are not good!.
    It’s been a while since i stopped by ( house reno”s will do that) but ur as funny as ever. Love ya blog

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