Turns out, I am ignorable for all species, not just humans. I was worried there for a minute.

Hello.

You’re cute.

I love your ears.

You remind me of my youngest.

Not that she has big ears.

But she’s cute, just like you.

And squeezable and huggable, just like you.

And pretends I don’t exist.

Just like you!

Yes, I’d say Helena’s very much like you.

Except you’re fuzzy with spots.

Helena doesn’t have spots. If she did, she’d be quarantined up in her room while I slap on a gas mask and a hazmat suit and google bubonic plague or ebola virus or radiation poisoning and totally freak myself out.

Sometimes the Internet is not your friend.

Be glad your mommy has hooves and can’t google.

Helena is fuzzy though, especially her legs.

But nine year old girl legs are supposed to be fuzzy.

I keep telling her to enjoy her fuzzy legs because soon enough, she’ll have 42 year old girl legs and 42 year old girl legs don’t look cute when they are fuzzy. People stare at them and not in a good way, but more like in a Hello, Animal Control? Sasquatch is in my driveway kind of way.

42 year old girl legs require maintenance, with a great many hours of pruning and shearing and weeding, and for what? So that you can be accosted in Target by a complete stranger who screams HOLY SHIT, THERE’S A TARANTULA ON YOUR LEG immediately before he body slams you to the ground and sprays Raid all over your thighs? All because you are blind as a bat in the shower and couldn’t even see your appendages, let alone the dark, course, dense foliage growing on the back of them.

I’m of Mediterranean descent with horrible astigmatism.

Don’t judge me.

Does it annoy you that I keep talking incessantly even though you continue to ignore me?

Because it irritates the snot out of Helena.

But I’m used to it, because no one listens to me around here, so I wind up having entire conversations with myself, wherein I ask myself thoughtful and relevant questions and respond with pertinent and knowledgeable answers.

Out loud.

You wouldn’t believe how insightful and fascinating I can be!

Especially if you read this blog.

Good thing you can’t read.

You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Hmmmmm.

I bet I know how to get your attention.

*dons on a glittery body suit and platform shoes*

*Ahem*

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YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN

YOUNG AND SWEET, ONLY SEVENTEEN

DANCING QUEEN, FEEL THE BEAT FROM THE TAMBOURINE

OH YEAH

YOU CAN DANCE …

Yep.

Exactly like Helena.

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