For those of you wondering why Sunday is throwing up, fear not. Sunday Regurgitation occurs every Sunday, when I link to a prior post of mine, because I am trapped under something heavy and am unable to write anything original or riveting. Hopefully someone will notice I’m missing, remove whatever is suffocating me and I’ll be back to normal by tomorrow. But just in case you never hear from me again … think of me fondly.
Nate went to the doctor to talk about his sleep habit and by habit, I mean the fact that he doesn’t so much fall asleep as lapse into a six hour succession of little micro-comas that are just filled to the brim with snoring, snoring, snoring and … wait for it … more snoring. And it’s not the kind of snoring that stops with a light tap on the stomach and a quiet plea to roll over. I could use a bull horn to scream ATTENTION NATHAN: I WILL RIP OUT YOUR TONSILS WITH MY THUMBS IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP ALREADY directly into his ear and it wouldn’t change a blessed thing. It’s like trying to sleep next to a freight train that’s busy giving birth to a baby space shuttle on the pillow next to you. Breech. With no epidural.
Nate does not wake up from these dead zones, no matter how hard I pummel his body. I’d say that in an average night, he experiences approximately 652 of these episodes. Oddly enough, he wakes up every morning, refreshed.
Know how I wake up?
Me neither. Because if you never actually fall asleep, you never actually wake up, right?
Know what the doctor told Nate?
Go to bed earlier.
Why not just tell Nate to duct tape his nose, mouth, tongue, tonsils and soft palette directly to my face the second he comes home from work and be done with it already?
I’m going to leave you with my post I did last year about this very topic: Sleep deprived.
Not much has changed since then.
Now excuse me while I go start the lawn mower, jump on its engine and try to fall asleep in relative peace and quiet. And with any luck, I’ll dream of Anderson Cooper and donuts and giving Nate’s doctor a high colonic with a rabid gerbil.