Who’s up for a multiple choice question?
I know, I know! You’re all OH MY GOD, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
Remember my 84 year old 85 year old aunt? The one who gets irritated with me because I appear to be physically incapable of mentioning her on this blog without referring to her age? The one who can’t see above sales racks, who drives aimlessly around parking lots while my mother plays enraged air traffic controller?
This one’s in honor of my Aunt VeVe.
The following statements are all true. Which statement is best supported by the above photograph?
- Aunt VeVe loses 1-2 inches of height per year and is now slightly taller than her niece’s dishwasher.
- She is going to turn 86 this year.
- Aunt VeVe, that is. Not her niece. Or the dishwasher.
- Aunt VeVe refused to believe she was going to turn 86 this year because her cardiologist told her she was turning 85, despite the fact that she was born in 1924.
- She admonished her niece to be respectful after her niece voiced suspicions that her aunt’s cardiologist might just be an idiot.
- Her niece took a deep breath and then pencil to paper whereby she performed actual, real live math by subtracting 1924 from 2010, eventually coming up with a difference of 86.
- After declaring “So?” Aunt VeVe then asked her sweaty and mentally exhausted niece if she’d like an aspirin or a paper bag to breath into. Maybe a nap?
- Her niece politely declined, even though she was flushed and slightly light headed from all the exertion.
- Aunt VeVe proceeded to disregard the logic and maintained that she would turn 85 this year simply because her cardiologist said so.
- Her niece’s left eye started to twitch.
- In an attempt to prove her assertion once and for all, Aunt VeVe took the same pencil to new paper and, starting with the year 1924, wrote down every single year up through and including the year 2010 and then wrote down her respective age at each year, beginning with an amniotic fluid covered zero.
- By the time Aunt VeVe got to 1948, both of her niece’s eyes were twitching.
- By the time she got to 1963, her niece developed sudden onset Tourettes and spontaneously shouted out streams of profanity regarding cardiologists and their mothers and the specific places into which they could all jam their stethoscopes.
- By the time she got to 1979, her niece had grabbed her aunt’s yarn basket and crocheted a reasonable facsimile of a cardiologist and then proceeded to stab him multiple times in the heart with shiny blue knitting needles.
- By the time she got to 1999, her niece didn’t care if her aunt was going to turn 86 or 2, she just wanted the blood to stop gushing around her cerebral cortex and the red and purple polka dotted pygmy elephants flying around the room to go away and those goddamn screaming lambs to SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
- By the time she got to 2010, Aunt VeVe discovered that not only was she going to turn 86 this year, but also that her niece had an uncanny ability to spin her head around 360° multiple times while singing I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt and riding backwards on a phantom kangaroo all around the living room.
- Aunt VeVe bowls once a week.