With twelve days left of summer break …

There are only twelve days left of summer break and then comes one of the holiest of all days in our house. We call it THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. This is the day when rainbows appear over our roof and angels fly and sing all over our house and my kids wake up earlier than they have in the last 2½ months and trudge around the house all bleary eyed and half asleep and moaning and complaining while I jump and dance excitedly all around them, telling them to hurry up! Here’s your breakfast! Get dressed! Don’t want to be late! Let’s go, let’s go! Isn’t this wonderful?! The bus will be here any minute! Let’s go! C’mon! Out the door! LET’S GO ALREADY.

I love my kids. I adore them. I would kill for them. I could not breathe without them.


And yes, I know perfectly well there should never be a “but” in this context but seeing as how I have been experiencing some sort of freakish premenopausal thing where my hormones wig out every so often, there is most definitely a “but.” If it makes you feel better, I’ll substitute the word “however.” Is that better?

And see? That snarky attitude right there is a classic example of my hormones getting their panties in a twist and wigging out. That reminds me … could someone call around for Nate? I haven’t seen him in awhile. Tell him it’s safe to come home.

Anyway … However, I have two girls, one’s a highly emotional teenager and the other is a highly emotional budding tween and they either love each other or hate each other, depending on the exact shade of blue in the sky that day. They have been with each other and me almost 24/7 for 2½ months with no camps, no vacations, no break. Get the picture? All but one of my nerves are frazzled. Shot. Destroyed. Decimated. And the one nerve left is scared shitless but can’t escape because they’re standing on it.

I will miss them after they go back to school. I always do. The house becomes too quiet. Too still. And I will berate myself for having had these thoughts of celebration to see them go, I will wallow in guilt by thinking that if I had been a better mother, I would have handled the summer better and I would have appreciated all the time we spent together, even if a good portion of it was spent breaking up fights and yelling. I’m all too aware that these days are going to be gone soon enough and like Trace Adkins says in his totally sexy deep voice, I’m going to miss this. When they get on that bus, I will wish that I was a different kind of mother, the kind with unending patience, the kind that can calm down a hysterical child with a kiss, the kind that doesn’t fly off the handle when being disrespected or when finding clothes dumped on the bathroom floor for the umpteenth time or when tripping over a heaping pile of soggy, smelly pool towels that have been clumped together for two days. I will wish that I wasn’t me. I will wish that I was someone better.

But this won’t happen until after they go back, when I’m sitting here alone and in silence, wishing that my kids would just stop growing up so damn fast and, since I’m at it, wishing that I would stop growing old so damn fast as well.

Until then … my windows are rattling as they are literally screaming at each other because one called the other a bratty snot and the other called the one a freaky loser so here I sit, counting down the days until THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. This is the countdown to an event rivaled only by Christmas in this house so in honor of this occasion, I present the following tune, based very very loosely … so loosely, in fact, that half of the lyrics are missing and the rhythm is all screwed up but it’s the end of summer and I’m lucky I can tie my shoes at this point so bear with me and close your eyes and just pretend … on The Twelve Days of Christmas.




With twelve days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

A dozen smelly, mildewy pool towels

and a one way ticket up a pear tree

With eleven days left of summer, my two kids gave to me


and a one way ticket up a big ass pear tree

With ten days days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Ten hours of crazy stupid

and a one way ticket up a really, really, really big ass pear tree

With nine days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Nine possibles for the stench emanating from the kitchen

and a one way ticket up a big ass. Oops, sorry. I mean, a big ass pear tree.

With eight days left of summer, my two kids gave to me


and a one way ticket up a big ass pear tree. With thorns.

With seven days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Seven reasons to run away

and a one way ticket up a big ass pear tree. With thorns. Surrounded by poison ivy.

With six days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Six hours of driving and driving and driving and then some more driving

and a one way ticket up the stupid pear tree that I swear to GOD is mocking me

With five days left of summer, my two kids gave to me


and a one way ticket up … you guessed it … the big ass pear tree

With four days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Four hours of peace and quiet interrupted by five hours of yelling

and a one way ticket up that goddamn pear tree that won’t die already

With three days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Three more summer reading assignments. Surprise! *Thud*

and a one way ticket up the &%$#@ pear tree

With two days left of summer, my two kids gave to me

Two tons of dirty clothes

and a one way ticket up … ugh, I can’t even say it anymore

On the last day of summer, my two kids gave to me

An apology and I love you’s

and a brand new, gift-wrapped with a bow and sealed with a kiss … ladder.

~ The End ~

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21 thoughts on “With twelve days left of summer break …”

  1. Avatar

    Oh! And I thought it was only MY kids who called each other “brat” and “loser”. Your blog is so cathartic!

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    Standing ovation! Love it, and I’m in that same Can’t Wait for the First Day of school club, too, so color me a bad mom.
    AND, our school started Monday, and has been closed for the past 2 days due to Tropical Storm Fay.

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    LMAO I love it! Should I even dare mention there’s only 3 days until school starts here? And the sad part is we’re moving and I’ve done nothing in that month since we found out because my son can’t constructively occupy his time. His almost 2yo brother can however. I have to say the Five Golden Migraines had me rolling.

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    Wow, my kids went back to school on the 13th so I’ve had a WHOLE week already without kiddos at home *snickers* ah but in the same breath, I miss the lil turds too…LOL

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    Brilliant! Wanting them back at school doesn’t make you a bad mum, it makes you human. Reading your blog for the whole of my summer (thank you!!) and I know for sure that you are truly and completely and wholly human 😉 Mine go back on the 2nd and the 8th. Hanging on ’til then … barely!

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    Oh! I love your posts; they crack me up big time! The part about Trace Adkins? That was my wedding dance with my dad *sniffles* I don’t have kids so I don’t know how this is, but that Trish up there ^ is my BFF, so I always feel her anticipation 😉

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    *giggles* I’m a homeschooling mom, so school has already started for us, and I’ve never known what it is to have peace and quiet in the house, but let me tell you: I sure wish I had some!!! So pen me in as a bad mom too, I guess… =)

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    I’m eagerly/anxiously awaiting the first day of kindergarten for my oldest, so we are still at the preschool of sibling insults.
    poop butt, big stinky pig, little head (I still haven’t figured that one out)
    Although they are old enough to generously provide me with 5 Gooooolden migraines, lol!

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    I have to give you a standing ovation!! I am so glad to hear that I am not the only Mom that can’t wait to get them out the door then stands alone wishing she was a better Mom. We have 5 more days here until school starts. I don’t think I can take one more fight around here!

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    Note to self – no drinks allowed at computer when reading Andy’s blog, and make sure to use the restroom FIRST.

    Dang, you made me laugh so hard! I only have ONE who is old enough to go to school – the others will be home with my, crying that big brother got to go and they didn’t. I’m a little jealous! 🙂

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    Our first day was this past Wednesday. Sing it with me, Andy…..

    “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeeeeer!
    There’ll be gossip for telling
    And gym shoes a smelling
    Mom and Dad drinking BEEEEEER
    It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeeer!”

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    How about this…..I’m taking my oldest to college in less than a month. You don’t think I’m doing the Happy Dance???
    He already has strict instructions……….”No Laundry is to be ever brought home, your laundry is FREE in your dorm”. I’m trying to convince him to take my laundry with him and mail it back, sort of a little side job. Not sure he’s going for that.

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    LOL!@@@@@@@ hrumpt…and here i was supposed to let you know how our 1st day went!! i swear i’ve been busier than ever before…man those 3 1/2hrs. of kindergarten ZOOM by!!!!:)

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    ah yes with an emotional 5 yr old and an impatient almost 7 year old I am making many many plans for the holidays, we have ours in Dec/jan, daddy has been instructed to take his holidays then too! I am not doing it alone.. way too scary

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    LOL too cute. We started back to school two weeks ago so I’ve already gotten to the it’s too quiet stage, but I still see glimpses of why I’m glad whenever my younger two start fighting.

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    Just priceless, my friend! And if you are a bad mom for feeling that way, I can find about a million more bad moms who feels the same…myself included!

  17. Avatar

    My boys start school tomorrow and in a few ways I dread it. I am going to miss them, not their fighting and bickering. LOL My oldest starts high school tomorrow and it keeps smacking me in the face.

    Thank you so much for the giggle. I needed it so much.


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    Snort!! You never fail to put a smile on my face Andy!! BTW – you’ve been tagged for your wonderfulness on your blog! Check out my blog for details… 😉

  19. Avatar

    I must be hormonal as well because as absolutley funny your blog is – I got a bit emotional about the better Mum part! – I too wish I was a better Mum – working full time as well I wish I could do the school run, painting, assemblies etc… I wish I were more patient – I wish I was one of those “close the door quietly sweety”kind of people instead of “DONT SLAM THE DOOR !!!”ah well – we can only try! LOL

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