Sunday regurgitation: Snack Mom is summer’s Santa Claus

Helena had her first softball game last Monday and Nate was meeting us there from work. I was in charge of snacks for the game which meant that in addition to dragging my ass to the field in the bitter cold, I also had to lug Helena, all of her equipment, folding chairs, winter coats, blankets, my camera and a cooler full of lemonade juice boxes and Brownie Bites with me. I think my arms had grown three inches longer by the time I finished the trek across the parking lot and three softball fields.

But it’s worth it because nothing and no one is as revered as Snack Mom at these games. Snack Mom can do no wrong, even if she happens to become overly excited when her daughter hits a single her first time up at bat and yells: OH MY GOD! SHE HIT IT! GO, HELENA! RUN, HELENA, RUN! GO, BABY! STOP! STOP! STOP! WAY TO GO, PUMPKIN! NICE HIT! PULL YOUR PANTS UP A LITTLE, SWEETIE! A LITTLE MORE! IS THAT YOUR HELMET? YOU’RE NOT WEARING SOMEBODY ELSE’S HELMET, RIGHT? REMEMBER, LICE ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS! SMILE, PEANUT! WAIT, I NEED TO ADJUST THE FOCUS. SMILE! OH! OH! RUN SWEETIE! RUN!

I leave you with a post I wrote last June about being snack mom and I just now realized that I tend to bring the same snack every year. Just like my exuberant cheering!

Happy Sunday, everyone!



Make room at the trough – it’s feeding time


Last night was my turn to bring the snack to my daughter’s softball game.

Bringing snack requires nothing more than placing a bag of munchies on the ground and then getting the hell out of the way lest your middle finger is mistaken for a Twinkie by fifteen sweaty and hungry eight year olds and you are left without the means necessary to flip the bird to all the raving lunatics in Wegmans’ parking lots, thereby sucking all the fun out of grocery shopping forever.

Did you know snack moms come in several varieties?

There’s Mom #1 who bakes soft, chewy chocolate chip cookies and wraps them in colored cellophane tied with curling ribbon and pairs them up with a color coordinated Vitamin Water for each child.

And to her, I say “Stepford called, they want Model #A12-742 back. But before you go, please sign here, here, and here and adopt me.”

Then there’s Mom #2 who brings granola lollipops rolled in wheat germ and cans of carrot juice.

And to her, I say “I shall not judge you until I have walked a day in your earth shoes,” followed immediately by retching into my daughter’s helmet.

There’s the Mom #3 who pays someone else to do it.

And to her, I say “I am not worthy” and bow ten times.

There’s the Mom #4 whose husband does it.

And to her, I say “What the heck did you use to remove the TV remote from your husband’s hands? I scrub and scrub and can never get mine clean.”

And finally, there’s Mom #5 who watched her kid’s softball game in 110% humidity for two hours one year, knowing that the only thing that stood between her and her central air was the almighty snack time and she was secretly hoping that the snack mom brought Ho-Hos and that no one would spot a prematurely grey, myopic, slightly roundish third grader with fuzzy legs wolfing one down, but then she noticed that the kids and parents were staring at her accusingly, so she checked to see if her sweaty bra cannibalized her shirt and ricocheted off her body to dangle from her ear but no, it didn’t and yet, there still appeared to be an angry, hostile mob surrounding her so she did a quick mental check to reassure herself that she hadn’t pole danced in public or slept with anyone’s spouse in recent memory and then she looked behind her since maybe they were pissed off at her husband for some reason in which case she could then holler I KNOW! TELL ME ABOUT IT and rack up sympathy points but he was back at the car so she fumbled around in her pocket for her cell phone so that she could dial 911 and inform the operator that people were totally being mean to her for no reason and just then, she found the note that she wrote to herself that morning which said PICK UP NATE’S DINNER & BRING SNACK TO GAME! DON’T FORGET, YOU BIG LOSER.

I’d say something to her if I could but I have no idea who she is or why she cries a lot for no reason.

I’d have said something to her husband as well but he was too busy starving to death.

So I was on snack duty last night and before the game, I dragged Helena out to our vacation home at Wegmans where oddly enough I did not have the occasion to flip anyone the bird.

Helena picked out the following:



Fifteen sweaty, hungry little eight year olds left satisfied and I’m off the snack hook for one more year, which gives me about 365 days to coerce Model #A12-742 into signing those damn papers already.



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9 thoughts on “Sunday regurgitation: Snack Mom is summer’s Santa Claus”

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Snack Mom - she's like Santa Claus in the summer | --

  2. Avatar

    OMG, I can so relate! 15 years of baseball momming has sucked the snack right out of my soul! And, I’m not sure, but I think I have fulfilled each of the rolls you posted. My favorite Stepford Snackmom moment? The year that I made rice crispy treats with M&M’s that were their uniform colors. I lovingly piped each of their numbers on the top of their treat and cut them out as circles.

    The parents admired.

    The kids didn’t realize that their number was on there. But, they thought they tasted good. Never a stepford again! I did just what you do after that…2 boxes of snacks, 2 boxes of juice. And the same smiles from the kids! 🙂

  3. Avatar

    OK, see it’s like this…

    I wanted to name my daughter Halena (with an “a” to compensate for the nickname Hallie) but I refrained b/c Helena is my g’ma’s name, and because of that one movie…I’ll stop there, but I LOVE the name (Halena Elizabeth, doesn’t that rock??) but went with Audrey instead, not because of that other movie, which has a weird nickname (Audge) if it has one at all…but anyway…

    So your quote up there, if it were Audrey, and soccer, and me, that would SO be EXACTLY what I would say!

    And I have this image of your bra hanging from your ear.

    I need to make sure I don’t disappear so much anymore.
    .-= Insanitykim’s last blog post is here ..Mother and Daughter Moments Last a Lifetime =-.

  4. Avatar

    That is some great stuff right thar.

    Unfortunately, I have never had the displeasure of being snack mom. Oh wait. There was that one time in T-Ball. But we don’t talk about it.
    .-= BlissfulBabe’s last blog post is here ..My Review =-.

  5. Avatar

    I got all fancy last time and put the snack and the drink in a paper lunch snack. It was actually a lot easier that way since I could just hand each kid a bag!

    My favorite was when my girls played rec ball and their snack bar let you buy tickets for each kid. It was kind of expensive but the kids just thought it was SO cool to go to the snack bar for their snack.
    .-= Mom Taxi Julie’s last blog post is here ..I’m a little confused right now… =-.

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