Stuff I love: Kick Ass Hair

Remember when I posted this photo? Let’s forget about the part where I called everyone whores and instead, let’s concentrate on the fact that I love hair products. So much so that ULTA has been known to call me up on speed dial at dawn and scream OH MY GOD, THERE’S A BOGO SALE TODAY, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? They obviously know that if someone pays an arm and a leg every five weeks to have her hair colored, because she looks like a pregnant skunk is humping her head otherwise, she is likely more than willing to buy professional salon products to squeeze every bit of mileage out of those arms and legs because hairy, jiggly appendages don’t just grow on trees, you know.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they did? By the way, the ability to regenerate my arms and legs, hopefully with less hair and jiggle, is but one reason why I am such a proponent for stem cell research. Well, that and to cure disease and prevent birth defects, of course.

But mostly just to grow body parts to fund my hair.

I thought I’d share some of my experience with you but before we get started, let’s just get this out of the way, shall we? No one pays or compensates me to say nice things about anything and thusly, I never have cash on me and I rarely say nice things. I whipped out my MasterCard for each and every product posted here, much to Nate’s dismay. However, he knows better than to even think about blinking an eye about it because I will simply staple his eyelid open and march Oliver back and forth in front of him, decked out in his tiny $25 Buffalo Bills jersey and carrying around an $80 Chia Pet in his mouth while dragging a $140 juicer behind him.

Long time readers, you know what I’m talking about. Newbies? Let’s just say that without proper supervision, Nate is prone to hopping online and buying the air we breathe. In bulk. Especially if it comes with expedited shipping.

I bought a small bottle each of Essential Repair Shampoo and Essential Repair Instant Repair from Pureology to see what kind of effect they would have on my hair which tends to be a little dry. Actually, to say my hair is a little dry is like saying Lisa Rinna’s lips are slightly plump. Have you seen Lisa’s Rinna’s lips? She is a gorgeous woman but since her unfortunate dabble with plastic surgery, her lips look like they’ve perpetually just given birth. And just so we’re clear, I am talking about the ones on her face, not the other ones. I know. It’s easy to get confused, isn’t it?

My hair is so dry, kids keep jumping on my head and asking me for rides through pumpkin patches. But I have to say, I’m pretty impressed with the results I’m getting from this Pureology line. These are sulfate free, the shampoo lathers up nicely, both smell the way Halle Berry looks and they leave my hair clean and moisturized instead of begging to drink its own pee for hydration. The only beef I have is that they’re pricey. And I mean pricey with a capital HOLY SHIT, HOW ABOUT I FORK OVER A KIDNEY INSTEAD? These bottles are two ounces each and cost $7 a pop. A ten ounce bottle goes for about $27.00.

Nate could buy Oliver a New Orleans Saints jersey for that price and maybe then, he wouldn’t get beaten up by all the other puppies in our neighborhood.

I’m talking about Oliver’s dignity here, not Nate’s.

Nate proudly wears his Buffalo Bills attire and doesn’t care who beats him up.

I’ve been searching for a lesser expensive shampoo alternative and for the last couple of days, I’ve been using this Colour Care shampoo from AG. I want to say this sells for $20 an eight ounce bottle? But I used a coupon so it was less than that and can I just say, coupons are full of awesome? Why yes, yes I can. This stuff smells good, lathers up a ton and my hair does not claw at its throat and suck on its own tongue for moisture afterward.

Is it weird that I give inanimate objects human characteristics?

Can hair be considered inanimate?

I haven’t used this shampoo long enough to give it a definitive thumbs up but so far, I like it so let’s say my thumb is at half mast at this point. Not a full-fledged thumb erection but a little excited nonetheless.

How many of you are examining your thumbs right now?

Don’t lie.

While I love, adore and want to have illegitimate children with the TIGI line of hair color, I do not like the TIGI line of shampoos or conditioners. I tried their Rockaholic line but after a couple of months of mediocre results, I found myself hopping online at to double check that my hair was not, in fact, a direct descendant of the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz.

As I typed that, it just dawned on me why no one wants to pay me to be their spokesperson.

Aren’t epiphanies fun?

Two more products, Paul Mitchell Super Clean Sculpting Gel and Super Skinny Serum, that I’m not likely to buy again. The sculpting gel was supposed to deliver maximum control for hard-to-hold styles and the serum was supposed to leave my hair smooth and shiny.

Help! We’ve fallen and we can’t get up! <———— these two products falling well short of expectations.

*thud* <———— the same epiphany from before, punching me in the throat.

On the plus side, I’m going to slather the serum all over my body and hope that Super Skinny Serum lives up to its name in that regard.

This is Kenra Clear Paste. I have shorter hair and I’m always on the lookout for products that can make my hair piecey or funky without leaving it feeling tacky. And by tacky, I mean sticky. Or tasteless. Either one. I had been pretty happy with Kenra’s texturizing taffy for awhile but I wanted something with a little more … I don’t know … oomph? This paste is rated a 20 on Kenra’s hold index which ranges from zero to 26 with 26 representing a maximum hold so I figured a 20 would give me plenty of oomph.

I have to say, I wasn’t too impressed with it on my dry hair. I actually think the texturizing taffy, which is rated a 13, holds style better on dry hair. But this paste rocks on wet hair. I apply it on my towel-dried hair and then blow dry and it gives me great control over my 1,001 cowlicks. Anything that allows me to herd those stupid cows with a hair dryer instead of a cattle prod is a big huge plus in my book. That would be the same book that instructs me to STOP ELECTROCUTING YOURSELF WITH CATTLE PRODS, YOU BIG MORON on page 63.

I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to use this paste this way. The directions say simply “work through damp or dry hair and style” but I think they might mean style with fingers and not a hair dryer set on high.

But who cares?

Out of all the hair products I own, this one is, by far, my absolute favorite. It’s Paul Mitchell Elastic Shaping Paste and it’s the closest thing I can find to an orgasm in a jar because to my knowledge, (1) Anderson Cooper doesn’t come in a jar; and (2) Nutella has no styling properties of which I’m aware although I wouldn’t completely rule out smearing it all over my head for a few hours, in case anyone wants to conduct a scientific experiment. Actually, I’m willing to do this with Anderson Cooper as well. Anything in the name of science, I always say.

This paste is simply phenomenal. After I finish blow drying my hair, I take about a dime’s worth of this stuff, rub it between my hands and then … well? The best way I can describe it is “mush it around” all over my hair. And when I say mush, I mean smoosh and mash as well. I firmly massage it all over my head, rubbing it in and kneading it throughout my hair for a good thirty seconds. Technically, you could liken it to giving your head a quickie hand job but as luck would have it, I’m not a very technical person.

You’re welcome.

After I mush it all over my head, I simply piece my hair wherever I want it and it stays where I put it. It’s like it’s flipping all those wretched cowlicks the bird and telling them to go screw themselves. And best of all? This stuff is cheap. With an ULTA coupon, I think I paid under $11 for the jar and it lasts me a good five or six months. Even at full price, which I think is around $13, this stuff is a total bargain. Especially when you consider that when my hair is short enough, this paste has enough holding power to eliminate the need for hairspray.

Sometimes, however, the hair atop my head grows as fast as that on my legs which is pretty damn fast considering I can sprout a five o’clock shadow on my calves by noon. Under these circumstances, I always turn to two of my favorite hairsprays: TIGI’s Bed Head Masterpiece Massive Shine Hairspray and Kenra Platinum Finishing Spray. Not really much I can say about these two products other than they offer mega hold and shine. Emphasis on the mega. The phrase “helmet head” comes to mind. They’re definitely not for those of you who want maximum hold *and* the option to let your significant others effortlessly run their hands through your hair without having to listen to them yelling OUCH, getting splinters and ultimately pulling out chunks of your hair while trying to extricate themselves.

Nothing says romance like playing cowboys and Indians on date night and having your spouse scalp you in the heat of the moment, right?

On a side note, I think the defense department ought to seriously consider issuing every soldier a few cans of this stuff. A few spritzes on their helmets for extra protection and you can kiss those traumatic brain injuries goodbye.


Redken Vinyl Glam. For those occasions when I want to give my hair a little extra boost of shimmer and shine in the middle of the day and really, who can’t use that every once in a while? Unless you’re a brooding, smoldering vampire standing in direct sunlight in the middle of a crappy movie in which case, you automatically come all sparkly. For the rest of us mortals who can actually act, this stuff is cheap and it delivers.

Just like me!

Except for the delivery part. I’ve only delivered two things in my life and they’re both at risk of being sold to gypsies if they don’t stop yelling each other to death.

Your turn! What products do you use in your hair?

Or am I the only hair product whore among us?



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28 thoughts on “Stuff I love: Kick Ass Hair”

  1. Avatar

    My goodness that is a lot of hair product! I buy some stuff from the salon. It’s in a blue green bottle but that have other colors depending on it’s specialty. Wait. I’ll go look ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
    Ah it’s Redkin, their Fresh Curls line, because my curls need help with that Not So Fresh Feeling they get after a day or so.

    I’m still get mileage 8 years later out of DH’s purchase of a $10,000 KUBOTA TRACTOR that he HAD to have to MOW THE LAWN. Then there is the $500 chainsaw. That’s always good for a few pricy hair products

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    I just get that purple australian stuff with the kangaroo, one bottle of conditioner and one bottle of mousse. Because my husband never buys sports outfits for the pets. My brother lives in Buffalo though, the actual city, not the suburbs. Does that count? If not, sometimes my 15 year old gives me some hair product that she hates. I think I need to try that hair kind for dyed hair though, even though I’ve never dyed my hair. Because my hair is all kinds of thirsty.

    (and very funny post as always!)

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    That is a lot of products!! For hair .. wow! I just have hair spray by suave and some gel to increase the curls (rather keep my curls from frizzing) by tres eme or something .. LOL can’t spell it right now!

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    Take a deep breath and brace yourself ….. I use shampoo and conditioner – usually just whatever is BOGOF (buy one get one free)…..and that’s it……no styling products of Amy kind ….. I am a hair product advertisers nightmare!

    Dp you hate me already? I hope not!

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    Um, my thumb is tingling. But I still haven’t looked at it.

    I use Prell, or the generic version thereof. Shampoo & conditioner in one. Lather, rinse, you’re done… I do give it a quick brush after I towel dry, but that’s all the lovin’ my hair gets for the next couple of days!

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    You do.not. want to look under my sink, or my husband’s sink, or my daughter’s sink, because I don’t stash any hair products in any of those locations.

    My current obsession is with göt2b products. Especially their Smooth Operator Smoothing Lustre Lotion

  7. Avatar

    While my hair might actually appreciate it if I paid it more attention, I do not. I buy whatever shampoo is on sale and smells good in the beauty products aisle of wherever I happen to be shopping when I’m in need of new shampoo (Target, Wegmans, Walmart…) and then I’m good to go. I buy the Aussie hair spray and I have a little jar of styling wax or putty or some such – it is bright green so I’m thinking it is Garnier. This also was a purchase made by smell, price and then promises made by the marketing/advertising folks at Garnier.

    When my hair was (27 inches) longer and being colored regularly, I used to be much more invested in hair products. Back then I was a fan of the Nexxus and Biolage lines in particular. It’s been almost 8 years since I chopped off all my locks though, so I’m back to cheapo products and minimal fuss.

    I do buy more expensive stuff for the kid’s hair, but now that *she* has gone to a shorter style, I’m less inclined to spend the big bucks for her either. Though I do cough up a pretty penny or thousand for tea tree oil containing hair products for her each fall when the dreaded Lice Has Been Identified In Your Child’s Class letters start coming home from the nurse. *shudder*

    So……….. in conclusion, I’m so NOT a whore! Woot! I mean, I’m cheap and easy, but not a whore. 😉

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    I am a devotee of the Garnier Fructis line. My hair is what some wistfully refer to as naturally curly and what I have to explain to them, in Florida’s humidity, means natrually frizzy.

    The Sleek & Shine shampoo and conditioners help and I never go near a blow-dryer if I can avoid it. So every other day I use their gel or mousse to smooth my hair back, twisted into a clip and the rest of the time it gets sprayed with their major hairspray after the front gets teased to offset the roundness of my face. Sometimes I use their curl spray gel and it’s awesome for making me look like I have somewhat of a hairstyle on the just-washed days.

    Have to agree with you on the Redken shine spray–that stuff really does work! I also have their smoothing milk which has a 50/50 chance of actually doing what it’s supposed to, but it’s more chance that I used to have. Both those products were about the only good thing to come out of the 4-hour cut and color session that washed out after the second wash and had to be redone and then only managed to hold on for 2 weeks.

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    I stopped washing my hair weeks ago and it has never looked better. There’s no need to buy expensive hair care crap, when baking soda and vinegar will do the trick and cost just pennies. Liberate yourself from being a slave to the hair care industry. See here:

    Your dry hair will look MUCH better after a couple of weeks of natural hair care and the money you save will let you go on a vacation to Paris in a year or so!

  10. Avatar

    I pretty much just use whatever is on sale at Costco…is that bad? No wonder my hair looks like crap all the time…I pretty much say, “screw it” and put it in a ponytail.

  11. Avatar

    Oh my. you do use a lot of products.
    I just wash, condition and straighten mine. Fast and easy thats me….well thats what hubby says anyway 😉

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    Like you, I have a closet full of product to guarantee beautiful, shiny, free-free, model hair in 2.3 seconds. How much of it works? Um, not much. I have long, crazy thick, half curly/half wavy, and all frizzy hair.

    I do love the Pureology line though. Just can’t stand the price.

    What did I do? I got a Brazilian Blowout last week. O.M.G. My hair is fantastic! Shiny, straight, and the best part?? NO PRODUCT! I literally wash my hair, towel dry, if I am being good use the serum that you get w/it, comb it, and out the door 🙂 I am in love.

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    WOW! What an amazing collection of products! I’m going to write down some of these products – I’m always looking for new products to make my hair look great!

  14. Avatar

    Where do you put all of that? My husband would have stroke. Seriously!
    I have hairspray. That is all.

    Pre-kids I had more and would fuss with my hair. Then my morning hair-do time became nursing time. I finally not nursing. Maybe I should try something you posted here!

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    I’ve never put anything like that in my hair. And I’m afraid to. It falls out enough as it is, I think stuff like that would help it fall out more 🙁

  16. Avatar

    Um holy shitballs that’s a lot of hair products! I just stick to shampoo and conditioner and maybe (big maybe) every few years I’ll get a wild hair and dye mine, but for the most part I just lather,rinse, repeat!

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    We all have our weaknesses. Yours obviously is hair products. My stylist would love you. She would. What do I use on my hair – aside from shampoos which vary I’m a fan of K-PaK. I also like that silk stuff.

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    Online shopping, huh? My hubby is addicted to infomercials . . . which is why we have the magic bullet (*I* use it all the time), the Beach Body system (*he* used it a week), and the Fishing Pole in a Pen . . . which no one uses.

    He also, prior to our marriage, invested in a 60+ CASSETTE tape system to help him “Learn to Read FASTER.”

    Um, yeah. I understand your pain.

    Oh . . .and I’m totally jealous of your hair product collection.

  19. Avatar

    I’m a total product whore, but right now, mine if face products. I hit 30, and my skin said “Screw it. I gave you a few good years in your 20’s. I give up.” I”m still trying to find something that gets rid of the adult acne, minimizes the lovely blackheads, but doesn’t dry my combination skin, make my nose flake, or make my face all red after I use it.

    On the subject of hair products, I had to laugh when I bought some John Freida spray to put on my hair before I straighten it, and then when I actually read the back, the bottle says “Caution: highly flammable.” Nice. Just what I want to put on my head before applying a heat styling tool.

    1. Avatar

      Here’s something you should try, for your face. Buy some homey and some cinnamon. Make a paste of 1 tablespoon honey mixed with 1 teaspoon cinnamon, and smear it all over your face thinly. Leave it on for several hours, preferably at night, maybe when you’re in for the evening. Wash off gently with warm water. It truly helps. I told my pharmacist about it and he said yep, if that works [on my daughter’s really problem skin] then no need to buy the $300/month worth of prescriptions the dermatologist recommended. I simply couldn’t afford that. The honey & cinnamon mask every night for two weeks did the trick.

  20. Avatar

    I LOVE the whole AG line – so many great products and the prices aren’t bad for salon quality. For dry hair, one of my fav products is ahem…a drugstore brand. The 3 min miracle from Aussie. It’s good. Like, good good. Check it out.

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