This little piggy went to market, this little piggy freaked its owner out, this little piggy …

pedicure_feet

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The above photo is evidence of which of the following:

  1. Albinos are partial to sparkly flip flops
  2. Tree trunks can sprout feet
  3. Someone has never been introduced to exfoliation, a loofah sponge and/or tan in a can
  4. I’m Not Really A Waitress is the best name for a nail polish EVER
  5. I had absolutely nothing to blog about today

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I recently returned from a short stay in Pedicureland and despite the embarrassing discovery of a thin row of leg hair that was missed during the deforestation of my legs that morning, I had a wonderful visit and it is entirely possible that once I finish writing this post, I will pack everything valuable I own into my purse and move there.

Right about now, my former mother-in-law is staring at her computer monitor in shock and yelling to my former father-in-law something along the lines of OH MY GOD, MIKE. SHE DOES TOO HAVE FEET! I KNEW IT! YOU OWE ME A CAR.

That’s because my former in-laws never once saw my feet during the entire time I dated, married, and subsequently got divorced from their son. That would be the same son who also never once saw my feet in the eight years we were together.

That’s because, with the exception of those that happen to be attached to little babies, I do not like feet.

Babies have feet that are made out of soft, supple, brand new skin with itty bitty toes that look like miniature peas which give me a recommended daily allowance of vegetables every time I gobble them up.

Adult feet look like … feet.

I consider adult feet a necessarily evil. Yes, we need them to walk. But is that any reason to flaunt them? We need our lungs too, but I’m not about to stick them in some flip flops and parade them around town for the whole world to ogle.

And don’t even get me started on hairy man feet. In sandals.

*thud* <——— me, passing out from the utter grossness of it all.

I was raised with a mom who had what could very well be described as the ugliest feet on the face of the planet, as well as the universe and quite possibly several other galaxies that haven’t yet been discovered. And to this day, my dad’s feet give my mom’s some fierce competition.

I just knew that it was only a matter of time before my own feet went all Cinderella on me and turned into pumpkins. Big, decaying, blackened, twisted, gnarled gourdes that I’d have to drag around with me. Until I died.

Thus was born my self-induced paranoia of my own feet and the assumption that, as far as my first husband, former in-laws and the world in general were concerned, my legs just ended in bloody stumps that I shoved into sneakers.

But then two things happened.

Number one:

I got divorced and met Nate. And he insisted on seeing my feet and I insisted that he rip off both my legs and bash me about the skull with them as it would be far less excruciating. And then we wrestled and he pinned me down and yanked off my socks and stared at my toes. I tried to gouge his eyes out with my thumbs but he sat on my forearms so I simply laid there and shrieked at the top of my lungs, willing the earth to just open up and swallow me whole, hideously repulsive feet and all.

Could our courtship have been any hotter?

But as it turned out, he did not vomit while scrutinizing my feet. Even my pinky toes didn’t freak him out, the same type of pinky toes that my twin brother tried in vain to have surgically straightened but which stubbornly reverted right back to piggy tail-ness when no one was looking.

And then Nate did something that I had only encountered in nightmares involving my death, embalming and a horny, necrophiliac mortician.

He rubbed my feet.

Have I mentioned that Nate has opposable thumbs like you would not believe? To this day, it is not uncommon to see me chasing Nate around the house, tackling him and sticking my feet in his face, begging for a foot rub.

Could our marriage be any hotter?

Number two:

I had my first pedicure, otherwise known as DON’T BOTHER ME, I’M BUSY HAVING AN ORGASM.

It was meant to be a challenge to myself, to see how long I could last while some stranger examined, touched and manipulated my feet. I thought I could manage maybe 45 seconds tops, before I rammed the technician’s nose into her brain and ran screaming out the front door.

Ninety minutes later, I was on the phone with my bank, determining the equity in our house and calculating the approximate number of pedicures it would buy me.

In Pedicureland, I can sit back in a chair and have it give me a shiatsu massage and relax in the knowledge that the chair won’t expect to have anything of its own massaged after David Letterman is done with his Top Ten.

In Pedicureland, someone rubs and kneads my feet for fifteen minutes without hoping or expecting to get anything of their own rubbed or kneaded, let alone for fifteen minutes.

In Pedicureland, I can have an actual conversation, with words and everything, without ever once having to utter the phrases (1) Smell it yourself; (2) Why are you interrupting me if you are not throwing up or hemorrhaging?; or (3) BECAUSE I SAID SO.

I leave Pedicureland a brand new person. Reborn with pretty feet.

pedicure_feet2

I think pedicures could cure cancer.

At the very least, it cured my foot phobia. If I have a pedicure, I can actually stand to look down at my own feet, provided I can get past the double d’s blocking my view. I can even glance at other people’s feet and not have to fight the urge to peel the corneas off my eyes.

This is progress for me. Slow but sure. Baby steps. Taken with pretty toes dipped in I’m Not Really A Waitress.

Now if they could just outlaw hairy man feet in sandals. Because as far as I know, there is no cure for that anomaly yet.

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38 thoughts on “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy freaked its owner out, this little piggy …”

  1. I don’t think your feet are hideous at all! And that polish color is lovely!

    I have only had 3 pedicures in my life and I can’t say that I really enjoyed any of them. My feet are SO ticklish and having anyone touch them makes me squeal. (not the good kind of squeal)

    And since you are still basking in the glow of your recent pedicure, I will spare you from my pedicure horror story which resulted in my big toenail on my left foot ceasing to grow for over a year before it turned yellow and fell off.

  2. *grins* You sure do have some weird hang-ups! (I’m now ewwwww-ing at Allison’s comment)

    I had a pedicure once, and never having done this before, didn’t realize that stuffing my feet right back into my gym socks and sneakers probably wasn’t going to produce the best shine ever. I’m such a tomboy. =)

  3. Look, this is my FIRST BLOG COMMENT from the new house! Don’t you feel honored? You totally should! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Here’s the thing: I totally get your thing about feet, because I’m right there with you screaming EW OH DEAR GOD CAN’T WE JUST PRETEND WE ALL LEVITATE A COUPLA INCHES OFF THE GROUND instead of acknowledging the ickiness on all feet other than babies (I’m a total Baby Toe Niblet consumer myself).

    I have never had, and WILL never have, a pedicure. Just the thought is making me a little faint. Wait, maybe that’s the lingering scent of Eau d’ Oldster. Nope, it definitely is the thought of a pedicure. Gag.

    But, your feet are really normal and cute looking, my dear. It doesn’t look like YOU need to shave your big toes, for example…….

  4. Too funny! I’m not a big fan of feet myself and have never even considered a pedicure but your look lovely. Love the flip flops too! Happy Friday!

  5. I have spent a RIDICULOUS amount of money getting pedicures this past year. It’s my new obsession and it’s the one time in my week that’s all about ME. ME. ME!.

    I don’t care if I go broke.

    Where do you go?

    I go to a great place in Perinton Square Mall that I love, love LOVE! They are soooo nice and in addition to massages and comfy chairs they always offer me water or soda and tell me how pretty I look. Win-win, right? ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. I love pedicures. yes, I am with you honey. My feet are ugly too! Of course I have only had about two-four of toes broken or sprained so they are either a funky color or twisted and mangled myself.

    As for pedicureland, I have to agree with you its like having an orgasm without have sex. Yes, I love my toes they way they look after a pedicure. I also feel very hot and aroused for my husband. Now, if he would ever learn how to rub the way the pedicureland does, he might be more luckier than ever.

    You might want to check out my gallery. I have a layout this subject matter. Really I do, no joke girl.

  7. Andy! As usual, what an incredibly well-written and hilarious post! I’m with you about pedicures. I hated my big ugly feet, but when I finally got the nerve to get a pedicure I was hooked. It’s like taking care of your feet is taking care of the little girl in you or something like that.

    Your feet look fabulous! Love your thongs!

  8. I am not too fond of mine either – they are a bit like the rest of me – short and chunky!

    Can you tolerate flip-flops – the piercing pain between my toes is just not worth it.

    Talking of toes, and men’s toes – did you know my dh has webbed toes? – a pair of toes attached on each foot – eeeuuughhghhh! Fortunately my kids did not inherit this genetic defect. And I still love my dh, despite his man-from-Atlantis look.

    He assures me it is quite common…..really? His mother asked her doctor if they would be corrected with surgery…..the doctor replied ..”Don’t be so ****** stupid!”

  9. I guess I’m the oddball here – I love my feet! I have been told numerous times I have the cutest feet and not just from family members LOL I have only been for a pedicure once and it was awful! not because I don’t like my feet being touched, or because I’m ticklish or I got a weird toe infection but the technician wreaked like cigarette smoke….yack it was disgusting!

    I think your toes are delicious! and what a wicked awesome name for a nail polish!

  10. >>I was raised with a mom who had what could very well be described as the ugliest feet on the face of the planet, as well as the universe and quite possibly several other galaxies that havenโ€™t yet been discovered. And to this day, my dadโ€™s feet give my momโ€™s some fierce competition.<<

    The utter perfection of this paragraph just makes my day! I just had a really rotten meeting with my supervisor and I needed some cheering up. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with foot insecurities – my first 3 toes are all exactly the same length and my piggy toes go curly too.

    Apparently I’ve been put in charge of a team who is supposed to create some reports. Oh good, what kind of reports? Oh, I don’t know, just go out there and make some reports. Well, the last time I made reports it turned out that they were duplicates of someone else’s reports and apparently were vastly inferior to said person’s reports. Well, just set up a meeting so you can waste the time of three other people, who also don’t have a clue of what reports we need or how to make them. Then you’ll have to go and figure it out anyway. Use some of that spare time that you just told me you don’t have. Oh and all this needs to be done by the end of the month!

    Oh man, I really get the bleeding through the eyes from the aneurism part. I think it’s time to bring back that mythical three martini lunch!

  11. OMG!! FEET?? lol! I have a luv/hate relationship with my feet. I have very, very short feet but they are WIDE, guess that’s the only reason I can walk with them ๐Ÿ˜‰ My dh calls them “babydoll” feet~I fit perfectly in my 11 year old’s shoes…sigh. BUT all that said I have never and will never get a pedicure. See I don’t like shoes much OR socks and go barefoot as much as possible so I’m in desperate need of the “ped-egg”! LOL!! Or a good, really strong loofa! LOL :p

  12. I love so many of your remarks in this post that I’m having hard time figuring out which one to address first!
    First off, your feet look gorgeous..wish my feet were whiter (just the feet) so I could wear that bright red polish..oh well!
    Babies toes so do resemble peas and small cocktail sausages…I am so getting my fill of those these days! Maybe I’ll have another baby and another just so my nutrition is as per FDA requirements!!
    So, is Nate off the hook now you have a professional rubbing your feet?!!

  13. Andy If we send Pedicureland a “before” picture of my feet and an “after” picture of your s THEY would make a fortune! Physiologists may be interested in the “before”picture also. ( the missing link and all that stuff).

  14. Stopping by from SITS! LOVE the pedi!
    I too have my mother’s feet. ๐Ÿ™‚ She wasn’t using them anyway.

    Have a great weekend!
    Love the fun read!
    Tracy

  15. omg!! i’m laughing hysterically and spewing coffee everywhere. gorgeous pedi btw!!!! and gotta love a man w/a foot fetish. yes you do!

  16. hehehehe reading this really made my evening. You are so funny but I too have feet woos. I big bro use to chase me around the house with his when we were younger. Thanks for putting a smile on my face and your pedicure looks GREAT !
    Norma

  17. You do have lovely feet, but no … I’m not a compulsive toe sucker, so don’t ask. I’ve always been told I have my gramma’s feet. Apparently after I was born, she didn’t need hers anymore.

    Actually … my feet are very cute. I would love an actual pedi though!

  18. Nice feet.

    I’ve never had a pedicure before. I’m worried I’ll giggle when someone else touches my feet. I’m really ticklish.

  19. Wow, you’re parents must have some damn ugly feet after that description! I can understand why you would be paranoid. However, you should not be, you have great feet. I mean even your second toe isn’t longer than your big toe! Awesome. And yes, pedis are from heaven!!

  20. You have adorable, pretty feet. Believe me. My feet are a horror story. And my husband’s….let’s not even go there.

    I have always been embarrassed by my feet. I have no idea why. I remember when I was little, I had hurt my foot, but I couldn’t tell the teacher. Instead, I just said I had hurt my leg, but I pointed to my foot, hoping she’d understand. She did. Now, that’s psycho!

  21. You’re so funny! I love having my feet rubbed, but can’t afford pedicures, so I’m resigned to having my husband rub my feet, and yes, he usually expects having something of his rubbed afterward, too. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I think your feet look fine, and I love that color. Oh yes, I do have the aforementioned longer secondary toe. I think DH has the funny looking toes, though. He has his one big toe, and then all the other ones are the same height.

    I’m also a baby toes lover. I think baby feet are perfect. Why do they have to get big and ugly? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  22. I’m hysterical laughing over here! The ironic thing is my feet are one of the few things that I like about my body. Yes, they’re pale (I’m pale), but they’re tiny and may I say, sexy? I just did, so there. You better keep Nate away from me.

  23. oh I am so going to book myself in for one of those, my feet are neglected and a bit nasty dry and flaky.. I deserve a pedicure!!!

  24. Yeah. You have nice feet. Most ladies all thing they have gross feet. Some women do not. A very few think they aren’t but actually are. Most are qutie tantalizing, especially when the effort is put into getting a pedicure and donning some polish. I will try to remember this thread the next foot massage I get and not ‘expect’ something immediately afterward. I’ve done it that way before, but I’m sure it bleeds through a little that I resent showing that much self-restraint.

    Joe

  25. You have adorable feet. You should splurge on a toe ring or 2 & an anklet. Just to finalise the beauty. And, buying stuff is always fun.

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